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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Beyond heartbroken

195 replies

lurker1000 · 25/09/2023 13:44

I've posted before - summary - husband is moving out (angry that I didn't share my inheritance with him and stepson as I chose to put away for our DCs as he is a gambling addict - one year off bets).

I'm just in a mess - I'm stumbling day to day - he said that he is moving out, but won't give me date (although apparently the Sky will be turned off next week so that may be when). But it's the complete and utter callousness that's involved - he won't speak at all, he's thrown me under the bus regarding all household bills (says he needs his money for new home), he won't watch the children at all or do any of the runs (says he is having to 'self-preserve' and will make it up to them when he is in their new home).

I'm going actually crazy - I can barely function with the kids, with my job, with keeping it together. He said he thought I would have fought for the relationship more - but I don't know what he wants me to do?

I genuinely don't know if he is gambling, or if there is someone else, or if he just hates me - for once, I didn't back down (over my parents estate) and he is walking away. I feel like the relationship was never what I thought it was (15 years - two kids - married for 5). I've buried my head in the sand and I know that reaching out to my friends and family will help but I feel that will just make everything more real...How can someone that you thought you knew, be so cruel?

OP posts:
Lavenderosa · 26/09/2023 12:17

Yes I think you shouldn't have to rely on him for anything at all because then you'll be able to function without worrying about whether he'll 'step up' or not. That's intolerable and you'd be so much better off if you sort out a life you can live completely independently. The more he has control, the more he'll use it to manipulate you.

Wallywobbles · 26/09/2023 12:20

Don't rely on him tomorrow. Find an alternative. Don't allow him any power to fuck with you. Call the kids friends parents. Pay for a babysitter. They will fuck with you in every imaginable way.

bluebell34567 · 26/09/2023 12:21

why are begging him to leave?
take control and throw him out (asap).
no one has any right to upset you (and indirectly your kids) like that in your own home.

pikkumyy77 · 26/09/2023 12:22

Start fresh and pretend to be strong. Pretend to be a different woman who will fight for herself and her children. For every decision ask yourself “does this benefit me and my children?”

bluebell34567 · 26/09/2023 12:23

in case you dont know the marriage is finished. he is a gambler and a nasty man and always will be.
just cut the bandage off and dont look back. that will be a great gift for you and for your kids.

bluebell34567 · 26/09/2023 12:24

you are a strong woman holding a job and look after the kids and the home and everything. you can easily do this.

bluebell34567 · 26/09/2023 12:27

pikkumyy77 · 26/09/2023 12:22

Start fresh and pretend to be strong. Pretend to be a different woman who will fight for herself and her children. For every decision ask yourself “does this benefit me and my children?”

so true.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 26/09/2023 12:29

I agree about finding an alternative for tomorrow.

Youve evaluated the situation well. He is using the kids to have power over you. And what sort of father does that?!?

Keep living your life as he wasn’t here. Ignore him in all sense of the term. Imagine he is away on a long work trip - whatever.
It’s very hard to act as if he wasn’t there when what you want is for him to act like a father to his own dcs. But just now, he doesn’t have their best interests at heart. Don’t expect him to. He might do again one day but not just now.

itsmylife7 · 26/09/2023 12:30

What an amazing Woman you're OP.

You've finally stood up to him and he is rebelling against you.

You must seek support from family and good friends.

Sharing the mental load will feel better once you've crossed this hurdle.

Dayhee · 26/09/2023 12:34

Yes. You need to toughen up. Ignore him and don’t ever show him that it is upsetting you. You are well rid of this loser believe me.

Gettingbysomehow · 26/09/2023 12:36

What a vile way to behave. Making you and the children suffer. I certainly wouldn't give a gambler money either and quite honestly his behaviour shows that he doesn't give a damn about you.
Stick to your guns. He is not a keeper. A large amount of money can set gamblers off again so don't give in. He clearly does not give a damn about you or the children. What a complete shit.

Gettingbysomehow · 26/09/2023 12:38

My exH treated me the same way at the end, that's when I knew it was over for me. You don't do that to people you love.

LizzieSiddal · 26/09/2023 12:38

Use some of your intermittence to pay for childcare so you don’t have to rely on him at all.

Highandlows · 26/09/2023 12:47

Good riddance OP. You deserve better. Let him go and you must admit that living with a gambler is not healthy. Be strong and hope that you get supported by friends who can help at this stage.

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 26/09/2023 13:06

OP, don’t use any of the inheritance money for anything until you see a lawyer. He has no claim on your inheritance under Scots law, but if you were to pay off the mortgage with it for example, he would be entitled to half.
Good luck.

OliveToboogie · 26/09/2023 15:56

You are amazing woman. Take control back. Tell family etc. Just ignore him. Follow the legal advice. It's hard at moment but does get easier I promise. He is gambling again I'm sure of it and projecting his guilt and shame onto you. I live in Glasgow if you are near.

DontLeanOnTheKeyboard · 26/09/2023 16:13

Wallywobbles · 25/09/2023 18:03

Just tell your family. Tell the kids. Take control. See a solicitor. File for divorce. No one gives a flying fuck whose fault it is except you. Literally NOBODY else.

I felt like you do. Gambling addict arse of a husband. I saw a very good psychiatrist 4 times. He gave me homework and changed my world. Gave me strategies for handling dickhead.

In our pre divorce agreement, dick head had to give a date to move out. And he stuck to it. We were divorced 5 weeks later.

To be honest the divorce was just a step along the way. And in the end the kids went to court to be rid of him when they were 8 & 9. They are no 17 & 18 and haven't seen him since then.

By delaying starting you're just delaying ending.

I'd advise writing a list (on here or elsewhere) of all the cunty things he's done and a list of all the things you need to do.

If he's no longer contributing start a CMS claim today.

This 100%. Stop saying ‘I can’t because he won’t’.

Go to a solicitor, initiate divorce proceedings, get the house on the market. Do not wash, cook, clean, buy anything for him. Turn the Sky off yourself and accept he will not help with the kids, that is on you now. Look at other arrangements.

Sit the kids down, and tell them and mean it. He is emotionally manipulating you and trying to bully you into giving in. Tie the money in a trust immediately, or he will start working on the kids for it.

He only gets to dictate the agenda if you allow him to.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 26/09/2023 16:33

OliveToboogie · 26/09/2023 15:56

You are amazing woman. Take control back. Tell family etc. Just ignore him. Follow the legal advice. It's hard at moment but does get easier I promise. He is gambling again I'm sure of it and projecting his guilt and shame onto you. I live in Glasgow if you are near.

This!! He's going for his one year pin at GA on Thursday night - making big deal of how it is a year gamble free and he isn't the man he was before, but there is a tiny part of me that thinks he is gambling again. The way he is speaking etc and his anger, but maybe I'm looking for excuses and it's just who he is.

OP posts:
BellaAndDave · 26/09/2023 16:47

Speak to your family to get some support around you and some help with the children if they can. Get an appointment with a solicitor and start the divorce ball rolling. Tell him he’s leaving don’t ask him! Pack his stuff if need be and mean business, he’s going, that’s the end of it and don’t take no for an answer. This is the pathetic excuse of a man who’s stolen from you as well as the children and left you short for bills, remember what he’s done. He’s got a bloody cheek trying to call all the shots - take his control away OP, you’re worth much more than this piece of shit. You can have a life with no-one controlling you with no fear of him gambling, grasp that life with both hands. Once you’ve told your family and have real life support things will feel better.

Original poster
lurker1000 · 27/09/2023 08:43

He was out last night - sending me messages telling me how he has finally found peace by getting his own place, how his life has been unbearable with me, that I have caused him to be a gambler but after a year off bets, he is now in a good place. He said he wishes me well.

I'm trying so, so hard - thank you everyone for helping - but why is this so bloody difficult. My whole life is unravelling and as much as I am desperate to take control, I'm just really, really struggling.

OP posts:
PaterPower · 27/09/2023 10:32

It’ll be shit until it’s not, and the quickest way of it being ‘not shit’ is to take the practical steps you can (CMS, solicitor to start divorce etc) after that, perhaps a long while after, the emotional side will get easier.

Get some real-world support too, and asap. Tell your Mum. Speak to your best friends. Don’t bottle it up. As helpful as this forum can (sometimes) be, it’s not a hug, a coffee or a shared cry and it sounds like you could use all of that.

ClawedButler · 27/09/2023 13:24

The absolute AUDACITY of that man. He wishes you well?? After treating you like this??

He can get in the sea.

bluebell34567 · 27/09/2023 13:44

if he is in peace tell him to stay in there and dont come back. (i dont believe he is peace, etc)
and you are never to blame for his addiction. dont get into any discussion with him, he will try to upset you. he is a manipulator as well as other things.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 27/09/2023 14:05

I agree with @PaterPower you need to start telling people in RL.

Neverseenthatmuchjunkinthetrunkbefore · 27/09/2023 14:21

He is a really huge pile of shit.

He is so angry you won’t give him your money to piss up the wall. It is that which motivates what he does and says.

Give yourself permission to live a life free of gambling, addiction, emotional blackmailing, gas lighting and debt. Once you are settled in you new life, you will wonder why you put up with it for so long.

Fake it til you make it. Put on your hard face- this is for your kids.