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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Beyond heartbroken

195 replies

lurker1000 · 25/09/2023 13:44

I've posted before - summary - husband is moving out (angry that I didn't share my inheritance with him and stepson as I chose to put away for our DCs as he is a gambling addict - one year off bets).

I'm just in a mess - I'm stumbling day to day - he said that he is moving out, but won't give me date (although apparently the Sky will be turned off next week so that may be when). But it's the complete and utter callousness that's involved - he won't speak at all, he's thrown me under the bus regarding all household bills (says he needs his money for new home), he won't watch the children at all or do any of the runs (says he is having to 'self-preserve' and will make it up to them when he is in their new home).

I'm going actually crazy - I can barely function with the kids, with my job, with keeping it together. He said he thought I would have fought for the relationship more - but I don't know what he wants me to do?

I genuinely don't know if he is gambling, or if there is someone else, or if he just hates me - for once, I didn't back down (over my parents estate) and he is walking away. I feel like the relationship was never what I thought it was (15 years - two kids - married for 5). I've buried my head in the sand and I know that reaching out to my friends and family will help but I feel that will just make everything more real...How can someone that you thought you knew, be so cruel?

OP posts:
Doglover19 · 25/09/2023 13:46

He's trying to break you down to get his own way hoping you will feel like you have to share your money to get him to stay.

MyBedIsMySpiritualHome · 25/09/2023 13:46

Oh, this bit is really hard. Grey rock if you can till he’s gone. You are seeing his true colours and it ain’t pretty.

Do reach out to your friends and family and let them support you. Soon the anger will come but for now let other people help you.

you will get through this. One foot in front of the other.

LoveRules · 25/09/2023 13:46

Thinking of you. I had something similar with my XH still can't believe how he can sleep at night having lost contact with his 3 kids and been a total twunt to all of us.
Sounds horrendous but truly you'll be better off once he's gone and you can start to make life all about you and the kids. Promise.

QforCucumber · 25/09/2023 13:47

Find your angry - he wants you to fight for the relationship? Yet is doing absolutely 0 fighting himself. He is showing you exactly who he is - take note.

Put in a maintenance claim now for the kids, stop doing anything for him. He's not paying bills - fine he doesn't get to use anything he's not paying for, he doesn't get to eat food he's not buying.

Doggymummar · 25/09/2023 13:51

This is the worst bit and you are doing the right thing. My exh took voluntary redundancy, over 100k and gambled it and drank it away in under 6 months whilst being an absolute twat. He moved out and didn't pay the bills. Sooner you get legal advice, tell friends and family the better. I was destitute ended up homeless as I couldn't afford to rent until the house was sold and divorce was settled. Lived in b and bs keeping my stuff in a friend's garage but that was better than living with him.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 25/09/2023 13:53

Thanks all - I've asked him not to eat the food as he's not paying for anything now, so he brought in a box of cereal and is eating that (he knows the mortgage will default at end of month but apparently I should be paying for it all as our friends - stay at home mums - don't pay bills. This doesn't make sense as he has a full time good job and we always split all household bills 50/50).

I'm searching for my angry - but I'm so hurt, I can barely get through the hour without bursting into tears.

I'll need to involve my family as I need to work and he won't collect kids from aftercare. I know that my friends will be good for me - but it's all very real once it is out in the open.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 25/09/2023 13:59

Get your house on the market ASAP. If in UK, I think you will find that as married you can't legally decide that non of the money go's to him as it will be seen as family money. In view of that, solicitor asap. He is probably splitting up to ensure he does get a share of the inheritance, which is his right unfortunately.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 25/09/2023 14:07

I'm in Scotland so inheritance is protected up here as long as I keep in separate account - but he wants me to buy him out of the house (so getting money one way I guess - it feels that is all that mattered).

I told him last summer - when my parents estate was settled - that I was putting it away for our kids (he was gambling and I knew that I couldn't bring into the home. For the past year, it's been a huge issue for him. Huge. He goes through periods where he barely speaks he is so angry about it.

I find myself wondering if I am in the wrong - if being married means sharing, but five years of living with a gambling addict have taught me to protect my kids (I'm so fond of my stepson but I didn't put away for him as he has his mum etc). I'm told so often that this is all my fault, I wonder if I have contributed to the mess now.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 25/09/2023 14:23

I should be paying for it all as our friends - stay at home mums - don't pay bills ah but do those friends look after the kids, feed them, pick them up from their childcare? f so he's already failed at making a point, because he's doing neither of those things.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 25/09/2023 14:28

I know! If he was a stay at home dad, I would 100% support this - but I am working full time, doing ALL the childcare, all the home stuff and now bills???? He works in a good job full time.

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 25/09/2023 14:30

Oh my dear, you haven't caused this. You've stood up for yourself and your kids and he absolutely cannot handle it.

YOU're supposed to fight for the relationship but he isn't?
YOU're meant to share your money, but he can gamble his AND yours away?

Unfortunately, addicts don't have the same kind of logic that the rest of us do. Addiction is a mean, self-serving beast, and it makes what could have been a good person into a lying, stealing, underhand and utterly selfish person. HIS needs are all that matters to him.

Think of him as a house on fire. You cannot reason with it. You cannot reverse it so it never started, or the damage it causes. ALL you can do is get out.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 25/09/2023 14:49

You need to grey rock him and start organising your life Wo him - despite him being in the house.

Id lay down the foundations too.
He is moving (hopefully very soon) so how often will he see the dcs? EOW? Great, tell him to start NOW so you have the weekends to recover and organise yourself.
CM? How much will it be? Because he might refuse to lay any bills now (another discussion) but he sure needs to still support his own dcs. Starting to pay now would be good no? Rather than him abusing the fact you can’t actually kick him out as such.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 14:55

Omg when my ex walked out on me at 8m pregnant he also said it was for 'self preservation'

What a selfish bastard.

I'm assuming you've spoken to a lawyer if not please do.

I'm so sorry but you need to accept that he is now a cold nasty bastard and have zero expectations from him. It will get better once it's gone. Please get yourself some counselling- when someone you used to be in love with is treating you like your feelings are totally unimportant then it helps to talk to someone who does care and is curious about how you feel.

The only way is up once he's gone x

HopeFloatsAbove · 25/09/2023 15:06

Good on you for putting your foot down. Be glad he has taken this decision, albeit a difficult one for you. He is showing you loud and clear who he is, dont forget that. How dare he have such double standards. Get angry. Really angry. Yes life is tough at present, but imagine if you handed over some of the inheritance to DH it would not be long until that was gone, and more money was needed. Its addiction. A high and seeing you are not willing to cater to his gambling, he is allowing himself to punish you rather than see the bigger picture.
its so hard. But you are doing the right thing. You do not crumble, seek legal advise now as he has shown you who he is, he will discard of you and the kids if he does not get his own way, dont forget that. yes he will revert and try and butter you up with charm every now and again, please do not fall for it. It may look like, at time, that you have your loving DH back, so remember how he was able to dump you in it, and the kids, without much care, blaming you for his life I am sure. Get angry

therealcookiemonster · 25/09/2023 15:27

@lurker1000 I know you feel heartbroken, but you have to be cut throat in your dealings with him. I wouldn't recommend giving him money to buy him out of the house. given his history you can't rely on him for cm or anything else. you will be better off selling and buying something smaller that is more affordable. make sure the Solicitor takes into account the previous gambling especially if that meant he gambled away family money. this will also affect how much custody he gets. I'm sure he will fight for 50/50 to avoid paying cm but he doesn't sound like a safe person for the children to be around.

also if he stops paying mortgage in your current house, that might affect his rights on the house? not sure about that, but something worth asking the lawyers about

Debini · 25/09/2023 15:32

i would just tell him to go now, why does he get to call the shots?

Original poster
lurker1000 · 25/09/2023 15:36

I've tried! But he keeps saying this is his home and he will go when he is ready - I asked if we can tell kids together, but he has refused. I feel like I'm stuck - I can't move until he does (I put him on the mortgage and deeds) I'm just really, really struggling..we live in this limbo where he won't speak or engage, there is a horrible, horrible atmosphere for the kids.

OP posts:
TheGoodBanana · 25/09/2023 16:06

I would give him divorce papers so he knows you are serious and just tell the kids yourself. Make him realise it's not a game.

Start acting like he has gone, so organise childcare or put arrangements into place that you will need when he has gone, put in a claim for maintenance through the CMS (do they have that in Scotland?) Are you entitled to any Universal Credit? I think you can claim that as a single parent even though he hasn't yet moved out, look into this properly though.

Can you afford to buy him out of the house with the inheritance?

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 25/09/2023 16:09

Which is its essential to tell the kids.
If he doesn’t want to do it with you, that’s his choice. But by nit telling the children, (and family?!), he gets to keep you in limbo whilst he organised himself at his leisure and leave YOU try and keep things normal, even when if it’s impossible. Basically he us8ng that time to punish you and make your life as hard as possible.

So tell the dcs. Tell your friends, family etc…
Somehow you need to take back some control. Telling others is one way. So is going to see a lawyer to get a better picture of what’s needed. Organising your life, not around him but Wo him. Giving him back his responsibility as a father etc….

PaintedEgg · 25/09/2023 16:30

he is trying to get the money - so dont feel bad for him. and dont buy him out, say you are ok with selling the house and splitting the profit - it will take time and thats not what he wants. Tell the kids, your family and friends - take that power away from him

itsmyp4rty · 25/09/2023 17:01

I'd guess that he is trying to make your life so miserable that you'll give in and agree to split the money. I don't think he wants to leave at all - much easier to live with you who does everything for him - he just wants to bully and emotionally abuse you into doing what he wants. Don't feel bad for this arsehole for one minute.

LifeExperience · 25/09/2023 17:10

He cares about money, not you. That's reprehensible. You're hurt now, but it will progress to anger, which is the appropriate emotion. He's a terrible human being.

Keep your inheritance segregated and get a GOOD solicitor.

He's not worth your time. You can do better.

209448spp · 25/09/2023 17:11

The absolute cheek of him, I’m assuming he used family money previously to gamble seen as he’s an addict?! While you were out working, doing the childcare and paying bills.
He’s throwing his toys out of the pram because he can’t get the one thing he wants and that’s the money.
I would get legal advice, put the house on the market, cut his clothes into tiny pieces and scatter them all out the window and then I would tell him to get fucked.
Im so glad you are financially independent, in that you have your job and inheritance.
let him walk, you owe him nothing.

Wallywobbles · 25/09/2023 18:03

Just tell your family. Tell the kids. Take control. See a solicitor. File for divorce. No one gives a flying fuck whose fault it is except you. Literally NOBODY else.

I felt like you do. Gambling addict arse of a husband. I saw a very good psychiatrist 4 times. He gave me homework and changed my world. Gave me strategies for handling dickhead.

In our pre divorce agreement, dick head had to give a date to move out. And he stuck to it. We were divorced 5 weeks later.

To be honest the divorce was just a step along the way. And in the end the kids went to court to be rid of him when they were 8 & 9. They are no 17 & 18 and haven't seen him since then.

By delaying starting you're just delaying ending.

I'd advise writing a list (on here or elsewhere) of all the cunty things he's done and a list of all the things you need to do.

If he's no longer contributing start a CMS claim today.

HowcanIhelp123 · 25/09/2023 18:09

If the kids are joint he will have to pay child maintenance. Apply asap.

As for mortgage - apply to go interest only for a few months to sort finances out.

Start divorce proceedings.

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