Beyond heartbroken

[lurker1000]

I've posted before - summary - husband is moving out (angry that I didn't share my inheritance with him and stepson as I chose to put away for our DCs as he is a gambling addict - one year off bets).

I'm just in a mess - I'm stumbling day to day - he said that he is moving out, but won't give me date (although apparently the Sky will be turned off next week so that may be when). But it's the complete and utter callousness that's involved - he won't speak at all, he's thrown me under the bus regarding all household bills (says he needs his money for new home), he won't watch the children at all or do any of the runs (says he is having to 'self-preserve' and will make it up to them when he is in their new home).

I'm going actually crazy - I can barely function with the kids, with my job, with keeping it together. He said he thought I would have fought for the relationship more - but I don't know what he wants me to do?

I genuinely don't know if he is gambling, or if there is someone else, or if he just hates me - for once, I didn't back down (over my parents estate) and he is walking away. I feel like the relationship was never what I thought it was (15 years - two kids - married for 5). I've buried my head in the sand and I know that reaching out to my friends and family will help but I feel that will just make everything more real...How can someone that you thought you knew, be so cruel?

Tomorrow phone up CMS, sure he will be pissed at you and the Mr Nice Guy will disappear overnight.

You now know without a doubt that your relationship is over, he is selfish and adds nothing to family life.

Keep on keeping on.

Thanks all - I haven't put in a call to CMS because I knew that would signal the end of something. That sounds so naive, but over the past few months there seemed like genuine steps - albeit on his terms looking back.

He came to collect his dog tonight - in and out in two minutes - nothing said, kiss on the head for our youngest.

I told him the last time we spoke that I felt used - that I was here paying all the bills, doing all the childcare and he was coming in and out when it pleased him. He said he only wanted to take baby steps and I hadn't convinced him that things would be different. 'Sure there were some good times' but it wasn't consistent. But I KNOW that his moods are a huge factor in that - I am not perfect, but his absolute entitlement and moods are bad (he's on antidepressants and regularly misses for a few days - which is terrible). it's a typical when its good, its great scenario. But I know you can't base life on that. Just feel foolish as I'm feeling all the things I did in Sep/Oct - feel like a bit of a mug xxx

Do you need a bit longer to vent and get it off your chest? I'm sure that's fine here - plenty of people benefit enormously from being able to offload.

Do you also intend to move forward and take steps to improve your life? Please say yes!

Imagine a life where you weren't constantly thinking about him. He is a puppet master; holding your strings and controlling every element of your life. Imagine you could just take a big breath in and out, and he was no more. You get to control what happens. You are in charge. His pathetic games no longer upset you. You take your power back. You work towards a life that you want to live, for you and your children, and let him go do whatever he wants (he will anyway). Your children grow up strong in the knowledge that you were consistent, and there for them, and that you showed them you would be better off without the man baby who can't take responsibility for anything. You would be happy, and you would be a great role model to your little ones. Try and rise above it. You're stuck right now, and can't see the wood for the trees. But you know you're better without him, you just need to steel yourself and break the tie for good. For you. Do it for you, and your kids. Be strong and resolute and I bet within a couple of months you'll see this absolute arse for what he really is.

What a manipulative abusive greedy selfish piece of shit!!! You’ll be way better off without him. True colours come out where money is concerned x

Sounds like he just wanted to get his feet under the table for Christmas time and now that's done, he's off. Until he wants you to look after him again.
Come on, you're allowed to be done with being used. He doesn't get to choose for you. Change the locks, for a start.

Call CMS in the morning. They don’t backdate - you’ll only get payment from the date you make a claim.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, but you do need to make sure you’re getting the money you need for the kids’ wellbeing.

Thanks - I’ll call CmS - I know I just need to put my big girl pants on and stop getting sucked into the highs.

I think the fact he’s not giving money for kids will actually help me - because it’s about them now. He would argue he’s spoiled us with gifts and stuff but my gut is telling me it’s not right.

xxx

Yes call CMS today!

Are you going to let him come in and out of your house again? I wouldn't.

Yes he wants to show off whilst never contributing to the basic needs either financially or practically.

"How can someone that you thought you knew, be so cruel?"

I asked myself the same thing many years ago. 20 years together, affair with younger woman leaving me with baby and toddler. Then to top it all tried to extract me from our family home and sacked me from our business which I was not a Director of, so I had no income. Then turned against the in-laws and caused them untold grief for a year or two. Behaviour was abhorrent and a true indicator of a man going through some sort of 'crisis' whom I suspect was dabbling with cocaine. I'll never know. Just remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I fully empathise with how you feel right now-I had to go onto sedatives, sleeping tablets and SSRI's to function. I was distraught, but here I am, with two grown up children who are happy, well adjusted and I'm happily remarried. He now spends his days worrying about how he'll 'cope' when attending their inevitable weddings, when everyone who's likely to be there, knows how he treated us and nobody gives him the time of day. Karma.

Oh @Seasaltsquall I'm so sorry to hear your story - but also so pleased that your life has happily moved on. That's the thing isn't it - like how can people change SO much. I don't think there is anyone else involved - he was trying to hard to make things work with us - but its all on his terms.

I'm sitting here right now about to have a nice night with my kids - still feeling unwell - no word from him re children or what's happening etc - I've got better at just getting on with our own thing now. When he was gambling, I read that kids need one parent (at least) to always be their constant - their safe space - and I guess I have always got used to that role.

I'm just a bloody stupid romantic who gets caught up in the good times - must. be. stronger!!

Don't feel like an idiot. A lot of us have been there, it happens because we want to believe in them. Unfortunately they're only out for themselves. Honestly the best thing you can do now is say "ok I now see the situation for what it is" and realise that what he wants is actually the best of both worlds and to avoid pay CM. He's not stupid, but he is manipulative.

And people wonder why incels exist... because most women have realised how f'ing useless the majority of men are. We can replace them with careers, dildos and child care as well as our friends when they behave like this.

Let him go and have his meltdown in his new hovel.

Thanks @roses321 thats so true. It’s taken a while but it’s finally sinking in.

he’s refusing to pick our kids up from school on the one day I work this week (I work till 10pm on a Wednesday) and I’m so done with it all. He won’t be a ‘pawn’ - where do they get like this - I genuinely can’t understand how they think that’s ok? I’m watching the kids 24/7 and he feels outraged that ‘I’m expecting him to get them on a Wednesday because it suits me’ eh no - it’s because it’s the only day you have ever got them.

just shattered. But trying to remember that this feeling will pass and just take a day at a time just now. Xxxx

Apparently the only reason he ever gambled was because of me.

OP, this goes completely against any 12 step programme like GA, which are entirely focussed on people taking responsibility for their addiction and how it impacted others. As long as he is saying stuff like this, he has got nowhere.

Agreed. It shows a complete inability to take responsibility for his own actions. No, another person does not 'make' someone responsible for their personal choices. We are only responsible for what we, as individuals, choose to do.

Do you recognise the cycle, OP? This is how it goes: idealisation (the love-bombing phase), devaluation, and discard.

The idealisation phase happened because he was still trying to get his hands on your money. When you didn't yield, he became angry. Then came devaluation. The blaming you for his own behaviour. The refusal to collect the kids because your time isn't as valuable as his. Now he's retreated in a sulk, because he didn't get the money he wanted, and is back into 'discard' phase again. Eventually, 'discard' becomes the permanent status, which will inevitably happen once he becomes convinced that the money is never going to be made available.

Whether he's gambling or not at present, he's still an addict. And addicts are people I unfortunately have a lot of experience with. For your children's wellbeing it's essential you do not let this man back into your life. He'll ruin you both emotionally and financially.

Op I have just sat and read your thread from start to finish.

You need to take control back of your life.

Stop doing family things with him and the boys, do family things with you and the boys,

Sort child care out. So you don't have to rely on him,

Call CMS

He's basically having his cake and eating it, coming and going as he pleases. I can't remember if you said how old the boys are, are they old enough to walk to his car? Or to his house if you drop them off. Without the need for you coming face to face with him.

When he does have the children, do something for you. Something you can't do when the children are around.

Grey rock completely, only reply if it's regarding seeing the children, if it's something else. Do not respond. Not even one word.

For years and year I used to wake up to 80+ plus messages, long essay ones of abuse and how everything was my fault from my ex. He was an addict, though alcohol not gambling, and he destroyed our family because of it, it's draining,

I came across the grey rock method, and stuck to it strictly. I didn't let him step foot in my house (my space!) and I blocked him from all social media, my life very quickly got easier and better,

Now our conversations are literally "these are the nights I'm working, these are the days you've got the boys"

Now you need to start building YOUR life. Stop letting him past your front door. He left the family, he doesn't get to dictate the family life any more.

I am so angry on your behalf! What a total shit he is. Find your anger . You can do better than this creep. And get that child support you are entitled to. It's the very least he can do.

I'm on the same journey girl and it's not an easy one. It's full of grief and confusion but it's heading to a better place when all is said and done.

Some people will just never be able to accept responsibility for themselves, their actions or their behaviour and you end up wondering who the hell they really are.

@roses321 sending you ALL the love and strength lovely - one day at a time is my mantra at the moment.

im actually hating that I’m on edge-I’m expecting him to be in contact at some point to see the kids and although it will be on my - and kids - terms - I’m so anxious because I know he will need to be in touch. Where are big girl pants?