Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Hairymaclaryfromdonaldsonsdairy
I have decided to do exactly what you are doing, as in saying yes to invitations from friends. It's taken me 4 years of going around in circles to come to the realisation that things will not change.
I don't live with my partner, he is good man & we do have fun together WHEN we get together. The problem is trying to get him to make solid plans that are outside his routine. It doesn't occur to him to pop in for a coffee etc if he's passing so potentially we could go 2 weeks without seeing each other! I have questioned him on this & he says if he wants to do something (a project)he doesn't think of anything/anyone else. This hurt & made me realise this is how it is forever if we stay together. At the moment it's ok as I'm busy with teenagers, but maybe not as we get older.
Sorry for writing so much. Good to get it down with people who get it.

This is exactly were I'm at. It is a struggle sometimes to remember that I am in a 'box' in his life. He has a friend and the 3 of us went out to an event yesterday. I mention that it was over a year since we 2 had been out socially. I felt like the gooseberry in the threesome He and his friend go out once a week for walks, pubs, meals, football and opera events. I tried to make conversation with them but realised that she is probably AS too. There is no reciprication, no small talk type questions of me. My goodness they lead boring lives.
I lead a single life. I go on holiday on my own or with friends or relatives. I live in a city with lots of active singles social events. I have lots of single friends.
This is not what I signed up for and the thing I find difficult is saying to people I meet that I'm married by we live separate lives.
Oh I say I have acceptance but I was cross when he gave her a birthday card this year but I did get one!!!!

I am feeling so depressed and confused. I'm pretty sure DH is on the autistic spectrum. We've been together for over 20 years and have two children. He has always appeared to be self centred (although this may stem from anxiety), he has always refused to do any housework or gardening, he did very little when the children were young. He was always prone to anxiety and depression and has had a few mental breakdowns.

He has now retired early (early 50s) as he can no longer cope with work. He spends all day at home doing his "special interest" hobby. As long as I leave him to do what he wants he is fine, reasonably pleasant to me. As soon as I ask him for help or support in any way, even if it's something like making a phonecall to the plumber as our heating is not working and I'm rushing out the door to work, he gets angry.

I have learnt not to ask him for anything. He doesn't like spending money, so we live in a cold, unfinished house. Any time I tried to get redecorating done he got angry and stressed so I don't do anything now.

Holidays are a nightmare - he gets very anxious outside his comfort zone.

I feel like I am a shell of my former self. There is no emotional support, or working together towards shared goals. No affection or attention. I sometimes go into his room and ask him about his special interest as a way of connecting with him, and he can talk happily for ages, and seems pleased to see me.

I know he's a good person at heart, just someone who struggles with life and hasn't got much to give. I look at him sometimes and feel a lot of love for him - he often looks sweet and a bit bewildered. But he can turn very quickly when things aren't going well.

Since he has retired, I have felt so stressed with him around all day - I feel my body is on hyper alert, and I feel very anxious as there is no break from him. I can feel his presence, and even just being ignored by him is stressful somehow. The loneliness and sadness of living this life is something I could never have imagined.

But the alternative of splitting up the family, and struggling financially is not an easy option either.

I don't know if he really loves me - he says he does, but he has sometimes said that he thinks we want different things in life and he doesn't know if he can make me happy. I know he really loves the children and wants us to stay together as a family unit.

I've been agonising for months over whether to stay or go. Has anyone left a similar marriage and it turned out ok?

blimey @Shedoesasshepleases you are a saint for tolerating that!

@Gooseberryfizz ((hugs))

I can relate to all of it.
From refusing to things he doesn’t want to feeling stressed when he is around (dh is wfh and I’m at home all day…)

Just checking back in, my daughter has been diagnosed with ASD and the more I learn about it, the more I'm convinced DH is too (although undiagnosed).

My DC are in their 20s now but still live at home and I'm navigating this stage on my own. No support from DH at all. He provides for the family financially and that is it. No attention, no affection, no thought of how I might be coping with the load.

I don't know if what keeps a lot of people in these marriages is because we know that our spouse/partner generally does not mean to hurt us with their behaviours. I can't speak for others but I am pretty sure that my DH does not mean to be angry or controlling or neglectful. He just is. And for some reason I feel really sorry for him as I know he is struggling.

But for the first time in over 20 years I am beginning to think I cannot do this any more - I am constantly feeling tearful and depressed and my body feels stressed and exhausted. I'm worried it's going to affect my health at some point. I think it's the years of not being acknowledged as a person in my own right with feelings and needs, rather than just an accessory in his life, that has started to take its toll.

Joy69

Hairymaclaryfromdonaldsonsdairy

Also saying yes to any invites

Gooseberryfizz sending hugs

@Gooseberryfizz My dh would be knocked sideways if someone suggested he was not a good husband or father. In his mind he provides financially for his family therefore he is a good husband and father.
It's who he is and who he has always been. I have been the everything else my kids have needed in their lives.
I too have only recently started to realise that I don't think I can do this 'till death do up part'.
I have already decided that I will stay until the kids are finished with their education, but I don't know after that.

Over the weekend I had one of those epiphanies that you really wish you hadn't. 🥺
Sorry to lower the tone but since I don't have anyone in RL to talk to, you're it😉
I realise that dh has always equated sex-love as emotional-love.
He always had the higher sex drive, always wanted it, never satisfied, really touchy in a sexual way not an affectionate way though. Never wanted to cuddle afterwards. Never just kissed or hugged me, always came with a grope. Anytime i gave him a hug or kiss, or cuddled up on the sofa he always made it sexual.
Over the years I would ' ask' for 'just a hug' or 'just a kiss' without the groping. He would always 'forget' and do it anyway 😔
Now we don't have sex anymore, we don't hug or kiss. We actually don't really communicate at all.
I have been trying to work out when or where our marriage started unraveling but realised it was never held together very securely in the first place.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy YY about equating sex=love and the groping, no hugs etc….

I have been trying to work out when or where our marriage started unraveling but realised it was never held together very securely in the first place.
Here too 😢

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy YY my DH provides for us financially but that is it. No emotional support.

I know what you mean about having no one to talk to in RL, my DH had man flu today, I've been like a caged animal, keeping a lid on everything, tip toeing around the house etc. I went to aqua fit tonight and let out all my emotions! Whoops, may have got a bit wild singing and splashing along like a mad thing.

So happy to find this thread as these posts describe my life as well! I am slowly working through what it will take to separate our lives. It is killing me what this is doing to my kids- one in college and one 2nd year high school and how best to support my spouse through this life transition as well without giving him an indication that we are getting back together. Even tiny indications of friendship toward him gives him the impression that we will stay together even though we live in separate homes. On top of this, my youngest has decided mom is ruining everything and has decided to live with her dad. When I try to explain to him that I still care deeply for him, but cannot continue in an empty marriage with him, it just starts the cycle again. I know this is a bit of a jumble, but finding this site today has made me feel less alone in all this. Thank you for your loving support.💔

I have been a lurker on this thread but your post has really reminded me why I should have confronted my own loneliness many years ago ! My children have now left home and am massively struggling 😢

It is so hard isn't it. I have struggled with the fact that I will be the one who ultimately breaks up my family.
At what age will the children be ready to accept a split, if ever?
What will happen to dh if I leave?
When do I start putting my happiness first?
Am I just being selfish?
Can I stay and just accept that this is it?
Will my kids resent me?
These and a million other questions go through my mind daily, it's exhausting.
Dh works away, between 2-4 weeks at a time. I remember a time when I looked forward to him coming home, the kids were always excited too. Now, I prefer him gone and the kids don't notice half the time that he has left.
It's all so very sad😔
I'm sad for the kids who have accepted their father is just not that interested in them.
I'm sad for dh that he is missing out on our 2 wonderful children's lives.
I'm sad for myself that my dream of a loving happy family is just that, a dream 😔

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy
Your post and questions are things I struggled with for a decade. I just could not extricate myself when the kids were little because I knew how difficult it would be for DH and for them. I also knew Dh would not just accept the split. Added my thoughts to your questions- I hope they are not too blunt. This group has been a God send to me! Sending hugs to you. Happy to PM as well.

At what age will the children be ready to accept a split, if ever? All kids want to see the happily every after, but they WILL, in time know you did the best you could. If I could do one thing different, it is leave when they were younger. I just did not have the strength and did not want to deprive them of their dad- who is a caring and loving dad.
What will happen to dh if I leave? He will be ok. This has been a very drawn out process in my situation, first having the separation talk, and then having it again and again. Separating rooms. Insisting we separate finances. Teaching him how to pay bills. Having him take responsibility for cooking family meals. Stopping doing the chores of the home. Essentially readying him for when I would not be there. And then, I moved out. I honestly thought him starting to do these things on his own would help, but its not the things- its the emotional connection that I know will never be.😥

When do I start putting my happiness first? NOW, you only die once, you live every day.

Am I just being selfish? No. I realized this only after having a breakdown and spiral into a full depression after a lifetime of never having any mental health issues. I literally was depleted.

Can I stay and just accept that this is it? If you can make peace with this. Only you know the answer in your heart. I truly and honestly tried, but after my full breakdown I knew I would not be able to just continue on as is. And DH deserves someone whose heart is fully in it.

Will my kids resent me? Initially maybe, but you have likely built the foundation of love and modeled strength to them over the years. They will see the strong person you are.

@nl55 Thank you so much for taking the time and answering some of my questions. Honestly I probably know the answers though.
Sad to hear you felt so bad for so long, yet I can completely understand why it took so long to change things.
I hear myself trying to safeguard dh's future, keeping the status quo for the sake of the kids. I know I'm entitled to be happy too, I just can't quite put myself at the front of the queue yet.
I'm mentally exhausted, thinking ALL the time, trying to envision different outcomes. All scenarios have me doing all the changing and/or accepting though.
Dh is quite happy, and that is great for him. The kids are good. It's me. I just don't know how to be happy without throwing a grenade into our lives🥴

Sending you hugs. This is such a difficult spot to be in.

Hi everyone. Really struggling at the moment and don't have much positivity to offer as I'm feeling very low and really lonely. After 10 years with DP I've realised just how isolated I've become and have noone IRL I can lean on or talk to. But I wanted to say I'm thinking of you all and hoping there's some peaceful weekends and me-time being had amongst us. Much love x

No wise words @Hairymaclaryfromdonaldsonsdairy but 💐and hope you can get a clear idea of any choices you could make 🤞🏻

@Hairymaclaryfromdonaldsonsdairy I can relate to the loneliness, sorry you're feeling so low.
Having no-one in your life to support and understand you is hard. When you are in a relationship that just involves a physical presence but no emotional connection or support is so hard and lonely.
Lots of sympathy and hugs though💐

I burst into tears seeing daughter at Remembrance Sunday this morning, nothing from husband. He is so cold and I'm not really sure I like him anymore

Is it ok to join this thread if your DH has ADHD, not ASD?
If not, can anyone point me in the right direction of a suitable thread?

Yes lots of crossover, mine has both, welcome x

Hi Everyone, hope you are all doing ok this evening.

Just wanted to check in as it has been a month since I separated from ex DP.
All the things you talk about I can relate to so well.
No emotional support
No meeting of my needs.
Sex that felt so disconnected I could no longer bring myself to do it.
Lack of conversation
Felt like I was his carer/mother.

One month on and the fog is lifting, and I can see how bad and how much I had put up with over the years.
I fully accept my faults and failings in the relationship too and things I need to change. I thought I could save/change him and I allowed or enabled him to treat me this way.

However we were always fighting a loosing battle.
When one person has no self awareness, theory of mind or ability to see things from the other person's point of view as was our case then the only option is for the person that does to bend, adjust, accommodate, expect less until there is nothing left and all that is felt is resentment and unhappiness.

One month on and he is not living in the family home. He still has expectations of me supporting and doing things for him but I have been slowly withdrawing from that and encouraging him to get support from his family/ professionals. I feel for him because he is vulnerable, however he is also an adult and not my responsibility.

Me and the DC are doing really well. They have regular contact and things are amicable with him visiting them at the house sometimes.
Both children are diagnosed ASD too and I worried how they would cope with the separation. Thankfully both have adjusted really well. Crying stopped about a week after he left. Don't speak about missing him. My eldest said we both seem happier and it feels like a new normal. They have asked for changes in the house now that he is gone as he wouldn't of allowed/been happy with it.
We spend more time together, I am more relaxed and happier. Friends/family/colleagues have noticed the big difference in me.

What really brought it home to me this week, was that there is potentially a really difficult financial situation coming. I sat there and thought, even if he was still here I would still be facing this alone as he was never able to offer emotional or practical support. A partnership shouldn't feel that way.

Although I have no interest in another relationship, I feel happy and more positive about the future.