Angry at DH about car

[Mamma13568]

I'm feeling so angry at the moment. We need a car urgently so we've been looking for a few weeks. I also have a few months where I'm going to be a SAHP. I thought with this rare amount of free time I would get my driving license. I've struggled with a manual previously in lessons, I just didnt feel comfortable. We discussed getting an automatic to make it easier for me but we didn't make a decision. I'm not interested in cars so DH has done all the research. There are very few good ones in our budget locally.

DH has just bought a car without me, not even a phone call about it. It's a manual. His rationale was that the automatic has some red flags, we need a car urgently as he has a big journey planned, there are almost no options and he didn't want to miss out on this one. The alternative was to rent a car for a few weeks which would have been expensive but doable.

I'm so upset this decision on which car I'm going to learn on has effectively been made for me.

DH has apologised. It's a beautiful car, similar to the manual I learned on, so if I had to I would learn on this one. But I feel angry looking at it. I really wanted to spend the next few months learning to drive, but I'm worried about spending thousands in lessons and struggling and not getting my license at the end of it. We're not going to get a second car anytime soon. Should I learn automatic anyway in the hope that we sell this car in a year? How do I get over my resentment?

If your licence is for auto then you limit your family to using the auto car for family trips where you share the driving. Not a problem if you expect him to continue to do all the family driving after you have your licence, he may be looking forward to being able to share the driving.

I understand your frustration but I feel it's unfair to turn that into anger towards your OH.
Your real issue is a financial one. You can't afford 2 cars or the ideal car. You probably can't afford to move to a better area, get the kitchen done or go on holiday....and you can't afford to be a long term stay at home mum. This is putting pressure on you to learn to drive quickly and cheaply. That's not his fault. You're both on the same side.
He's taken the lead on this one as you've asked him too. He's done his best under the circumstances. His choice sounds reasonable. Don't fight him on this one. Respect your man's decision.

Did you read my comment up thread about the cost of getting a rental car? They are newer so you are paying much more for the privilege and also in short supply. Could you afford £1500 a month for a rental? That was what we paid recently for a bog standard golf.

Personally I’d say suck it up and take a little longer to learn manually, it might just click one day.

I’ve always had manual cars but have an automatic atm. There’s been times where I’ve had a rental through work or having repairs done and all they’ve had is a manual, would rather go back to manual than be without a car. What is there is an emergency and you need to borrow someone’s car because your husband has yours?

Its personal choice but I would always learn manual, it becomes second nature even after driving an automatic for 4 years.

YABU, you've left it very late to learn to drive. I hate driving with a passion and found learning the hardest thing I've ever done (over and above a master's degree!) But I persevered as it's a necessary evil. I'm lucky I live in a city though so don't have to drive that much. One of the reasons I could never live in the countryside, having to drive everywhere would send me under.

Nothing would make me change from a manual. I hated the fact you have to redo licence if you only learn automatic so I went straight for manual that covers both. Tbh my hubby did that last year and it didn't bother me turned out he was absolutely right if he hadn't got it right away it would have sold within minutes in our area and it's turned out to be a good car aswell

I didn't even know you could pass an ' automatic only ' driving test . I thought everyone had to learn a manual .
FWIW I prefer manuals and had to wait longer to find my make on a manual . I just don't like automatics it doesn't feel like proper driving .

Of course you can get an automatic-only licence. As well as people who find manuals a struggle and/or just can't get on with them, there are people with disabilities that mean that they physically could not possibly drive a manual car.

I used to know a lovely lady whose mother had been given thalidomide during pregnancy, resulting in her arms being only a few inches long in total. She was able to drive an auto with adaptations allowing her to steer with her feet with a wheel on the floor.

Bringing a clutch and manual gears into the equation would have been unnecessarily (and discriminatorily) banning her from driving, for no reason at all. It would have been the driving equivalent of ordering somebody who cannot walk to stay in one place at all times, even though wheelchairs and other mobility aids exist.

You need a better instructor.

It took me 5 or 6 before I found one that had the right approach for me to be able to really get it.

I don't get why so many people are insisting that OP must learn manual. Automatic cars are widely available and she does not need to ever drive a manual if she doesn't want to. It's like insisting you need to learn how to use twin tub instead of an automatic washing machine. And yes I have friends who never mastered manual and got massively stressed out every time they tried, but are doing fine with automatic. While it will give you more choice to be able to drive manual as well, being able to drive only automatic is better than not being able to drive at all.

I don’t understand the argument against not passing in an automatic only. I heard that as well when I was learning to drive so I had to do my lessons and test with a manual car and I passed however my first car was an automatic and I’ve only had automatic cars since then.
DH also has an automatic car because he drives long distance even though we both have manual licences. We’ve never been limited in our choice of cars. They are a bit more expensive when you want to buy it but I’ve had my current car for 6 years so it’s not like an expense I’ll always have and I’ve never had an issue with the gear or anything even though it wasn’t bought brand new.
I remember needing to rent a car sometime ago and the automatic was only about 2% more expensive than the manual one so we still went for it.
For your Aibu, as you had a limited time and only two options, it was either the manual car or no car really as you can’t expect him to buy a car with issues just because of the gear. I’ll just focus on doing your test first and go from there.

What a rousing speech about moral fibre!

I absolutely agree. In addition, can we talk about washing machines? I’ve been using a mangle since i learned how to wash clothes. It was hard at first, took huge amounts of my physical energy and time and I really struggled. Everyone does. A lot of people think they’re super special for struggling and have switched straight to using these new fangled electric machines but I hate them. Yes they might be easier and quicker but you have far less control over washing your clothes, and the parts can easily break and are not cheap to replace. Look, a mangle might be more difficult and maybe no one else will be using them soon enough but everyone should still learn how to wash their clothes properly!

A friend of mines DS passed his automatic test a year ago. Still can’t get him a car because there are no “bangers” in auto that aren’t already fucked.

Worst case scenario OP, you’ve all lost your jobs, your lovely new auto you had has been repossessed and you have very little money and you find a job but need to drive to it, but hold on….where are you going to find the £3k needed to buy the auto you’re going to need because you haven’t learnt to drive a manual. Shame because there’s plenty of banger manuals on marketplace for £700-1000 which you could afford at a push.

You wanted to know the problems with autos, above is the dreaded scenario.

There aren’t many bangers around in manual either because of scrapage schemes.

Just learn to drive the manual. You CAN do it. It’s just practice. If you go out enough on easy, quiet roads and large empty car parks to practice just steering and changing gear you will get used to it. Then move onto automatic in future.

Also I feel it’s quite important to go out and practice with a person who is really calm and not at all a nervous passenger. If that’s not your partner, find someone else you know who is steady and calm and willing to come out in the car with you while you get used to driving.

Also, on driving instructors, if you haven’t found one you like, then do. I think it makes a difference if you at least don’t dislike your driving instructor.

What is it that you’re finding most problematic?

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam

😂 thanks for your concern. I don't agree with your logic that I should learn manual in case we fall into dire straits and have to buy an old banger. We're fortunate not to be close to that scenario.

I would agree that learning manual would be useful in case of a zombie apocalypse. Then I could drive any car available and I wouldn't have to worry about traffic lights or roundabout either.

OH needed a car pretty urgently for a long journey (and I presume he needs one just for normal life - supermarket, running kids around etc) especially now we are coming into autumn.

You driving any car is currently hypothetical as you don’t have a license (auto or manual). With waiting lists for lessons it could easily be a year until you can drive solo.

Take lessons in instructors auto car and review your car ownership when you have your license and will be able to drive it??

Take lessons in instructors auto car and review your car ownership when you have your license and will be able to drive it??

Thanks, yes I'm considering this option.

It might you ages to learn, book a test (very long wait in some areas) and actually pass first time. You can assess the situation then. Just book regular lessons for now with an instructor- which again might take awhile as there are long waiting lists again in some areas.

@Mamma13568 This really was the best option, as well as one that had been discussed and which you basically told him to go with if the cars were not equal. Hiring a car would be ridiculously expensive and a waste of money. If and when you pass your test you can sell the manual and buy an auto, but right now your dh needs a car. A sensible decision, which I think you need to come to terms with.

He's probably done you a favour because if you pass in a manual you can pick and choose which you drive in the future where if you learn in auto your stuck with it you won't be legal to drive a manual which gives you more choice in future

I get both points of view, he should have asked but now you gave this car....

In a way, it's better to learn with a manual as afterwards you will always have the choice of either, automatics are often harder to find and have more issues. Learning with a manual will probably make you a better driver.

I do get your resentment though but maybe see it as a chance to get really good at driving, then swap your car. X

… just learn to drive the manual.

yeah a little hard and nerve wracking at first but really not bad.

you are mad why? You admit you have no interest in cars, and left your husband to do the research. This is the best car he found. Sweet. Now learn to drive.

thousands on driving instructors? Just go to a rural place and practice. Maybe a friend or aquatance rather than a husband for the sake of your marriage.

first and reverse and hills are key. The rest are easy.

good luck.

Oh and maybe just rent an automatic for the driving test.

wait? Are there different licences?

anyway. Just learn in the car he bought. There is learning to drive, and then there is learning to shift gears. Just a little more practice for the muscle memory to kick in for the shifting - you really don’t think about it after a while.

then go to a country where you drive on the wrong side BUT SOMEHOW THE GEAR IS THE SAME! Oie. Mindbending! But learning is good!