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Original poster

OW or OM - are they still together, did it last?

167 replies

CookieDoughKid · 19/09/2023 22:41

My dh left me for someone 17 years his junior. We’d been together 17 years with 2 teens. He cheated on me for a year but I’m unaware of any other previous infidelities. He is now buying a house with her.

im intrigued as to whether these relationships work, if you were the OW or OM how long did you last, are you still together, was it worth it? And if you are neither, do you know if couples that started out this way and stood the test of time?

OP posts:
Ringsofsaturnarebright · 21/09/2023 08:14

@millymog11 "They will never even acknowledge the existence of the other people who deal with the fall out of their actions."

That's because they have an empathy chip missing and no emotional intelligence. To them the betrayed party is just someone who stood in the way of 'true love' and are no more than collateral damage

Cheaters have affairs because they are looking for an external solution to an internal problem (real or imagined) in the primary relationship.
What they forget is that they have 50% responsibility for that problem as they make up 50% of the relationship.
So when they leave for another person they take themselves along.

Invariably they end up with "the same book with a different cover".

That is one reason why so many of these relationships based on deceit fail.

Daffodilwoman · 21/09/2023 08:17

I know 2 women who had affairs with older ( though not as big a gap as your h) married men. Both are now happily married. For one of the men his children never spoke to him again so he has paid a heavy price.
I have a friend who’s ex married the ow. There wasn’t a big age gap. They are still together but when he got drunk he confessed he had messed up.

Daffodilwoman · 21/09/2023 08:18

Also one day you will thank this hapless ow. Good luck op.

caringcarer · 21/09/2023 08:45

I found out my exh cheated and kicked him out. He went to OW. She left her DH. It last about 6 weeks. He kept texting and trying to come back and I think she found his phone begging to come back. She kicked him out too.

user1469779776 · 21/09/2023 09:23

My son and I were friends with this couple in their 50s and the husband was suddenly studying German (we live in Dublin). Next thing I found out he moved out and has moved to Germany with his OW. I was so sorry for his wife but he left the family and moved to Germany and seem blissfully happy about 7 years later. It probably helps that he is a successful business man, would OW have ran away with a poor man, not sure, but who am I to judge. Sometimes they do leave their wives. I was shocked at the time as he seemed a real family man.

BarrelOfOtters · 21/09/2023 09:26

I know quite a few very long term, 30 or more years, relationships that started as affairs.a common theme is the original couple married young….

Dery · 21/09/2023 10:22

@CookieDoughKid - it’s not selfish to want to be free of thinking about your XH and the OW - or rather, if it is selfish, it’s a perfectly healthy and natural selfishness. You’re right to want that for yourself. Healthy grieving is one thing - you’ll have feelings you need to feel to get beyond them. But bitterness only harms you and keeps you stuck.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 21/09/2023 10:43

@Dery Thank you

OP posts:
millymog11 · 21/09/2023 11:28

Ringsofsaturnarebright · Today 08:14
Absolutely spot on, could not have expressed it better myself.

millymog11 · 21/09/2023 11:33

"For one of the men his children never spoke to him again so he has paid a heavy price."

I do think that often the children from the first marriage never speaking to the parent who left again because of what they did is actually a happy outcome for spouse number 2, however much they might say at the initial stages to their affair partner "I will be a great step parent, don't you worry, I love your kids, we will get along great" etc, once they are married to the person they were having an affair with and most especially when they have their own children with the person who was their affair partner, the total death of their husbands relationship with the children from the first marriage is a happy coincidence which they are content to see happen.

They see their husband as resources for them and their child so obviously children from an earlier marriage are just a burden on what they regard as should be 100% theirs.

If those children from the first marriage never speak to their dad (or mum depending on which parent had the affair) again, then so be it! (the outcome they always wanted).

Often the spouse who has lost touch with his children from his first marriage is so dead-behind-the-eyes by that point as well that they don't care either. That might sound cynical but I have seen it many times.

Toomanysquishmallows · 21/09/2023 12:30

@millymog11 . Sadly you have described exactly what happened with dd1 and my ex.

Daffodilwoman · 21/09/2023 13:43

millymog you are correct.
People will deny it but many, many ow & OM are happy when their partner loses contact with their dcs.
In fact this has reminded me of a woman I once knew. She told me her step mother never allowed her it her sibling into her house, ever. They had to stay in the garden even if it was raining! Her pathetic father stood by and allowed this. Guess what? Neither her nor her sibling are in contact with their father. Result for the new wife.

defaultresponsibleadult · 21/09/2023 13:59

The two men that I know in my social circle who bailed from young families for OW - are still together. Both the blokes, once they have a drink or two in them at any social event we go to will tell you unequivocally that the grass was never greener and they regret it.

I feel embarrassed for them.

CornishGem1975 · 21/09/2023 14:32

defaultresponsibleadult · 21/09/2023 13:59

The two men that I know in my social circle who bailed from young families for OW - are still together. Both the blokes, once they have a drink or two in them at any social event we go to will tell you unequivocally that the grass was never greener and they regret it.

I feel embarrassed for them.

I've heard this said approximately 10000 times on MN and I never believe it because it just doesn't happen. Men rarely go around bleating about their relationships.

whilingawaytime · 21/09/2023 14:34

CornishGem1975 · 21/09/2023 14:32

I've heard this said approximately 10000 times on MN and I never believe it because it just doesn't happen. Men rarely go around bleating about their relationships.

Show quote history

? Lots and lots of a certain type of men slate their wives/relationships after a drink or two.

Uggtrending · 21/09/2023 14:35

@defaultresponsibleadult even if it didn't work for ever. There is a good chance that the relationship was in a shit place and needed to end. People have even stated they are glad as they then went on to meet someone better and had kids too

defaultresponsibleadult · 21/09/2023 14:45

CornishGem1975 · 21/09/2023 14:32

I've heard this said approximately 10000 times on MN and I never believe it because it just doesn't happen. Men rarely go around bleating about their relationships.

Show quote history

I am pleased that in your social circle that is not the case.

In mine it categorically is. Very recently I got stuck in the corner of a restaurant booth on a night out while one them vomited a word salad of how sad he is with beery breath (after the OW texted him to come home)

Alwayswildatheart · 21/09/2023 15:14

I know of one OW who thought she'd bagged her MM. He promptly went back to his wife after 2 weeks (no children involved)... he apparently realised what a dreadful mistake he had made in the cold light of day and remains married.

Another was a married OW who left her family behind to be with MM, who promptly cheated on her with the ex wife. She now is single, family want nothing to do with her and MM still married to original wife.

Lastly a single colleague at work, pensionable age had an affair with a man 14 years younger, told everyone they were going to be together - as were apparently 'soulmates', waited 18mths for him to leave, then resigned herself to mistress status and was finally dumped by script writing MM, who again stayed with wife of 26 years. Despite us all warning her it would end in heartache, she just wouldn't believe it and was quite vengeful towards his wife, who should have reported her to police tbh

The only bloke who I know who left to be with OW left her after 2 years for another OW, who he's also cheated on. Ex wife still claims OW did her a favour as she is free of her Walter Mitty ex and deliriously happy with new husband in her life.

Can't think of anyone that made a go of it, married their affair partner and sucessfully settled down long term.

millymog11 · 21/09/2023 15:41

"Men rarely go around bleating about their relationships."

Yes they do when they have had a pint or two and their wife/husband at that time is not listening.

UndercoverCop · 21/09/2023 15:44

DH and I first kissed at 16, he had a girlfriend. He told her and broke up with her the next day.
We didn't become a couple until we were 25 but we're now married with DC and hurtling towards 40. Not sure you can really consider that an OW scenario though.

Susieb2023 · 21/09/2023 15:45

Really common when I was working in a bar for men who’s had affairs to lament about grass not being greener. Often to younger men, in a ‘don’t make the mistake I did’ kind of way.

frazzledasarock · 21/09/2023 15:45

My FIL is still with SMIL who he got together with as an affair. She became pregnant and he then left MIL for her. They’ve been together longer than FIL & MIL were together.

He’s past the age where he can have affairs easily now. SMIL puts up with a lot of crap from him which MIL wouldn’t do. SMIL is also wealthy and from a social sphere that FIL aspired to, being a working class lad done good.

Mabelface · 21/09/2023 15:57

My ex and ex friend are still together nearly 8 years on, but it's definitely not happy and they're on the brink of separating. He's very aware that the grass was brown and dry, rather than the green he thought it was. As for the ex friend, well, I always said be careful what you wish for, as it may just come true.

I'm currently very happily single.

Livinghappy · 21/09/2023 15:58

To them the betrayed party is just someone who stood in the way of 'true love' and are no more than collateral damage

Ime it's the men who lack empathy for their spouse that end up replacing OW with someone else when the grass isn't always greener. I know a few couples where the man is staying because he doesn't have opportunity to find a replacement as he works with OW. Another is staying as financially it's advantageous.

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 21/09/2023 16:08

Sebock · 20/09/2023 11:00

The ones who have had "exit affairs" have all stayed happily married. The ones where the man is just a serial cheat have not. All affairs aren't created equally. Saying it won't last is something trotted out to make the left partner feel better.

Absolutely spot on.

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