Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

It doesn't sound like a pity party classicslove just sounds like you have been looking after everyone for a long time and now you need a bit of looking after! Glad to hear your treatment is going in the right direction

I don't think I've written in this thread before - I've just been lurking and reading.

I feel very alone in my marriage struggles and mostly out of loyalty I don't feel free to discuss my marriage with other people.

At the moment I feel like I'm married to two people - one is kind, affectionate and loyal and the other cold, distant and lashing out. We go on cycles when things seem good and then things shift when I assume he feels overwhelmed or attacked and he turns on me. Much of what he says is just made up in his own head but he seems to think it's factual and it never seems to occur to him to ask what I'm thinking of feeling.

He seems to have so little insight into himself - including what he's feeling in the moment.

I'm so warm out emotionally and unsure how to move forward in a more positive direction. No idea how to break the cycle of behaviour.

DH has zero empathy, likes to stay in, talk about work or sleep - My DC are talking about leaving home soon which is only natural - i burst into tears a) normal reaction to them leaving home b) wondering how on earth I'm going to cope with the years ahead with DH... My DC keep me going, they provide me with company. I know i shouldn't rely on them to do this but DH doesn't want to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone

So glad your getting positive 'medical' news @classicslove ,sad it's not being carried through emotionally though.
@longpathtohappiness I could have written your post. I want my dc's to go off and live their lives, but I'm also dreading it. It's so sad to be in a lonely marriage.

@StillNotOverIt820

Hello and welcome. I’m sorry you went through such a traumatic and unhappy time with your ASD ex, but I think you unwillingly have been spared many more unhappy times. You’re free now to live the life you hope for.
Theres no doubt these relationships leave scars, I hope yours heal well

Some enlightening articles here:
http://www.aspergerpartner.com/category/english

Hello, hope everyone is doing ok. Been quiet on here myself for a couple of weeks, bit of a tough time. I'm wondering if I've missed a new thread as things are quiet here? I don't always post but I do read and find it so reassuring to know I'm not alone. I will make more of an effort to offer that support to others myself too, I know we are all in need of it. Love to everyone 💕

Hi Hairy. I'm checking in to this new thread regularly too. I agree it's very quite, which could be good or bad really🤔
I would love to think that we are all doing well with nothing to complain about😬
Although I have a sneaky suspicion that may be way off the mark😞
I am just putting one foot in front of the other at the moment. I'm trying not to "think" too much because when I do I get quite teary and stressed. Totally 100% ostrich mode. Only sustainable for so long, I know, but it's all I can muster at the moment.
Hope you are all doing OK 💐

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy thank you for replying, it really does make all the difference to know you're not alone. I totally get the trying not to think too much. I go through much the same process. Been having a particularly tough time recently, and just been away on holiday too which was a really mixed bag. I'd hoped it would give us an opportunity to connect and talk in a more relaxed environment but that just hasn't happened. I've ended up feeling more lonely than I did before, if that was possible!

The disconnection and lack of affection, attention, consideration etc is just so difficult to cope with. Anything I say to try to improve things he takes as a massive criticism and flies off the handle. Which results in a big argument usually, often via whatsapp because he hates talking. I do everything I can to get through to him, we have a minor breakthrough, he makes an effort for 2 or 3 days then quickly goes back to how he was before - distant, uncommunicative and self absorbed. It's an exhausting cycle.

He says he just wants me to be happy. With his agreement I wrote him a list of small things he could do that would help us to be closer like giving me a hug when he comes home, acknowledging me when I come home, giving me a kiss without being asked etc. He said he would read it carefully and then talk to me about it. Nothing, weeks later. I know he's totally forgotten it. It's so depressing.

Did not know such a thread was here. For anyone wondering about therapy. My dh and I have therapy with an autism trained couples therapist, we tried therapy with a traditional one but the format about “feelings” was totally foreign and made it difficult. Highly recommend finding someone trained in autism. These days it’s quite simple as it’s all done remotely.

Welcome @Timeisallwehave you sound really positive which is great to hear. What difference is counselling making for you?

I had a bit of a light bulb moment a few weeks ago.

When I got married, I assumed this would be partnership. Decisions would be ones WE took together. It would be about pulling together in the same direction. Building something. Sharing. Supporting each other.

And that was a dream.

DH is incapable of ‘doing’ partnership. I mean he got twitchy and uneasy around deciding what size pizza we would be buying. It was on MY birthday… He just couldn’t get his head around the fact I was seen things in a different way than him. (And that, with it being my birthday etc…, this was the day to say ‘ofc no problem’).

What works is leaving him do his things, his way.
It’s living our life together but separately. Each with our life of our own with minimum overlap.

That’s not what I signed for. But that’s works for him. That’s the best he can offer.

@Hairymaclaryfromdonaldsonsdairy i think mostly it helps reduce the cycle of poor communication. It gives you someone who can see both sides and try to bridge the gap, while showing you both what is needed to eventually do this yourselves.

Since I’ve really seen a drive and commitment from both of us to try and take two very different ways of thinking and consider the others views.

Yes I feel similar. You really have to reframe it or you would go mad. So it is no longer the partnership you expect, or the traditional partnership.

I have been doing my own thing for a few years now and I think my partner was locked in to "having to be a certain way" but I think he is seeing he can do his own things as well now.

He has been going away for weekends alone to pursue his hobby, I say "go, enjoy!" and I mean it. He comes back feeling better from being immersed and not feeling guilty about super focussing, and we get a break at home to do our own thing however we like. Then I will go away for my peace as well. It means less time together but better time together. We are a good unit in many ways, we just need to find a way to make it work long term.

My daughter has Asd and adhd and we live together as she is a young adult. Can I join you or is it just partners?

Most of us have DC with a variety of ND, a few of us are in ND:ND partnerships.

I agree with you @SpecialMangeTout,
It’s living our life together but separately
and
That’s the best he can offer

@Timeisallwehave
When the therapist isn't there do you find you have to do the extra work communicating? Or does your partner meet you halfway?

I have also accepted that I much prefer life without dh in it. When he is away at work I'm so much calmer, the kids and I just tick along.
When he is home almost everything he does annoys me now. All I do is count the days until he is off again. I know this train of thought can't go on forever and something will have to give at some point. Sticking my head back in the sand for now though😔

@LoveFoolMe it varies, both prompt each other at times. I think it has definitely helped make him less critical and defence as well as allow me to rephrase my words in a way that focus on how I feel and my needs rather than pointing out fault in him.

Defensive* sorry!

Nothing to do with this thread but I found that trick very helpful.

If you click on the 3 dots at the top right if your post, you’ll have the option to edit your posts for a few minutes @Timeisallwehave

I might be using that feature very regularly. 🫣🫣

@SpecialMangeTout thank you so much for this comment - it has really helped me. I am coming to accept that trying to get him to engage in my idea of a partnership (sharing, making decisions together, taking joint responsibility, supporting eachother etc) is futile. It actually causes more friction as he sees everything I say in that regard as a criticism and simply shuts down. Leaving me feeling hurt and unheard as usual.

I've started to reconnect with old friends and am saying yes when they ask me to do things/make plans so I have stuff to look forward to. I'm taking advice on my financial situation too as he doesn't share/engage on that front either. I have this fear that I'll be penniless in retirement while he is comfortable because we operate totally independently(he earns a lot and has a good pension, investments, properties etc and I don't, I'm still recovering financially after a difficult divorce. Incidentally I thought exh was a narcissist but now believe he may be asd🤦‍♀️)

I'm working hard to accept that DP and I will live separate lives. Adjacent, but separate. I am finding it easier to cope, and can see sparks of my old positive self returning.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. Sending everyone love and hugs and hopes for a quiet weekend xxx