My boyfriend slept with someone else the day before our first kiss. I'm having trouble getting over it. How do I move past this?

[SashaDhawan]

My boyfriend (25M) and I (21F) have been dating for a year and three months now. We have a great relationship and we really do love each other. We get along well, and all my friends and family love him too.

My only issue is that he is prone to hiding things from me and lying to me. I recently found out from an anonymous DM on Instagram the true way his parents found out about us (he lied about this), how long his previous relationship was (also lied about this) and the fact that he slept with someone else the day before we had our first kiss (I never knew and he never tried to tell me).

I'm having trouble getting over everything, especially after finding out he was intimate with someone the day before what was an important day to me, he was my first kiss. I just feel a little used, naïve and just overall icky. The reason I feel this way is because the girl he slept with is his older sister's friend. I have met her, I went to his older sister's hens weekend and she was there. Throughout his older sister's wedding week, she was there and present. She was apart of the dance I taught his older sister and her friends, she's just around a lot. I feel like a fool, because apparently a lot of people within his sister's friend group knew and I have just been so unaware and stupid, trying my best to get along with his older sister's friends to get closer to his sisters. The worst part I believe, is that after his sister's wedding, I called her out by name to my boyfriend and I said that I didn't think she likes me and that I got weird vibes from her. But my boyfriend played it off, and even when as far as to say he'd ask his sister if I wanted, which I obviously declined. I feel a little humiliated.

When my boyfriend and I spoke about this, his reasoning behind lying was that he didn't want his ex to have any part of our relationship, or the reason he didn't tell me about the girl he slept with was because he didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

I don't know how to get over this. It took me so long to get my retroactive jealousy in check when I found out he had a recent ex (we started talking early Feb 22', he broke up with his ex late January 22'), and now to throw in a girl he had a one night stand with the day before we kissed is hurting me like crazy. I've asked to have some space away but I'm not sure if things will ever go back to normal. My trust has been broken, I am genuinely so hurt and I have little faith that he's going to change. However, on the other hand, I truly do love him, and have imagined a future with him. He even gave me a promise ring and has openly spoken about marriage. He really is a great guy, he ticks all my boxes and loves me so much. I believe in his past he's just grown up hiding and lying from his family so it has just become a habit, but I am a very understanding person by nature and he knows this too. I feel like he takes advantage of that as I have forgiven him for lying to me before.

I know I'm young and if our relationship ends, it won't be the end of the world but I really do love him with everything I have. Please help me and give me some advice as to what I should do.

If you wouldn't do what they've done; get rid of them. You're not on the same level. You don't have the same values.

He sounds like poor partner material.

And it's way too soon and you're way too young to be talking marriage. Especially with someone displaying his behaviour.

This forum is littered with unhappy women who tied themselves to men like this; they have mortgages and kids with them, they're fucked.

You don't need to be fucked like that, you're 21 yrs old.

I don’t think him sleeping with someone before you kissed is the issue though appreciate it might be awkward when you see the person.

The real issue is the lying. He is dishonest - you only know what do you have found out - what other things has he possibly lied about?

At your young ages dating really shouldnt be so difficult…. it should be much more carefree and fun! throw this one back, I think.

I really do get the cultural issues, but seeing as you lied to your own parents about seeing him and kept him a secret at first, why does it bother you the way he managed it with his parents? Especially when he was forced into that situation.

Sounds like it was the ex who sent that message.

He is not a good man OP. As some others have said, it seems there is a vendetta against him, this girl he shagged probably thought something was happening between them, have you heard her side of it? It seems he wronged her also, and she’s not over it.

A lot of soulless people on here, who may be content with that sort of relationship, but don’t you dare gaslight and manipulate OP to believe she is “not mature”, “not ready for a relationship” “insecure” or any other number of slurs against her beautiful character. If you were my daughter OP I would be devestated if this situation changed you and hardened you to become like some of the women on here. With the right person, love is a beautiful thing. Everyone has flaws, but lack of character (which your boyfriend has) lying and manipulating, are huge red flags and unlikely to ever change. Either way, the beginning of your relationship will never be able to be changed, he made that choice.

Think logically about it, do you think they shagged and then that was it he never spoke to her or referenced it ever again? It was one relationship bleeding into another where he had his fun, dropped her (maybe) and then was kissing you.

He’s scum OP and you have instincts for a reason, to protect you from what is wrong for you. I had an ex like this, and he belonged with someone else with loose morals, no matter how wonderful it felt between us, his lying, gaslighting, projection of his own behaviours, and other women destroyed the bond. He did that, and I deserved better. Don’t be like me pushing aside what your instincts tell you is unacceptable, until years later. Get out!

Sounds like he doesn’t have much respect for women.

He’s talked openly about marriage
Hmmn is that since his strict (Indian?) parents found out he was involved with you?

Hes not the fabulous man you think he is

The lying, particularly the ease and frequency of it is the real breaker here. He kids himself and you that he lies to spare your feelings. But the truth is that he does it to make HIS life easier.

Having sex with another woman the day before your first kiss ... technically he's done nothing "wrong" but sure as hell I would not like that either and I'm 49 not some young sensitive lass. I presume the kiss was the official start of your romantic relationship but if I understand correctly you'd been talking and building up a mutual attraction some days/weeks before that. For me that is a time when you only have that person on your mind and hope/expect it to be the same for them. To find out some time later that during that time he not only had someone else on his mind but actually had sex with her would spoil and cheapen the relationship for me.

Also not forgetting that the other girl is clearly sour about you which suggests it wasn't a meaningless fuck for her. Imagine how she felt thinking he was attracted to her and then found out he immediately entered a relationship with you. She may be thinking omg he was probably thinking of her (you) while shagging me! She's the one he wanted and I was just a convenient hole to use. No wonder she's got an attitude, not that it's your fault in any way.

I couldn't be with someone like that once I knew what he was like. Nothing seems special to him, he's the type who just takes what he can.

Your feelings are complteley justified. This first kiss was a huge deal for you. yet he was actually sleeping with someone hours before it.

The lying is a huge red flag.

Men who love you, do not lie to you.

And when they justify the lies as 'not wanting to hurt you' or to 'protect you' what they actually mean is, they didn't tell you because it may jepodise their chances with you and be inconvenient FOR THEM. So he wasn't protecting you. he was protecting himself. And has now hurt you way worse because you've found out so far down the line after investing your time and love in this man.

So he essentially hid this thing, which he would have known was a huge deal to you (hence the lie) in order to get what he wanted, removing any choice you may have had in the matter.

Don't let anyone tell you you are overreacting, or being silly. This has hurt you and justifiable so. The person you were chatting with and getting to know and then kissed for the first time, was lying to you. They were not the person you thought they were.
Take your time on this. And really consider if a man that lies is worth the pain you are going to feel in the future everytime you find out another lie. Because there will be more. He sounds like his go to thing is just to lie, to make his own life easier.

Sex is special to you and that is in no way uncommon. I would be hurt by this too. Lying throughout the relationship is even worse. I would end it. I know that's an easy thing for me to say though!

How do you have an anonymous DM on instagram? Isn't there a name and photo of the sender?

This. 100%

This.

But, once again, there are a number of replies by people who (deliberately?) lack inference skills and are unable to understand the relevance of the 'bigger picture'.

This is not about him having had a sex life before her.

They could have made a fake account

All I see is drama, insecurity and what really stands out - immaturity.

You may be all loved up when you're alone together and gazing into each others eyes but the reality is that he's has more experience than you and has a history that you are reacting to out of immaturity and inexperience.

Lighten up a little as being so intense is going to lead to huge problems such as jealousy and resentment.

Lighten up a little as being so intense is going to lead to huge problems such as jealousy and resentment.

Or
Never lower your values. Being lied to numerous times by someone who says they love you is going to lead to huge problems such as jealousy and resentment.

There fixed it for you.

The two of you are not compatible. You don’t love him, you love an idea that isn’t actually him.

neither of you are wrong (well, perhaps he is for being “prone to lying”) but you don’t have the same attitudes and values.

If he lies and hides things from you, it is not a great relationship. Honesty and trust are key components of a great relationship. Your partner is neither honest nor trustworthy.

So before you were a couple he slept with someone. It was none of your business. He probably wants to just forget and ignore that anything has happened
You need to drop it and move on, or drop him and move on. You can't change the past and raking over it again and again is unhealthy.
If you feel you can't trust him and he tells lies, then move on, he won't change.

See OP? Loads of women on here that are his type and wouldn’t care, and probably would happily chat and flirt with a man building up to a relationship, while chatting flirting and shagging other men at the same time.

They don’t have an advice to offer you apart from to be like them, and accept the crumbs they would take from men who have disgusting morals.

stick to the instincts you have been given, leave him to women like that. He’s not marriage material, and he deserves someone on his own level, as do you deserve someone on your level.

I'd split up. It's early days and already you're having trust issues. You aren't compatible. Move on. Live life. Sort out a career. Have fun!

As for whoever said “don’t slut shame him”

why not? If it walks like a duck.

You are not overreacting. I would feel exactly the same, so hurt at finding out about the sex with this other girl the night before your first kiss. A first kiss is so special at the start of a relationship, which was obviously on its way to starting up on the lead up to this kiss, it wasn't a spontaneous snog out of nowhere. But worse than this is trying to cover it up, and this absolutely shows you his character. If you love someone you are honest with them, this is not that. You are always going to be waiting for something to happen if you stay with this man, and that's no way to live.

I am very much on the fence re his behaviour sleeping with another woman. I myself slept with my on again/off again ex the day before (possibly two days before) I kissed my now-husband for the first time. I’m pretty sure DH knows as I think it’s come up in conversation before somehow but I wouldn’t actively seek to specifically tell him that. It was before we were an item, and obviously it’s been all him since. Apparently that means I have ‘disgusting morals’, which I strongly disagree with, but honestly it’s all just in the past now.
All that being said, I would dislike the lying, very much, and that would be my dealbreaker I think. The fact you brought up that specific girl and mentioned her behaviour and he tried to make out it was you being paranoid is unacceptable. Maybe you do have issues with jealousy but in that instance, the right thing to do would’ve been to tell you the truth re their past, particularly s she has had further involvement in your relationship dynamic with telling his parents etc.
I think, unfortunately, this could be the end of the road for your relationship. There seems to be very little trust, and without trust, a relationship isn’t worth very much at all.

If I found out my boyfriend had slept with someone 24 hours before our first kiss, whether you were "exclusive" or not, I would be pissed off and upset too, especially if it was someone within his family group who he will still see and you may see too. He doesn't tick all the boxes, he has lied to you numerous times, that's a red flag! At 21 I would probably move on and enjoy your young single days.

Other things I can't put online, but he hides them from me and tells me much later. Some things I find out a week later and some I find out months later. He says he doesn't want me to see him as a bad person but every time he hides something from me, I grow more and more distant

@SashaDhawan
What are these things? You don't have to give exact details but some kind of indication might be useful.
Because as your OP stands I think you are overreacting. He had a one night stand before he got together with you. Then he kissed you (within 24 hours of the one night stand). He did nothing wrong. What he does with someone else before your relationship begins is nothing to do with you. He didn't cheat.

But now you say he is hiding other things from you and that is making you become more distant from him.
I don't think there is much future in this if he is behaving like this. And depending on what the things are they could be screaming red flags too.