Angry at DH about car

[Mamma13568]

I'm feeling so angry at the moment. We need a car urgently so we've been looking for a few weeks. I also have a few months where I'm going to be a SAHP. I thought with this rare amount of free time I would get my driving license. I've struggled with a manual previously in lessons, I just didnt feel comfortable. We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision. I'm not interested in cars so DH has done all the research. There are very few good ones in our budget locally.

DH has just bought a car without me, not even a phone call about it. It's a manual. His rationale was that the automatic has some red flags, we need a car urgently as he has a big journey planned, there are almost no options and he didn't want to miss out on this one. The alternative was to rent a car for a few weeks which would have been expensive but doable.

I'm so upset this decision on which car I'm going to learn on has effectively been made for me.

DH has apologised. It's a beautiful car, similar to the manual I learned on, so if I had to I would learn on this one. But I feel angry looking at it. I really wanted to spend the next few months learning to drive, but I'm worried about spending thousands in lessons and struggling and not getting my license at the end of it. We're not going to get a second car anytime soon. Should I learn automatic anyway in the hope that we sell this car in a year? How do I get over my resentment?

I don't understand why the manual was on your short list if you weren't open to learning on it? I can understand why your DH Thought it was ok to go for the manual car.

I think what he’s done is reasonable. He tried to accomodate your ask but second hand cars are expensive right now due to chip situation and lack of new cars having been in production.

Automatics don’t sell as easily/quickly so is the one he was viewing had red flags, buying it would have been a poor decision.

Do you have a medical condition or learning difficulty preventing you from learning to use a manual? If not, just accept you find it hard and, as I say to my son, “try try again”. You’ll get there, it will all come together and click but giving up because you find something hard is a daft option. It isn’t an option. Get an instructor and crack on. You’ll feel euphoric once you master driving and the associated freedom.

good luck!!

Much better to have a manual licence. Down the line stuck with automatic and cant for eg limited borrowing friends/ family cars. Its harder to learn on but worth it. Go for it with a good driving instructor

I didn't even know you could pass an ' automatic only ' driving test . I thought everyone had to learn a manual .
FWIW I prefer manuals and had to wait longer to find my make on a manual . I just don't like automatics it doesn't feel like proper driving .

I'd be annoyed if my husband spent that much money on something without discussing it. We share finances and a big purchase regardless of anyone's preferences or involvement would be discussed. I'm going to order the sofa today this is the one I'm getting etc. This is the new laptop, garden furniture, lawn mower. Anything like that.

You are nowhere near even taking your test. You told him to get an automatic if the cars were equal. They weren't. You are not newing reasonable. Get on with the lessons. I tookages to learn and had many tests. You probably can do it.

Once you learn to drive a manual car it'll take about 10 seconds for you to learn an automatic, that doesn't work the other way round. Learn the manual and you can drive any car. You'll be fine 💐

Hi @Mamma13568 I'm with you.

I told my kids to learn in autos as all cars will be auto soon and honestly autos are no more expensive than manuals and imo a lot safer as you have less to think about when driving so can concentrate on risks.

Your DH should have spoken to you to get your buy in. Sadly the deed has now been done!

If I was you, I'd learn in an auto. You can pick up a cheap auto runaround for a few £00 these days so get your own car once you've passed your test.

Good luck x

I've never driven an automatic and wouldn't want to. I can't see how you can reasonably expect to choose a car when you are nowhere near passing. It should have been discussed but if it's going to be DH car then I would say he should have the day,

Say

Everyone says there are limitations to autos but no one is explaining them.

I know that manuals afford more control over choosing gears and this can be helpful in hilly areas, but we're living a relatively flat region.

There are more choices to buy if you drive both manuals and autos. But if I learn manual and still strongly prefer an auto, then we would likely get an auto. DH prefers manual but he wants me to be comfortable driving too. He also feels strongly about getting an electric car but we're renting so we can't install all the charging stuff. Once we buy a house next year, the next car is going to be an electric auto anyway.

Someone mentioned being able to borrow cars from friends and family, but we have no extended family so it's very unlikely with us.

What else?

My main reasons for wanting to drive is to be able to get to hospital in an emergency (as we will live very remotely), to ferry DC to neighbouring villages as needed, and to take a little pressure off DH for all the driving. So wouldn't it make sense to learn quickly and get my license (even if that part takes a bit longer). Especially as we're going to switch to auto within 2-3 years, anyway.

I've never driven an automatic and wouldn't want to. I can't see how you can reasonably expect to choose a car when you are nowhere near passing. It should have been discussed but if it's going to be DH car then I would say he should have the day,

See I don't understand this at all. It's still a joint purchase, it's our car. DH is comfortable in both types of vehicle - he enjoys manual more but wants to switch to electric soon. I'm going to be the learner and will practice intensively over the next few months. As the not at all confident learner driver, shouldn't my preferences take as much, or even more precedence?

Finally, I would never get a car with red flags. There was a third option - waiting! Get a hire car until we can look more widely.

Honestly - getting a test (and lessons) at the moment is incredibly difficult. You need to do your theory before you can book the test - and you also need to get lessons. Some areas are several months wait before a test is available. And then, of course, you need to pass. Only 50% of people pass their test first time. And on the second test takers, again only 50% pass. You really need to get going with learning to drive rather than worrying about what car you will drive when you pass your test.

It sounds like you had quite a bit of discussion about it, but unfortunately the best option wasn’t the one you wanted.

You need to get on with it. Learning manual is something millions of people do, you’ll get there with the right attitude.

YABU. You don’t drive!! You’re 45 and don’t drive - it can’t be that important to you or you would have learnt long before now.
It’s standard to learn a manual. I don’t know a single person with an auto only licence. Your options for cars are much better with a manual. If your job ever needs you to drive a car it will most likely be a manual. Your DH drives a manual. You’re expecting him to bend over backwards to what you want when he already drives a manual (and seemingly prefers it) because you don’t want to learn to drive a manual. Get him to take you out for driving lessons in the new car, it’s a perfect opportunity.

It's difficult for everyone. Really, really difficult for the vast majority. The difference is that some people accept that it's really, really difficult and knuckle down. Other people seem to think that they are special because a difficult thing feels difficult and give up. I used to be pretty much unable to talk for an hour or two after a driving lesson as my brain was so absolutely fried. I'd go to my parents' house as they were looking after DS and I was so absent and barely monosyllabic afterwards that initially they assumed something really bad had happened and I was upset/scared to tell them.

But I got on with it because I had to and over time it got easier and easier. I had absolute disasters. I stalled at lights and couldn't get restarted. I went down a gear when I should have gone up and instantly panicked. I came off the clutch out of gear and thought I'd killed my car from the sound and vibration it made. There were days when I genuinely had to stop myself from just getting out of the car and running away because I'd freaked myself out so much. When I'd be drenched in sweat from panic on a hill start. We all go through it. Nobody is unusual for feeling like it's utterly impossible. Because it does feel that way. But if you keep on at it, it becomes possible. Then it becomes part of you and you just do it without thought.

And sure there is an argument that manual vehicles could be obsolete soon. But they aren't now. And they won't be next year or in 5 years. Realistically, cobalt and lithium are absolutely foul for the environment and as more data emerges are honestly looking much worse than ICE for overall negative impact on the planet. I certainly hope that electric cars become genuinely viable to replace all ICE in the future but without big technological advancement, that's too far off to rely on. It's absolutely worth realising that learning to drive manual is really, really fucking hard, getting over yourself and knuckling down. Because even if you never have to use those skills in a decade or two, that's still a lot of time to get the benefit of having them.

I would be massively pissed off if we discussed automatic and DH went and bought a manual anyway. And I drove manuals for years and years. If someone is starting to learn relatively late in life, I would absolutely recommend them to go for automatic only. It's just so much easier. I am never planning to drive any manuals and don't have any issues - second hand market is fine and all car rentals have automatics available.

If the automatic had red flags, why would you expect him to buy that one? Sounds like he made the right decision.

OP says they could have rented and kept looking, surely those are not the last 2 cars on the market.

There aren’t any limitations with modern autos. It’s really just a mindset. Personally, I think they’re safer because you can keep two hands on the wheel.

I learned to drive in an auto after failed attempts in a manual and it was much easier for me. When we got an auto as a family car, my husband's driving improved - no more crunching the clutch.

I think they're better!

I also found it very hard like weirdowl but I do not think everyone gets this at all, driving is not hard for many people and they do not break into a sweat or have panic attacks after lessons. Some do, I did, I would say after 1 year passed it was better, 3 fine and now 5 no problem. But clearly most people do not find it so hard which is why they pass after 15 lessons and don't get why others are anxious about it.

I mean is it DH teaching you in the new car or lessons?
I meant it's up to you two at the end of the day but since you haven't got a licence, not sure if you have got your provisional licence or theory test it all seems a long way off. Most people get external lessons these days as they are safer, but again just my opinion.

“I'm not interested in cars”

Why on earth would he run it by you then when that’s pretty clear? Clearly you knew he was looking and clearly you knew the choice had been narrowed down, he went to view cars and that a purchase was imminent. You don’t hang about with the second hand market - if you like it you buy on the spot otherwise it will go.

Yes, big purchase decision, marriage, communication etc. but it sounds like that was covered.

Learn manual. It really isn’t that hard. (It gives a more even leg work out..) It will give you more options in the future when the next car breaks down / you need to borrow/hire/ whatever a car that you don’t know.

Is this more about autonomy in life and having a baby / staying at home (that’s my inference re soon to be sahp for a while however it may well be wrong)?

You haven't past your test yet. Worry about it when you have. You needed a car in a hurry and you've got one that is safe. Move on its not worth the arguments. Look at it again when you've passed your test.