OW or OM - are they still together, did it last?

[CookieDoughKid]

My dh left me for someone 17 years his junior. We’d been together 17 years with 2 teens. He cheated on me for a year but I’m unaware of any other previous infidelities. He is now buying a house with her.

im intrigued as to whether these relationships work, if you were the OW or OM how long did you last, are you still together, was it worth it? And if you are neither, do you know if couples that started out this way and stood the test of time?

The one I know of didn't last. The man's wife found out and kicked him out, but the OW refused to leave her husband and they eventually moved away.

Tbh I think the man continued loving the OW even though they weren't together. He wasn't very well suited to his wife (not that that makes it ok).

When I was selling the house he did visit and want to get back with me telling me it was all a silly mistake, but I told him to F off

It is like they are from another planet.... this happened to me as well. And I think this pisses me off more than anything else. Like how very dare they wreck peoples lives so badly and then try to waltz back in like nothing happened.

Mine said he really liked being married to me....WTAF. What else could I reply except to say 'well you really fucked that one up didn't you".

My ex and his OW are still together a decade later. She looks just as unhappy as I did when I was married to the idiot. Meanwhile my second marriage is a very happy one.

My DF cheated on my mum with OW when I was 6 (39 now), they are still together, had 3 more kids. I wouldn't say they are happy as such as he has cheated on her as well (twice I think) but they stayed together.

@Susieb2023
The statistics are shocking for success rate of relationships born from affairs. 5-7% lead to marriage and 75% of those divorce within 5 years. Shirley Glass talks about this in her book. It’s well documented. Before anyone starts going on at me google it.

Do you think it's because a lot of affairs are actually people pushing the self-destruct button on an unhappy marriage? They haven't got the balls to come out and be honest and say "This isn't working, let's split" - so they rewrite this narrative where they COULDN'T HELP THEMSELVES BECAUSE TRU LUV but then once they're out they're like "Thanks for the push getting out of that but actually I'm off to find something better"?

In my case I can say that I left a long term partner for my husband, we went on to marry and were together 5 years before splitting. My ex went on to marry someone he met very quickly after I left and as far as I'm aware they are still together. It was a terrible relationships but I couldn't bring myself to call time on it, I was very codependent and believed I "needed" a partner to "rescue" me.

A different ex (after my marriage) left our 4yr relationship for another woman - they got married about 2yrs later and again as far as I'm aware they are still together.

The ones I know:

One set: she left her husband, got married to OM, and they're still happily married after nearly 25 years.

The other set: he left his wife, got married to OW, then they both cheated on each other and split up, then they split up with their new affair partners, and basically both now have very shitty and unenviable lives.

@Flakey99 I love your story. Especially the last sentence.

Left my husband for someone else. The marriage had been dead for some time but I hadn't found the courage to properly end it. Still together 11 years on, married with a kid. It was worth it.

I was the OW, he was the OM as we were both married at the time. We both owned up (didn't get 'caught') when we decided to leave our marriages. Got married, had children, still together many years later and happy.

Has it been easy - no? Do we have to work at it - yes. Probably harder than my first marriage which I think backs up some of the statistics. But then second marriage stats themselves tend to be a bit dire and I think it's partly down to not putting up with so much shit second time around. I lumped a lot in my first marriage, but would I do that now? If I was genuinely unhappy? Not a chance, I'd get a lot sooner second time around as I've learned a lot.

I don't believe the 'once a cheater, always a cheater' trope that is wheeled out either. People have affairs for lots of reasons. Yes, some people like to shag around and those people probably will cheat again, others there is more of an emotional connection, for others it was an exit affair - an escape plan if you like.

My DH left for a much younger woman.
7 years on they are still together, with a 2 year old.

They seem committed but not massively happy, but then that's partly because of the Mother- Who is an absolute toxic mess. I see OW now tolerating all the toxic shit I thought I was stuck with for the rest of my life.... it is so wonderful being free!

I've moved on and am far happier with my new husband than I ever was with ex, and no toxic MIL to deal with. Im also past the young kid stage, so have plenty of adult fun and freedom, while he is knee deep in nappies. I also learned a lot and had a bit of a rebirth from the therapy I did during divorce.

.... so, while it was devastating at the time, I'm delighted it happened... my life is much better now..... I'm not sure he would say the same, but if he would, it's all good.

People loved to tell me that my husband and my best friends adulterous relationship would not last and that relationships built on lies and cruelty will never prosper
I think that is crap
Sometimes joint guilt and having alienated everybody else glues couples together
As does her being very wealthy as in my case

Thanks. 😂

Due to the stress of it all (plus my mum dying at the same time), I virtually stopped eating for a while and lost over 2 stone so became very thin.

A friend took me in hand for a makeover, haircut and I went out and bought some new clothes, leather biker jacket, tight jeans etc. (it was the 90's!), and I definitely looked hot.

I think ex was pretty shocked by my transformation. 😂

@CookieDoughKid you sound absolutely amazing and a brilliant role model for your children.

I was the OW. We're still together 15 years later, happily married with dc. Neither of us had dc with our previous marriages.

You can have an emotional connection with someone though and not cheat. You end the first relationship before you start the other, it's really simple.

There are two sorts of people who have affairs IMO. The first lot (mainly men) who think they are entitled to have their cake and eat it (or as you put it those that like to shag around) and the second lot (mainly women) who aren't that happy in their relationship but don't have the self self esteem to end it and move on so they have an affair so they can move from emotional dependence straight on to emotional dependence with someone else. Of course in their eyes it's true love and as you call it 'an escape plan'. Neither bodes well for a healthy functional relationship.

Yes, they are married with children now. Looking back she did me a favour as we just weren't compatible at all.

Sorry but that makes no sense at all. Guilt would have been something to feel at the outset, it's not a sticking plaster to keep a couple together.

Everybody, without exception, cites that people who have affairs are selfish. That being the case, they wouldn't stay together unless they both wanted to.

I think that some of the worst things said are the ones 'kindly meant', eg. vacancy for a mistress, or - they stay together because they've ruined two families. Neither are true and the sooner that people stop splattering these stupid sayings around, the quicker other people heal.

I know one couple who are still together 34 years later and another at 31 years.

Many decades ago a friend was OW - they were happily together for nearly 40 years until he died.

The wife he left went on to marry someone very rich and they were together for around 30 years, both dead now.

Ex wife.
they were together a for few years after we split until he cheated on her.
His ex wife told mine she was welcome to him as he was a serial cheat so they deserved each other.
But my sister has been with her 2nd DH for 20 years having cheating on her 1st DH who she admitted she had never really loved.

My ex dh split with the OW about a year/18 months after I found out and our marriage ended. Only he can say why really but my opinion is that although the attraction of a 12 years younger, child free woman was strong when it was all sneaking around, the reality of it for both of them when they were free to be a 'proper' couple didn't match up. He had the messiness of separation/divorce/financial matters along with having two traumatised pre-teens 40% of the time and she was just at a completely different stage of her life.

I'm sure there are plenty of relationships which started as affairs which are going strong years later but I'd always assume that if he did it with me, he will likely do it to me at some point.

I was married to my late husband for 46 years. His ex wife had three very long term relationships and married twice more. I have three stepchildren from his first marriage (now in their 50s) and we had another child together. He was very young when he first got married (under 21) and needed his parents permission back in those days.

My ex husband is onto his 5th wife ( l was his second) .. we are early 60s. There is still time for him to find a 6th and 7th and 8th and 9th and 10th.🤣

My ex partner cheated on me for tow years without me knowing with a friend's sister. They got together and have been together for 35 years now. They have grown up children aa well as grand children. They appear happy and, to be fair are better suited than me and him.

The ones who have had "exit affairs" have all stayed happily married. The ones where the man is just a serial cheat have not. All affairs aren't created equally. Saying it won't last is something trotted out to make the left partner feel better.