Therapist contacted social service's because my husband was calling me names in front of my children

[1exhaustedmama]

Hi All,

I'm absolutely confused about this. I've been having regular therapy sessions for a while now and I tell my therapist everything.
Over the weekend my husband got angry with me and started calling me names "Cnt" and F Off you C u next Tuesday in front of my 2children (non stop). I told my therapist and he decided that he has to report it to social services.
This has happened previously when I was 6months pregnant. My husband was verbally abusive and threatened to take my then 18month old child away from me, which resulted in me calling the police.
Has anyone had similar situations?

Thank you. I would've done the same if I was in my therapist position. He's been absolutely awful throughout most of my pregnancy- and was a bit crappy during postnatal period.

Your therapist did their job. Your 'D'H is abusing you in front of the kids, which is abuse of the child also. Your toddler does know something is wrong, no matter how you react like it isn't. Your husband is yelling at you calling you a cunt. You want to laugh it off? Your toddler will not know it is wrong and he's going to go into nursery or school and repeat the words his dad shouts at you at other people. Will you still laugh it off then?

Your husband is an abusive twat. Protect yourself and your kids. Does it not scare you that the situation is bad enough your therapist has had to report it in your place because you haven't protected them yourself? Does their report not tell you how serious it is?

They acted professionally and according to moral and ethical guidelines of their counselling body. Maybe this could be a wake up call you need too see his behaviour through a different lense.

I assure you that your toddler knew there was something wrong.

Unfortunately op you are in an abusive relationship and it’s having a knock on effect on your children. Your therapist has a duty of care to try to protect you and your children, so was obliged to report this.
also, and I’m not saying this to be a dick but;
‘I just ignored him and continued to make smilie faces at my toddler so that he doesn't sense anything is wrong’
This wouldn’t make any difference at all. Your small child would know what was going on, he’d probably just be even more confused about the fact you seemed happy about such an awful scary situation. It’s so hard but please please take steps to try and protect them.

He wasn't arrested but social services got involved. They suggested couples counselling- he seemed interested but then that interest was lost probably due to work and other things.
He is absolutely dirty and doesn't clean after himself because he thinks that I should be doing that because he works full time and I'm a house wife.

Your therapist did the right thing.

@1exhaustedmama will you carry on seeing your therapist?

I was not laughing because I thought the situation was funny.
I was laughing and smiling because my toddler was looking at me whilst this was happening.
I had no plan to raise my voice of argue back whist my children were present.
I asked him several times not to do it in front of this kids but he continued to calling me CNT

Unfortunately your child wasn’t looking at you for false smiles, they were looking to you to protect them from a scary situation, by taking them away from it. They’re too small to protect yourself, please do try to work towards freeing yourself and your children from this abusive man.

Absolutely!

I hope you manage to get the courage to leave him.

I just ignored him and continued to make smilie faces at my toddler so that he doesn't sense anything is wrong

Gosh OP, that ship has sailed! Your son will absolutely know something is wrong.

Hopefully with social services involved you'll be able to see the seriousness of the abuse you're allowing him to witness by staying.

Your therapist also has the bigger picture - he knows you, he knows the background to this relationship, the wider context.

He will certainly have discussed with a colleague/his professional body before deciding he needed to do this - and whomever that was, had the same view as he did - that it needed reporting.

Very glad that you have some people thinking about you and trying to help you.

I am sorry but you have decided I am an ‘ abuser of my child’ because I said I don’t trust the professionals . How very dare you.
You know nothing about my life, my circumstances, my family. Nothing.

Not once did I say that my husband swears at me or my children.
How dare you .

But what are you going to do about your actual living situation? Your toddler won't care that you are having therapy, they will be damaged by hearing daddy shouting/talking aggressively to mummy. Doesn't even matter if they have no concept of the words, the aggression, facial expression and body language will be damaging them.

Good on you for continuing therapy but you need to get out of this relationship.

I despair of a social worker who suggests couples counselling for an abusive relationship. However unfortunately I've seen worse. Engage with the social worker, hopefully it's a different one this time (most are not like that).
Have you thought about women's aid or similar?

Fingers burnt comes to mind. To the point I had PTSD.

I will never talk to anyone again about anything personal to me. But that’s me.

Never once have I said on here I have been abused or my children are in an abusive household.

Hi OP. I'm a therapist and I agree it is confusing. When I was a child, the scenes you describe were completely normal, everyday occurrences in my home and were perfectly legal: there was no protection in place and not even any acknowledgement that there was anything wrong with such abuse.

I therefore found it bewildering (and painful) during my therapy training, to discover that nowadays, thankfully, safeguarding protocols are in place not just to protect children from obvious, physical harm, but to protect them from the effects of witnessing abuse.

I do think that there's still too much a sexist tendency to put the responsibility (which can feel like blame) on the abused mothers in such circumstances. If a mother is unaware of the effects on her children of seeing her treated badly, interventions tend to be aimed at the mother rather than the abuser. However, this is done to ensure the mother is aware that the abuse she's experiencing is also affecting her children and that she takes steps to protect them.

More could be done to support mothers in such situations and help them protect themselves and their children. It's hard to have a clear picture of what boundaries are even possible or how very much better you deserve, when you're worn down with the effort of surviving abuse.

I hope your therapist is able to support you through this difficult time and that you're able to see it through to much happier new beginnings.

Fuck, that's tragic and frightening. You'd be annoyed that someone is protecting children from assault?

The therapist is protecting the children.

What on earth are you doing that makes you feel that way?

I’ve had a therapist break confidentiality because someone was at risk of harm.

At the time I was shocked, because I couldn’t see it. But the risk was real and they did the right thing. I suspect you are minimising your DHs abusive behaviour because it’s hard for you to see clearly too.

With hindsight I can see why my therapist broke my trust, and I hope that by continuing to work with them you can find a way to leave your DH.

The behaviour you have described is very worrying, and I hope you are able to see that and find a way out.

But you're saying if they/you were being assaulted/abused you won't seek help.

No for op. This was the right thing and maybe I am wrong in posting in that I don’t trust professionals due to experiences. Not saying for me it’s DV related or absolutely anything to do with that at all.