False accusations from bf - please help me rise above it

[IrvineScot]

My bf suffers with his mental health, and when he's feeling low, he tends to make false accusations which trigger arguments.

He's working away, and last night we were chatting on whatsapp and he sent me details of a holiday we've been considering. There are some issues with the holiday that I think are better discussed over the phone rather than on whatsapp - he was in the pub, and I was about to go out - so I messaged "Something to think about - I'm just heading out, let's chat about it properly tomorrow x".

We chatted some more, he got in a huff and accused me of shutting down communication and going incognito. I said that was ridiculous and unfair, and that it was just something that is better to discuss on the phone today rather than by whatsapp when we're both out.

I then sent him lots of messages and pics during the evening. He ignored them all. I heard nothing from him all evening. When I got home, he accused me of having shut down the conversation and disappearing to the pub.

It simply isn't true. It's all there in black and white on whatsapp.

He had also posted something nasty on my facebook - which I had to delete. Yes we are both grown adults.

How on earth do I deal with it? I cannot cope with false accusations - I literally don't know what to say when he's accusing me of something so totally untrue. When this happens I usually spend hours and hours trying to convince him to see sense, and eventually the dark clouds clear and he does see reason. But I just don't have the energy for it any more. It didn't happen. It's all there on whatsapp proving it didn't happen.

How do I rise above this and not get dragged into a weird argument manufactured from his own insecurities?

You end it. He's gaslighting you. This is not going to get better.

End the relationship now.

I don’t know how long you’ve been together but I’d be ending it, couldn’t deal with that. Mental health problems don’t give you carte blanche to be a dick.

Why would you even be in a relationship like this? You’re worth so much more, relationships shouldn’t be full of drama

Dump him. Why are you choosing this life?

Get rid

I support him with his mental health wobbles. I love him very much, and I know this is a symptom of his low self esteem.

But it really impacts on me. I find it very difficult to cope with.

The problem is I usually get dragged into the argument, and end up defending myself. When I really have nothing to defend myself over. Ive done absolutely nothing wrong. I need to find the strength to step away from his attempts to manufacture an argument.

His behaviour isn't a mental health issue. It's who he is.

It might feel shocking to hear, but this is abusive. Making you out to be the bad person, trying to make you feeling guilty for being a bad person. Silent treatment when you don't behave the way he wants you to.

You should end this relationship, it will only get worse.

He's awful.hard work.
Relationships aren't supposed to be like this.
He posted stuff on your Facebook page.
Is that the work of a loving and supportive life partner? No. It's the opposite.

Get rid of him now because he's revengeful and it'll only get worse.

You need to step away from this relationship full stop.

This is not a healthy dynamic.

What has happened previously in your life/relationships to make you think that it is?

Dump the man and do some work on your self-esteem, whether that means counselling or just being single for a while and working out how you want to live your life (without false accusations and propping up people with issues).

Happy people don't stay in relationships like this, that's why they're happy.

This is indeed a long pattern of behaviour that happens regularly and has done for years.

I'm not going to end it over him having a huff over messaging. I understand why everyone says I should - I'd be saying the same. But the reality of people's lives are very different.

I just need to find a way to quash the argument and rise above it so that we get past it.

End the relationship imagine having children or sharing finances with a man who won't admit he was being dramatic/anxious/wrong and work on ways to prevent it happening
Just defensive for no reason
Why should you find the strength to drop it when he should find the strength to not comment in the first place? So you're continuously trying to manage him and nkae yourself smaller/silent when he accuses you
Obviously his accusations will get more dramatic and worse and he will take issue with your silence as he just wants an argument to make u feel shit about going out/not responding
I suggest you look up attachment theory/people pleasing and see if anything resonates

Block him when he starts if you insist on staying with him and pandering to him
See how he reacts and if he thinks he was being unreasonable
Why don't you troubleshoot his communication problem together? The fact ur not a team speaks volumes and no mention of apology

He usually does see sense and apologises in the end. I just don't have the energy to spend hours and hours getting him to that point any more. I've done it so many times.

Usually it's harder if its an accusation that I've said or done something in person. Harder to prove that I didn't. But this time - it was all on whatsapp. There is no disputing what I said and what he said. No disputing the fact that I messaged him all evening and he ignored me - NOT the other way round as he alleges.

It's so totally deluded that I find it hard to cope with. When he says something that is so blatantly untrue.

Oh dear, op. You think you can change his behaviour. What training and experience do you have that makes you think you have the ability to change an adult's behaviour? Especially an adult who has no problem with their own behaviour?

This is indeed a long pattern of behaviour that happens regularly and has done for years. I'm not going to end it over him having a huff over messaging

it is an’ing pattern of behaviour. You cannot change that. He will change you though. You wont want the arguments and the unpleasantness so you will lower and lower your expectations that you have of him. And he will get worse and worse.

But the reality of people's lives are very different.
actually, theyre not. And that is why people are telling you to leave him. You think your relationship is special and different, but it is not different to the many women before and after you who have fought to try to change a wanker. You can’t.

I just need to find a way to quash the argument and rise above it so that we get past it.
and the. It happens again. And again.

the best thing you can do is only ruin your own life. Only limit yourself to this man. Do not have children with him. Do not subject children to this.

He's abusing you.

Other men are not like this. This one is, however.

Though equally OP you wholly contribute to the situation. Ask the question a different way: is your relationship healthy for him? Because it doesn't sound like it either. Patterns of behaviour are repeating, not improving.

You aren't helping him, and you are sacrificing yourself at the same time.

You need a wake up call I'm afraid.

youve posted again in the time i replied.

look, op, look at what YOU are doing. And ask yourself why you are spending hours arguing with a gaslighting liar.

book yourself in for some counselling and discuss it there. Why are you actively choosing this? Discuss it fully. Are you punishing yourself? Low self esteem?

This sounds awful.
I would be not messaging him at all from now on, and would be planning a different holiday with a different person.
If you really feel this is not the time to end the relationship, then you need to sit down and have a conversation about what is unacceptable behaviour. A private disagreement is one thing but posting something horrible on Facebook is obviously unacceptable. Please don't let him treat you like this. Establish some boundaries.

Oh, sweetheart, is this how you had envisioned your life growing up?

It will be so until you walk away.

You cannot be a "rock" to someone who's floundering without being dragged down yourself.
You deserve a much better future for yourself.

I'd get some counselling to work out why you feel the need to "save someone".

This is a vicious circle that will keep happening.

if it’s not you it will be in his next relationship too.

walk away. You deserve better,

What makes you think you can change this? You say yourself it’s been going on for years. Presumably you’ve been trying a variety of approaches over the years. It sounds like he blows up out of nowhere. You can’t prevent it happening. Nothing you’ve tried so far has worked.
The reason people are suggesting you leave him is because there’s really no other way to stop this from happening. He knows what he’s doing. Regardless of MH issues, this is abusive behaviour.

He will not change. You can blame his mental health all you like but this is him showing you his true colours.
See the red flags that are staring you right in the face and leave now.
This will only get worse.

Understand it may be small but they all add up and this is just the tip of the iceberg, from my experience. I didn't listen to my gut and put it down to mental health, moods and got married, had kids. It didn't stop, it got worse and manifested and I got isolated and trapped in an abusive marriage.

It doesn't matter how much evidence you have, it does not compute and it happens again and again until eventually you find yourself a shell of the person you once were.

They are never to blame, there's always an excuse and eventually you'll start excusing it too just to keep the peace. Peace that never lasts.

People who are genuine do not treat others this way, no matter how small the situation is.

I think I always fall into the same pattern of getting dragged into the pointless argument. I just want to find a way to go - nope. I'm not engaging in that, it's ridiculous.