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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Beyond heartbroken

195 replies

lurker1000 · 25/09/2023 13:44

I've posted before - summary - husband is moving out (angry that I didn't share my inheritance with him and stepson as I chose to put away for our DCs as he is a gambling addict - one year off bets).

I'm just in a mess - I'm stumbling day to day - he said that he is moving out, but won't give me date (although apparently the Sky will be turned off next week so that may be when). But it's the complete and utter callousness that's involved - he won't speak at all, he's thrown me under the bus regarding all household bills (says he needs his money for new home), he won't watch the children at all or do any of the runs (says he is having to 'self-preserve' and will make it up to them when he is in their new home).

I'm going actually crazy - I can barely function with the kids, with my job, with keeping it together. He said he thought I would have fought for the relationship more - but I don't know what he wants me to do?

I genuinely don't know if he is gambling, or if there is someone else, or if he just hates me - for once, I didn't back down (over my parents estate) and he is walking away. I feel like the relationship was never what I thought it was (15 years - two kids - married for 5). I've buried my head in the sand and I know that reaching out to my friends and family will help but I feel that will just make everything more real...How can someone that you thought you knew, be so cruel?

OP posts:
Bubbleblues6 · 25/09/2023 19:42

Because he wants his own way. Addicts are like this. My ex was a coke user and I'll always remember he had all my money one month after loosing his job. He wasted every penny. Then the day my pot was empty he was sulking about absolutely everything! He snapped at me. Said how awful his life was. Found loads of faults in me. (Poor him)..he literally told me I had no idea what stress was!!! I very much knew because it was a show all about him and my life didn't seem relevant. He would threaten to leave his flat. Throw my stuff outside and go on a train and leave when he had no money. He'd say he'd never talk to me again. Then a few hours later he was talking to me like nothing happened.

Leave him to it and see how far he can get on his own

Original poster
lurker1000 · 25/09/2023 20:13

Thank you everyone for commenting - you have no idea how alone I’ve felt and how hearing from others who don’t think it’s my fault helps.

hes away tonight with his tool box and spirit levels - assuming fixing stuff in new house. I’m so heartbroken but I’m not the first to go through this and I won’t be the last - I feel that the worst is still to come but sometimes you can’t avoid heartbreak steamrolling for you. I need to get the plaster off now.

sincerely though - thank you - no feeling as alone definitely helps - so much appreciated xxx

OP posts:
duvetday9 · 25/09/2023 20:18

Keep going.. it is so worth it Flowers

jelly79 · 25/09/2023 20:24

This is so awful OP. Imagine the emotional freedom you will have soon x

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 25/09/2023 20:31

Imagine someone leaving you because you wouldn't give him your money!!

OP, what would you say to someone who was in your situation.

You'd say, "Let him go."

Amsooverthis · 25/09/2023 20:32

It won't be next week or next month but there will be a point in the future when you will feel strong and back in control and happier than you've been in a long time. Tell your family and friends, it's hard but not as hard as pretending. Good luck.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 25/09/2023 20:36

He's probably still hoping you will back down and give him access to the money if he can manage to make you feel guilty enough. Stay strong. Handing over access to your inheritance to a gambling addict would be madness.

Whattodowithit88 · 25/09/2023 20:57

If you’re married I say the money should be shared….however being a gambling addict absolutely warrants not sharing and keeping it. You are doing the right thing. You have made the right choice. Believe in yourself, you knew from the minute the inheritance was coming you’re way that it would be a mistake to share it with him, that’s your gut instinct kicking in, always go with the gut.

Zanatdy · 25/09/2023 20:59

What does he actually want to do with your inheritance? Find your anger. Assume you’ve supported him through this gambling addiction and have suffered a lot financially over the years. He’s got a blooming cheek now saying you’re being selfish as you won’t let him waste your parents hard earned cash / estate they left for you and their grandchildren. Not for him to waste. It shows how little you mean to him doesn’t it? Horrible

bemorebernard · 25/09/2023 21:06

Op you need to start making positive steps re buying him out, divorce , maintenance etc.

You're absolutely doing right but he's still calling the shots and he's maki g it as hard on you as possible.

Take proactive steps now. Get the wheels in motion . You really do need him out asap , is selling the house an option ? What would you prefer to do, buy him out or sell and split the equity?

Stop letting him dictate the terms and start making moves to secure your future and the kids and dont let his blackmail throw you

Original poster
lurker1000 · 25/09/2023 21:15

Thanks - I just feel stuck. I know I am burying my head in the sand - not facing up to reality.

I think I would prefer to buy him out - for my kids. They are in a local school etc and I could make this a nice home.

His main vocal issue is that I excluded my stepson from inheritance, but dig beneath the surface and all the other anger comes out - I didn't spend more on holidays (I spent 6k), I haven't spent it on the home - basically ways that he would feel the benefit. He says that I have just thought of me and the kids and excluded him and his son. And that's what I feel bad about I guess - it's locked away in a high interest account for my kids. (I think at the back of my mind, it is also a safety net)

It's almost like he wants me to forget the last five years - and yes - he would claim he only gambled 'his' money (wages), but that doesn't count the many missed mortgage and bill payments, the bank cards stolen, the joint account cleaned out numerous times, money taken out of kids rooms, thousands and thousands put on credit cards/loans. How I had to pay for everything for the kids. It's his one year pin this week at GA so I should be supportive of how hard he has worked, and yes that is good but I'm not stupid.

I guess deep down I know that if I meant something to him, he wouldn't be moving out. That's what I need to accept. I just wish I could fast forward six months.

OP posts:
Helpmepleaseimbusy · 25/09/2023 23:09

lurker1000 · 25/09/2023 21:15

Thanks - I just feel stuck. I know I am burying my head in the sand - not facing up to reality.

I think I would prefer to buy him out - for my kids. They are in a local school etc and I could make this a nice home.

His main vocal issue is that I excluded my stepson from inheritance, but dig beneath the surface and all the other anger comes out - I didn't spend more on holidays (I spent 6k), I haven't spent it on the home - basically ways that he would feel the benefit. He says that I have just thought of me and the kids and excluded him and his son. And that's what I feel bad about I guess - it's locked away in a high interest account for my kids. (I think at the back of my mind, it is also a safety net)

It's almost like he wants me to forget the last five years - and yes - he would claim he only gambled 'his' money (wages), but that doesn't count the many missed mortgage and bill payments, the bank cards stolen, the joint account cleaned out numerous times, money taken out of kids rooms, thousands and thousands put on credit cards/loans. How I had to pay for everything for the kids. It's his one year pin this week at GA so I should be supportive of how hard he has worked, and yes that is good but I'm not stupid.

I guess deep down I know that if I meant something to him, he wouldn't be moving out. That's what I need to accept. I just wish I could fast forward six months.

Why would you give money ypu inherited from your kids bio grandparents to a child that is not related to them whatsoever. Makes no sense. He is being v unreasonable

bemorebernard · 25/09/2023 23:27

If you wanted to give his son so,ethi g that would be fine and lovely of,you but no,you aren't obliged and he's spent enough by the sounds of it to make throwing any money in his direction feel like a waste that would get wasted. That's on him.

Take positive steps now chic , move forward and make him realise no amount of sulking is going to,change anything.

ClawedButler · 26/09/2023 11:04

One of the signs of addiction is anger when you are denied whatever it is you are dependent on.

He's angry because he sees you as withholding the fix.

If he cared THAT much about his son, he wouldn't have gambled with the family money and risk having his son made homeless, would he? Or if the DSS doesn't live with you, he's gambled away money that should have been going on child support.

He's making it your fault. It isn't. He's done this to himself. Addiction has very real, often long-term consequences, not only for the addict but for everyone around them. This is a consequence of his irresponsible, self-centred and out of control behaviour. He cannot face up to that (it's likely too painful) and is not ready to face up to that yet, so he directs the rage he feels at you.

But you are not a one-woman addict rehabilitation centre.

You are a person, whose feelings are being utterly trampled.

Any man who resents children having money, and only gives a monkeys about his own son's money when it suits him, is not worth keeping.

Really hope you find your strength and your anger - and a good solicitor.

bluebell34567 · 26/09/2023 11:27

how did you allow him all these years squandering so much money from you?
i wouldnt allow him sulking at home and throw him out asap.
and cut contact to minimum-for the kids- no further dialog.

bluebell34567 · 26/09/2023 11:27

so unlucky that you have kids with him.

Dayhee · 26/09/2023 11:28

He sounds very unpleasant OP. What exactly are you heartbroken about? Surely not him! Is it the fact your life is unravelling because I’m really struggling to see the appeal of a nasty gambling addict.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 26/09/2023 11:46

I guess I’m heartbroken because I buried my head in the sand - I always believed that we would get through it - the gambling - pretty naive I know. Saying some things out loud makes you think - plus hearing others point out obvious things helps too.

im trying to grey rock - schools on strike up here and I’m watching kids whilst working but he knows tomorrow afternoon is the only day he has to, I’ve sent a polite message checking he is around - it’s been ignored. I’m pretty stuffed if he doesn’t step up and he knows that but I can’t have another argument so I’m just going to keep quiet. It’s a vicious cycle where the only control he has over me is the kids at times. I don’t want him to see me react.

OP posts:
Lavenderosa · 26/09/2023 11:52

Do you have an alternative to him "stepping up"? The more you don't need his input, the better it will be.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 26/09/2023 12:02

I would have to miss going into work - which isn’t ideal - but they come first. I feel that I need to move away from relying on him (even though he is their dad!) as it’s something that can be used against me? It’s not ideal but I need to break the idea that he thinks I need him

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 26/09/2023 12:09

why do you let him play games like that?
why do you let him upset you like that?
what is stopping you from throwing him out immediately?

pikkumyy77 · 26/09/2023 12:11

By delaying starting you're just delaying ending.

@Wallywobbles has this exactly right. Call a solicitor, tell everyone, box up his clothes and tell him to move. You must get busy living for yourself.

He is what they call a degenerate gambler. Like other addicts he will lie, steal, cheat, and abuse to fill his habit. However he folds in front of angry bookies or other authorities. Become an authority figure. Know your rights. Set your own goals. His goal is to get that money. Your goal is to be free.

bluebell34567 · 26/09/2023 12:11

this situation doesnt help you or the kids in anyway. quite the opposite.
you have to think of your kids growing up in this environment, too.

bluebell34567 · 26/09/2023 12:13

you havent taken any action for so many years i doubt you will take any action now.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 26/09/2023 12:16

I know how it looks - I’ve begged him to leave but he hasn’t gone in the past. And yes, I’ve been too weak for too long. Hearing this out loud from others though is a good wake up call.

the reality is that I could practically survive without him and he knows it - I just get emotionally over involved. My mum used to always tell me to toughen up and I think I should have listened more!

OP posts:
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