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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

False accusations from bf - please help me rise above it

157 replies

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:23

My bf suffers with his mental health, and when he's feeling low, he tends to make false accusations which trigger arguments.

He's working away, and last night we were chatting on whatsapp and he sent me details of a holiday we've been considering. There are some issues with the holiday that I think are better discussed over the phone rather than on whatsapp - he was in the pub, and I was about to go out - so I messaged "Something to think about - I'm just heading out, let's chat about it properly tomorrow x".

We chatted some more, he got in a huff and accused me of shutting down communication and going incognito. I said that was ridiculous and unfair, and that it was just something that is better to discuss on the phone today rather than by whatsapp when we're both out.

I then sent him lots of messages and pics during the evening. He ignored them all. I heard nothing from him all evening. When I got home, he accused me of having shut down the conversation and disappearing to the pub.

It simply isn't true. It's all there in black and white on whatsapp.

He had also posted something nasty on my facebook - which I had to delete. Yes we are both grown adults.

How on earth do I deal with it? I cannot cope with false accusations - I literally don't know what to say when he's accusing me of something so totally untrue. When this happens I usually spend hours and hours trying to convince him to see sense, and eventually the dark clouds clear and he does see reason. But I just don't have the energy for it any more. It didn't happen. It's all there on whatsapp proving it didn't happen.

How do I rise above this and not get dragged into a weird argument manufactured from his own insecurities?

OP posts:
Morewineplease10 · 17/09/2023 11:48

This is abusive op.
It's not something to see past or get past.
You are in an abusive relationship.

I had 17 years of that bullshit, only he was a hell of a lot more subtle and sneaky than your Prince!

No one is going to be able to give you coping strategies for dealing with abusive behavior.

Read up on silent treatment and gaslighting.

Original poster
IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:48

Eventually he sees sense and usually apoligises. I just want to get to that point without me having to spend hours and hours arguing with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:49

I understand what everyone is saying. But I'm not ending the relationship.

I just need to get through today and need some support to do that please.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 17/09/2023 11:49

It doesn't matter if you don't engage, I spent a decade not engaging into pointless arguments with my wife. The not engaging is still seen as engaging to them.

The end result is, they cannot coexist peacefully they thrive on the drama and chaos and what that does to you as a person.

They may not realize they are doing it in some cases but they do not take responsibility or change, regardless if they apologize it's empty.

TapDancingEverySyllableFromEarToEar · 17/09/2023 11:51

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:48

Eventually he sees sense and usually apoligises. I just want to get to that point without me having to spend hours and hours arguing with him.

Imagine your 8 year old child having to spend hours and hours trying to get their dad to listen to them.

There's no future with this guy. He's always going to be like this. It's not his mental health, he's an arse.

Original poster
IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:52

Yes - when I've tried telling him I'm disengaging - he sees that as me being hurtful and nasty.

He regularly blocks me on whatsapp and uses it as a weapon. So I won't do that, as I believe in treating people how I'd like to be treated.

He has turned on his whatsapp privacy thing today so I can't see when he was last online, and he can't see mine. It's weird and unsettling. I don't do this to him.

OP posts:
Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/09/2023 11:52

Just stop digging, by this I mean, you know the truth and this time you have proof of it. So stop tying yourself into knots, it’s up to him if he believes you or not. “I know what I said and it’s there in black and white”.

Cowlover89 · 17/09/2023 11:53

you leave the bastard

Original poster
IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:53

Yes thats' what I said to him last night.

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 17/09/2023 11:54

You say you’re not going to end this relationship over him “having a huff over messaging”, and then in the next breath say you don’t have the energy to spend hours and hours shutting his hysteria down. So which one is it, OP? The two statements don’t equate.

Has he made any efforts to get help to stop this happening?

Original poster
IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:54

Sorry my post was in response to Daffodilsandtuplips post. I did say to him last night "I'ts all there in black and white"

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 17/09/2023 11:55

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:48

Eventually he sees sense and usually apoligises. I just want to get to that point without me having to spend hours and hours arguing with him.

But you can't OP, because that isn't what he wants.

He wants the argument.

He wants you to spend hours working out how to appease him.

He wants to abuse you by blocking you and behaving this way.

So, you only have one way to stop it. And you don't want to do that.

How do you expect this to end?

continentallentil · 17/09/2023 11:55

You need to end it OP.

This is abuse and it will get worse and worse.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 17/09/2023 11:56

I think you need to take a step back and realise how dysfunctional this is.

You have a grown ass man posting nasty things on Facebook because he thinks he isn't getting enough attention. Not to mention the sulky silent treatment.

I don't know where along the line that some people equate mental health issues as an excuse for poor behaviour. Millions of people suffer from mental problems and don't abuse others.

Why are you allowing him treat you like this?

Original poster
IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:57

Thebigblueballoon · 17/09/2023 11:54

You say you’re not going to end this relationship over him “having a huff over messaging”, and then in the next breath say you don’t have the energy to spend hours and hours shutting his hysteria down. So which one is it, OP? The two statements don’t equate.

Has he made any efforts to get help to stop this happening?

He's having a huff. I'm not spending hours and hours trying to get him out of that huff.

Yes he has counselling - not nearly often enough in my opinion. I saw this coming yesterday in some other comments he made, the red flags went up before he had this huff. That is the point he should have recognised in himself that he needed to step back, arrange more counselling and remove the target from my back

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 17/09/2023 11:57

Although you don't want to end it, which I understand as I was in the same situation, all of it is abuse. Emotional and psychological, and it's working because you're seeking advice on how to cope.

Fast forward years down the line, if you get married and have children it ramps up like crazy. Now imagine not only getting silent treatment but being triangulated with your own children, being treated like a ghost in your own home unable to interact with them because they have been weaponized.

It does not matter how you respond to the situation at the time, they see it as a slight. They always come up on top that is how it must be.

mymeatballsmymeatballs · 17/09/2023 11:57

Why won't you end it? What are the positives of this relationship?

jannier · 17/09/2023 11:57

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:38

He usually does see sense and apologises in the end. I just don't have the energy to spend hours and hours getting him to that point any more. I've done it so many times.

Usually it's harder if its an accusation that I've said or done something in person. Harder to prove that I didn't. But this time - it was all on whatsapp. There is no disputing what I said and what he said. No disputing the fact that I messaged him all evening and he ignored me - NOT the other way round as he alleges.

It's so totally deluded that I find it hard to cope with. When he says something that is so blatantly untrue.

So how many times do his Huffs coincide with you being away from him or busy?
Does he go to counseling,?
Is he using his mental health as an excuse for also being emotionally abusive?

ZadocPDederick · 17/09/2023 11:57

I just need to find a way to quash the argument and rise above it so that we get past it.

On the face of it, if you haven't found it so far you're not going to.

I just want to find a way to go - nope. I'm not engaging in that, it's ridiculous.

Have you tried doing that? Say to him "Look, you and I both know that you have endless form for making these totally ridiculous, baseless accusations and having to come and admit you were wrong and apologise. You know that this is just another of them. I am not going to engage, you will have to work it out for yourself." And don't walk away, but just carry on with your life and decline to get into any further discussions.

Olika · 17/09/2023 11:58

End it or this is how it will be for the rest of your life

Original poster
IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:59

ZadocPDederick · 17/09/2023 11:57

I just need to find a way to quash the argument and rise above it so that we get past it.

On the face of it, if you haven't found it so far you're not going to.

I just want to find a way to go - nope. I'm not engaging in that, it's ridiculous.

Have you tried doing that? Say to him "Look, you and I both know that you have endless form for making these totally ridiculous, baseless accusations and having to come and admit you were wrong and apologise. You know that this is just another of them. I am not going to engage, you will have to work it out for yourself." And don't walk away, but just carry on with your life and decline to get into any further discussions.

Have you tried doing that? Say to him "Look, you and I both know that you have endless form for making these totally ridiculous, baseless accusations and having to come and admit you were wrong and apologise. You know that this is just another of them. I am not going to engage, you will have to work it out for yourself." And don't walk away, but just carry on with your life and decline to get into any further discussions

This is exactly what I need to do. THank you

OP posts:
jannier · 17/09/2023 12:02

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:57

He's having a huff. I'm not spending hours and hours trying to get him out of that huff.

Yes he has counselling - not nearly often enough in my opinion. I saw this coming yesterday in some other comments he made, the red flags went up before he had this huff. That is the point he should have recognised in himself that he needed to step back, arrange more counselling and remove the target from my back

Show quote history

So he's not going to change your not going to leave him and any children you have are going to grow up in what is a controlling environment thinking that is how relationships should be one abusive one placating. Maybe part of you likes this?

MammaTo · 17/09/2023 12:11

Couldn’t think of a worse way to spend my life tbh. Walking on egg shells and stalking WhatsApp privacy settings to see if my partner had blocked me. Its not a life.

Soontobe60 · 17/09/2023 12:12

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:29

I support him with his mental health wobbles. I love him very much, and I know this is a symptom of his low self esteem.

But it really impacts on me. I find it very difficult to cope with.

The problem is I usually get dragged into the argument, and end up defending myself. When I really have nothing to defend myself over. Ive done absolutely nothing wrong. I need to find the strength to step away from his attempts to manufacture an argument.

No, it’s a symptom of him being a dick!

Moonlightonthemoor · 17/09/2023 12:13

"I just need to find a way to quash the argument and rise above it so that we get past it."
But OP you can't. This is a pattern that's been going on for years and your bf wants this pattern to continue (maybe subconsciously). If he didn't, he would stop.

Your bf needs to admit there is an issue and make a commitment to you to get therapy to address this. Otherwise the pattern will just repeat.

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