Beyond heartbroken

[lurker1000]

I've posted before - summary - husband is moving out (angry that I didn't share my inheritance with him and stepson as I chose to put away for our DCs as he is a gambling addict - one year off bets).

I'm just in a mess - I'm stumbling day to day - he said that he is moving out, but won't give me date (although apparently the Sky will be turned off next week so that may be when). But it's the complete and utter callousness that's involved - he won't speak at all, he's thrown me under the bus regarding all household bills (says he needs his money for new home), he won't watch the children at all or do any of the runs (says he is having to 'self-preserve' and will make it up to them when he is in their new home).

I'm going actually crazy - I can barely function with the kids, with my job, with keeping it together. He said he thought I would have fought for the relationship more - but I don't know what he wants me to do?

I genuinely don't know if he is gambling, or if there is someone else, or if he just hates me - for once, I didn't back down (over my parents estate) and he is walking away. I feel like the relationship was never what I thought it was (15 years - two kids - married for 5). I've buried my head in the sand and I know that reaching out to my friends and family will help but I feel that will just make everything more real...How can someone that you thought you knew, be so cruel?

Hi, this is my first time on here , so I hope I'm doing it right 🙈...
I've been in a relationship with my OH for 25 years and we have one son ( I have another boy from a previous marriage) .
My feelings for him have changed , I love him but not in a romantic way, he still loves me dearly and it breaks my heart that I don't feel the same.
I spoke to him a few months ago about separating but he didn't want that , so he decided to sleep in the spare room instead....4 months later and he's still in the spare room and we are living together like roommates, no affection , just chit chat about work and kids etc .
The house is in his name so I wouldn't be entitled to anything , so the financial implications are one of the main reasons I'm staying put really , I only work part time and would have to find somewhere to rent.
I'm so torn what to do for the best , I hate making him unhappy , but I can't change the way I feel about him.
Any advice would be great xx

@Mistyroad you need to start your own thread. Go to New thread at the top of the front page and paste your problem into it.

I have now , thanks 😊

@lurker1000 you are doing a whole lot better than you think you are.

You have been through a lot. You have had to make very difficult decisions and I know they were not easy.

You are going to be feeling very emotion right, this is a massive change to your life. And I sense, because you feel it is you that made this big decision to protect your children's future, you feel moreso responsible? I do not know if this is the case but I have been there (I told my dh to leave due to his affair/s, therefore in his eyes, his leaving was my fault as I asked him to leave iyswim). And I felt I had made the biggest mistake ever some days, and my whole world changed, just like that. And I was made to feel guilt for it.

Keep going. Think about if he does come back, where does that leave you? In the very same situation again as he will fight you for what he wants. And yes, after him grinding you down you could very well give in. It is human nature to not be able to fight mode constantly.

At least now you have the distance to work through things, in your own time. Some days you will miss him and be tempted to tell him that, and some days you will very much hate him. It is a grieving process, you have had a loss.

When you have a bad day, read this thread back again. And post. We see things very different to you, as we do not have the emotions attached like you do.

Thanks @isthismylifenow I'm so sorry that you had to go through that - that sounds horrendous, but I KNOW that you done the right thing - why do people who treat us bad not just own it...

I'm ok, just really really sad - but this group has really helped and you are so right - when you speak to people who can observe without emotion, it really helps

@lurker1000 you’ve got this keep moving forward and trust that in time things will get easier and all this hurt will be a thing of the past. I’m really routing for you x

I don't think you should ever expect that he will own up to his errs, and don't be too shocked if you hear things from mutual people who have been told a whole load of exaggerations. The people who matter, know the truth.

It is early days, it is raw. It is really ok to be feeling sad.

Tomorrow may be anger. But it might also just be sad for a while.

You just take it as it comes day to day for now.

Thanks all - it is the up and down that is hard. I'm trying to be civil and only contact re kids - but the anger I get is off the scale. The anger seems to come when I am thinking independently, acting independently (i.e. not relying on him but sorting me and kids lives - which I have to do as we are now on our own!) I'm not engaging with that but its hard.

It's the absolute change from the person you once knew that cuts the most. Fifteen years and now I don't recognise who he is. Hanging in there but it's brutal.

You're doing so well OP! Keep going!

Can you use your 8 weeks off to make a few changes at home? Decorate your bedroom, move some furniture, just to try & make a few little changes to draw a line under things.

It might help with that feeling off him not being there, make it yours!

Please please believe what you are seeing now.

I know that it doesn't make any sense but read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It talks about the mindset of abusive men and that is what he is - abusive.
All of the trying to be on good terms is manipulation. I am in the same boat as you are with trying to fathom what the hell happened, but the truth is that they were always probably like this you just didn't register it until it got to a point you couldn't or wouldn't cave in on - like your inheritance for example.

All of the "come and see my flat" is his way of trying to "be civil" and "show you how great his life is". Be super duper careful with this behaviour. My ex has been the same way, he helpfully collected all my things into the kitchen for me to collect this week from OUR house which I had to leave because of his bullying, and I find that he's been having a woman back there regularly and covered that up - all the same he's being "civil" even though we both know he's not being civil whatsoever, he just has things he wants and he's trying to look like the reasonable one in the situation. He isn't. Neither is your ex.

These guys only ever think about number one. They learn ALL your weaknesses, if you're an emotionally driven person like most women are then they learn it, they tug on it and they hurt you and hope you'll give in. My ex used to do it to me, he used to be nice in between the abuse so that I would feel eternally grateful for the smallest morsel of kindness and hopeful that he would take me back into his good graces.

I hate to say it but you do have to be cold hearted towards them and you have to realise that when someone shows you who they are, you need to believe them. Abusers can be really nice, but there is always a motive behind it, we never want to believe that it's true, I certainly didn't. I still refuse to see it now and blame myself, but no... it's them.

You need to work on hardening your heart to him, but not to men in general. I basically am completely selfish towards my ex now, and I couldn't give a tinkers fig what he thinks.

Thanks @roses321 - this is really, really useful. Because it hits a nerve - he is being really, really civil. Wants us to family things together, wants to find 'peace' in his life after his addiction and makes out that I am unreasonable for not going along with everything he wants.

Which ends up with me questioning myself! My head is absolutely spinning - I know that limited contact is the best thing (wish my heart did....) - but I am three weeks down the road, I am absolutely heartbroken, but I am still standing and the world is still turning!

He is not over his addiction. There is no “after” yet. Tell him you won’t entertain these plans until he has been working some kind of program for three years and he has made amends. The first thing he can do is stop badgering you.

@pikkumyy77 agreed, badgering the people you have wronged is definitely not in the 12 steps.

Yeah it will do. It's actually a very interesting phenomenon and not unlike the same kind of effect that cults have on people.

Ultimately, he still has an addiction, you do not just kick an addiction just like that. He's being nice for potentially several reasons:

• Because he is soothing his own conscience
• Because he wants to slowly worm his way back into your life
• Because he's lining you up for a sob story and wants your inheritance
• Because he wants to hurt and confuse you.

Or it could be for all of the above. Either way, the best way with these people is STAY AWAY. Seriously keep as little contact as possible and if you can afford to have a solicitor stand between you and him then do it.

I've been out of my relationship for 6 months now but still had intermittent contact with my ex over our house. He has played exactly the same game and become really nasty then really "reasonable" then nasty.

The effect it has on you is pretty profound to be honest, you can spend hours and hours or days and days ruminating and trying to work out what is going on, posting on forums to try and get to some semblance of understanding, going back over it again, being angry, being upset, being confused, not sleeping, not eating, feeling like a terrible person, feeling like you caused it, thinking that maybe they're just a really good person with a terrible demon and you want to save them, wanting to stab them with a fork for being such an asshole.

Just overall the only way to describe it is just a rollercoaster of confused grief. I'm going through it right now and some days it's ok, some days it's not.

My advice is have as little contact as possible and go through formal channels only. It's really important for your mental health.

Thanks @roses321 - this is really appreciated. And very helpful. All the emotions.

To be fair, he has stopped badgering me and is cutting his contact back - minimal texts, being very civil - I'm missing him more and more but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days in lots of tears, other days not so many. I think there is a part of him that expects me to beg him back and admit it is all my fault (I now know that it is not! I'm not perfect of course, but I can see the bigger picture now) and the fact I am not doing that is probably hitting him now. I've got my big girl pants on and getting on with it for my kids.

To be honest, although I miss him, now he has gone I can see that things really weren't good - our relationship wasn't working, it was so damaged by the years of addiction, that this had to happen in some way. I would still want to repair it, but that feels like a long way down the road and a lot of work. If he was willing to do that, then there would be hope xxxx

Thought block. Identify the feeling in your body and the immediate antecedent when you “miss him”— like “ I pour myself tea and I feel sad that he is not here.” Then try taking several deep breaths, standing up straight, and saying out loud “”Here is the feeling of missing him. It comes and it goes. It comes when I pour the tea and it goes when I remember that it wasn’t a healthy relationship/he stole from me/he abused me. Etc…”

Thanks lovely - I need to do this. He's gone no contact this week and it's hard, but I guess necessary. I think he wants me to reach out (since he went four weeks ago, it has only been him making effort) and I think that he wants to see me also do the same.

But I can't shake the feeling that he chose to leave, he set up a flat, he blamed me for everything - so that's why it is not up to me to reach out. If I started chasing now, what would that say? That you can blow all our worlds apart, but I would still do the work to get you back?

It's been a long and heartbreaking four weeks, but one day and all that....x

He is s a master manipulator. And you are choosing not to be manipulated. Thats the only choice you have, really. You can’t be in a real relationship with someone like that. You are only renting his attention. When the money runs out, or the acts of service, he will always leave. You are mourning your illusions. Just keep distracting yourself. In reality the relationship is over. It doesn’t matter what he did, or does. He can’t sustain a real relationship.

So almost four months down the line and feeling like an idiot… I caved and let him back in - all the promises and being nice to kids and Christmas coming up. He don’t move back in but was here part of week… but I think I see now that it can never work - I feel like months of false hope. Feeling like an idiot…

it feels like even though he was trying really hard to make things work - everything was in his terms. So he was happy to stay here over Xmas etc but then went back to his flat - I did say that it didn’t suit me that he came for fun weekends and then walked out back to his own life on a Monday or Tuesday and I was left with all responsibilities.

he also hadn’t paid anything to me for six months - this is an issue - he clearly thinks he doesnt need to because he was buying dinners etc when here but when I point out that he should pay CM then he refuses (and goes back to his flat).

im just feeling used - and foolish. I should have known better and not let him back in. Of course his narrative is that he’s never fully returned and if I remember then he had to move out ‘as I was crazy’. Worse thing is is that my family have kinda distanced themselves - they couldn’t understand why I even entertained him. So just feeling lonely - and stupid xxxxx

Sending hugs - what are you going to do about it?

Bloody hell OP, his manipulation is off the scale. This is all about your inheritance and him wanting it. He's training you back into your role as his support human. He's horrible.

Good grief just get rid of this piece of shit once and for all. Get your cms claim sorted, seek legal advice.

He wants everything his own way and punishes you in whichever way he fancies when he doesn’t get it. You will only ever get along with this piece of crap if you how to his every whim thus making yourself miserable. You know this.

Just plough on with divorcing him and getting him out of your life - imagine how free and happy you will be in a years time? He is adding literally nothing to your life - is it a golden cock situation?

I laughed out loud and then had to look up golden cock @SecondChancesAtLife . That's just it and that's why I feel so foolish - I honestly thought maybe we needed the time apart etc, what a bloody fool.

But it's ALL on his terms - when he first left I felt stronger, but I guess I was sucked back in and I guess at that stage, I did like that he was - appearing to - be trying really hard (nights away etc)- but it's not right, I am literally doing everything. We are both really unwell (I got it from him last week). He has gone to his flat and I've been left here with the kids, work, and his dog! (He's picking the dog up tonight as I said I wasn't watching her anymore). I'm just feeling absolutely rock bottom tonight. Yeah, I am annoyed that he hasn't paid any money in six months (he has been generous with food, meals etc) but doesn't get when I say it is the bills that really matter - he has a perception that I can pay for it all. (but that's not the point - he SHOULD be paying for his kids???)

Why can’t you put a claim in for child maintenance @lurker1000 ?

I think you should stop beating yourself up about what a bloody fool you've been and start writing a plan of how to move forward. Lots of people here will help. x

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