Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Such brilliant news classicslove hope the new year gives you a new start after this year!

What wonderful news ClassicsLove! So happy for you 🙌

oh @classicslove that is amazing news! I’m do pleased for you. What a lot to go through in already difficulty circumstances. Sending lots of love x

@classicslove 🎉🎉🎉🎉
Thats an amazing News!! Really really pleased for you.

Wonderful news @classicslove ! So pleased for you! 🥂

I’ve lurked on these threads for years. I’m convinced DH has autism, though he would never entertain the possibility himself. For me I’ve realised that it boils down to this: if he isn’t autistic, he doesn’t respect or care for me me at all, and I don’t think he doesn’t respect or care for me (in his head). He has 3 kids from a previous relationship who live with us half the time, and I’m quite sure his eldest (DSD19) is on the spectrum too, and probably DSD13 too. I’m quite sure that DSS15, and our shared DD9, are not. Over the years I’ve suggested several times to DH that he look into it for his girls, to try to help them navigate life. Not interested.

I’m recovering from a burnout, which as far as DH is concerned was entirely caused by my job and by the difficult situation I was in during the last 2 years of my Dad’s life (both of which did indeed play a role). After 6 months off, I’m hoping to return to work next month, to a different role (one I’ve done before) which doesn’t require crazy hours (though the crazy hours were escapism of a sort, I think). Work have been great. However, I’m all-too-aware that there’s another side to all this, and that living with DH will continue to exhaust and drain me. On the practical side I’m trying to get DH to see that our set-up at home (ie who does what, as opposed to the very fact of living together) was a factor in my burnout and that it needs to change to reflect the fact that the DSC are old enough to do a lot more than they do, which is part of helping them become responsible adults. He doesn’t/can’t/refuses to see it, though - it’s the phenomenon lots of posters have mentioned here, “I’m not personally bothered by it so it doesn’t exist”.

As I said, I’ve been a longtime lurker here and your posts have made me feel less alone. I’ve decided to come out of the woodwork because I know that bottling all this up isn’t good for my mental health, but I don’t really want to talk about it in RL for now.

@supersparrow Welcome. I too recently found this community and it has been a god-send to say the least. Helping me feel less alone and also the encouragement here has been wonderful. Good luck with your burnout recovery- have been there myself recently. Sending hugs.

I have been directed to this thread after someone mentioned it on a thread I started a few weeks ago.

I had a lot of support on said thread and am so grateful for that, and for this one. I've just read all of it and so much stood out to me including the never talking about the past or future unless it was dragged out of DP, never complimenting, never initiating affection (although DP will be affectionate if I prompt it and doesn't find it as awkward as some describe here, perhaps down to being female? I don't know).

We didn't live together (we were long distance and she promised she'd move to me then suddenly changed her mind) and the whole situation was very upsetting. I am now in 'recovery' I suppose but I've totally lost myself. I am angry with her but I shouldn't be, she cannot help it after all. I didn't learn of her ASD until quite far on into the 4 year relationship, I also suspect she has some other learning difficulties of some sort although she presents perfectly in social situations and nobody seems to acknowledge that-understandable as again, until recently I didn't know of it. She drives, has a decent job etc.-but just has no idea how to navigate a romantic relationship and 'cant cope' with certain situations which had resulted in her treating me (what I perceive as) very badly.

Another thing I relate to is what a PP said about, if I ever talk about anything emotional she would just stare at me and not say anything. If I ever got frustrated or angry at something she'd done that really upset me, she'd never react, again just look at me-or occasionally would have a meltdown and leave the room/house/situation.

It has been so painful and lonely.

She's coming to get her things from my house on Friday.

I am devastated but I don't know why. Mourning a relationship but also feeling like I never really had one!

With the holidays in full swing, how is everyone doing? are you able to offload anything to spouses?

@TheBunnyLover i remember your thread and I’m sorry the answer was for you to go separate ways.

I am impressed by the way you stood to your own boundaries and decided what you could and couldn’t accept. I think you made tte right choice there, even if a heart breaking one.

Another thing I relate to is what a PP said about, if I ever talk about anything emotional she would just stare at me and not say anything. If I ever got frustrated or angry at something she'd done that really upset me, she'd never react, again just look at me

Yep.
And I find that extremely hard to deal with. Because if you can’t discuss what’s going on and ‘problem solve’ because it happens to be something emotional, how can you ever solve any issue? 😢😢

Offload? 😂😂

My parents are coming, both dcs will be back from Uni. I’d prefer it if things go smoothly. Much safer if I handle all that lol.

@nl55
If only!!! He did manage to buy his mums present this year, but only after frequent prompting. I have however still had to order my own.
Mind you this is a big step as he hasn't even bought his mum a birthday present in the 23 years we've been married 😳

DH has started decorating three rooms! Helpful!

Hello everyone

My DH was diagnosed ASD earlier this year after a repeated series of difficulties with burnout / depression / chronic illness. I believe these are all down to autism (I don't disbelieve the chronic pain btw I believe it relates to differences with pain processing in asd).

The diagnosis hit me like a ton of bricks, I have felt like I have been grieving for the difficulties past and releasing a lot of anguish caused by DH poor mental health not getting my own needs met and having to hold everything together.

DH is a very kind person and I like him so much but I am so incredibly tired. The more we share truthfully about our inner worlds the further apart / incompatible we seem. One of our kids seems sure for a diagnosis also and as he grows is more and more dysregulated, it's challenging. I just feel incredibly demoralised, don't know what to try next, don't even feel like trying at all. Considering whether anyone will effectively meet my full needs despite the very best intentions. Sorry for the long post.

You’re very welcome here @PictureFrameWindow

We are all grieving for the relationship we thought we were getting.

We are all burnt out and for me, wondering what to do next.

I sat at breakfast yesterday and DH just ignored me.

No talk, no chatter. Then had an argument over our holiday plans as he wants us up early every day and out and about but me and the DC want to rest and go at our own pace.

So yes. I understand 😞 there is a lot of grief that the start where you realise it was doomed from the start. But neither of you knew any better. So there can be no blame. It just is what it is.

Then looking forwards you wonder what to do to get your needs met. And this is another massive part of the puzzle. Wish I had some advice. Maybe others will comment.

Sorry, no advice really. Just all a bit shit to be honest.
Dh is away at work until after Christmas, and I'm glad, which says it all really 😒

lol!! We’re going away on holiday just after Xmas and I’m dreading it 😱😫😫
all of our holidays are an argument-fest with such tension.

Lucky you!! Hope you have a nice, peaceful Christmas. can I come over? Run away! 🤣🤣

Yeah Christmas is a huge trigger here too. Luckily we're staying put this year. I usually end up being responsible for all the jolliness which I find quite annoying. DH spends a lot of time in neutral or negative states, which I think is one of the hardest things to deal with.

I'm quite pleased it's just the kids and me this year.
I do EVERYTHING anyway, so just one less place at the table. I don't suppose dh will be missed really. He still hasn't asked what I bought the kids this year. He never joins in if we are watching Christmas movies when he is here. I'm always a little annoyed and disappointed with him. It makes me sad to realise that it's easier when he's not around, especially at this time of year. Kind of bittersweet time really.

Sorry to derail but need to vent! I’m done with the couples counselling! Just come out and yet again it seems the counselling is geared towards him. He didn’t turn up and forgot about the appointment, one of the things I have spoken about I. Great depth how his forgetting things impacts me. And what did she say? “Bless him”
no challenge or discussion or anything on it.
I spoke about him not taking responsibility about procrastination as he puts things off all the time and yet again he said he works all the long hours and doesn’t get time and swerved the fact that it’s all an excuse as he procrastinates! He said it goes out of his mind unless immediate.
I said about how he always flips an argument back onto me and he did it during the session and was anything said? No.
I’m so done. It’s exhausting that he can’t see what he is doing. All I hear is the same things over and over.

Oh I should say that I had to ring him to come to the appointment..

How is everyone doing with the run up to Christmas? For those who don't live with your partners, are you spending it together? Interested to know as I'm feeling like I'm at the bottom of the priority list. On the positive I've been invited to a few things by my lovely friends 🙂.
Hope everyone has a lovely Christmas

@Gooseberryfizz I don't know if my ex was autistic, but I can relate to the experiences of women who's partners are autistic. Mine wanted to game or be at his PC all the time. There were very rare occasions that I would ask him for help in a way that was unexpected (as in, something he had not planned to do himself as part of the house's usual chores).

One of them was taking a few photos of me to put on my website or similar. I couldn't do it myself because I didn't have a tri-pod. It must only have been 10 - 15mins at the very most, every 6 months or more, but this was just far too much. Every time I used to ask him for something like that, it was followed by much huffing, frowning, making me feel like I had asked his Royal Highness such massive favour. You'd think I had asked him for hours upon hours of assistance.

I got the same behaviour if I asked for the teeny tiniest thing, like me calling him asking him to look at a small written list I might have left on the kitchen table. You'd think I was interrupting him at the start of a global conference.

DW has COVID so I understand she's going a bit stir crazy isolating in our bedroom (bedsit sized) but I've been told to fuck off three times today when I've asked her keep isolating and wander round the house touching everything.