OW or OM - are they still together, did it last?

[CookieDoughKid]

My dh left me for someone 17 years his junior. We’d been together 17 years with 2 teens. He cheated on me for a year but I’m unaware of any other previous infidelities. He is now buying a house with her.

im intrigued as to whether these relationships work, if you were the OW or OM how long did you last, are you still together, was it worth it? And if you are neither, do you know if couples that started out this way and stood the test of time?

My father left my mom and then ended up, after the break but fairly quickly after the break, living with another woman whom he later married. She was younger and everything went swimmingly until she inevitably wanted children. He did not and then the infidelity between them BOTH started. So yes, it lasted(ish) but not forever.

Ex left me for OW who was his ex from back in the day. Slugged it out with her for nearly 25 years then he got caught messaging another female. OW number 1 threw him out, he lived with Oaw number 2 for 4 months then she put him out cos it affected her benefits!. (Obvs discovered what he was like). Moved back to OW number 1 but raked about on dating sites till he found one with a house!!!. Probably still looking for another sicker.

My Mum had an affair while married to my Dad. It came out and my parents remained together for a while, as did OM and his wife.
Each couple split a while later, living seperately. Mum and OM resumed their relationship and are together 20 years later. Squabbles and ups and downs like any marriage but generally very happy together

OP you will get a lot of replies from people with a vested interest in the scenario described so you will not get an objective cross section giving insight into likely longevity or otherwise in your situation. (note I have said longevity and not "happiness" of the relationship in question).

What I have observed is a lot of examples of what previous posters have described, namely the departing spouse does actually know deep down (however much it appears they don't or they hide it / deny it to themselves) the utter and total devastation they have walked away from.
This acts as a massive catalyst for bloody well staying in the new relationship they are now in whether or not they or the person they are now in a relationship with are indeed happy or it was all they anticipated it would be.
Both the spouse and the OM / OW feel this conspiratorial urge to stick together, sometimes but not always fueled by other people saying things like "you made your bed you lie in it".

Also these types of relationships are fueled by the kind of things relationships which don't start as an affair are not fuelled by.
For example, where there is a large age gap (as there is in your case and there often is with married men running off with younger (10 years plus younger)) women, there is often a very obvious almost cringe attraction of older person has money, stability, status, and (if he is a man) the means and track record to have babies and pay for expensive luxuries. This is often what the younger partner wants. Or the only thing the younger partner wants.
Those factors of attraction can go on for years and years and often decades. It is not a love story, it is a mutual transactional understanding which binds two people together for a very long time.

Expect that new relationship to last a very long time or maybe forever. But it is very different (i want to say cynical/transactional but there is probably a better word for it ) type of relationships if it started as an affair

My dad is still with my mum's ex friend 30 years later.

Nope! He left me for OW and they stayed together 4 years and bought a house together. OW got pregnant and he left her for another woman before the child was 1. He lost the house, ended up living back at home with his mum and he doesn’t see his second child. As OW moved away with her new partner (who it turns out she was also seeing behind his back) and now the child calls new partner dad and has no clue who my ex is. My ex now has a baby with the new woman (who also left her marriage for my ex), so I’m waiting to see how long he lasts in this relationship.

Same with my friend. He left her for OW and within months she was pregnant… He’d bought them a new house. Got engaged…Took her on little trips away, showered her with gifts… all the things he never did for my friend in the 6 years they were together. Anyway 18 months later they’ve split up and she’s moved out.

Also my ex’s dad left his mum for another woman (apple didn’t fall too far from the tree) and they were married 20+ years before he left her for a woman he worked with. He left his job to start a business with the new woman, invested all his savings and it all went tits up and he ended up no job, no house and no partners and none of his kids talk to him.

I’m a firm believer that karma gets everyone, even if it takes years. Also believe that if a relationship starts with cheating then it will end with cheating!

My ex DP broke things off with me after 5 years, insisting there was no one else. Of course there was, but she didn't know she was the OW as he was presenting himself as single. A couple of months later she found out about my existence and chose to keep seeing him.

Heard from a mutual friend 6 months on from that they'd split up because he quote 'didn't want a relationship' and she seemed to assume they were in one and had expectations of him. He dicked around with other women for a bit - and tried to hook up with me - then got back together with her. Last I heard they were on holiday in Italy and he's putting gushing posts on Instagram about 'she's so good to me.' So at least it's clear who was paying for the trip ...

So yes, they're still together almost 2 years on, but it appears he's the same lying, narcissistic freeloader he ever was!

I was married when I met my now DH but I was already wanting to end the marriage.

9 years and 2 kids later we are still going strong.

Never listen to anyone who says it won't last. They are words to make you feel better but don't actually have that effect at all. I haven't been an ow but know of 3. 1 has been married almost 30 years to their ow (longer than the marriage he was in during the affair), another lasted almost a decade so far (again longer than the original marriage) and the other didn't last. 2 out of 3 ow are actually really lovely people even though what they did wasn't right in my eyes. The third that didn't work was actually a really nasty piece of work so I'm not surprised it didn't last

My dad 😂 with my mum for 17 years cheated on her with someone 10 years younger but they are still together to this day (20 years later) and have two kids. Very hard to deal with at the time because both parents acted terribly as did immediate families --noone thjnking of us three kids. BUT I will say my dad and his partner are very well matched, as is my mam and her partner (of nearly 20 years also)
My mam and dad are SOOO unsuited I truly can't understand the initial attraction and everyone gets on great now, my mam buys presents for my siblings and they got each other cards with money inside for each others recent big birthdays.

Why did your friend want you to be besties with the ow? What a strange friend! @Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy

I was in the process of getting a divorce lined up for my exH (he didn't know) due to 'unreasonable behaviour' - wouldn't do anything about the house, ED that he wouldn't address, snide remarks, stonewalling, put-downs etc.

Then I found out he was cheating with someone 12 years younger, which made it a lot easier, I just asked the solicitor to tweak the papers a bit.
I sued for divorce named her and the solicitor wrote and asked him to move out. (divorces were different then) and he was gone within a month.
8 years later they married when she was pregnant.

He told me later that "he loved her more than he ever loved me" but "he respected me more". If what I had from him was "respect" I'd sooner dip out, thanks, and told him that.

They have been together 25 years now and have 2 kids. (We didn't have any, thank goodness) so I suppose you could say it has "stood the test of time".

Longevity isn't any measure of happiness, though.

Not always... I was the OW, we were together for 14 years, married for 5. Then he cheated, and left me for another woman (oh the irony!). We divorced and he's planning to marry her so maybe it's 3rd time lucky for him!
I was heartbroken but ultimately now I feel ok about it. We didn't have children together so that probably helped as I had no reason to see him/them

Of the three I know of, the first are still married after 30 years, but I'd not describe them as happy. When they got married the new wife banned his kids from the first marriage from their house. It all got messy, but things are OK now.

The second, their marriage lasted just over a decade (they both cheated and left previous marriages), but he cheated and left her for OW. Although did come crawling back when he decided that he didn't like his new set-up (actually having to parent his kid from the first marriage). Not that she had him back, although she did take care of the kid.

The third didn't last long at all as the exW committed suicide and the guilt put an end to that.

But well done OP for not letting bitterness consume you. You deserve a happy life and should not be dragged down by this.

@millymog11 interesting that you have taken that from the thread. Many people have shared their actually experience or people they know of. In fact quite a few have mentioned its people they know of so in that case they don't really have a horse in the race.

@millymog11 I think you've pretty well nailed it there with your very astute post.

"Also these types of relationships are fueled by the kind of things relationships which don't start as an affair are not fuelled by.
For example, where there is a large age gap (as there is in your case and there often is with married men running off with younger (10 years plus younger)) women, there is often a very obvious almost cringe attraction of older person has money, stability, status, and (if he is a man) the means and track record to have babies and pay for expensive luxuries. This is often what the younger partner wants. Or the only thing the younger partner wants.
Those factors of attraction can go on for years and years and often decades. It is not a love story, it is a mutual transactional understanding which binds two people together for a very long time."

This ^ sums it up neatly.

Eventually the 2 swanky holidays abroad a year, granite kitchens, designer clothes and other luxuries will dry up as the older man will be retired waaaay before the younger woman.

She will end up being a carer for a senile, incontinent old man.

In my sitch I wish exH's OW joy of it. (She was 12 years younger)

Me, I remarried years later to a younger guy. Wahay !

My ex-h Bob cheated on me with Sarah and eventually married her. 3 children later and he left Sarah for Marge, an Aussie who lived in Singapore.

It was a total clusterfuck - he literally upped and left having bigamously married Marge 9mths earlier. He obviously loves weddings and has an interesting understanding of the law as he tries to bigamously marry Sarah before we got divorced.

I’ve no idea if Bob and Marge are still together but if they are it won’t last. He’s not capable of monogamy.

Yep I left my then partner of 7 years after meeting my now husband in work. I admitted the affair and moved in with work colleague immediately.
23 years and two children later it was the very best thing I ever did and he’s truly the love of my life. I’m not embarrassed by it, why would I have wanted to stay in an unhappy relationship just because it’s the right thing to do. I’d have wasted my life if I’d stayed.

Interesting take. I was married once before DH. Not the result of an affair. My current marriage is far far better than my first. Full of love and trust that was never there in my previous marriage. I know it's not what the ex partners of the OW/OM want to hear, but genuinely happy relationships can and do develop from affairs.

Ringsofsaturnarebright · Today 13:35

has it.

doriangraysportrait · Today 13:59

is what I meant in my first post when I said "OP you will get a lot of replies from people with a vested interest in the scenario described so you will not get an objective cross section giving insight into likely longevity or otherwise in your situation. (note I have said longevity and not "happiness" of the relationship in question)."

Self confirmation bias of the actions and choices you took is a thing.

I am not saying dorian is not happy, but i am saying he/she took the time and made the effort to make that post saying that affairs which result in the destruction and pain of a previous marriage/family can result in happiness for the person who is a key part of that destruction.

I don't think anyone should stay in any relationship where they are not happy.

However, surely the mature and reasonable thing to do is to tell the other party and agree to split.

Having an affair and sneaking around, lying and deceiving another person doesn't cut it for me.

My cousin (military) cheated on his wife with someone he met who was based abroad with him.
The wife found out and divorced him. He then married the ow, they both left their careers, got a house, 2 children and started jobs in civvy street.

OW wife changed jobs after a while and then had an affair with a married colleague who also had a child. OW wife and my cousin are now going through a very messy divorce. Cousin was moaning about how he couldn't believe his OW wife cheated on him. I told him what goes around comes around. He was also a cheat who didn't give two hoots when he was doing it so how can he be a hypocrite when his OW wife did it to him. Neither have any respect for the vows they took.

OW wife has since broken up with her OM and is now with someone else who also left his wife and 2 young children to be with her.

It is very messy and the only ones I feel sorry for are the wronged wives and the children on the middle of all this madness.

First wife is now very happy. Owns her own house, business and is in a long term relationship.

Cousin is now back in the military and wishes he never cheated on first wife in the first place.

I'd agree with this. I think once they've destroyed a family unit, wider family have distanced themselves, financially tied themselves to each other there is an element of "I've made my bed...."

Multiple people n my exHs family have said they've never looked at him in the same way again and they all think he seems miserable but 'trapped'. They say OW is very controlling due to lack of trust (wonder why 😂) and he sucks it up for an easy life

I'm genuinely happier and not too bothered other than I hope he is happy & stable in order to set a positive example for our shared dc.

@doriangraysportrait I agree 100%.