My boyfriend slept with someone else the day before our first kiss. I'm having trouble getting over it. How do I move past this?

[SashaDhawan]

My boyfriend (25M) and I (21F) have been dating for a year and three months now. We have a great relationship and we really do love each other. We get along well, and all my friends and family love him too.

My only issue is that he is prone to hiding things from me and lying to me. I recently found out from an anonymous DM on Instagram the true way his parents found out about us (he lied about this), how long his previous relationship was (also lied about this) and the fact that he slept with someone else the day before we had our first kiss (I never knew and he never tried to tell me).

I'm having trouble getting over everything, especially after finding out he was intimate with someone the day before what was an important day to me, he was my first kiss. I just feel a little used, naïve and just overall icky. The reason I feel this way is because the girl he slept with is his older sister's friend. I have met her, I went to his older sister's hens weekend and she was there. Throughout his older sister's wedding week, she was there and present. She was apart of the dance I taught his older sister and her friends, she's just around a lot. I feel like a fool, because apparently a lot of people within his sister's friend group knew and I have just been so unaware and stupid, trying my best to get along with his older sister's friends to get closer to his sisters. The worst part I believe, is that after his sister's wedding, I called her out by name to my boyfriend and I said that I didn't think she likes me and that I got weird vibes from her. But my boyfriend played it off, and even when as far as to say he'd ask his sister if I wanted, which I obviously declined. I feel a little humiliated.

When my boyfriend and I spoke about this, his reasoning behind lying was that he didn't want his ex to have any part of our relationship, or the reason he didn't tell me about the girl he slept with was because he didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

I don't know how to get over this. It took me so long to get my retroactive jealousy in check when I found out he had a recent ex (we started talking early Feb 22', he broke up with his ex late January 22'), and now to throw in a girl he had a one night stand with the day before we kissed is hurting me like crazy. I've asked to have some space away but I'm not sure if things will ever go back to normal. My trust has been broken, I am genuinely so hurt and I have little faith that he's going to change. However, on the other hand, I truly do love him, and have imagined a future with him. He even gave me a promise ring and has openly spoken about marriage. He really is a great guy, he ticks all my boxes and loves me so much. I believe in his past he's just grown up hiding and lying from his family so it has just become a habit, but I am a very understanding person by nature and he knows this too. I feel like he takes advantage of that as I have forgiven him for lying to me before.

I know I'm young and if our relationship ends, it won't be the end of the world but I really do love him with everything I have. Please help me and give me some advice as to what I should do.

No.
Seriously , no.

’I lied because of how you’d react’ is used by liars everywhere to manipulate others into shutting up.

OP- there is no safety in a relationship where people lie

You are both VERY young. Though you don't realise it now, you're barely out of adolescence. The brain is only really mature from 25 or so. Your reaction is your teen brain still very much in charge and this will change.

Don't even think of marriage and children yet.

#1 defense for adultery: "I couldn't tell you because you'd overreact." Second only to, "It's different with you because I luuurrrvee you."

Ugh, don't fall for it. It doesn't get better.

I totally agree @Dotcheck

It's surprising how many women would be OK with this.

Settle for anything just for the sake of having something.

Your 25 year old boyfriend was sure to have past experiences before you met him. He does not need to justify those to you. Your kiss was very important to you because you waited so long for it. Your putting a lot of weight on one kiss as to whether you want to continue with him. I think that alone says you may not be ready for an adult relationship. If you truly can't get past this then it would be best for both of you if you ended it. Do what feels right to you.

The sex before dating is not an issue, I’m really old fashioned but even I can see that. The lying is the issue, honestly it’s not worth it at all.

You are in the easy fun years, I am not saying you can’t have fun in any decade but no kids and the sense of optimism that does wear a bit thin for most as we age is so strong at your age.

Walk away.

Ridiculous comment. Her reaction is not her “teen brain”, I’d feel the same age 40. It’s about her values which I hope she never loses! Some women might be ok with this, but to those of us with a bit more maturity, including the original poster, it’s no love story, knowing the person you were building towards something with was shagging someone else less than 24 hours before your first kiss. Don’t be so condescending

@Sapphire3 it’s a bit rich to say ‘to those of us with a bit more maturity’ then tell someone else not to be condescending… you can disagree without insulting other posters, telling them they’re being ridiculous or immature or have disgusting (I believe you said!) morals etc.

I agree with the poster who is amazed by how many women would be ok with this and the “settling for anything just so you can have something” in a relationship some of us want to know that the person is fully genuine about us, and if they’re still fully open to the charms of other women while they are supposedly at the beginning stages of wanting to be with us, it would be a no go, as they display a huge lack of depth an maturity.

if I had been married for 20 years and it came out this had happened, my husband had slept with someone else the day before we kissed, it would downgrade in my eyes the beginnings of all we shared, but if we had built a life for 20 years and I had no reason to suspect him of having poor morals in that time, I’d move past it, but would feel sad about it inside.

If discovered after a year of dating, I’d bin him and move on, and leave myself open to someone who wasn’t so eager for womens attention with skewed morals that he would do this.

There are different types of people, those to whom sex is important and emotional, and those who can use people no problem and move on to someone else the next day. He’s shown you who he is, your mistake if you don’t see that clearly and move on.

@SherbetLemonn actually, not it’s not a bit rich. In the same way she has stated the OP has an immature brain, I believe she has an immature brain. She’s giving out advice for this woman to stay in a toxic environment and gaslighting her to believe the problem lies with her “immaturity”. If I think those who don’t see any issue with him bed hopping are immature, that’s my opinion. If she thinks that’s condescending, as I think she is condescending that’s fine, my opinion hasn’t changed.

At the end of the day she isn’t immature, or controlling, or jealous or anything else. She’s deeply wounded and questioning the entire foundation of their relationship. She seems like a woman who wants something truly sincere and honest, and to know when a man is in pursuit of her he has eyes only for her. These are all good expectations of a woman who places value on herself, and seeks a partner who has good morals. So those trying to talk her down from that position, the problem lies with you, not with her. Someone commented that at her age she has optimism that goes as you get older, but that’s not true no matter how hurt someone has been. If they have decent morals and place value on themselves, and haven’t been totally jaded by their own actions in life and the actions of others towards them, we will always as women not want to take what we can get, but assess fully if that person matches what we look for in a partner. He doesn’t match that for her even if he does in other ways, because she has standards that are higher than half the people on this thread, not because she’s immature, I would argue fully the opposite, that she has depth and maturity and that bitter jaded desperate women on here are making her second guess her instincts by devaluing her.

Okay. Well judging by your multiple long comments on this, I guess you feel very strongly about this. Agree to disagree, I suppose. Enjoy your day.

He doesn’t deserve a woman like her. He deserves someone with moral standards the same as his. And my bet is that he would be furious if the shoe was on the other foot, men like that generally are. With men like that, come a whole host of other issue in the future also. They gaslight and cheat and lie, and then get extreme paranoia that you might be doing the same. They do not want a partner that is like them, it’s their worst fear, and in this young man, I see the makings of that kind of man. Escape it while you have your youth and vitality, and optimism for a happy future with someone with standards and a whole lot of love and desire for only you. Everyone has a past, and that’s not the issue; the issue is while he was building an emotional connection with her, he was on the next stage with someone else. Men (and women) like that are ten a penny, please OP leave them to each other, it’s nothing less than they deserve.

Yes I am invested in this. I had 12 years with a gaslighting cheating narcissist, and then a decade alone just to heal from that, and then met someone who I thought was so genuine who I gave everything to, who was also a gaslighting cheating liar. Of course I want to encourage OP to not ignore her instincts, red flags, intuition that she’s been given, and not to try to downplay what doesn’t align with her values/ makes her feel wounded. She deserves better

I have a daughter your age. If she wrote what you wrote in your first post, I would say this is all you need to know about him: "he is prone to hiding things from me and lying to me." Just no.

I agree that you weren't exclusive, you hadn't kissed so no there was no commitment there but he shagged someone else while working on building up to being with you (you make the kiss and the situation sound like one of those courtship situations).
When my now husband was taking me out, calling and texting me and getting to know me, to find out he shagged someone else in that time it would be a hell no from me. Don't be belittled by anyone, it's nice to hear you have standards and don't think him seeing you and shagging others is OK. What others feel is acceptable doesn't have to be how you feel about it, if this isn't OK for you then be truthful with yourself.
What I will say is get ready for some stormy times ahead if you build a life with a liar. You will never rest x

@SashaDhawan Don't ever lower your standards. This man has hurt you when you thought you were building up to something special, and that does not make you immature at all. It makes you a good person who wants and deserves to be loved for who you are, not just someone on a list of potentials. Do not settle for a relationship where you have to accept or put up with things that happen along the way. Pushing down this sadness and trying to move on just does not work. It always stays there and brings you down. Maybe this is not how lots of women on the thread feel, and that is absolutely fine for them, but for you OP this is not fine, and that is absolutely your right to feel that way. Don't ever change.

Sorry but if you're jealous about him sleeping with someone BEFORE you were together, and getting annoyed that it was the day before your 'first kiss' I'm not surprised he's hiding things from you, in case you irrationally get annoyed with it.

Doesn't make the lying okay, but this whole thing is ridiculous. Sorry.

Have probably just missed it , but has op said what the other lies were?
At the moment they both lied to their parents, they weren't together when he slept with the other woman, and how would it be respectful to her to be pointing her out to people at a party 'see her, slept with her'?

I don't know about everyone else but by the time I have my first kiss, we've been together at least a few days. I'm with @Sapphire3 These two have different values. Don't lower your values to meet someone else's. It would be a deal breaker for me.

Maybe he didn’t tell you initially because it meant nothing to him? I slept with someone else the day before I went on a first date with the man I’ve now been with for 7 years. I didn’t know our first date was going to go as well as it did … and I had no further contact sexually or physically with that person after I had my first date with my now partner.

I understand your sickening feeling… I found out that my partner had slept with a girl from work long before we had got together and although they didn’t still work together or see each other, it turned my stomach as he had lied (or not told me) about sleeping with her… she was on his social media as a friend and occasionally liked his posts.

My partner does have a history of avoiding difficult conversations, something that has come up repeatedly in our relationship and I have my issues … we work on them together. We all have a past and it does hurt in an odd way to think about our partners with other people even before us, that’s normal, but don’t dwell on or punish yourself or him for that feeling. Decide if your partners pros outweigh his cons as no one is perfect and you are still young if you do decide you can’t get past the issues.

Liars don't change. If you can't believe everything he tells you, you can't trust anything he tells you. Loving him doesn't mean you should accept his dishonesty. Being lied to is devastating and you feel hurt, stupid and as if you don't matter. You've forgiven him for lying so he'll do it again. Leave before he breaks your heart.

Awww I understand why you feel the way you do but honestly people have history. He hasn’t cheated on you .to your knowledge . All of this happened before you got intimate with him . The older you get the more you accept there were people before you.it’s part of the course .

@SashaDhawan I’m sorry but to me lying is a massive red flag 🚩 How on earth can you ever trust someone who lies to you? You deserve better. Don’t wait to get even deeper into the relationship. You will be opening yourself up to more hurt. I would kick him into touch straight away. Don’t settle for someone who you can’t trust. It will only get worse if you stay with him. Good luck.