OW or OM - are they still together, did it last?

[CookieDoughKid]

My dh left me for someone 17 years his junior. We’d been together 17 years with 2 teens. He cheated on me for a year but I’m unaware of any other previous infidelities. He is now buying a house with her.

im intrigued as to whether these relationships work, if you were the OW or OM how long did you last, are you still together, was it worth it? And if you are neither, do you know if couples that started out this way and stood the test of time?

Not a huge sample size, but all of the people that had affairs are still with their partners. One married (never wanted children), four married with children, one unmarried with children. I don’t actually know any that have broken up. My friend said it made her feel better, as it wasn’t a random fling.

Thought you were talking about someone I know then, until you said successful business man 😅

@millymog11 Are you a counselor or psychologist because your posts are so insightful and observant. I've really enjoyed reading them.

Hello OP.
I am not a counselor or psychologist but I have been through something similar to what I think you might be going through and you have my full thoughts and empathy/sympathy.
In my case my ex husband and I had been married for 14 years and he had just turned 40 years old (trigger for him) and he left me for his colleague who was (only!) 12 years younger than him. On the day he left we had two children aged 4 and 5 which have since basically lived with me (he sees them occasionally) and he has now married her and they have a 4 year old. This is many many years/ moons ago.
Sorry for hyjacking your thread, I did not mean to make it about me at all. The similarities (long marriage/relationship of origin and leaving for someone a lot younger usually in midlife) always sounds familiar to me.
When my ex husband left he came in the kitchen the night before he left whilst I was washing up and told me he thought he was having a classic midlife crisis. I kind of engaged in the conversation although the hell which followed as a result of various actions over the years has made it basically impossible for me to have anything other than the most essential of communication with him which is very infrequent.

The fact his (now) wife is so much younger than him was not and is still not insignificant. You can know your own marriage is not perfect and still look at what your spouse is walking into and think "this is a car crash I am watching play out infront of me". And it was and still is a car crash. I actually believe him after all these years that he felt powerless to resist it. It doesn't make it better tho or compensate for all the destruction. The fact that they married just under 4 years ago but my children now report that my ex husband is actively talking about separation / divorce from his now wife does not actually make me feel any better about what we have gone through for all these years.

The best advice I can give you is to take every bit of energy you have and deliberately force yourself to redirect it onto yourself. If you are feeling angry, take that anger and redirect it to something nurturing healthy and life affirming to yourself - exercise is good. If you feel he has taken money off you, get really fastidious about your budget / the money you have to spend on yourself going forward/in your future and make it all 110% about you. If he takes up loads of your time putting you through the divorce from hell, deliberately carve out extra time to nurture yourself however that looks (friendships, reading books whatever makes you feel affirmed). You get the idea. View all the energy and resources you spend as a result of his departure as wasted time/energy which you now jealously guard and protect for yourself. You owe him nothing, the outcome of his new relationship (good or bad for him is irrelevant) is not your responsibility in any way. The phrase "you made your bed and now you lie in it" is exactly how you should view him. I say that not to dishonour your marriage in anyway, no one can take away the good bits of the 17 years you were together but now its your time. xx

Sebock
The ones who have had "exit affairs" have all stayed happily married. The ones where the man is just a serial cheat have not. All affairs aren't created equally. 

I think this misses out one major category that I hear about over and over.... that my own experience falls into, and OP's and is described beautifully just below by @millymog11

....that's the 40-something, mid life crisis, unbelievably compelled by a normally much younger woman' ..,feels explosion of their previously dwindling manhood, and tells themselves they have discovered the true love of their life' type. They are not serial cheaters just after the sex. But neither were they in bad marriages lacking the impetus to leave. They were in typically pleasant, but normal relatively unexciting real-life marriages, with the reality of kids, that have been basically gappy for many many years. In the context of increasing anxiety around their manhood/lives slipping away etc. they meet and fall for someone who makes them feel very alive, they wrongly attribute their malaise to their relationship, and the promise of a new beginning, which appears to reset how they feel about themselves, is utterly compelling.

I think quite often these ones do go on to be with the OW for a good few years - partly because it IS a love connection, partly because there is social pressure to show it was a love worth all this suffering .....but I think after a few years, once all the glimmer has worn off, especially if they end up having new children (as an older parent), they realize they are feeling just like they did before - except worse, with more stretched finances, more complex lives balancing multiple children and homes, and often with a partner they have less true compatibility with and less deep trust (and whose youth now makes them feel OLDER not younger!) . Those are the ones who I think moan over their beers in the pub.....

BraveGoldie
"I think this misses out one major category that I hear about over and over...."

Yes very true.

"they have less true compatibility with and less deep trust"

This has always amazed me about my ex husbands new wife and the fact he chose her.
Their whole relationship seems to have been a pattern of her being animated and excited about trying new things (at the start it was mainly holidays/travelling but over the years it has been all kinds of eclectic stuff, only one example being the phase she went through where she had half a dozen pet rats in quick succession). These phases come and go, and often after a few years are never heard of again.

Anyway the point is their relationship seems to be him sitting at home (or basically at work as his job is very demanding and well paid) and paying for these things for her. Now they have a child she does not seem to want to look after the child much so my ex husband has paid for a round the clock nanny. She spends a lot of time (on her own so far as I can tell from what my children say) away from home at seaside resorts trying out things like paddle boarding with her new group of friends.

She has asked my ex husband to go but obviously at 52 years old i suspect he does not want to try to fit into that crowd, who knows.

This is what I mean by there being very different types of dynamics which keep these relationships together compared with other relationships which start without any cheating and are more age aligned.

But OP, I strongly suggest you do not try in any way to influence the path he is on, even if you could I would imagine it is not worth it but most likely nothing you do or say will change anything he has already or is about to do. On a personal level I have never spoken to or even acknowledged in the street in passing his new wife, on the rare occasion I have seen her I have blanked her (she shouted something like "Good for you" in the street at me, cannot remember now). It is wasted energy.

Hence the stuff in my last post about jealously and with as much energy as you can muster guarding all of your health, energy, resources, money, time, decisions, future plans, even the little things - make them 100% about you. What do you really want to do now you have total autonomy? What little things did you adapt /not do when you were married to him which you think are more your style? Do them! now is your time.

Great post milly mog

I have to say that my ex dp left me through an exit affair . I am now with someone I love far more than I ever loved my ex , however when we split I was utterly destroyed.

Out of five marriages in which I know for certain infidelity was involved, only one husband left for OW and us still with her.
Agree with other posters that there are exit affairs, the husband wanted out before he met OW and she was the catalyst, the primary relationship really was over in all but practicalities, there are serial cheats who never stick for long with anyone or they stay married and their wives choose not to see, and there are cheats for whom it was a one-off who regret it and never do it again. The dynamics and way affairs play out/ the scripts are all pretty much depressingly similar, but the reasons/ outcomes are all different. No two people are the same, cheats or not. Some last, some don’t.

My ex cheated on me with one of our best friends, who he went to church with.

They're still together as far as I'm aware, but he won't marry her because of how they got together and he apparently still hides they are together a decade later. They have kids though. Why she puts up with him I'll never know!

@millymog11 I think that scenario is so common. Men realise that life for most is essentially a bit Groundhog Day and they suddenly feel very old , someone comes along who looks at them like they are fresh and exciting and not in a 'you still haven't put those shelves up' way and laughs at stories the wife has heard a million times before and the bloke suddenly feels puffed up and the big I am again- then convinces himself it's the love of his life. It most often isn't- it's just fresh, new and enthusiastic- by the time they realise it isn't all that , the shit has hit the fan and he has left or wife dumped him or wife stays but no longer trusts him fully.

1st partner - no
Ex husband - no
3rd partner - still with her, 15 years later
4th partner - got back together with his ex wife. Lasted about 3 months.
5th partner - no, she died, sadly.
As far as I know, my subsequent partners didn't have OW! Mind you, I kept all recent partners casual and incredibly short term.

@millymog11 Great posts and very insightful. Your description about midlife crisis is compelling. You seem like you're in a very good place. This is life goals!

I feel better about myself today having completed a few things I really wanted to accomplish . I want to be a good pianist, good at my job, be a good mum and friend.

I loved reading each of your stories and posts and I know I will refer to this thread often.

BraveGoldie I think you have hit the nail on the head there.
I’m always puzzled when older men have second families with the ow. I believe it is the woman’s decision in the majority of cases and the man just goes along with it. After all, he has swapped one life of (what he perceives to be) boring monotony for another.
My neighbour was using online dating sites and she said the number of men aged around 50 who had had second families and were now back on the shelf, but with the added baggage of a small child was huge. She wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole.
I think it’s a pretty common scenario.
I also think , even though many affair partners stay together, we don’t truly know if they feel more pressure to stay together.

@Daffodilwoman After all, he has swapped one life of (what he perceives to be) boring monotony for another.

How true !

When we first split up my exH told me his OW was complaining that "he was trying to make her more like me". I made some non-committal remark while trying very hard to keep a straight face. After all, it was me he didn't want! - work that one out? 🤔

My DF left DM for a 19 year old when he was early 30s. Bought a house together, had 3 children and got married within the first few years. Married 20 years and the OW cheated on DF and left him. Turns out she had remortgaged the house and spent all their savings behind his back. He did nothing. She is still with OM 15 years later and DF has remarried a lovely woman his own age. Third time's a charm.