OW or OM - are they still together, did it last?

[CookieDoughKid]

My dh left me for someone 17 years his junior. We’d been together 17 years with 2 teens. He cheated on me for a year but I’m unaware of any other previous infidelities. He is now buying a house with her.

im intrigued as to whether these relationships work, if you were the OW or OM how long did you last, are you still together, was it worth it? And if you are neither, do you know if couples that started out this way and stood the test of time?

The OW I know is still with the guy 30 years later. Twice the length of his first marriage. They seem happy enough AFAIK.

Sorry wrong thread- wouldn't let me delete!

@BalancedDivorcee there are no guarantees in life. Most people don't stay together forever it's unknown how long one would have stayed married.

My ExH left for the OW 11 years ago. They're still together and still seem happy. I met someone else a year after he left and we're also very happy. In many ways I feel she did me a favour as he was a bit of a knob.

I know three couples who started as affairs, all parents of friends.

One was together and blissfully happy for 20 years until the husband died.

Another has been together 30 years and seem happy; he's a cantankerous old sod and while I get on well with him on an occasional social basis, I think his XW, who is happily single, had the best end of the deal even though it was shitty when he left.

Another is still together after 25 years or so, but the new husband has never really been accepted by the family. One of the wife's adult children didn't talk to his mum for years. Whether it was worth it, who can say.

Oh, there was another one. Left her husband for the man next door. Turned out to be an abusive, sexually creepy, utter knobhead. Thankfully she got away from him. Her XH then met an absolutely wonderful lady at work and was the happiest he'd ever been for the rest of his life.

My ex-husband had an affair and left me and our two young children for her. They are still happily (I assume!) married after 20 years together and have two more children. Our children still have a good relationship with him and their step mum and step siblings.

My ex partner (of 14 years) left me for someone else (I'm not very lucky!!) and they are still together after 6 years.

One of my good friends had an affair, she left her husband and he left his wife, they've now been very happily married for nearly 20 years.

Every relationship is different, some work, some don't, such is life.

My ex and father of one of children is still with OW nearly 20 years later.

They more children. I'm married and have more children.

I will say their relationship has been much more volatile than mine. Lots of break ups. Episodes of cheating.

Their blended family unit has had lots more issues than ours.

My marriage is much calmer. We 100% are with partners we are better suited to.

I am genuinely happier than I have even been with my life.

Personally I don't think I have to forgive my ex or his partner. They both treated me like absolute shit and made my life a living hell during their affair and afterwards.

I aimed for acceptance. Accepting the circumstances and letting it go and focusing on my child. I stopped focusing on them, their life and focused on mine.

I rarely think of either of them in my day to day life now.

Do relationships that start as affairs last? Like any relationship some do and some don't. If they last or not doesn't remove the damage they caused.

You are 100% right not to think about if it will last or not. If they broke up tomorrow it won't undo the hurt and damage that has been caused. He will have still had an affair, your marriage is still done and your children now will be co parented in seperate homes.

You are also right you owe your children the best co parenting relationship you can, but you owe him absolutely nothing. Especially not in relation to his future happiness.

You owe yourself the mental freedom and emotional ability to move on for yourself.

"You are 100% right not to think about if it will last or not. If they broke up tomorrow it won't undo the hurt and damage that has been caused. He will have still had an affair, your marriage is still done and your children now will be co parented in seperate homes.

You are also right you owe your children the best co parenting relationship you can, but you owe him absolutely nothing. Especially not in relation to his future happiness."

I think this expresses it very well.

OP you might notice that anyone who cheats and participates in an affair which breaks up a marriage never (so far as I have seen and not on this particular chat) ever come on to say/ ever comment "Yes, I caused a massive amount of pain to the family which broke up, I changed the lives of some children forever, I caused a large amount of disruption and stress to several people as a result of the affair I had with someone who was married".
What they will say is things like "I am very happy now even 50 years on" or similar, or they will say "The married person I got together with was utterly miserable before they met me so that makes it right".
They will never even acknowledge the existence of the other people who deal with the fall out of their actions.

I think the above quote from a previous poster exactly describes what you should aim for - don't expect anything from people who participate in affairs/adultery - they will never acknowledge it because that is the type of people they are and always will be.
Focus 100% on yourself and every speck of energy you find you might be expending thinking about your ex and what he has done to your relationship/life try to redirect it back onto yourself in whatever way builds you up.

They might be together for literally years and years and (unbeknown to you) that might be the price they both pay that they spend the rest of their days with a person who is capable of doing what they each respectively did.

My EXH is married now 3 years to the woman he had an affair with. It's nice that two cheating cunts are together.😉

Hi everyone, I've read each and every post. I want to thank you for being so kind and taking a few minutes out of your busy to reply. I posted this knowing that it could help others who are experiencing pain. My grief comes in waves and I will refer back to this thread frequently.

I have to selfishly admit, I want to be free of this man who has me so beholden to happiness. Overnight I lost my lover, best friend and partner in crime but an outsider would easily see he never was those things especially in the last year to year to 18 months. He freely admits, he didn't treat me well because he was didn't have the courage to break things off earlier and i guess he wanted to be secure for his future with his new partner before breaking it off with me.

I genuinely think he did love me, for best part of 15 years but he much weaker than he claimed. He claimed to be abhorrent to infidelity because he watched his mother suicidal when his father had an affair as a teen. He ended up not speaking to his father for nearly 10 years. So I struggle to comprehend how he could do that to me. But just goes to show, some people are far more of a coward than they like to let on.

I want to be amicable to both him and his new wife because I'm selfishness to want to be free of them from my mind as quickly as possible. It has taken me years to realise beinh angry is so energy sapping. My dream is to wake up one day not even thinking about them. One day i want to wake up with years gone by not seeing them. So much so, I hardly remember what they look like. I want to wake up without a moments breath or energy spent on them. That they belong to a book that has been read and closed.
And I find peace and a better fulfilling life.
Thanks all for posting, please do add if you have any interesting stories or experiences. I even appreciate hearing OW or OM view points - I just hope you never have to experience the other side.

I couldn't care less if I hurt my ex husband. Nothing actually happened until after I left him but I knew when I met my now dh I wanted to be with him.

My exh hit me, cheated on me, gaslit me constantly. Yet I never even looked at another man until I had checked out mentally.

OP, you're approach to this is very mature and I have to say, if you can find it in you to be the bigger person, I think you will find peace and happiness a lot quicker than harbouring grudges and bitterness for years on end. Extremely hard to do but I've seen people destroyed by the bitterness that eats them alive.

Well don't you sound nice?😟

Tell that to the Kids she abandoned and never sees.

"He claimed to be abhorrent to infidelity because he watched his mother suicidal when his father had an affair as a teen"

I have a theory that people who see adultery in their own parents, even if they experience for themselves enormous pain and/or see the enormous pain in other people they love as a result of that adultery, often go on to do it themselves in their adult life. Its like their family of origin has kind of said to them "Doing this is just fine, we will be ok with it if you happened to do anything like this".

That was certainly the case when my ex husband cheated on me. His own parents could have written the book about cheating on their respective spouses and the toxic hatred which resulted for years and years. He claimed to have found it traumatising and would never do it himself and then he did exactly that. Both of his own parents smiled and looked on, they never spoke or had any contact with me or his children with me from the day he walked out. Its like his parents endorsed it so there was no barrier there.

I really admire you OP I think your approach to this is great and inspite of the pain I think you have the right attitude. x

You are still basically rejoicing in someone being regularly assaulted. Not a good look for you, and it's YOU I'm telling.

I'm so sorry, just feeding back to OP what happened. Last thing I every would want is someone being assaulted. However children being exposed to that is also assault.

My dad cheated on my mum with my step mum and they are still together over 20 years later.

One couple the man cheated on the wife. She found out, they had a big bust up but stayed together. Then she had an affair too! Then, not long later, she passed away. The man is now with the affair partner. I don't know if they're happy. She is financially better off for being with him but she'd deeply insecure and always trying to get in with the family but they don't want to know.

Another couple, the man had an affair and left his wife and young dcs for an OW. The OW claimed that "it was a love which could not be ignored". They lasted a year I think. He's been single for ages and his ex is engaged. I think he's just started seeing someone new.

@CookieDoughKid it isn't selfish at all.

I understand completely, I use to want to bang my head of a wall to try shake all of the thoughts of them, conversations, having to see and speak to them much to regularly. Round and round my head it drove me mad! I didnt thankfully!

A technique my counsellor taught me to use was to try to brake the pattern was to image my self lifting the thought into a black box and shut the lid. To stop me spiralling into all the old memories.

I have spoken to him I think three times this year about our child and haven't seen or spoken to OW in a few years.

I chat with my child, ask how they are, how their siblings are so they dont feel they can't be mentioned.

But my life is so full now with family, friends, work and my own relationship to give them a second thought.

I hope you get there soon. Your right there is great peace in it.

@CookieDoughKid, 'He freely admits, he didn't treat me well because he was didn't have the courage to break things off earlier and i guess he wanted to be secure for his future with his new partner before breaking it off with me.'
That's what my XH did to me, but never had the guts to admit it.
He's been with her a long time now (never married, but are engaged???).
The fact that you've posted makes me feel that you haven't quite let this go. It's time to do that - and is very freeing if you can.
He isn't the person you thought he was, clearly, and he never will be, sadly.
It's a horrible thing to go through, but you do get to a better place in the end.

A couple of people in this situation I know seem really happy married etc years later.
I think the best thing is to hold your head high and choose to live your life the best way you can without him holding you back!

some do, some dont

No, and how I laughed. They'd been together for just under a year before I got proof, and were together for just over a year after I dumped him, so about 2 years in total. Apparently, they argued a lot, and then one day she asked him if he was cheating and he got in a strop and left.

It wouldn't surprise me if he was cheating, because he was still trying to have sex with me before I knew about her, long after she thought they were official. Also, because he blamed the person who tipped me off that he was cheating on me (they weren't involved), which implies there was something to tip the OW off about.

I've no ill will towards the OW. He is incapable of doing things honestly, so whatever he told her about the state of our relationship, if indeed he told her anything, will not have been the truth. I'm actually delighted for her that she's rid of the twat. We can both do better.

My ex is still with OW after 6 years and they have a baby. He left me with young kids, one high needs, yet friends and family have stood back and watched while he left me in grave difficulty and ran off with a colleague 18 years younger. I don’t know if they are happy but they give the illusion of it.