Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

@Guest2023 Good morning. I am genuinely happy (if you had told me that in RL I would hug you kind of happy😊 ) for you and your kids.
I understand it is not a walk in the park for you, but you made the break and you are starting to see the benefits.
It must be so emotionally freeing to not be carrying the extra baggage anymore.
I get regular breaks from dh when he is away at work and find I just cope better without having to factor in how or if dh will react to things. Being able to do this on a permanent basis must give you such peace of mind, knowing you can just live your life without the inevitable lack of support from a partner.
Well done you🌷🌼🪻🌸

Hello all, need some advice or just a listen. Mainly for those who have already left or are in the middle of leaving their partner with autism. I have tried, with as much compassion and patience to tell him we are done. Letters, texts, I moved out (and am still out) and still, he is unable to grasp that we are done. Actual legal proceedings have begun. My stbx has now started the smear campaign while also telling me he still loves me and wants to be with me. it is truly mind boggling. He is starting to call my friends and family members, playing victim, and alienating my DDs from me. These were some of the reasons I held in so long, because I was so fearful of all of the above happening. And now that it is, I am struggling to see the light and not just burst out crying most days (I do have a counselor too). anyone else been through this and how did you cope?

@nl55 Sorry, no words of advice I'm afraid. Sorry you are going through this though. I suppose you just have to keep your head up and go through the motions until you come out the other side. 💐

@nl55 how old are your dds?
My first reaction would be to have a chat with them and put the record straight.
You don’t have to tell them the whole reasons why you are done but you can remind them that it’s ok to leave a relationship if it’s not working for you. You can tell them that it’s not ok to ask one partner to be miserable and hurting so the other doesn’t hurt just right now. You can explain the both of you would only end up hurting each other even more and it’s not what you want.

And btw, autism or not, I wouldn’t say he loves you if he is happy to do a whole smear campaign against you, incl involving your dcs (together?). That, in itself, wouod be a massive red flag anyway….

@SpecialMangeTout Thank you for the response. my kids are 19 & 16, and yes I have explained to them their father and I can no longer relate to one another in a healthy way and I have decided to separate for my own healing and emotional health. I have come to realize it will just take time for them to grieve this and that I am much further along grieving the end than they are. I'm trying to stay positive in this stormy time, some days are just harder than others.

I have just found this thread and I it has been like reading words about my own marriage, written by others. My DH doesn't have a diagnosis, but working through the referral system for one of my DC has only reinforced my belief that my husband is autistic.

I would like to post more for support when I'm not rushing kids out of the door for school, but I have one question now. Those of you who say you have split up seem to mostly be saying it was you who moved out rather than your DH or both of you. That seems the opposite of most break ups and I wondered whether you think that's because of ASD?

@UpsideDownside Your observation in my case is correct, it is the opposite. I asked him to leave and he refused. He had told me in the past he would refuse to leave the house if I tried to leave him which is one of the reasons I stayed for as long as I did. In my case I do attribute it partly to ASD and his not being able to take responsibility as an adult. Even after multiple attempts to separate, reasonably trying to discuss, asking him to even stay with his family for a night, he continued to refuse to leave until I had to basically flee.

DH and I went out last night to dog training, the conversation has worn him out, He has only just woken up! Feeling so alone with my 3 DC, i have mental health issues of my own without this

@longpathtohappiness Sympathise, any time dh go 'out' the minute we get home he goes straight to the sofa and switches on his ipad. Never checks if the dog needs fed, or his kids.
Realised that he never reminisces about any part of our lives, or his life before us. He never talks of his childhood, being a teenager etc. If the kids are telling me something and I can relate then I'll share a story of me, he never does.
He never talks of the future either, what we could do after the kids leave home, when he retires, next summer.
He lives in his world, in his present.
I actually have no idea what he is thinking about anything. He never says "Oh, remember when......" or " Wouldn't it be nice if we......."
😪

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy dh does exactly the same. Even when his dad died he was like this.
I never realised until you said it. Funny isn’t it?

There has been a few threads recently where autism has been central to a relationship issue (not going to link - it seems triggering to some).
But 8n found some comments from autistic people really insightful.

One was mentioning black and white thinking and lack of flexibility and how it made it impossible to compromise. And that lack of compromise made it extremely hard in a relationship.

The other was describing how, as someone with autism, she could be bothered with people who had no emotional resilience. That she could cope so why couldn’t others? And therefore could not stand those who were ‘needy’/wanting support.

Both of those described DH very well.
His inability to compromise makes it hard to do anything together. Hen I was able, even going for a walk could be an issue if I couldn’t do what he had planned. So he relied on ‘white’ lies, telling me we were doing X when we were actually doing Y. Only realised much later what was going in because I trusted him.
And tte ‘why can’t people do what I manage to do?’ meant that when I first hit ill, DH jus5 refused to acknowledge it. He simply couldn’t and thought I was lazy. Took years fir him to accept it wasn’t the case. And now, he is simply unable to see what my needs are. I need to fight to have them protected all the time.

I wish I could leave.
Seriously, if any of you see that your health is declining, run away. Don’t wait. Being ill in those conditions isn’t fun.

Hi, I'm new to this thread but been lurking on and off for a while.

DH believes he is autistic and I'm inclined to agree. We've been together a long time, kids are teenagers.

I can really identify with people saying they feel lonely in their relationship. DH brings so much, he's super intelligent, interesting... shares some interests with me too... He can be really fun, he pulls his weight, he's stable and reliable, he's loyal, he's fair...

My problem is, I always feel there is some emotional connection missing. It is hard to explain, but it's something I've had in previous relationships. It is horrible trying to talk to him about it as he then feels terrible about himself.

• He never flirts with me.
• He doesn't know how to say nice things to me, compliment me, be romantic.
• If I am upset and talk about my feelings he often just seems to sit and stare at me, he is so well-meaning but doesn't know how to respond.

He is really willing to try and to make things work, but basically being verbally/physically affectionate and reassuring don't come naturally to him. So he says he needs specific instructions - if I tell him what I need then he will do them. But I resent having to do this.

I don't always know what I want or need either. Apart from thinking "I need someone who is really good at making me feel special/safe/loved."

His compliments generally sound like he is reading them off a piece of paper at gunpoint. He also gives really awkward hugs. When he tries to do them I know it is a good thing that he is trying, but instead of feeling closer I feel like I want to push him away because it's so infuriating.

It feels like if I express my emotional needs they still won't be met, so I bottle it up. I'm good at expressing Being Annoyed, but not the sadness or hurt underneath it.

@TeaspoonPocket goodness you have just described my marriage. My DH is great in every way that you could lost on a piece of paper. But I am desperately lonely because I know that there is nobody there for me at the end of the day. There is no concept of me being able to totally relax and know that someone has my back and will make me feel safe. Like you, I have had that in previous relationships and I desperately miss it.

We have been together a long time. Friends have asked whether he ever made me feel safe and loved and calm, and my honest answer is that I don't think so. I think it didn't matter in the beginning because I could manage without it, but now that I have spent years and years caring for kids and for our home and for DH, and not feeling cared for myself, I suddenly can't do it any more. We're on the end he of separation because of it. I have no idea whether being alone will be less lonely; but I can't help wondering whether being separate will at least give me a chance to care for myself without 24/7 demands from other people needing my care.

It is very difficult to know what to do

@TeaspoonPocket your comment about reading compliments at gun point made me snort, this is exactly my experience. Also he once tried to compliment me and I brushed it off (as we are taught to, in a self deprecating way) and since then he felt I didn't take it well so has never dared to do it again! I have no idea if I look nice to him or anything, so much so that I gave up trying to guess and have now done things with my appearance I know he doesn't like (short hair, androgynous clothes) as I think well I get no appreciation either way, I can do what I want!

@TeaspoonPocket welcome on this thread. And im sorry You feel at home too.

YY about the emotional connexion missing.
Even though I think we are way past that here anyway 😢😢

I shall post more in due course but I have just been told "I can't believe you wanted sympathy when you broke your leg!".

It was a spiral fracture of the tibia and fibula with associated tissue damage including MCL and miniscus. And, badly sprained ankle. It was boxing day, and DW went to bed until the boys went back to school.

It was an AS shutdown on her part, but FFS, I was in cast above my knee.

@Daftasabroom 🫂🫂

UpsideDownside. You have put into words what I have been thinking. My partner is a lovely person & very kind, but I don't feel that he has my back. If I had a medical emergency he just couldn't support me. He would be ok a few days later, when he had processed it, but generally it is all about him & how he finds life difficult.
I am nearly at the stage when my kids are adults & I have a bit more freedom. I would love it if he could spend time exploring different places with me, but I know this won't happen, I think Ohdostopwafflinggeremy mentioned this too, inparticular about future planning.
It makes me sad that our relationship is such hard work due to his autism. At some point I need to decide when enough is enough. Hard when you still both care about each other 🙄

Can I ask about when you express an emotion and how your other halves react? My dh seems to not like me “being emotional “
i have what I believe is pretty normal reactions to things but he says “ you are so angry” or whatever when I express I am frustrated or something like it’s a bad thing to be annoyed about something. Or if he isn’t annoyed about something then he can’t understand why I would be..

DW doesn't really "get" my emotions on a day to day basis, I think it's the subtleties of not being able to read expression very well. Even when I'm doing my very best e.g. I'm very upset by that - she is pretty dismissive. It tends to end up with me going on a proper rant or rave only to be accused of bottling things up!

Mine doesn’t either but I dint think it’s just about inability to read facial expression. He doesn’t get it even when I spell it out to him - how I feel, what makes me feel like this and why.
I think that’s more to do with the fact he doesn’t get why I am struggling when he thinks he wouldn’t.

If I had a medical emergency he just couldn't support me.

@Joy69 , because of my illness/disability, I actually need DH support. And I don’t get it. Not emotionally but not even physically. The help I get from him is only because he was given no choice and he is very resentful of it (I basically stopped doing the stuff I can’t physically do like HW instead if pushing myself and making myself more and more ill).
Its very hard to live with.

Hi everyone, just wanted to share the best news ever with you. Following my operation, they have just told me that all tests were 100% clear of cancer!!!
Thank you for all your support xxx

Great news, so pleased for you. ❤️

@classicslove What wonderful news. You must be so happy. As the song says "The Only Way Is Up" 🦋

Marking my place