Therapist contacted social service's because my husband was calling me names in front of my children

[1exhaustedmama]

Hi All,

I'm absolutely confused about this. I've been having regular therapy sessions for a while now and I tell my therapist everything.
Over the weekend my husband got angry with me and started calling me names "Cnt" and F Off you C u next Tuesday in front of my 2children (non stop). I told my therapist and he decided that he has to report it to social services.
This has happened previously when I was 6months pregnant. My husband was verbally abusive and threatened to take my then 18month old child away from me, which resulted in me calling the police.
Has anyone had similar situations?

This is who your H is and your children have to live with this man abusing their mother in front of them, how long do you think making smiley faces will distract them? Your children know what’s happening isn’t right, they just aren’t old enough to articulate it. The damage is already being done.

No I meant on a personal level. Nothing to do with DV and I am very sorry for posting. I will leave now as I think what I said is being misconstrued due to how I wrote it.

Best of luck op and I hope you get the support that you need ❤️

Your therapist is 100% right. Your DC are victims of domestic abuse by being exposed to that behaviour. They will carry that harm with them throughout their lives if you don’t remove yourself & them from the situation.

Thank you all for the wise and supportive words. I honestly didn't expect to get the response I have gotten. (I'm literally crying because I feel really supported which exactly what I need)
He is currently staying at his parents so won't be seeing him any time soon.
I plan on leaving him and will be seeking professional advice. There are lots of things to sort out- I need to get a job so I can pay the bills/ mortgage and make sure the little ones nursery fees are covered.
Because he is supporting us financially and paying the mortgage it makes it harder to leave/divorce instantly.

Absolutely this. Do you really want your children to grow up thinking this is normal?

Excellent!
id lean on her to help you find your way out. She knows you, the situation. She us in a good place to help you process what’s going on and the various hurdles you’ll have along the way.

Best if luck! :) You’re heading in the right direction. Towards a happier, calmer future 😀😀

@Paintedtoenail i don’t know what your bad experience was but it has clearly left you pretty traumatised. However, you have said that you and your children are not being abused, so your experience is not really relevant in this case . I think it is wrong of you to try and persuade OP that your technique of keeping your mouth shut is a good one, because whilst it may suit your situation, it most certainly doesn’t suit OP’s.

I assume your therapist told you that they have to report things like this?
You did the right thing telling someone. Hopefully you will all get the help you need to move forwards in a way that provides a better upbringing and childhood for your dc.

Cannot empathise this enough! This is not a place to be encouraging the op not to trust someone helping her and dc with dv!!

Some lady said that I'm depriving my kids from their dads and that I should just with the fact that he 'my husband' is messy.

’some lady’ is very, very wrong!

Please leave. Don't wait and end up with my story. I was bought up in affluent abuse as it's now called.

I recreated it as an adult. It took me 16 years to flee. My now adult youngsters were 15, 13, 11, and 4.

We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath. The whole system of this country was involved from hidden homelessness and children's social services. It took me 9 years to clear everything up.

The longer I left leaving, the worse my mental health became, and the more my children mental health was damaged. I didn't know it then.

Your husband is emotionally abusive, gaslighting, and coercive. Probably more. I'm going on what I've read here. It is against the law, and you can call police now.

Fortunately, somehow, I fought the system, rebuilt my family, and happily remarried to a man who is everything my past wasn't.

Your son will continue to grow and learn from his dad it's OK to treat women like your husband does if you don't leave.

Of my 4, only my daughter has any contact with her biological dad. That's my 3 son choice, not too.

They are all now healthy, happy adults, happily married, and with their own children. All gone through uni, too. I have a happy, good life today and a happy family life too with them.

It took my health. I've no regrets. To rebuild a good, happy life like I have is unusual in consideration of it all.

My 2nd husband is the Dad he didn't have to be to mine.

It doesn't have to get as bad as it did for us. Contact Womens Aid, please, get help and get out. I wish you and yours well

www.womensaid.org.uk/

The therapist is putting the welfare of your kids first...

They should not have to witness this behaviour and hear their father disrespect their mother like that.

Use this as an opportunity to leave him...

Whilst your therapist was definitely in the right and did the correct thing, I would still change therapists as you'll naturally always feel uncomfortable sharing anything with him from now on, even though you know full well that the trust is only ever broken when there's a risk of harm - you'll still always feel a bit uneasy around them. Human nature unfortunately.

Also, to echo everyone else, please please leave the bastard! I was your child in this situation growing up and I was terrified and confused. The reason I was confused was simply because I loved my dad and knew he loved me & my mum yet couldn't understand why he was so mean to her (& me). She stayed "for the kids" but I bloody wish she hadn't! My childhood would've been so much better if she'd left him.

Strength and unmumsnetty hugs to you. X

You and your children deserve so much better than this dirty, abusive, horrible man.
Please don't have him back. He's awful. No-one should live with someone like that- as a husband or as a father.

It’s difficult for those who aren’t in abusive marriages to understand the anger, the irrational nature of this sort of DH. Smiling & continuing on is a mechanism that we use, so as not to get sucked into the argument vortex & join in the shouting. Leaving the room / situation is another method.

I feel terrible about what my child has witnessed at home, and I’m very close to leaving now. It’s so hard, OP. Especially when everyone else thinks he’s great… Luckiky my family know the truth. It’s great that you are having therapy & your therapist’s actions might be a watershed moment.

Couples Therapy is good for those with relationship / communication / other marital problems. It’s not the answer in domestic abuse situations. My DH tries to make out that I am half of the problem. It’s not true. He is 100% the problem. Is your DH seeking any therapy / help, himself?

Good.

Good for you OP. Change the locks first thing in the morning. Do not let him come back in the house.

This.

I’ve NC for this.

Almost exactly the same situation happened to
me in January this year.

I knew my marriage was bad but never expected it to be deemed referral to SS bad.

I have never been so terrified. My life was imploding.

It forced me to “see”.

I left him the same day SS phoned.

I bought my own house. We’re now legally divorced and coparent mostly tolerably.

It’s been HARD.

And I didn’t go back to the therapist. But I think about sending her a message to say thank you quite often.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's helping me put things into perspective. Initially I felt very confused and worried when the therapist mentioned social services but I felt reassured. I'm glad he isn't staying here because as each day passes my mind becomes clearer and the more posts similar to mine I become resolute about leaving him.

My therapist was the same but mine was my ex and still name calling and verbally abusing me infront of my son and at pick up and drop off. Wouldn't use a 3rd party like his mum or my mum for communication and drop offs and was forever letting him down but would randomly turn up the next day or later on and demanding he's having him and if I didn't let him go he'd with hold maintenance and when he did have my son he'd fill his head with words like he's come home and say what a c*t what's a s*t cos dad says that's what you are.

My therapist contacted social services and called me after and said I'm within my rights with that behaviour to stop allowing contact if he wouldn't let me drop off or pick up without contact. From that he got an IDVA to visit me who reported all to police who came and interviewed me and sign posted me to a dv law firm and was in court within a month / 6 weeks and the judge gave him a 1 year Jon molestation order to stay away from me and my house and use a third party to arrange visits and advised him to take me to court if he wasn't happy with that. I got 1 letter from s solicitor to tell me it was a free appointment and he's skint and can't afford court ( about £50 to represent yourself in court at the time) and can I let him see him and come to my house with birthday presents for him? Told the solicitor absolutely not he's 6 months into a 12 month non molestation order he can not come near my house but someone else can on his behalf. Never heard a word from him since. Truly realised what abuse was and we'd been separated 5 years he was engaged I was pregnant and engaged. Been 4 years now and just proves it was all control. I ignored the name calling or so I thought and assumed it was something else I wasn't completely aware of why I needed the therapy my therapist knew better and both our lives are so much better now. Please accept the help

There doesn't seem to be consistentcy with regards to reporting. I disclosed to my therapist that my partner grabbed me and pushed me across the room, shouting that I was a fucking twat, whilst our child screamed "mummy". He then shutme out of the room and told our son I wasn't allowed in because I'm horrible. The therapist didn't disclose this to SS.

OP, what will your next steps be regarding your relationship?

What about patient confidentiality? I'd be switching therapists.

Your therapist has a regulatory body & code of practice that they disclose in event of safeguarding and/or risk. This is absolutely the right thing to do. There is not absolute confidentiality, there is disclosure on a need to know basis eg risk,and/or safeguarding. Client & therapist therapeutic relationship is core but safeguarding is prioritised