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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn’t post about me on socials

121 replies

NeedHelp000 · 22/09/2023 20:30

strange topic but let me explain…..

my husband of 8 years has not posted anything about me on social media in about a year now.
No posts for my birthday, Mother’s Day, our anniversary. These are all things he used to always do so it bothers me that he doesn’t do it any more.

it may sound silly and I’m expecting a lot of people to tell me to stop being silly, but it bothers me and I want to talk to him about it.
he is active on social media and when he’s done posts about our kids, their birthdays or anything I’m never in any of the okie photos.

my question is….. how do I broach the subject?
thanks

OP posts:
harerunner · 23/09/2023 05:53

1983Louise · 22/09/2023 21:39

You're a grown up, social media isn't real, my husband hasn't even got a mobile phone, stop being silly.............

How does anybody get by in the world these day without a mobile phone?!

harerunner · 23/09/2023 06:05

Does anyone just do something just because on here or is there always some saga behind everything?

This... Some posters would interpret every action a man takes as possible evidence of cheating...

Posting on socials - only cheaters do they! Not posting on socials - must be cheating!

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/09/2023 06:15

Nanny0gg · 22/09/2023 22:35

If I hadn't worked in a primary school for 20 years I'd think that inference and deduction hadn't ever been taught.

It doesn't matter what you use social media for
It doesn't matter that you don't post about your spouse or your marriage
It doesn't matter how you use it
And it doesn't matter if you never use it because you think it's rubbish

Her husband always posted events and special days about the OP
He still does that about his children
And he still uses SM a lot
So why not about her?

The OP is upset that there is a change and she's asking if she should be worried about it

And I think @NeedHelp000 you really need to ask him why because yes, I think it's odd

Thank fuck for you and the other posters saying this.

Just for the SM haters... you are much better people because you live under a rock and use carrier pigeons and never ever mention you have a partner or family. Here's a 🏅 enjoy it.

The issue is not if and how people use SM. The issue is that for 7 years the man talked about and to his wife on SM and a year ago stopped. Something changed. And something changing in a marriage, especially a man suddenly not talking about his wife in public, is cause for concern. OP I would ask. And see what he says. Just after a birthday or anniversary is good timing. "You used to post about me and put pictures. You don't any more." And wait for his reply.

FWIW my DH has no SM, never mentioned or would dream of mentioning me on SM, thinks it's vapid and shit; and my posts are mostly me travelling solo, cute dog memes and politics. Nothing about him either. But I am still capable of understanding that OP's DH is acting out of character.

This place sometimes. Bloody hell.

daisychain01 · 23/09/2023 06:17

How does your DH behave in other aspects of your life?

Has he become less attentive, is he disengaged in general, does he get home from work at the same time as he always has, are his routines the same, does he dress the same or has he changed his image lately.

These are the tell tail signs you need to be more worried about, with change in SM usage part of that general shift in his behaviour.

If everything else about your DH is the same as before, if he is still engaged in family life including you, but the only change is that he's tailed off with posting about you, then you've got less to worry about. In fact, I'd say, he has probably matured and grown out of constant posting.

Ask him, see what he says, communicate!

harerunner · 23/09/2023 06:21

In terms of the question about why post about your kids birthdays but not your partner's...

I was finding it increasingly naff and cringeworthy to post soppy birthday /anniversary messages about my partner online for all to see... I found it similarly naff when my partner did the same. I really felt uncomfortable making ostentatious displays of online affection for all to see...

However, I don't feel the same way posting about my kids. There's also not the same expectation to be sentimental. You can post "Happy birthday harerunner-son. Can't believe he's now 8!" or whatever, and that fine.

You can't do something so dry for your partner without risking them being offended (if they care about FB like the OP clearly does) or others wondering if there's an issue.... You're expected to write something suitably romantic, expressing undying love and eternal gratitude for the time you've spent together on this earth. Its insufferable 🤮 and something you'd expect from love-sick teenagers!

I don't post much on FB any more, but when i do, it tends to be about family stuff and children.

Maybe the OP's DH has just gone on the same journey I have... and any other explanations are just some MNers being typical paranoid.

Hungryfrogs23 · 23/09/2023 06:22

So many people missing the point entirely.

  • the op didn't ask for your opinion on social media use.
  • it doesn't matter what other couples do on social media
  • it isn't just the fact he doesn't post a gushing happy birthday message.

@NeedHelp000 I understand your concern. A change in his usage, going from mentioning you and posting about you to suddenly not posting anything would understandably raise questions. To also be posting what are ostensibly family photos but omitting any of you from the selection is also a bit of a red flag. You are absolutely not being unreasonable for being concerned about this. My advice would be

  • what does he do if you post and tag him in something?
  • in a lighthearted way you could say to him "those photos from last week are lovely but it makes it look like I wasn't there haha" and gauge his response.
  • openly ask him why his social media has suddenly gone dark about you.

I hope you get it resolved.

Codlingmoths · 23/09/2023 06:22

Have you a friend you trust or who would let you borrow his phone? Does his profile look the same on her phone as on yours? And if you take a selfie of you him and the kids and post it, does it show up on her phone? Also take a photo of the kids and tag him in saying something sweet - lovely day out with <name> and the kids! Ie checking he doesn’t have you restricted and he doesn’t have sharing tags restricted, if so he’s working quite hard to keep you out of his social media life.

C1N1C · 23/09/2023 06:55

Socials are a refuge for people with no life in the real world.

Enjoy the fact he's actually with you rather than spending that valuable time online trying to show off to randoms.

Covetthee · 23/09/2023 07:05

Ffs social media posts always bring out the superior ‘i don’t use social media/don’t even have a smart phone’ crowd.. hurray for you and your superiority.

I’m not one for social media either but I do read the post by the OP.

OP- as others have said the change is odd. Do you post about him and tag him? What happens if you do?

I definitely think you need to have a talk but be prepared to be told you’re being insecure etc, if he seems overly defensive then I would definitely look into things a bit closer.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/09/2023 09:14

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 22/09/2023 20:56

he can wish you happy birthday in person, why would anyone do that on social media ?

OP, you’ll be inundated with linear responses like the one above. Posters that just want to make a snippy remark.

However, they fail to see the issue, which is that he used to post about the OP (whether the snippy posters agree with that or not is completely irrelevant) and has stopped doing so. He also appears to exclude all mention of her In his other prolific posting habits.

I don’t post at all on social media, but I understand why you’d find that perturbing, OP. I think you should ask him why.

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 23/09/2023 09:23

Did it suddenly stop a year ago, OP, or did it gradually tail off?

Susieb2023 · 23/09/2023 09:30

What a nasty lot some of you are!!! And talk about your patronising sneering about the use of SM, don’t worry we can all see you’re all oh so much better than other people. Jeez!

OP I hope you’re still reading. Tbh I think you’re spotting a significant change in behaviour and I can understand why you’re hurt. My personal feeling is changed like this are usually red flags. I would dig a bit deeper.

Disturbia81 · 23/09/2023 09:35

Some people just don't post and that's fine. But sounds like he is a regular poster plus used to do it.

burnoutbabe · 23/09/2023 09:39

Pleaseme · 22/09/2023 21:08

I don’t get why you’d want him to wish you a happy birthday on social media or anything else.I assume you live together and he does these things in person?

I don't think me and partner wish each other a happy birthday on Facebook but we would always go out and do something and post pictures of that with both tagged.

(Though to be fair we also tag each other most weeks on some sort of night out or breakfast out)

He doesn't ever say anything mushy but anyone looking at his profile would know he's attached. I assume that's the issue more for you?

yogasaurus · 23/09/2023 09:42

I used to post things on SM. Now I don’t.

I cringe at myself when I see the things I used to post tbh…

gannett · 23/09/2023 10:42

The change in behaviour isn't odd at all. Almost everyone I know has changed their social media behaviour in the past 5-10 years, mostly because of increased awareness of privacy concerns and increased levels of toxicity across all platforms.

I never posted about my relationships much but I'd mention DP in passing or upload a photo with him in it 10 years ago. I definitely wouldn't do the latter now.

Covetthee · 23/09/2023 11:41

gannett · 23/09/2023 10:42

The change in behaviour isn't odd at all. Almost everyone I know has changed their social media behaviour in the past 5-10 years, mostly because of increased awareness of privacy concerns and increased levels of toxicity across all platforms.

I never posted about my relationships much but I'd mention DP in passing or upload a photo with him in it 10 years ago. I definitely wouldn't do the latter now.

So the OP’s husband is concerned about his privacy regarding his relationship but not his kids that he still posts about and posts pictures of?

I would think if that was the case then childrens privacy would be more important than their spouse in this day and age

Ladybug14 · 23/09/2023 11:44

How are you listed on his profile info, OP? As his wife? Partner? Does he say hes in a relationship?

Disturbia81 · 23/09/2023 11:45

Also watch out for him not putting photos of you up, hiding relationship status etc.

Hbh17 · 23/09/2023 11:48

Dear God, why does this matter? My husband doesn't even follow me on social media 🤣 If he wants to tell you something, surely he can say it to your face?!

Anonymous620 · 23/09/2023 11:54

OP you’re right, it does sound silly.

What happens in real life is what counts. Are there problems there?

I selectively post to do with my kids - so that distant grandparents can see photos etc.

I never do the whole “happy birthday to my amazing husband” etc. I mean why would I? It’s ridiculous and we both laugh about other couples doing it when they could just turn to each other and say it in person 😂

Purely performative, you may want to find out why appearances matter so much to you.

category12 · 23/09/2023 11:57

Anonymous620 · 23/09/2023 11:54

OP you’re right, it does sound silly.

What happens in real life is what counts. Are there problems there?

I selectively post to do with my kids - so that distant grandparents can see photos etc.

I never do the whole “happy birthday to my amazing husband” etc. I mean why would I? It’s ridiculous and we both laugh about other couples doing it when they could just turn to each other and say it in person 😂

Purely performative, you may want to find out why appearances matter so much to you.

It's because he used to post like that about her for 7 years or more, and then stopped a year ago. Yet still does the birthdays etc for his children in the same way he always has. It's a change in behaviour only relating to his marriage.

I don't know why it's so important to some posters to take obvious pleasure in belittling OP about social media than pay attention to what the issue actually is.

Vallmo47 · 23/09/2023 11:58

If his social media behaviour has changed from including you in posts to suddenly ensuring you’re not in any of the pictures/posts, that is a reason to suspect he’s deliberately trying to hide something. Sorry OP but I agree with you - in this case it would be nice if it was innocent. It’s weird he’s tagging the kids and things but have more or less “cropped” you out of his life - suggests he wants to seem single even when he’s not.
If his behaviour online had changed overall though, meaning he’s not posting full stop, that would obviously be fine.

Disturbia81 · 23/09/2023 12:07

Hbh17 · 23/09/2023 11:48

Dear God, why does this matter? My husband doesn't even follow me on social media 🤣 If he wants to tell you something, surely he can say it to your face?!

That's a bit odd if he's on it..

Notbeinfunnehbut · 23/09/2023 12:11

I’d perhaps broach why you aren’t in any photos that’s more of an issue

it’s something that can’t be refuted
Id ask fairly directly why your excluded from all the photos

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