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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

False accusations from bf - please help me rise above it

157 replies

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:23

My bf suffers with his mental health, and when he's feeling low, he tends to make false accusations which trigger arguments.

He's working away, and last night we were chatting on whatsapp and he sent me details of a holiday we've been considering. There are some issues with the holiday that I think are better discussed over the phone rather than on whatsapp - he was in the pub, and I was about to go out - so I messaged "Something to think about - I'm just heading out, let's chat about it properly tomorrow x".

We chatted some more, he got in a huff and accused me of shutting down communication and going incognito. I said that was ridiculous and unfair, and that it was just something that is better to discuss on the phone today rather than by whatsapp when we're both out.

I then sent him lots of messages and pics during the evening. He ignored them all. I heard nothing from him all evening. When I got home, he accused me of having shut down the conversation and disappearing to the pub.

It simply isn't true. It's all there in black and white on whatsapp.

He had also posted something nasty on my facebook - which I had to delete. Yes we are both grown adults.

How on earth do I deal with it? I cannot cope with false accusations - I literally don't know what to say when he's accusing me of something so totally untrue. When this happens I usually spend hours and hours trying to convince him to see sense, and eventually the dark clouds clear and he does see reason. But I just don't have the energy for it any more. It didn't happen. It's all there on whatsapp proving it didn't happen.

How do I rise above this and not get dragged into a weird argument manufactured from his own insecurities?

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 17/09/2023 12:55

But he doesn't want to step back - that's at least part of the point - because he's getting what he wants; destabilising you emotionally, controlling how you act before, during and after these events, you on eggshells. You must have been so hurt when you saw the nasty thing he posted about you. He thought about it, wrote the words/item and left you to deal with the outcome.

This.

Think about whether his behaviour is truly the result of mental health issues.

Or whether it reflects the hard wired, long term lessons he's imprinted on how he gets what he wants in a relationship. How he keeps the balance of power with him.

You currently seem like you can't see the wood for the trees.

Original poster
IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 12:58

Tangelablue · 17/09/2023 12:49

I think the timing of the argument is interesting. You where about to go out and that's seems to be when he started. U said u usually would spend hours reassuring him, does that mean you would normally change your plans? Does he tend to have issues with you socialising?

Yes the timing is relevant. He doesn't have issues with me socialising as such, but he believes that I should be willing to message him constantly while I'm out - while I think it's rude when people are glued to their phones when they're sitting at a table with others, so I refuse to do that.

He then argues that he does that to talk to me when he's out - but I never ask him to. I have no issue with him going out and saying he'll say hi when he gets home. None whatsoever. It's normal.

However that isn't what happened last night. I simply told him that we'd be better discussing the holiday over the phone today when we had more time.

OP posts:
BonnieLisbon · 17/09/2023 13:00

This sort of thing isn't normal in a relationship and decent men aren't like that, but obviously it's up to you if you want to stick with it.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/09/2023 13:03

You sound worn out OP, further to my post up thread, disengage when he starts arguing, walk away, let his shout into an empty room, but to be honest…I’d seriously consider leaving him. He is abusing you, this is abuse.

nobodysdaughternow · 17/09/2023 13:06

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:38

He usually does see sense and apologises in the end. I just don't have the energy to spend hours and hours getting him to that point any more. I've done it so many times.

Usually it's harder if its an accusation that I've said or done something in person. Harder to prove that I didn't. But this time - it was all on whatsapp. There is no disputing what I said and what he said. No disputing the fact that I messaged him all evening and he ignored me - NOT the other way round as he alleges.

It's so totally deluded that I find it hard to cope with. When he says something that is so blatantly untrue.

This is an ongoing problem which won't improve. He wants you to doubt yourself and allow him complete control. This isn't a manifestation of low self-esteem or poor MH. He leads you to believe that so you don't question his authority.

Also, he is shutting you down. And he knows it, which is why he so quickly accused you.

Stay with him by all means but don't bring kids into this abusive shit show.

BonnieLisbon · 17/09/2023 13:09

Yes, it's your choice to stay but not fair to inflict it on kids.

Jellybean23 · 17/09/2023 13:13

You've already put up with this for years and he hasn't improved. Unless you are prepared to leave him, you'll always get what you already got. You can't change his behaviour , only your own. I can't see any long term happiness for you by staying with him.

Frith2013 · 17/09/2023 13:16

What a waste of your life.

Bearpawk · 17/09/2023 13:20

You're in an abusive relationship op.
Why do you want to get past it (and wait for the next blow up) instead of away from it ?

For the record, my partner has had some serious MH issues for the last 20 years and he manages not to abuse me.

GasDrivenNun · 17/09/2023 13:24

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:52

Yes - when I've tried telling him I'm disengaging - he sees that as me being hurtful and nasty.

He regularly blocks me on whatsapp and uses it as a weapon. So I won't do that, as I believe in treating people how I'd like to be treated.

He has turned on his whatsapp privacy thing today so I can't see when he was last online, and he can't see mine. It's weird and unsettling. I don't do this to him.

Why on earth are you putting up with this behaviour from him?
Life is too short. Time to leave this relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2023 13:25

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:49

I understand what everyone is saying. But I'm not ending the relationship.

I just need to get through today and need some support to do that please.

You're asking for our help to be codependent. Our help to manage your feelings so your BF can continue to control you. Our help to make you the boiling frog. Our help to be OK with abuse.

Someone can struggle with MH AND be a controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, unpleasant dick. You'd be ending the relationship for the second part, not the first.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/09/2023 13:26

And I regularly give advice on here about assertiveness and communication. But not so that someone can stay in an abusive situation.

OuiRagamuffin · 17/09/2023 13:28

Wow, how awful. He may be working on himself but he still expects you to be available to chat on HIS schedule. You heading out is taken as a rejection. Geez. I wouldn't be able for that.

He is basically telling you what your words mean. Ie, you said ''I'm heading out now'' and he distorted that and told you what you meant by that and then got angry about that.

AuntieEsther · 17/09/2023 13:31

This is a dreadful relationship and nobody responsible should be giving you tips to manage staying in it.

One day hopefully you'll see that and liberate yourself.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 17/09/2023 13:44

You have allowed him to persuade you that you need to disprove his accusations when you both know they aren't true and are an apparent symptom of his MH issue.

He needs to do something other than use you as his whipping post.

You need to ponder the idea that maybe he is actually emotionally abusive as well as having MH issues.

Or you just carry on desperately trying to find ways to disprove to him something you both know he made up to hurt you.

You do have choices.

Lolapusht · 17/09/2023 13:52

@MrsTerryPratchett All of this. IP, your BF isn’t the person you want for a relationship. You’ve listed several things that you find unreasonable or rude or that you wouldn’t do because you find them unacceptable.

If they’re not things you accept for yourself, why are you willing to accept them from your boyfriend?

The things you’ve listed are big ticket items, not just minor irritancies. My DH usually leaves the fluff from the tumble drier in the counter. Drives me mad, but it’s the other end of the scale to demanding your attention when you’re with other people or causing arguments then stonewalling you.

If you want to stay in this relationship (and maybe work out why you’re willing to accept such shoddy/abusive behaviour) then you need to drop the ropes and go get rock. You don’t engage. AT ALL. You say your piece and that’s it. You don’t argue or justify or explain. If he’s not as abusive as he appears, he’ll soon realise there’s no point in being unreasonable and will alter his communication. The other option is that once he sees he’s not getting a reaction he’ll increase the tantrums to get you back into line.

pictoosh · 17/09/2023 13:56

Oh it's frustrating knowing that an abuser's script is being played out while the victim is determined to fix it, get to the bottom, make him see the light, find the right set of words to get through to him...or simply be able to shoulder the abuse more stoically.
I don't want to be rude to you OP because it's not your doing...but you are blind blind blind. The only thing that will reveal is a few more years of this shit.

autienotnaughty · 17/09/2023 13:57

You are not his emotional punch bag
Mental health isn't an excuse to verbally abuse someone
You know you didn't do the thing he's accusing you of. He's trying to gas light you.

You need to end the relationship and work on your esteem. It won't get better. It will probably get worse.

OuiRagamuffin · 17/09/2023 13:57

@SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth So true, I've been in a relationship like this where our normal became my having to present the evidence that meant I could be believed beyond reasonable doubt.

I left in the end obviously and he didn't approve of that, so it was very difficult to leave without his ''understanding'' of why I was leaving. but our dynamic suited him so he was NEVER going to say ''ok, you're right, I've been making your life hell pulling you over the coals for 7 years''. The focus was all on my behaviour, my perceived faults, what my words apparently meant and he, not I was the judge of what my words meant. It was utterly exhausting and yet impossible to leave because he had it set up that I needed to back up every decision I made, every feeling, every intention with proof beyond reasonable doubt. YKWIM??????

@IrvineScot you have to walk away from this dynamic.

pictoosh · 17/09/2023 13:58

If his anxiety means that he demands your attention even when he's not entitled to it (like when you're with other people that matter to you such as friends) then punish you for not conceding to him, he can take his anxiety and fuck off can't he?

Wanttobekind · 17/09/2023 14:00

For gods sake just leave. Mental health difficulties don’t mean you can behave like a dick. What you’ve given as an example is controlling and gaslighting. Have some self worth and ditch him.

Starlightstarbright2 · 17/09/2023 14:01

I am going to suggest you look at the freedom program - with MH issues and abuse the lines get blurred.

my ex had mh problems it helped me understand what was and wasn’t ok despite mh problems .

You need boundaries for yourself.

PaminaMozart · 17/09/2023 14:06

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/09/2023 13:03

You sound worn out OP, further to my post up thread, disengage when he starts arguing, walk away, let his shout into an empty room, but to be honest…I’d seriously consider leaving him. He is abusing you, this is abuse.

Absolutely this.

You can leave now - or in 20 years, after he has ground you down completely. Your choice.

Frogger8395 · 17/09/2023 14:11

You know you could ignore his attention seeking and lying. You don’t have to respond. But I think you probably know that if you do, he will ramp it up and it will get worse because he enjoys the conflict.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 17/09/2023 14:16

It's possible to have MH issues and to be abusive at the same time.

Sounds like that's what's happening here.