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Original poster

OW or OM - are they still together, did it last?

167 replies

CookieDoughKid · 19/09/2023 22:41

My dh left me for someone 17 years his junior. We’d been together 17 years with 2 teens. He cheated on me for a year but I’m unaware of any other previous infidelities. He is now buying a house with her.

im intrigued as to whether these relationships work, if you were the OW or OM how long did you last, are you still together, was it worth it? And if you are neither, do you know if couples that started out this way and stood the test of time?

OP posts:
TotalOverhaul · 20/09/2023 06:27

CookieDoughKid · 20/09/2023 05:00

Thats why I don’t believe my friends who say my Dh’s relationship won’t last. If anything I think it is really set up to last because they met each other in a professional work capacity and because she’s 31, he’s promised her more children and the fact my dh has demonstrated he can do long standing commitments. That’s why I think it’s important to try and forgive and move on. Don’t stand in the way of him pursuing happiness and for my children, be that role model where I show that breakups don’t define your happiness. I’m in a lot of pain…..but need to let this go and try get over him asap.

I think that's a brilliant and empowering attitude to have. Show your children (and yourself) that the split hasn't ruined your life, your self worth, your happiness or your prospects. `Build as good a relationship with him as you can for the children's sake and when they are staying with him, take some time to pursue your own happiness.

Toomanysquishmallows · 20/09/2023 06:29

No idea about ex dp and ow , they were together for at least four years , and had a child . But as ex dp cut all contact with dd , I have no idea if they are still together.

BlastedPimples · 20/09/2023 06:35

My stbxh is on and off with his ow. And has asked to reconcile with me a couple of times.

He says she wants him to support her as she doesn't / won't work.

Another cretinous decision by him. I know he misses his family.

heartbroken22 · 20/09/2023 06:37

Your attitude is amazing. Don't worry I do believe in karma and no one knows what goes behind closed doors. People who got together via cheating will always have that suspicion in their head...whether the other person is now cheating on them out of habit. Unfortunately those of us who have been cheated on can't find out unless we dig (there's no need to but instead live your best life).

fortheloveofjamdoughnuts · 20/09/2023 06:38

whilingawaytime · 20/09/2023 05:48

I've seen cases where it worked out and where it didn't. But I always feel it'll never be satisfactory because they don't get to celebrate and talk about their origins like other couples. I'm a very private person but it's still nice to sometimes talk about how DP and I met, and to still have our supportive circle of friends from then.

Even if they privately feel they were up against it, beat the odds to be together etc, they still know most people wouldn't see it that way and often have to be vague and evasive publicly or with friends/family.

I met my husband on tinder.... Definitely not something to talk about 🤣

BlackJumpsuit · 20/09/2023 06:39

Mine married his OW a week after our divorce, they are still married 12 years later but I gather from my adult DC that it is and always has been, a very toxic relationship. Endless arguments apparently 🤷🏻‍♀️

whilingawaytime · 20/09/2023 06:39

fortheloveofjamdoughnuts · 20/09/2023 06:38

I met my husband on tinder.... Definitely not something to talk about 🤣

Show quote history

Perfectly common (and morphing into a romantic origins story in my generation - younger) and not a shameful secret though

BethDuttonsTwin · 20/09/2023 06:43

I have tended to find that where long term marriages with children break up due to affairs, the new relationship often does work out & they stay together long term. They've created such so much turmoil and pain they have to convince themselves they truly are each other's The One and therefore hurting their prior spouses/partners/children was out of their hands.

Guavafish1 · 20/09/2023 06:47

I think in some ways it will also disappoint... but with time and realising its not your fault, you'll find you care less.

i think the majority stay together, that i know.

MumblesParty · 20/09/2023 06:54

Good friend of mine was the OW 4 times. Each time the man left his wife to be with my friend, but each time they split up within a couple of years. She’s been happily married for ages now, to a man who was single when they met.

My Dad is on wife number 4, having cheated on wives 1-3.

Goos friend of mine was the OW, still together 20 years later but they’ve never been happy and are now splitting.

monty09 · 20/09/2023 06:58

I was with my ex 15 years he cheated on me twice, same woman! Kicked him out he did move in with her at some point but she went back to her husband.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/09/2023 07:10

CookieDoughKid · 20/09/2023 05:00

Thats why I don’t believe my friends who say my Dh’s relationship won’t last. If anything I think it is really set up to last because they met each other in a professional work capacity and because she’s 31, he’s promised her more children and the fact my dh has demonstrated he can do long standing commitments. That’s why I think it’s important to try and forgive and move on. Don’t stand in the way of him pursuing happiness and for my children, be that role model where I show that breakups don’t define your happiness. I’m in a lot of pain…..but need to let this go and try get over him asap.

I agree you shouldn't fixate on 'they won't last'

Equally don't put yourself under pressure to move on quickly or dismiss your feelings you're heartbroken and that takes time to heal from. Counselling can help x

MorrisZapp · 20/09/2023 07:10

My mum has had two male partners in her whole life. First was my dad, they met at 18, married, had us.

Then my stepdad, who was a friend to both of them. My mum left my dad for him after about 15 years of marriage. They were then together for over 30 years.

My dad remarried to my stepmum and they are still together decades later, now caring for each other through various health problems. They utterly adore each other.

All four of them are close friends, and everybody attends everything as far as family events go. Nobody has ever considered any of it to be 'cheating'. They just grew apart and both found much better suited partners.

smilesup · 20/09/2023 07:11

OP your attitude is fantastic. This will mean that you won't let this define you. Your children will learn so much and you will get to enjoy your life.
My BF at schools dad left with the OW when we were 6. They have just celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary. My friend's mum was very hurt but over time became civil and eventually friends with the OW. They actually spend Christmas together sometimes. Much happier all around. In fact I think the women get on better than the with the man!
My MIL OTOH missed her son's wedding because the OW was invited, 25 years after the event. The bitterness has eaten her up. She admits the marriage wasn't happy which makes it sadder.
I would say it's OK to be angry, hurt and sad though as it is such a betrayal.

Susieb2023 · 20/09/2023 07:21

The trouble with a straw poll is that infidelity is often quite a private matter and you only get to hear about the cases where the cheat leaves and moves forward with the AP. I am on infidelity sites and the VAST majority of affairs fail. I also know one that has lasted but it stands alone.

The statistics are shocking for success rate of relationships born from affairs. 5-7% lead to marriage and 75% of those divorce within 5 years. Shirley Glass talks about this in her book. It’s well documented. Before anyone starts going on at me google it.

But it’s also, from the point of view of healing, irrelevant.

I can imagine the trauma you are going through and how life changing realising that you didn’t really know your husband is. But please be gentle on yourself. Don’t push yourself to ‘forgive’ him unless you genuinely feel that you can. Work on ‘accepting’ your new path and moving forward.

You deserve so much better than this man!

Newgolddream70 · 20/09/2023 07:30

I've had seven years to reflect since my exH left me. I blame myself really for tolerating his bad behaviour and being a pushover - maybe he lost all respect for me, I don't know. But I loved him with all my heart and was devastated when he left. He had an affair with a woman at work, he left me for her (on Boxing Day, nice) moved into her house after 6 months. Everyone said 'it won't last blah blah blah' but they're still together and appear to have the perfect family set up/life.

Runrabbitrun2 · 20/09/2023 07:36

My ExDH lasted 18 months with the OW before he cheated on her and has been with his new partner 2 years.
He is still a selfish unpleasant arse, I’m not sure how these other women keep falling for him.

Whiskyinajar · 20/09/2023 07:37

Never been an OW but was the child of a marriage which broke down for this reason.

Dad went off with OW. OW then decided she couldn't leave her DH after all and went back to him.

Dad eventually remarried.

Then five years on was having an affair with OW once more. So cheating on the new wife.

Left her in the lurch having swindled her parents out of lots of money.

Went off with OW, then eventually married her and they lived happily ever after until his death two years ago.

So yeah that one worked eventually but left a lot of trauma for many people. As his daughter I still feel the trauma to this day.

Newnamehiwhodis · 20/09/2023 07:52

The one relationship I know that began as an affair, they married, but had no trust. They were friends, and she wrote to me one day attacking and accusing me of luring her husband away! He’s at least 20 years older than I, and I was never remotely interested in him.
she distrusted him so much - and somehow, her upset was all thrown onto me, which was a major red herring, as I barely knew them, and was absolutely not interested in her old garden gnome of a husband.
they are in a fairly acrimonious divorce now.

I think since it began as an affair, she just never trusted him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Newnamehiwhodis · 20/09/2023 07:53

They were friends with friends of mine, I meant to say - “they were friends” is so unclear, sorry!

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 20/09/2023 08:05

My mum was the OW and they’ve now been married for longer than the first marriage (over 15 years) so it does happen!

Dery · 20/09/2023 08:13

“That’s why I think it’s important to try and forgive and move on. Don’t stand in the way of him pursuing happiness and for my children, be that role model where I show that breakups don’t define your happiness. I’m in a lot of pain…..but need to let this go and try get over him asap.”

You’re absolutely right, OP. This approach will free you up. Hoping things go wrong for him will keep him in your thoughts and is an unhelpful use of your emotional energy. So what if it doesn’t last, anyway - you presumably wouldn’t take him back. So the fate of his relationship is kind of irrelevant. Your friends mean well but don’t let them talk you into bitterness. The only person that hurts is you.

Daffodil18 · 20/09/2023 08:44

My step grandad had an affair with my grandma and have been married for 45 years. He didn’t love his wife but they had 2 children. One of his kids is still off with my grandma now. So even though they have a mostly happy marriage, the affair part still has never left their story. So I think it can last but will forever have the stain of how they got together.

Flakey99 · 20/09/2023 09:02

No. He's not still with her.

We were together 12 years when my ex had a fling with a younger woman at work (who was also in a relationship). He was definitely flattered by the attention and the fact she was foreign and deemed desirable by his colleagues.

After I sold the house and moved away, they split up and he's now with someone else and has a child with her.

According to a mutual friend, he realised they had very little in common other than sex and he decided to focus on his career and got a promotion elsewhere. Don't know if he met his new partner at work as I don't keep in touch with his old friends now.

When I was selling the house he did visit and want to get back with me telling me it was all a silly mistake, but I told him to F off.
That was very enjoyable. 😂

Highlighta · 20/09/2023 09:07

My ex cheated on me numerous times, and I eventually gave him the boot (he had too many chances).

He was off and on with the last OW, and then they decided to get married. From what my dc tell me (they are older and only see him if they really have to as the relationship there is very soured). They met up for an occasion and when they got back home they said it was so bad and uncomfortable.... the radio was on but there was no sound..... As he forgot their first anniversary!!! 😂😂

And who says Karma isn't real...😋

(she was married at the time as well btw)