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Original poster

OW or OM - are they still together, did it last?

167 replies

CookieDoughKid · 19/09/2023 22:41

My dh left me for someone 17 years his junior. We’d been together 17 years with 2 teens. He cheated on me for a year but I’m unaware of any other previous infidelities. He is now buying a house with her.

im intrigued as to whether these relationships work, if you were the OW or OM how long did you last, are you still together, was it worth it? And if you are neither, do you know if couples that started out this way and stood the test of time?

OP posts:
paimio · 19/09/2023 22:43

10 years, still together, you’d have to ask him!

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 19/09/2023 22:47

I don't know if any that are still together op and I'm sorry this happened to you.

My friend wanted me to be besties with his other woman but I just told her to fuck off.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2023 22:48

My fiancé in my 20s cheated on me with a girl at work 'who is nothing to do with the reason we're breaking up she's just a friend I don't even think she's pretty' and they are married with two kids 10 years later

EVliving · 19/09/2023 22:52

My ex left to be with OM. Since then he has beaten her up multiple times, black eyes etc. A&E and Police visits. So I guess it worked out for her.

She has ended up choosing cock over kids. Good luck.

AnotherDayOfSun · 19/09/2023 23:40

The people I know socially did stay together, but I assume part of that is because they "have to" ie they destroyed a family or two, so must make this one work. So sorry you are going through this.

DairyMilkPlease · 19/09/2023 23:42

I was sleeping with my DP for the last few months of my previous relationship. I was also mentally completely with my DP too.
It had been over for a year prior but I was trying to do the platonic-living-together-for-children’s-sake, which was getting harder and harder as he wanted me to kick him out so he could play the victim to the world so was being pretty nasty.

I hadn’t ever known what love is before meeting my DP, we have been together nearly thirty years.

LunaNorth · 19/09/2023 23:43

The ones I know are very happy ten years on, very happy eleven years on, and very happy with a baby seven years on.

Lavender14 · 19/09/2023 23:49

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/09/2023 22:48

My fiancé in my 20s cheated on me with a girl at work 'who is nothing to do with the reason we're breaking up she's just a friend I don't even think she's pretty' and they are married with two kids 10 years later

Me too! Still married with 2 kids.

Weirdly it made me feel better about things, like at least the absolute devastation he left me with wasn't completely for nothing. Plus I now have my lovely dh and lovely ds so it worked out much better for me in the long run.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 20/09/2023 00:18

Yes

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 20/09/2023 05:00

Thats why I don’t believe my friends who say my Dh’s relationship won’t last. If anything I think it is really set up to last because they met each other in a professional work capacity and because she’s 31, he’s promised her more children and the fact my dh has demonstrated he can do long standing commitments. That’s why I think it’s important to try and forgive and move on. Don’t stand in the way of him pursuing happiness and for my children, be that role model where I show that breakups don’t define your happiness. I’m in a lot of pain…..but need to let this go and try get over him asap.

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 20/09/2023 05:28

The couple I know are still together. I don’t know if they are happy. But he lost his family due to the affair so I imagine the guilt keeps them together.

Traceyislivid · 20/09/2023 05:32

‘You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.’ Marcus Aurelius,

Hecate01 · 20/09/2023 05:39

My father and stepmother have been married over 30 years. She was 16 years younger and people (mainly my mother's side) said it wouldn't last but it has and he's happy.

Equally I know people that haven't gone the distance, truth is time will tell.

HipHipWhoRay · 20/09/2023 05:40

A pair of colleagues in my dept got together (both were married), and it’s been 8 years and 2 children. They’re in love still and she gushes about him a lot, but externally wonder if they (she ) really is happy. There’s nearly 20 yr age gap, he does nothing for the kids (his oldest kids are 30s) and has clearly had them for her. He’s fairly selfish so has hobbies whilst she’s dealing with it all, and his divorce was bitter which I think gives a sense of what he’s capable of. In 15 yrs he’ll be with a 75yr old whilst she’s juggling teenage daughters.

Londonnight · 20/09/2023 05:44

I was with my ex for 25 yrs. he had a year long affair with ow ] which I later found out about ] He is still with the ow 20 yrs later

whilingawaytime · 20/09/2023 05:48

I've seen cases where it worked out and where it didn't. But I always feel it'll never be satisfactory because they don't get to celebrate and talk about their origins like other couples. I'm a very private person but it's still nice to sometimes talk about how DP and I met, and to still have our supportive circle of friends from then.

Even if they privately feel they were up against it, beat the odds to be together etc, they still know most people wouldn't see it that way and often have to be vague and evasive publicly or with friends/family.

yogasaurus · 20/09/2023 05:51

Yes, they often do last. PIL together 40 years and counting, another couple 12 years and 2 kids and happy.

‘it’ll never last’ is something friends say at the time to make you feel better (‘it’s the guilt keeping them together’ is similar), but lots are happy.

Imnoonesfool · 20/09/2023 05:53

CookieDoughKid · 20/09/2023 05:00

Thats why I don’t believe my friends who say my Dh’s relationship won’t last. If anything I think it is really set up to last because they met each other in a professional work capacity and because she’s 31, he’s promised her more children and the fact my dh has demonstrated he can do long standing commitments. That’s why I think it’s important to try and forgive and move on. Don’t stand in the way of him pursuing happiness and for my children, be that role model where I show that breakups don’t define your happiness. I’m in a lot of pain…..but need to let this go and try get over him asap.

Tbh that’s all you can do. To forgive and move on is to also set yourself free from the situation. You are a good person

HashBrownandBeans · 20/09/2023 05:55

I think lots stay together due to the sunk cost fallacy, and to prove everyone wrong. One couple I know are miserable but they’re well suited. She’s not allowed anywhere alone, there are cameras all over the house, and the arguments are so bad that the older kids end up rescuing the younger ones to get them away from it.

Uggtrending · 20/09/2023 06:01

I think it can last but it depends did the original marriage run it's course? I also think if the split is done amicable and nit so messy it's definitely easier a d quicker for all parties to move on.

I don't think it helps to start saying I'm slimmer than her or I don't think OW is pretty.

UseOfWeapons · 20/09/2023 06:02

My 1st husband left his OW after 9 years of marriage, he then left his 3rd wife after 5years of marriage. He’s now single…at the moment!

MsJinks · 20/09/2023 06:06

It may, or may not last, but it is unlikely he would change - so anything he did/didn’t do that was difficult in your relationship, most of how he treated you, then it’s going to be there for his next relationship; he’ll still be annoying? Selfish? Etc. Of course, different people in a relationship then different outcomes, but I’m pretty sure he won’t essentially change, and there may be something you can take from that.
Years ago I felt I’d been the one ‘failing’ when left for OW and it worked - I realised though he remained the same, which had caused some of our issues, but OW handled him differently. 15 years after that he behaved ‘the same’ and moved onto another OW, like a serial monogamist more than a serial shagger.
I wouldn’t focus on whether it will work, but on you and your recovery from this - maybe be bit glad she’ll have to listen to his boring stories, or put up with his selfishness, or whatever. Guess your friends are saying it’s not as perfect as it looks and they’ll split but it’s more like it’s not as perfect as it looks and she’ll have to put up with x, y, z.
Best of luck - you will get through this.

Mystro202 · 20/09/2023 06:06

CookieDoughKid · 20/09/2023 05:00

Thats why I don’t believe my friends who say my Dh’s relationship won’t last. If anything I think it is really set up to last because they met each other in a professional work capacity and because she’s 31, he’s promised her more children and the fact my dh has demonstrated he can do long standing commitments. That’s why I think it’s important to try and forgive and move on. Don’t stand in the way of him pursuing happiness and for my children, be that role model where I show that breakups don’t define your happiness. I’m in a lot of pain…..but need to let this go and try get over him asap.

What a lovely mindset to have. You are obviously a great Mum putting your children first . It must be so hard not to be spiteful and nasty towards him and ow. Well done you, I really hope you find happiness once you have healed 🥰

Bagheerabaloo · 20/09/2023 06:18

The ones I know of are still together but in quite a dysfunctional way.
1- My own ex who cheated on me in an ongoing way with my best friend behind my back. I found out he was cheating on me with a different woman and dumped him, then he got with my best friend and I found out they'd been snagging the whole time. They got married a couple of years later but I found out he cheated on her with someone he worked with, so they moved away where it just happened again and so they moved again. I'm not sure if the pattern still continued after that but I know they are still married and have been for about 15 years now.

2- my sister's long term partner cheated on her and left her for another woman. They also went on to get married and have a baby, I don't know if he still cheats but I do know that him and his wife physically batter each other sometimes and he ruined a wedding by punching the bride's uncle on his wife's say-so (she said the uncle had been cheeky by telling her she had had too much to drink and that he should punch him so he did)

3- family member of a friend, he had an affair on his wife for OW and eventually left for her. They then gone married themselves and have kids. You never know if they are going to turn up to family functions together though or if it will just be him as they are forever on and off and fighting

The only one that I personally know of that appears to be a sound relationship is my friend's dad, who had an affair while married to friend's mum, who was an alcoholic. They are still together and seem pretty solid 30 years down the line.

BurntOutGirl · 20/09/2023 06:21

My DH left me for OW. We have 2 DC. They are married 6 yrs now.

In fairness though, our marriage had been over for years. We all get along absolutely fine.

I don't bare a grudge... but maybe that's because l was so unhappy when married.