Beyond heartbroken

[lurker1000]

I've posted before - summary - husband is moving out (angry that I didn't share my inheritance with him and stepson as I chose to put away for our DCs as he is a gambling addict - one year off bets).

I'm just in a mess - I'm stumbling day to day - he said that he is moving out, but won't give me date (although apparently the Sky will be turned off next week so that may be when). But it's the complete and utter callousness that's involved - he won't speak at all, he's thrown me under the bus regarding all household bills (says he needs his money for new home), he won't watch the children at all or do any of the runs (says he is having to 'self-preserve' and will make it up to them when he is in their new home).

I'm going actually crazy - I can barely function with the kids, with my job, with keeping it together. He said he thought I would have fought for the relationship more - but I don't know what he wants me to do?

I genuinely don't know if he is gambling, or if there is someone else, or if he just hates me - for once, I didn't back down (over my parents estate) and he is walking away. I feel like the relationship was never what I thought it was (15 years - two kids - married for 5). I've buried my head in the sand and I know that reaching out to my friends and family will help but I feel that will just make everything more real...How can someone that you thought you knew, be so cruel?

When people leave messages like this for posters who are clearly suffering and crying out for help, they are kicking someone whilst their down. It's far too easy to do when you're hiding behind a keyboard!
If you've nothing to say that could actually help OP, you'd be wise to say nothing at all!
OP I can relate- my estranged H became a cocaine addict. Luckily, my son is an adult and I had no children with STBXH plus I own the house so could make him leave. He's still testing me for chinks in my defences though! You have to put your kids and your own welfare first now and stop beating yourself up for putting up with so much, as that can weaken you! You need to be strong now OP, so forgive yourself for the past and get to a solicitor asap. As he is emotionally abusing you and the kids, you might be able to make him move out! Do also tell your family and friends as the more support you have, the stronger you'll feel! You have the right to be angry,get in touch with it and channel it for the good of your kids and yourself!
Also, try and ignore the unhelpful, patronising or condemning comments like the one I've replied to. Easier said than done but remind yourself that they must be lacking if they feel the need to boost their ego by putting down someone who's suffering! Remind yourself it's a sort of bullying and very cowardly too, seeing as they're anonymous and hiding behind a keyboard!
Please keep us updated and and I will be thinking of you! I'm only 5 months out from making him leave and though lonely and face an uncertain future, I have far more peace of mind that when he was here and my son's happier too, because his mother's not being deceived, played and emotionally abused by an addict!

You have not caused him to be a gambler, and if he is saying that then he is not accepting his addiction.

You have 100% done the right thing to protect your inheritance and your children.

Do not be fooled by him and do not accept any blame.

You have done the right thing in protecting your children from his addiction. One year of not gambling is nothing, he should still be focusing on his recovery and on making reparations if he is serious about doing the steps. I am so sorry he is behaving like this; take it to mean that he is NOT in recovery because this is the gambling equivalent of dry drunk behaviour (mine was an alcoholic).

You are allowed to grieve. Seek help if you need to, and please tell people in RL. Meanwhile grt started on the practicalities: solicitor, start divorce, claim CMS from him. Good luck.

I'd get the inheritance put away in a trust for your kids. Then he can't get it and pestering you would be pointless.

Take ownership of the situation and tell the kids. Tell your family. Tell your friends.
You need the support and he needs to know you can make it on your own, with your own team around you.

People that feel the need to contact you telling you how happy they are without you, how they never think of you, found their peace blah blah ... well if it was true they'd be out busy enjoying their life rather than spending their time messaging you! He's trying to put you down so you feel as miserable as he is.

He will probably start gambling, to stay away from something you're addicted to you need to own you're an addict and your fault. If he's blaming you for it, its a slippery slope into 'it was all because of them, I'm not actually an addict, i can place one bet, I'll be able to stop'.

Keep going strong, you've done the right thing.

If the kids arent staying with him and hes not doing any parenting or paying for anything, then get a CMS claim in asap. Will help you cover the mortgage and keep the kids home while he is flouncing over not being able to keep stealing from you (and them). Have it deducted straight from his wages so he cant gamble it away first, he will have to pay 19% of gross earnings for one child and 27% for two children and 33% for 3 or more children. So well worth doing asap as likely all the kids will get from him now (in fact sounds like more than he has ever contributed to them). All the best OP, awful finding out he only cares about himself, but now you know and can plan a much better life without that millstone around your neck.

Thank you all - it’s really appreciated. I didn’t see an offensive post so I hope I’m not causing any offence.

I spoke to my sister earlier who was great - and yes - saying out loud is hard but makes you realise you are not alone - thank you all xxx

You haven't been remotely offensive OP, please don't think that!
I was referring to an unhelpful comment made to you by someone else, that I felt was putting you down, and , as kicking someone whilst their down is cruel, needed to be confronted!
I'm glad you've told your sister! I only have my son and best freind by Facetime as we are in different countries but just being abe to talk to her and having DS around helps me enormously, so I think the love and support you'll get from your sister will be a great comfort to you too!
I know what you mean about trying not to cry in front of your son; I've mostly kept it from him too but one night a few months ago I felt so broken I just couldn't keep it quiet and he came in and stayed with me to comfort me! It was the sort of sobbing and weeping that feels almost painful, not cathartic at all and I was scared I couldn't stop for a while! It was horrible and I felt awful for not being able to hide it from my son but he was wonderful, and showed what a caring, loving and compassionate young man he's grown into! Your son's 19 now so he won't be damaged at all by seeing you cry occasionally and he also sounds like a good, kind, caring young man! He loves you and in a way, being able to comfort you sometimes will help him feel strong, which is good for young men, so don't be hard on yourself!
Your H is a thundering disgrace, a weak, malicious and pathologically selfish addict, just like mine! They don't deserve us! We deserve love, so let's receive it with grace when it's given to us and only give it to those who merit it, as our sons surely do!

God, I hope I’m not the ‘offensive’ poster. Certainly didn’t mean to be.
you’ve done the right thing OP. Stay strong.

You are nearly there OP. You have done the most difficult part and made that very difficult (but sensible) decision.

Can you turn Sky off now? Perhaps it will prompt him to move quicker. Then turn it back on once he's gone if you need to. Just make things less comfortable for him.

I remember the still living in the same house after deciding to seperate, it was the worst time, so I know that the tension must be like. But it won't be forever and you will live a better life without him and his dramas very soon.

Agree with getting the divorce ball rolling. He needs to see you are not the meek person he thinks you are. He's no doubt been manipulating you for years, it's just that you see through him now. I wanted to congratulate you on that. Although it may not feel like you want to celebrate that right now, as it's upended your life, but as times go on, you will look back and see it all quite differently.

You don't need to keep this a secret. I understand this part too. But he isn't there for you, and it is okay to ask for help from others. And getting it out there will take a massive load off your chest.

Hang in there. Not long now. 💐

When you are going through hell—keep going! You are doing what must be done, OP. He really leaves you no choice. So just continue freeing yourself bit by bit. It will get easier.

Oh man this is so, so hard. I tried to speak to him tonight - I know, I know - and he refuses to engage with me full stop. He wants us to discuss via solicitors, he will move out when he is ready - although I now have confirmation that he has a flat and is furnishing, hence why no money for this family home. How can someone who you have shared everything with for 15 years just become so unbelievably cold? It's like he actually hates me. I know I shouldn't speak to him and I don't want to be pathetic, but until a few months ago we would talk about anything, fall out and fall in again all the time.

I don't know why I am posting - just in tears. I know that it's over and I never, ever saw this coming (head in sand much?) I've spoken to my sister and one of my best friends today who are 100% there, but it's just brutal.

I know it's hard, but it's time to play hardball - go to the CMS for maintenance. You're not together and he has to meet his obligations.

It's fine. Being treated like shit will help you find your angry. Angry helps you stop feeling sad. It's all a step along the way.

How are you doing with your to do list? And shit behaviour list? Feel free to post here and I'm sure we can help.

Just keep moving forwards.

Hate to say this, but it’s likely there’s an OW lined up somewhere.

Get your claim in with the CMS today - it’s just a phone call to get started and they won’t back-date beyond the date you make that first call. Glad you’re getting some RL support now.

How do you do this? Honestly how do you get through the day?

He's still here, but slowly moving stuff over - today I find out he has transferred the internet over and tomorrow the TV. He's going around telling everyone I am crazy, but he won't speak and is being so unbelievably cruel.

I tried to speak to him at weekend - he ranted at me for ages - then goes out for a takeaway for kids with a bottle of wine for me (wtf) and some beers for him. I didn't drink it. The next morning he comes along to watch our son play football - told me last night that the decision has been made and he is going. Perhaps in time if my behaviour improved then there could be a future for us, but I would have to seriously work hard. It's like he is creating this narrative that he is completely innocent. Apparently the only reason he ever gambled was because of me.

I need to explain to my kids why there is no internet and no TV tomorrow - I need to tell them - in a way that is suitable - that daddy has a new home etc. He told me that is up to me and he will speak to them when he is ready.

I've spoken to my brother and sister now and one of my closest friends - everyone is beyond shocked as this is all completely out of character. I'm speaking to a lawyer tomorrow.

I just don't know how to function. I need to work, look after my kids and I can barely move. How do you get through this???

I would start by seeing if you can get your own Internet account set up and while that's in progress, look at increasing your phone data and hot spotting. Look on your local selling pages for a second hand smart TV, they can be had for very little money. If your kids asked, tell them the truth, that their dad took the TV and the Internet because he said he paid for them. You can say this neutrally as it's probably true; they can make up their own minds.

If there’s a big change of character then there may well be someone else in the background stoking it.

Whilst not always true, many men won’t jump without a soft landing - ie another woman kicking around somewhere. Don’t be too shocked if one surfaces. He’ll claim it was only once you did all those ‘unforgivable things’ to him and there was absolutely no overlap.

I think you have done the right thing. Deep down this has brought up trust issues for him, he knows he cannot have access to the money because he will most likely gamble it. I’m sure he has put you through a lot over the years due to his addiction. My marriage ended and I like you found it hard to tell people. I was shocked at his behaviour. It took about 9 months for me to do angry. It was his lack of care that broke me. I feel so much better now a year on. I’m sure you will too. Just take one day at a time.

Thanks all - I only hope to feel better - it’s just hell at the minute. Literally every second hurts and tears threaten. Wish I was made of stronger stuff

You are the one who is protecting the family and keeping the family ship afloat. He is the one punching holes in the hull and saying it’s your fault the ship is sinking. You are exhausted running around patching up holes while constantly checking up on where he is attacking next. No wonder you can hardly think. You’ve been in a state of crisis for too long.
When he’s gone, do not let him back in the house. Make it a safe space. Change the locks. Gradually calm will return and your sanity with it.
Your parents did not work hard and save their money for your husband to spaff it away gambling. You are right to protect their assets for their grandchildren.

You are doing an amazing job!

Hang in there, once he's gone you can take a big deep breath and things will start to feel better really quickly, I promise.

You're doing amazingly well, and are stronger than you think. He's the one who's unable to deal with reality, and has resorted to creating false narratives and hatching an escape plan instead of behaving like an adult with shared responsibilities.

I know how you feel and I implore you to tell yourself "I am not a victim". When you are coming at it from the point of view of "how could he do this to me" you are upset and sad. I was there for SO long, seriously, and I still am sometimes.

Try and find your strength, I know how crazy that sounds right now when your heart is breaking.

This guy is basically kicking off because he hasn't got his own way, he is being an out and out bully and an arsehole because he can't have what he wants and generally when someone is like that they were always like it - you just might have not realised it.

You asked why? Entitlement. Just basic entitlement and attitude. I recognise so much of my ex in your husbands behaviour, including the "well if you're not going to fight for it then see you later" attitude. I didn't fight for it, I stuck two fingers up to him and left. I cried all the damned time and he had me on my knees and would have happily pushed my face in the mud had he got the chance but I left and called his bluff every single time he threatened something.

He'll soon realise what a twat he's been, but he's already blown it with you so every single time he makes a threat calls his fucking bluff. It's the only thing these men understand. They think they can bully and destroy you to get what they want - and you're not going to allow that.

I am so sorry for your pain, lurker1000. It won't feel like it now but it will get better.

The man you married isn't there any more. Gambling meant more to him than you, your children, anything or anybody else. Gamblers do not care for anything but feeding their own seflish, greedy wants. I have zero respect for them and I don't accept any assertion of 'but it's a disease'. It bloody well isn't.

I'm glad you're in Scotland and that you can safeguard your inheritance; your parents would not have wanted it any other way but for you/your children given that you're married to somebody so feckless and uncaring.

The advice from PP to go 'grey rock' and behave as if he's already gone is very good, do just that. The way that he's eating cereal instead of paying his way is manipulative and cruel for your children to witness. He obviously doesn't care, but you do. Let him eat his cereal alone, eat with the children separately.

I agree about getting a solicitor moving on with divorce... that will set you free. It will also helpfully distract you from the pain of what you've lost. Just know that you lost that a long time ago when this fucker gambled away family money. Let him be angry. Be cold but civil in response.

This won't last forever