Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

oh I’m sorry @Daftasabroom .
Its a crap time to get covid 😢😢

And good luck with it. Covid and dh isn’t a good mix - let alone because we don’t have the same outlook on how serious covid is….

Not wander - where has edit gone?

and we just had an argument about pants! He left his on the bedroom floor this am and I nicely asked him tonight if he could not do that again. His face went all stern and he looked confused and started to explain why he had left them there etc (didn’t want to make a noise in the morning apparently)
but why can’t he just say oh yes sorry I won’t do it again!

Just joined, but OH My God, yes this!

The endless and, frankly, ridiculous justifications for . well, everything. Why?? Why not just say, Sorry!

I strongly believe that internal justification is why he never learns to stop doing stuff that causes rows. Because in his head he has justified why he did it, so hence, no learning curve needed. Hence it will happen over and over again.

@SpecialMangeTout - yeah I know, I had it between Christmas and New Year last year.

DW is a massive hypochondriac and spends hours and hours self diagnosing her "issues" each week. Even the the DSs have pulled her up on it.

Interestingly when I got referred for ADHD she said "that must be such a relief". No, not really, it explains a lot but generally makes me feel a bit shit that my life could have been very different if I had had a diagnosis as a child. The interesting thing is that she seems to see a diagnosis for anything as a relief, even if that's a self diagnosis.

The endless and, frankly, ridiculous justifications for . well, everything. Why?? Why not just say, Sorry!

@YesThis , apparently, endless justification can be a trauma response. I know I tend to do that too 🫣🫣

I’ve got ADHD too, @Daftasabroom . It’sI j the combo of AdHD and ASD is quite a common one, opposites attract and all that. And I think it is a doomed combo.

i have known for about 5 years that I can’t make this work, I can endure the marriage, we have a nice life but I can’t be unhappy and bemused for another 20 years.

this year I’ll sort out my finances and see if I can save some money up for a flat deposit. I can move out the city once my youngest leaves schoo next year.

Nithing in particular has happened, I’ve just tried everything and ran out of “try”.

actually, that’s not true. My friend’s DH hugged me, and it struck how nice it was to feel hugged. It wasn’t an inappropriate thing, I’d helped them with a family crisis and all he did was hug me a thank you. He put his arms right round me, to my shoulder blades and he had his head turned his head to my shoulder and he pulled me in and sort of up and just held me for exactly the right length of time and it was affectionate and kind and it took my breath away because I have not been held with affection for 20 years and I can’t believe how much I have missed relaxed, kind, TOUCH.

if DH hugs me he holds his breath, doesn’t know what to do with his head and pats my back like I am a cat. It is always too brief or too long and I can’t understand it. I’m a primate, after all, so what the hell is he?

life is short and this is never going to be a relaxed, intimate, loving marriage. It’s just very sad.

@stealtheatingtunnocks on the few occasions these days when hug, and I always have to ask, it's so light, like the touch of a ghost.

I think there are one or two other posters in mixed AS ADHD relationships - I wonder whether there is an element of codependency as well as opposites attract. Or perhaps that's the same thing anyway?

I've mused in the past whether societal expectations, or perceived expectations, play a significant role in the way some of our partners relate to their life partner.

DS1 has been at Uni for a while and DS2 started back in September. I'm not sure I've ever seen such an instant change in anyone before. DW instantly said she felt a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, her whole demeanor changed. Not quite the girl I met, but really astounding nonetheless.

So I wonder whether the stereotype of the career man or woman, or the perfect SAHM/D, may result in some kind of mega mask? So a daily mask might manifest itself in one way and a lifestyle mask might be on another level?

This is exactly how I feel. Just run out of try. I too have been hugged recently. Simply forget how nice it is.

DW instantly said she felt a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, her whole demeanor changed. Not quite the girl I met, but really astounding nonetheless.

You know what, dc2 left for Uni this September.
And i noticed EXACTLY the same in DH. Like a switch that got turned on.
And actually a similar feeling than years ago after dc1 was born. It was like a wall had been raised and he became unreachable.
Since then, he has been much easier to live with. (I’m still struggling though)

How do you help your children accept that their father is emotionally unavailable?
Dh has been off at work, which means me and the kids have been having a really relaxed, uncomplicated time over Christmas.
We are a very close little trio. We hug, we say I love you. I have always been encouraging and supportive. They talk to me and ask for advice. I love our relationship.
Dh is the complete opposite with them, he doesn't show or tell them he loves them, he never really asks them about anything.
Anyway, me and the kids ended up having a conversation about life in general, hopes and dreams kind of thing. All good until ds (18) said he didn't think he'd have kids incase he was like his dad. Dd (16) said that she was scared to be in a relationship incase she ended up with someone like her father.
I am absolutely gutted for them, they haven't even started their adult lives yet they are both already damaged.
I'm sad, disappointed, angry, mainly at dh but also with myself. I feel guilty, a failure, I have completely let my children down.
How do I help them?

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy

They may feel like that now but it may not always be the case.

They’re still very young and not much life experience.

If anything they’re much more likely NOT to form relationships with people like your DH. They’re already very aware of what they don’t want.

They could have some counselling to help them work through the idea that their past is not their future.

Ive suggested to my children over and over again to go for emotionally available people who are kind and supportive.

They just need time to experiment and understand other types of people.

Id just try and be light hearted and laugh it off and say why on earth would that happen? Of course they can meet good people who can be a good match. Must encourage positivity and not let current circumstances be the overall tone. Easier said than done I know.

It’s normal for them to worry. But they’re looking to you for reassurance that this won’t happen.

Help them develop good boundaries and high standards and say you probably didn’t do that enough but they would because they’d learnt from your experience. That’s what I say.

Oh gosh that's so interesting since I felt DH 'changed' quite instantaneously on the transition to fatherhood as well. The idea that it's a kind of meta level demand makes a lot of sense.

I also empathise with the 'run out of try' sentiment as well.

@BlueTick

Thank you so much for those words of wisdom. Sadly, like most of us, I have no-one I can talk to about any of this in real life.

You're right, they still have very little life experience, they look at their parents relationship and assume that's it.

I tell my wonderful son that he will be a wonderful father one day as he is nothing like his father.

I reassure my sweet daughter that she will find someone to love her unconditionally.

I just have to hope that if i keep talking to them they will make good judgement calls and realise that there are good emotional available, loving people out there.

I just seem to be sad a lot of the time and it gets harder to feign happiness when dh comes home.

Having a dreadful holiday away.

i can’t do this again.

What does everyone else do?

Does anyone have successful holidays?

DH is a nightmare if anything goes even remotely not according to plan. He’s been shouting at DS on the slopes because he fell over. DS got busted lip and bloody nose, chipped tooth after a collision. DH screamed at him because DS refused to ski further and walked to the ski lift to go down.

two women intervened and called me to say he needed medical assistance but DH insisted he’s fine and so they walked 40 mins to the ski lift with DH shouting all the way at DS.

DS not been able to eat now back at hotel, got mild concussion. He didn’t black out. But he’s been sleepy and had an hours sleep now. Very Wobbly.

I was not there as I’m injured and can’t ski so DC skied with DH. I told DH not to ski with them because he’s so poor at handling things when they go wrong. But he’s so impatient to ski and do his own thing he didn’t find any lessons. So off they went.

We have to fly home tomorrow. Poor poor DS. I feel so horribly guilty for having chosen such a shit DF for him with no compassion and no nurturing and no kindness. It’s like he DH has wires in him, no heart. No empathy.

DH told me he’d lost his voice from shouting at him.

I hate my DH. He’s a shit.

DS is 12 😭

That sounds really tough @BlueTick - does he recognise that his (DH) approach is in any way damaging?

@Daftasabroom no he doesn’t. He’s now back and us basically implying in front of DS that DS is making it up.

DS had a few sips of water now and a quarter of a biscuit. Eaten nothing since breakfast. very wobbly.

DH still furious and complaining about every single thing you can imagine. Not enough toilet paper. Why has no one packed yet.

DS thinks he may have broken wrist. DH thinks DS is putting it on and even if it’s painful it’s not broken and he should man up.

This is their relationship. DH is a very very successful business person. Workaholic. Chooses difficulty over easy every time. Physically mentally emotionally. Can’t relax unless achieving at all times. In anything and everything. Must have a goal. Must have a plan. It must be achieved at all costs.

Cant understand how he got a gentle, soft, kind DS who he constantly puts under pressure to do better. In every single walk of life. It’s abuse but DH can’t see it.

They are cut from a different cloth but feel like Dh is destroying him.

@BlueTick is there a way fir you to go and have ds checked over before you leave?
It sounds like a pretty bad fall. 😢

And you talked about abuse and I think you’re right. And autism is not a Get out if jail card for abuse.

So sorry to hear about what's going on with you.

Your dh is verbally abusing your son though. No if, ands or buts.

I know you know that though.

I'm not going to offer any advice either as you know that dh is not going to man up, apologise or put anyone first except himself.

If the easy solution was to 'LTB' then we would all have done it.

Take care of your son and yourself BlueTick 💐

Thank you for writing @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy and @SpecialMangeTout and @Daftasabroom it helps so much to have your words of support and care. Just to say to someone that this hurts and have you there and acknowledge it. I feel so lonely.

I would love to leave but I have no work or career. DM died a month ago and I’d been waiting for this to pass as I couldn’t work while she was alive and needed all my help. Note there has been no exceptions made for my grief and sadness since my DM died. DH as shitty as ever. No change at all. No “I’ll go easy on BlueTick”. He has only one mode this man.

I may now LTB finally.

I need to retrain and make a reasonable amount of money. I’m no spring chicken. Any ideas? It feels like such an uphill slog though. My brain is not what it was. I feel like I can barely remember my name, let alone start to take tests and actually be of any use to someone. I’ve not worked full time for 18 years.

DS has had a sleep and managed to eat some chicken nuggets for dinner. Couldn’t eat the chips but at least he’s had something. I’m praying he gets a good nights sleep. He’s listening to music on his iPhone and resting. He’s such a sweet boy. Such the opposite of his father.

The problem I face if I leave DH is that I’m sure they’d still need to spend time with him through the year so he’d still have plenty of time to fuck DS up. It’s better when I’m there so I can defend them.

And during the rest of the year we don’t see DH much. We even go on holiday on our own, me and the kids and have a lovely time. I wish we could have better holidays all together though but his expectations are ridiculously high and always dashed. Because he works so hard the rest of the year he wants perfect holidays with a perfect family that all do exactly what he does. And they gets very angry and disappointed that we can’t do it like him. He’s extremely fit… he thinks his pleasure is more important than ours I guess? I don’t know what the psychology is. Only that we are endlessly disappointing to him.

You need to remember that your dcs are getting old enough now to have a say. They might not want to stay that much (or for the whole weekend or when going skiing etc…) with their dad.

im just going to say. When my dcs were that age, I contemplated leaving and went against it for very similar reasons than you. Now dcs have both left home but my health has gone downhill a lot (stress from the relationship had a huge part to play in that). I can’t work anymore so I’m even more stuck than before.
If I had my time again, I’d have separated then.

@BlueTick it sounds as if your DH might be projecting the pressures he places on himself on to your DS. It's no excuse of course and doesn't lessen the damage.

I can certainly see DW reverting to one mode when not masking.

If your son has symptoms of concussion or a broken wrist he has to be seen by a medic before you take him in a plane.

Has to. No ifs or buts or maybes.

That sounds so awful.

Holidays are tricky for us too, DHs temper plus ND kids. For years I refused to do family holidays. Things are a bit better since he stopped drinking, and the kids are older teens so they do pull him up over the way he behaves, i think that external opinion (i.e not me) makes him see a bit more

I was worried about shared custody as well hence didn't end up going down that route- can’t say if that was a good or bad decision.