Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Thank you @Dialledin .
Im not sure about the strength. Rather I think I took the long hard way to grieve for what I thought it could be and be in a place where I feel I can leave. (Aka I’m not panicking and feeling stressed out at the thought of it)

I somehow think that if I had ripped the plaster years ago, it might have felt more painful/harder right at the start but actually quicker and easier in the long run!

@SpecialMangeTout you could only do what you felt was the right thing for you and your family with the information you had at the time. I’m sure had you known you’d be in this position now you’d have got out earlier. It’s so difficult to know how these things will pan out, especially when we’re hopeful things might change.

@SpecialMangeTout its hard to give up hope, especially when we have invested time and energy, love. We hope for a reversal in fortunes. That’s so normal. It’s what I’m doing now.

I identify with all your writing. I’m a bit further behind you. Kids both at secondary now and as posters have suggested, I have withdrawn massively from DH and don’t really on him for validation or love most of the time but I think I’m vulnerable right now having lost DM and I guess it’s in those moments you hope you’ll find the thing that you need. But it’s never there.

I hope you’re ok. It sounds like you’ve made your peace with things and a quiet exit would hopefully be stress free for both of you. You can only cope with so much at a time I’ve found. I’m so sorry he’s never been able to give you what you need. I hope you might feel less lonely, alone! When DH is away for the weekend this wonderful sense of peace comes over me and I feel happy and calm. Maybe that’s what it’s like long term afterwards? A sense of relief to be at peace and finally back to who you always were.

When DH is away for the weekend this wonderful sense of peace comes over me and I feel happy and calm. Maybe that’s what it’s like long term afterwards? A sense of relief to be at peace and finally back to who you always were.

Same here.
And it’s true about the dcs too. The way we interact with each other is completely different when he isn’t there :(
With both dcs away now, I’m making sure I’m going to see them on my own. I’m afraid dh will have to take the effort if he wants to see them. Atm he is relying on them ‘coming back home’ during the hols. It won’t last. They’ll both have their independent lives very soon.

Dh has been gone for a 3 week stint. It's wonderful, isn't it, the calmness, the peace and quiet, the stress-free days.
The atmosphere in the house is completely different depending on him being home or away. There is a natural flow between me and the kids compared to the almost palpable tension that's always around with dh's presence. Of course dh is totally unaware of it. Which makes me feel sad for him and angry at him at the same time.

I know exactly what you mean about the lack of tension when DH isn't home.

I have a lot going on all the time. When he isn't here I can juggle it all with good humour and the kids respond to that. When he's here, he tries to step up and do some of the things (to be helpful!) which just generates tension because he is stressed about doing those tasks and the kids pick up on that.

I find myself in a place where I'm thinking "thanks for wanting to help, but could you just not be here instead, because then I wouldn't need any help!". Which feels too rude to say

Another thought about separation vs continuing to make the marriage works.

Because my health deteriorated so much about 2 years ago, I made the decision to step way back from anything bar the most basic things that were essential to me. In some ways, I didn’t have a choice in the matter but what it brought up is the fact i had been living in survival mode for years and years. Partly because I was unwell in the first place but partly because I had been shouldering everything in the house, keeping all the plates going whilst, AT THE SAME TIME, trying to do it in a way that kept DH happy.

I think that when you are in survival mode, it’s extremely hard to see the wood from the trees. To see what is worth fighting for and what is basically a desperate cause. What is approaching things in a different way vs what is doing things the same way again (whilst expecting different results - the very definition of insanity). What should be accepted vs what is unacceptable.

What jumps out to me in a lot of the last posts is how most of us are in survival mode. Trying to deal with one crisis after another with no breathing space. No time to recoup and look at things in a neutral/practical way. Just firefighting.

@UpsideDownside OMG yes, re: attempts to ‘help’ that end up massively stressing him out, causing 1000 times more angst and work.

DH gallantly announced he would sort a costume for a school event for DC. I was a bit alarmed, because he has form for going into full-on frustrated artist mode with kids’ costumes, creating big weird complicated Tim Burton style things that DC is too embarrassed to wear. Which then makes DH cross and moany.

Fortunately, given the above, he forgot all about it until 2 days before the costume was needed, when at my gentle prompting he went into an anxious frenzy about the costume being precisely right: DC wanted a sword but technically shouldn’t a pirate have a cutlass? Hours of research ensued. Should he have a bandana or a pirate hat? Or both? Eye patch or no eye patch? Running each option past DC, who DH knows gets anxious about costumes and special days to begin with and can’t handle being asked direct questions.

Gentle suggestions that he might back off a tiny bit were taken as criticism. Then, because the right costume was not available for next day delivery, he chose one that it turns out will take at least 6 weeks to ship from China.

Somehow this is the school’s fault, the internet’s fault, China’s fault, etc etc. No possibility of just letting it go as ‘one of those things’, he has to shake his fist in impotent fury at the gods of commerce.

So I went to order a random pirate costume from Amazon to arrive the next day. Easy. Would have been easier without DH hovering over my shoulder saying ‘but that costume says 8-10. DC is 7.’

Yes, but he is the size of an 8 year old. I know because I buy all his clothes.

‘But he’s not the size of a 10-year-old. 8-10 will be too big.’

Even if it is, better too big than too small, right? With a child who has huge sensory stuff around clothes being too tight?

‘Yes but it’s 8-10. DC is 7.’

IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER

The ability of this man to sweat the small stuff to fucking death. Honestly. 🤯

What jumps out to me in a lot of the last posts is how most of us are in survival mode. Trying to deal with one crisis after another with no breathing space. No time to recoup and look at things in a neutral/practical way. Just firefighting

This is me. I’m genuinely worried about my mental health and cognitive function. I’m not coping and making so many mistakes all the time. I went to a job interview today and when I got there, I’D APPLIED FOR THE WRONG BLOODY JOB. They had advertised two jobs and I must have accidentally hit the button to apply for the other one as that is the one they were interviewing for. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

They said they had been a bit bemused as they thought from my application that I was a better fit for the other job. They were very nice and are going to call me to let me know if HR will allow me to be a late applicant for the other job ( probably won’t) But I mean, how stupid is that?!

That’s about the fourth mistake I’ve made so far this week and it’s only Tuesday.

I think it’s stress, far too much to carry plus WFH and the isolation of that. I feel like I never leave the workroom and hardly interact with other adults. Every day is like the day before. My head permanently feels like it’s in a vice. It’s a real physical feeling.

I need to make real changes but not sure how. I know what I need, far more contact with other humans and more variety and stimulation in my life. I’m just not sure how to achieve that.

@Bunnyhair
Somehow this is the school’s fault, the internet’s fault, China’s fault, etc etc. No possibility of just letting it go as ‘one of those things’, he has to shake his fist in impotent fury at the gods of commerce

Not his fault, then? 😂😁

Sorry, but that actually made me laugh, and I needed a laugh!

@YesThis I have everything crossed that you get an interview for the job you actually want! I relate so much to the feeling of cognitive corrosion, trying to keep all the plates spinning and everyone from melting down all the time.

I think it’s so interesting that the things you mention you need in order to function and feel fulfilled - social contact, variety, stimulation - are exactly the things my DH organises his life to exclude.

The things that bring us happiness cause our partners active distress, and so the compromise - in terms of a shared life and shared activities - is inevitably to our happiness. Because one person’s pleasure shouldn’t cause another person pain.

But it means that any effort to get our own needs met involves leaving the house and going somewhere else and all the planning and organising and martialling energy we often just don’t have. Whereas, at least for my DH, his happiness is all solitary and internal - he can just retreat to his room and have everything there he could possibly want.

@YesThis 🤞🤞🤞
I hope this will work out well for you!

Dh happy place is outside.
On the Moors, at the farm, whatever other place as long as it’s in Nature and silent 😁😁

We used to share those happy moments and places. We were away camping most weekends between May-June to September-October. Out closer to home otherwise.

Until the dcs came along (and couldn’t follow) and then I got ill so can’t go on walks anymore.
That didn’t help either. Less opportunity for him to de stress.

@Bunnyhair you’re so right. To feel connection we must leave the house. We must ‘make plans’.

Id not really considered that this requires energy. As you say DH has everything he needs at home, or locally at the gym. He doesn’t need to expend anything extra to get his needs met.

I used to be able to call my DM for love and attention and to feel connected to someone. She was an uplifter. Such a lovely lovely mum.

It’s an extra burden on us, to find the energy instead of it just being there naturally.

When I lived with a flat mate in my 20s I often had people over. I loved chatting and cooking. I wonder if I was only my own again if I’d have people over again? I can’t imagine life and what it would look like alone. Energy levels aren’t what they were!

@YesThis good luck with the job. I do hope you get it. Fingers crossed!!! It’s just the sort of thing I’d do. Try not to beat yourself up (if you are). You’re trying your best and that’s all you can do. It’s wonderful you’re even trying. It can be wretched at times coping with all of this. Please do be gentle with yourself.

I look in the mirror some days and say “I love you BlueTick” and I say it quite a few times. I acknowledge just how hard it is and I want to remind myself that I love myself, for trying so hard, for keeping on keeping on. We are some of strongest women around out there.

@BlueTick I am so sorry about your mum. And I can see how the loss of such an important & nourishing relationship makes it all the more starkly obvious how much is missing at home.

But it means that any effort to get our own needs met involves leaving the house and going somewhere else and all the planning and organising and martialling energy we often just don’t have. Whereas, at least for my DH, his happiness is all solitary and internal - he can just retreat to his room and have everything there he could possibly want.

And of course he has you when he has nothing else to do! My DH is just the same. Obsessive hobbies which come first before anything else. So I'm just left alone until the odd times when he's looking for diversion and then of course I get resentful being picked up and dropped to satisfy his needs.

I do as much as I can independently but after so long I think I've got depressed to the extent that I don't have the energy to seek out new frontiers. I meet up with old friends and that's about it. A friend of mine said once "there's nothing wrong with my marriage, but there's nothing right with it either". And that's how I feel really. People love DH as he's easy going and helpful, but where other people have an emotional life there's a big blank hole. Of course usually that's the bit you think you'll have in a marriage but sadly over the years it dawns on you that it just isn't there and never will be.

@lucette1001 yes yes to the being picked up and dropped according to his needs (his chief interpersonal need at the moment being someone to rant to about current affairs. He followed me around the house reading Kier Starmer’s ten pledges out loud in their entirety the other day, while I folded his socks and pants and tried to go away deep in my mind to my happy place)

I’ve been reading these threads for a while and taking some comfort from them. DH isn’t diagnosed so I hope it’s ok to post. We have one ASD DC and one with suspected ADHD
and approximately half his family has a diagnosis.

Generally he’s lovely. There isn’t an aggressive bone in his body and he’s very kind, within his own framework. He’s totally passive, very childish and is generally just a passenger in our lives. He makes it clear when he’s not interested in what other people, especially the DC, are talking about and is pretty socially inept.

He is also in the process of being made redundant for the 6th time in 20 years and is planning to take a few months off living off my salary and redundancy to see if the company fortunes turn around, do a bit of ad hoc work and “upskill” He’s nearly 57.

We can survive on my salary, just. However we need to remortgage at the end of the year to a much higher rate so it will be touch and go. The mortgage is big, we are paying for one kid at university and the other is going next year. I earn double what he did, pretty much always have.

I am just so sick of this happening time and time again and me being made to carry the can. He has been made redundant in the past because of coasting, by his own admission. He sees me as a parent figure half the time I think. I’m angry and resentful.

Our conversations these days largely consist of me trying to ignore his endless Dad jokes and attempts to be funny and I’m struggling.

Best wishes to you all.

Does anyones ND partner say they answered you but they definitely didn't? My ex did this majority of the time. Said 'i said yes' ... even when stood in same room!! I thought is he gaslighting or thinking he replied?! Made me so ill tbh. Amongst other things. Made me feel unheard, not important what i had to say.

@Spudlover welcome. I absolutely resonate with your description of the childlike passivity, and also the spotty work history and the fear and resentment that generates. It is so hard.

Hi all
i’ve just found you! Such a relief to be able to ‘talk’ to others who understand what I’m going through again. I used to use a forum called Different Together but it closed.
We’ve been married for 44 years in a parallel play’ sort of way.

Loubelle70 yes! Not says he’s answered when he’s been silent exactly, but says he replied a certain way and just clearly didn’t at all!!! Or he asked me something which he didn’t.
Example the other day was looking at some communication from school. He was saying there were three emails and asking me if I had received them all. One about a trip, one about an activity (let’s say rollerblading) and one about “something else”.
I look at the emails. I say yes I can see the one about the trip and yes there’s one about rollerblading. Then I say “oh what’s this? There’s something about go karting”
He says “I just told you that”
I say “no you said “something else”, you didn’t say go karting”
He replies angrily (and here is me like you wondering if he knows he is lying or whether he actually believes this. And it drives me mad because it happens ALL THE TIME!) “No! I clearly said go karting! I literally said that just now!”
me: “ok, it’s fine. You didn’t actually mention go karting. It doesn’t matter though”.
him: “I absolutely did”. Repeats back what he thinks he said and “go karting” has now been added in.

And he always does this. Repeats back what he said. But suddenly adds things in which he absolutely didn’t say. I am deaf (though not that deaf!) and he gaslights me and says I just didn’t hear him. And I agree that is possible on some occasions. Only most of the time I have heard him very well. I have a really strong auditory recall. So like with photographic memories, I can remember things word for word. And I know exactly what he said. But he will not have it. He is adamant that he said x. Is 100% certain and just shuts me down and says I’m trying to cause an argument.

Often this is just unimportant information like the example above. A bit annoying. He says he said something and adds in the bit he didn’t say and then swears blind that’s what he said when I know perfectly well it wasn’t. But sometimes this is important stuff. And he’s not been clear about something and I have to seek clarification. And then he gets annoyed and says he’s been perfectly clear (only in his head though). I say no I’m not sorry it isn’t clear. You said x and I don’t understand what you mean by that. He then repeats what he thinks he just said, only this time he has added in the clarifying/important information and says it’s perfectly clear. I’ll say yes it is NOW. But that isn’t what you said at the time. Cue him
getting angry (he feels criticised I guess…..) and saying he absolutely made it clear and it’s not his fault if I misunderstood or didn’t hear properly.

That last bit upsets me because he always makes out like my hearing is the issue. But it’s not. It’s lack of clear communication and then his delusion about what he said (ie what’s in his mind becomes his memory of what he said). But he gets angry with me and tries to gaslight me into thinking I’m the problem.

So it’s not exactly like you describe, but completely resonates with me the whole is he actually lying / gaslighting me on purpose? Or does he genuinely believe he answered in a certain way? If it were now and again I wouldn’t care but it’s most days. I find his communication like word spaghetti. It’s so hard to understand what he actually means and I have to ask him to clarify all the time. So this issue comes up a lot!!!

@BustyLaRoux @Loubelle70 Ive posted on this a few times before. DW definitely does this. I've even been told "I know that's what I said but you know it's not what I meant".

A very long time ago I told my Mum Mrs Daft very rarely says exactly what she means, and very rarely takes onboard what we talk about. It ends up that nothing is what it appears to be. Another 1000 little cuts.

@BustyLaRoux yes with my ex. Luckily for me he's happier with email than talking, so he'd write things down. Then he'd say something and I'd say, hold on that's not what you said, and he'd deny it and deny it and deny it. My memory is poor (even worse in the menopause) so it's all too easy to confuse me - which left me feeling I was groping through a fog when he denied even clear memories - but since some things were written down, I could go back to them and show him.

Then he'd shut up and it was as if none of this had ever happened. For him, at least.

He'd also deny saying things when other people were around and would chorus back at him "Yes you did say that!".

Nothing you can do if it's a persistent character trait. You just have to live with it and expect less.

Hi all. I'm very new to this topic so please bear with me.

I've had suspicions for a while that my husband displays ASD traits, and as our marriage goes on I'm finding things increasingly difficult. I'd like to describe some of his behaviour in the hope of getting some insight by those more knowledgeable than me :(

• My husband's main interest in life is the gym. It is a non negotiable part of the day, for which he will spend hours in there. Sometimes getting up at 3am for a session before work. This naturally leads to constant tiredness (not accepted by him as linked) In relation to this, his food habits are repetitive; literally eats the same meals on repeat. Gym has always been important to him, I now consider it an obsession.
• Zero spontaneity or real interest when it comes to family activities. We have been parents for 5 years, not once has he suggested or arranged anything for us to do together
• Very poor communication. I don't think he has ever in 9 years of marriage started a conversation with me about anything contentious in our marriage/anything that requires an emotional or difficult conversation
• If such a conversation takes place it will be instigated by me. I will do about 90% of the talking and be met by silence and being stared at. (Will also always take a defensive stance and feel he is being attacked, nothing can be talked through) He won't talk, stares at me vacantly. I often find him just sitting (if we are all sat on the sofa for instance and the children and I are chatting, he doesn't join in but sits in silence although denies there's anything up with him
• Thrives on routine at work and cannot deviate from it (see point 1 too
• Will often be mute in social settings with certain people, doesn't join in the conversation, I can find this to be embarrassing as it's very noticeable and just looks like he doesn't want to be there, its like he can't face the small talk
• Will interrupt me mid conversation to tell or ask me something completely unrelated
• Holds minimal eye contact during conversations with me, appears uninterested
• No desire for intimacy. Feels like he is emotionally disattached from the children and I

I could go on .... no patience with the kids, I think he finds them and me inconvenience

I will however now mention that he holds a responsible position at work, makes important decisions and is highly respected. He is always timely, never forgets or fails to acknowledge a birthday or anniversary. Takes his role as a father seriously and is present for things I ask him to be (albeit doesn't necessarily feel emotionally present) He can be funny and sociable with those he seems comfortable with. He is great with money and provides for us.

I am however struggling. I have raised this in the past pre kids and he has laughed it off but suggested he does possibly entertain the idea of having ASD traits. Nowadays however life is harder, I am unsure if he may be depressed, I really have no idea. I would just like the person back that I used to know, I feel so lonely and would really like to move on with this somehow.

I don't feel loved, feel like I live with a stranger and sometimes a robot. He feels a million miles away from me and I just wish I knew what was going on in his head.

Thanks for reading x