False accusations from bf - please help me rise above it

[IrvineScot]

My bf suffers with his mental health, and when he's feeling low, he tends to make false accusations which trigger arguments.

He's working away, and last night we were chatting on whatsapp and he sent me details of a holiday we've been considering. There are some issues with the holiday that I think are better discussed over the phone rather than on whatsapp - he was in the pub, and I was about to go out - so I messaged "Something to think about - I'm just heading out, let's chat about it properly tomorrow x".

We chatted some more, he got in a huff and accused me of shutting down communication and going incognito. I said that was ridiculous and unfair, and that it was just something that is better to discuss on the phone today rather than by whatsapp when we're both out.

I then sent him lots of messages and pics during the evening. He ignored them all. I heard nothing from him all evening. When I got home, he accused me of having shut down the conversation and disappearing to the pub.

It simply isn't true. It's all there in black and white on whatsapp.

He had also posted something nasty on my facebook - which I had to delete. Yes we are both grown adults.

How on earth do I deal with it? I cannot cope with false accusations - I literally don't know what to say when he's accusing me of something so totally untrue. When this happens I usually spend hours and hours trying to convince him to see sense, and eventually the dark clouds clear and he does see reason. But I just don't have the energy for it any more. It didn't happen. It's all there on whatsapp proving it didn't happen.

How do I rise above this and not get dragged into a weird argument manufactured from his own insecurities?

@MrsTerryPratchett has absolutely nailed it with this:

“You're asking for our help to be codependent. Our help to manage your feelings so your BF can continue to control you. Our help to make you the boiling frog. Our help to be OK with abuse.

Someone can struggle with MH AND be a controlling, manipulative, gaslighting, unpleasant dick. You'd be ending the relationship for the second part, not the first.“

This is so true. That’s why people are advising you to leave. You can’t expect posters to recommend tactics to you for staying with an abuser. The constant calling while you’re out is also abusive. It’s sad you’re so determined not to consider leaving but you no doubt have your reasons. But btw, it would not be you leaving over one strop. It would be you leaving after years of mistreatment. Mistreatment that has led you into therapy. You’re having therapy to deal with being in this relationship. You putting up with this shit is bad for him too.

You have your reasons for staying but I hope that you’ll reach a place where you decide they are outweighed by your reasons for leaving.

He's training you never to go for nights out for fear he will accuse you of something.

It's abuse.

He may well have mental health issues, sure. So? Why does that excuse abuse? It doesn't.

You need to ask yourself why you are staying with a man who treats you like shut. You're not a therapist. You're certainly not his therapist.

Leave.
There's no excuse for abuse.

As is, it sounds like he's just a standard, cluster b personality disorder wanker who tries to blame his shite behaviour on 'mental health issues' so you'll feel guilty for telling him to jog on.

You shouldn't. He's a dick.
Run.

Does he do this to other people as well as you? Friends, family members, colleagues? If not, this isn’t a mental health problem he can’t help. He’s choosing to act a certain way with just one person.

Ps: he only wants you to THINK he is insecure.

That's what abusers do. Try to convince you they are insecure so that you get stuck in a cycle of trying to prove your love/innocence/loyalty/goodness/trust in them.

It's not insecurity. It's control.

If you've ever found yourself thinking 'if only I could just find the right words to make him understand' ...you are in an abusive relationship.

It's not him that needs to understand - its you.
He is conning you.
He's not insecure, he's controlling.

Insecure people try to change THEMSELVES.
Controlling people try to make you change you.

I agree you shouldn't just write him off if you love him and want to support him. Maybe look at some professional methods for identifying his patterns of communication and facing them together with outside help. Journalling works so well for me. Only you know how much he might be willing to find a way but I admire that you want to continue with him ..Good luck

I'm really sorry op but he sounds abusive.

MH problems can be used as an excuse for abusers.

But even if he genuinely has MH problems, do you think that gives him a right to abuse you? Do you think you should put up with abuse because he's ill?

If he has health problems that make him abuse people, he has a duty to seek professional help, and to avoid close relationships until he's sorted himself out. Whereas he seems happy to continue abusing you, with the odd 'sorry' thrown in belatedly, to reel you back in again.

You really should walk. You say that love means staying with someone when they're ill. But what if he hit you 'because of his MH problems'? What if he cheated 'because of his MH problems'? Surely you would have a point at which you would say 'that's no excuse. I deserve better.' Why not now, before he makes you lose sight of who you really are, and you can't remember when you were last truly relaxed and happy?

"He had also posted something nasty on my facebook - which I had to delete."

Oh my god, OP. Leave now - you don't owe this p.o.s. ANYTHING. Just end it.

"How do I rise above this and not get dragged into a weird argument manufactured from his own insecurities?"

The only way to rise above it is by ending your association with him. He's utterly toxic. Plenty of people have MH issues and are not evil towards others.

Way to line someone up for years of abuse (and kids will probably be brought into it too).

Why do you admire that.

As someone said above, it's just a person being abused and buying I to the abuser script.

It's not a positive attribute to not be able see you're being abused and protect yourself..

Agree with pp, posting something nasty onyour profile is messed up. That's not mental illness, it's just being an asshole.

Staying with someone 'sick' who is abusing you does not make you a good person, it makes you a martyr. You don't owe him any loyalty. He's so disloyal he even tries to publicly ruin your image.

This is not healthy op. It's not how a relationship should look.

Hes never going to 'get better' and suddenly dtart treating you with respect. That's not how these things play out. Even if he did, you'd spend the rest of your life with him still walking on egg shells. Wondering when he would return to asshole mode.

Where's your self love? Where is your loyalty to you? Where is your kindness for you? How have you ended up stuck in a relationship where your feelings, needs, mental wellbeing and reputation are not considered? Where your whole life revolves around sorting those things in another person. Where are YOU in all this op?

He's making you disappear. And you're letting him.

Having poor mental health is not a free pass to act like an arsehole. Do you really want to put up with this?

OP you need to end this relationship.

Once you’re out of it and free to think and feel without manipulation and pressure you will see with complete clarity it was the right thing to do.

To stay with him is self sabotage. Please listen to all the posters here.

I know you can’t face it all today.

But you are probably being told what you need to hear, even if it’s not what you want to hear.

This is never going to get any better.

I hope you’re ok for today.

What a rubbish way to live your life. End the relationship

That’s why people are advising you to leave. You can’t expect posters to recommend tactics to you for staying with an abuser.

it is also worth noting that those people who are offering advice to the op on how to change her behaviour to better cope with being abused, are in abusive relationships themselves.

op, I want you to ask yourself where is you line? When you refuse to rise to his bullying and he hits you, is that the line?

But it's only going to happen again

Why do you want that in your life?

People have mental health wobbles with out accusing partners of all sorts and cyber bullying them. It's his personality. He's not acting like this because of his mental health that's a scape goat

The long pattern of behaviour over years is why you should end it

Honestly you are going out with a teenager it sounds like. What is that behaviour.

You (no judgement) give him a huge amount of attention when he does this. Your question was how do you cope with this without arguing for hours- you tell him 'you're being unreasonable message me when you're ready to have an adult conversation calmly' and don't interact with him at all until he is. Just like you would with an actual child. He might learn with that boundary- but he probably won't.

I also don't think you should stay with him and it's predictable what messages you'll leave on here if you do have kids with him- you have the benefit of being fore warned about him (I didn't)

I agree

Op if the situation was reversed there's not a chance in hell he'd stick around while you treated him like he treats you

When he starts, message him saying 'ah you're off. Get back in touch when you're over it' and ignore him.

With a bit of luck you'll see that you need to end it when you don't feed his shit and he escalates.

Fair enough you aren't gonna end it but you'll be posting this shite again in a years time and be no happier or further forward. He's a dick. You can do better.

He's a knob. Get rid