Beyond heartbroken

[lurker1000]

I've posted before - summary - husband is moving out (angry that I didn't share my inheritance with him and stepson as I chose to put away for our DCs as he is a gambling addict - one year off bets).

I'm just in a mess - I'm stumbling day to day - he said that he is moving out, but won't give me date (although apparently the Sky will be turned off next week so that may be when). But it's the complete and utter callousness that's involved - he won't speak at all, he's thrown me under the bus regarding all household bills (says he needs his money for new home), he won't watch the children at all or do any of the runs (says he is having to 'self-preserve' and will make it up to them when he is in their new home).

I'm going actually crazy - I can barely function with the kids, with my job, with keeping it together. He said he thought I would have fought for the relationship more - but I don't know what he wants me to do?

I genuinely don't know if he is gambling, or if there is someone else, or if he just hates me - for once, I didn't back down (over my parents estate) and he is walking away. I feel like the relationship was never what I thought it was (15 years - two kids - married for 5). I've buried my head in the sand and I know that reaching out to my friends and family will help but I feel that will just make everything more real...How can someone that you thought you knew, be so cruel?

Hell no, @lurker1000 how can you possibly think you are wrong? He begrudges his children an inheritance? You know he will gamble it away, he’s an addict. If he was a heroin addict would you give it to him?

Well think how much worse you would feel once he had gambled all your money, and he is still acting like this. This is who he is.

you are well rid of him, he is not the man you thought he was, but all is NOT lost. You kept the money for your kids. You are doing something really difficult but it’s right for your kids. Well done! Keep strong.

I think he’s angry BECAUSE he’s a gambler. In his mind the money represents a large prize, maybe the break that could be turned into the one big win that would make everything all right forever. You are preventing this and this translates into you have destroyed his life. Don’t think it matters whether he is currently gambling or not, this is the mindset.

I’m so sorry it must be so hard, but as everyone has said you are doing absolutely te right thing. Take care x

Quick update - he is still here - but I think going in next day or so - all his stuff is out now and we've told the children (who have been to see the new flat). I'm still searching for my angry but just unbearably sad. I asked if it was possible to fix this relationship and he has made it very clear that he wants to move out. He said 'you know where I will be if you want to come and talk'. During our talks, I said I loved him and he said 'good for you'. So it's defo done.

He won't engage with me when I try to sort out what will happen with kids - but seems to think that they will be going to his flat 'lots' and are going to be unbelievably happy. I know I need to get my lawyer to sort this.

What's really hard is that he is being fun dad all weekend, he's got next week off and clearly going to be the best parent (despite doing nothing for two months). It breaks my heart to see the kids so happy as they do actually love doing things with him. I know this is good for them, but it's so, so, so hard. I feel like I am the boring mum and he gets to be the good guy. They are all downstairs watching football together whilst I am upstairs on my own posting here.

I know that this is the reality - I guess I'm just looking for a hand hold for a bit...xx

@lurker1000 your their mum and you’ll always be there mum, once he’s gone and he’s not in your face all the time it will be so much easier.
You got this, remember how cold he was when you told him you loved him and keep that with you to find your anger.

He can fake it for a few hours or a weekend—but his motivation is spite rather than real love for his children. Take a very deep breath and look at all his behaviors with a very cynical eye. He is what they call a “degenerate gambler” —its bad snd it will only get worse. He can absolutely manage to sit in the couch or order takesway when it suits him. But in the long run he will not be able to be there for the children financially, emotionally , or reliably. He can say what he wants now , and he will to hurt you and hide his shame and anger—but he will throw everything away eventually including every scrap of the children’s love. Its sad for the children. Because you can’t exactly warn them. But read up on high conflict divorce, divorce from a narcissist, and how to teach your children about tricky people (not bad people, tricky people) because this is going to be a long war to teach them how to handle loving a person who is selfish and abusive.

Don't be sad. Your life is going to be so much better when he finally leaves. He is doing you a favour. Shame he is taking his time but it's him trying to be in control. Twat.

OP he’s still gambling. Gambling with your emotions playing childish games to hurt you.
Get his names off your bills , passwords , bank accounts, mobile etc- he’s playing games.
Get details of his pensions, savings etc - he won’t be open with his assets in a divorce.
You need to put in a claim with CMS and universal credit , check he’s not claiming child benefits
Seeing a solicitor is a must - can you get a legal separation while all this is being sorted out
Dont expect him to behave like a decent human being .Oh and get the locks changed when he leaves

Just wanted to say thank you - I've opened up to my family and friends and they are great but in the moments when you are sitting along (after speaking to people during day) then mumsnet has really helped. Knowing that other people understand is a real help.

I have the feeling I am only at the start of the worst times - and despite everything I am dreading the next few days when he eventually goes, I also have absolutely no control over what happens now and need to just go through it. I wish there was a quick fix way to find your anger and lose all the sadness...xxx

Stay strong and stop telling him you love him.

Be your best. Look your best. Do your best.

Spend quality time with your kids both in and out of the house. Make your plans with them and if you have a prior arrangement and he wants to spend time with them, then tough.

He needs to grow up and be mature. You need to function as coparents and his refusal to communicate isn't helpful.

He's shown you who he really is. Believe him.

It breaks my heart to see the kids so happy as they do actually love doing things with him. I know this is good for them, but it's so, so, so hard. I feel like I am the boring mum and he gets to be the good guy.

First of all, you’ll always be their mum. The one who is there when they’ve scrapped their knee, when school is hard work and they’ve fallen out with James.
Second, yes he can and might make the weekends he has with them ‘amazing’, ding lots with them etc… BUT SO CAN YOU. Nothing is stopping you from doing all those exciting things with them. Yes incl watching football if they are that keen about it. Or finding new common interests together.

He left yesterday. It really happened. It’s just me and the kids now.

in the end I had to tell him to go - for six weeks he’s been taking stuff everyday - he had nothing left here but was coming back to sleep here. It wasn’t fair on me or kids. So yesterday morning I was very clear that wasn’t on - he hadn’t paid bills etc and I felt he was playing games and hurting me every day.

but bloody hell - I’m broken. My sister came over last night and over wine and talking I felt ok. It definitely helps to talk - but I’ve woke this morning and I’m devastated. The kids are still asleep and house feels so quiet. I’m dreading them going to his - we haven’t sorted when that will be but I get they will go at some point,

I can’t believe he’s thrown everything away to move into a flat on his own - he took his dog yesterday. The reality is that he knew I wanted to make it work and he still went. Just devastated.

Didn't want to read and run, sending you massive hugs and reassurance that you will get better one day at a time, I sincerely hope it won't take too long for you to heal and realise that you are better off without him. I've been where you are and it's awful just be kind to yourself xx

Get a solicitor and get the house up for sale now. Things will get worst, you have to act now. Contact women’s aid for support. He is a vile abuser - financial abuse is still abuse - so you need support from professionals.
get passports and other important docs out of the house and with your family.

However tough it is now, and it is, he's done you a favour. You could never have made it work, because if you'd shared your inheritance one of two things would have happened:

1 - You would have been constantly terrified that he was gambling it away, or
2 - He would have gambled it away

This was always a no win situation. You now need to work out the residency situation and then if it isn't fully 50/50, go for maintenance. He owes you after stiffing you for all the bills for 6 weeks. You should also check what you may be entitled to in the way of benefits.

@lurker1000 you've done the hard bit now, you just need to push forward and make plans.
He wasn’t good enough for you, and because he couldn’t get his own way which was access to the money you saw his true intentions and colours.
Leave him to his pokey little flat, the only way is up for you now! You can do this, and your going to be so much happier six months from now.

He stayed those 6 weeks to HURT you and does not care one but that he has hurt the DC in the meantime.

Have you been on the phone to claim single adult status on council tax, claim universal credit etc?

He's a user and used you to fund his gambling and he is ANGRY that has stopped ANGRY that you won't use the inheritance to replace the money he spent gambling. He still hasn't taken responsibility for HIS gambling has he?

Don't be bullied into buying him out at more than the house is worth. Don't think you need to spend £ on a solicitor replying to meaningless whining claims.

Stick to legal facts.

Don't let him piss you about over childcare by having them overnight but doing fuck all.

Get onto CMS and make a claim today. You should have done that when he stopped financially paying his share.

It’ll feel like this for a while, but it’ll get better. It’s the right thing for you in the long run, it really is.

For now, try your best to concentrate on practicalities. You need to anyway, but it’ll also help you focus and will ease just a little of the painful side.

Have you got your CMS claim in? It’s really important that you do that now, today, if you haven’t done it already. He’s shown you that he’s not going to be a responsible absent parent by not contributing to the bills (ie helping to feed and house his children).

CMS will only date a claim from when you submit one / contact them - they won’t backdate it further. Don’t lose time (and money he should be contributing) by delaying.

Talk to your mortgage provider and see if you can take a mortgage holiday or pay interest only for a while. That will give you some breathing space.

You need him out, so encourage him to go. I think you are unlikely ever to receive any money from him in Child Support, because he will gamble and won't have money to pay. He will probably go bankrupt within a year of leaving because he won't have support or anything to brake against his issues. I say this as you need to plan on the basis that it will be you, and only you, providing for the kids. Speak to Women's Aid and they may be able to help you with planning for the future. I know this isn't emotional advice but if you get in top of the practicalities, you may begin to feel better and move forward. But first, let him leave so he is not residing in the house anymore.

Sending big hugs to you OP. I understand how you feel, no matter how much you think you are prepared for the final step of him leaving, it usually still cuts like a knife when it happens. It's the finality of it happening, deep down there may have been some hope that it would work out ok. This is very a very normal reaction, so try not to be too hard on yourself. It is traumatic, and you need to deal with the trauma of it.

Some time down the line you will look back at this time and be in a completely different head space.

Things will be better. Just need to take each day as it comes for now.

If the house feels quiet to you, in a bad way, that is because you are used to the excitement and tension of tiptoeing around his moods and needs. Get into therapy, read up on codependency etc.. because now you need to do the hard work of untraining yourself from the trauma of the relationship. You have a traumatic attachment—you have grown used to both sides of the relationship (the attraction and the repulsion) and it will take some work to calm your nerves and to accept and enjoy peace. It is unfamiliar to you.

Take note of what @pikkumyy77 said. My marriage broke down too - alcohol, not gambling. And yes, the house was quiet. But as soon as my DC realised that they were now safe from him, they came right out of their shell. It was three days after he was removed by police that I heard DC1 singing in the shower - I cried. Happy tears. You'll have those moments too.

The worst part is that he is texting a lot today - about how he will always love me but it couldn't work etc. I've said to stop as it isn't helping anyone. I guess the reality of everything is just hitting him right now.

He said earlier that me and the kids were welcome at his flat anytime - it's like he is trying to be Mr Reasonable after making all the decisions up to this point.

My head is a mess, it's easy to hate someone but when you love them and they are doing this, it just breaks my heart. I'm a total mug but I hate the thought of him feeling hurt too (even though he hasn't given my hurt a thought).

I'm tucking in my boys tonight and just hoping tomorrow a bit better xx

He is playing mind games with you.

He has the DC via contact arrangements - he picks them up on his days and then drops them back as agreed.