Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

False accusations from bf - please help me rise above it

157 replies

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:23

My bf suffers with his mental health, and when he's feeling low, he tends to make false accusations which trigger arguments.

He's working away, and last night we were chatting on whatsapp and he sent me details of a holiday we've been considering. There are some issues with the holiday that I think are better discussed over the phone rather than on whatsapp - he was in the pub, and I was about to go out - so I messaged "Something to think about - I'm just heading out, let's chat about it properly tomorrow x".

We chatted some more, he got in a huff and accused me of shutting down communication and going incognito. I said that was ridiculous and unfair, and that it was just something that is better to discuss on the phone today rather than by whatsapp when we're both out.

I then sent him lots of messages and pics during the evening. He ignored them all. I heard nothing from him all evening. When I got home, he accused me of having shut down the conversation and disappearing to the pub.

It simply isn't true. It's all there in black and white on whatsapp.

He had also posted something nasty on my facebook - which I had to delete. Yes we are both grown adults.

How on earth do I deal with it? I cannot cope with false accusations - I literally don't know what to say when he's accusing me of something so totally untrue. When this happens I usually spend hours and hours trying to convince him to see sense, and eventually the dark clouds clear and he does see reason. But I just don't have the energy for it any more. It didn't happen. It's all there on whatsapp proving it didn't happen.

How do I rise above this and not get dragged into a weird argument manufactured from his own insecurities?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 15:37

LookingForPurpose · 20/09/2023 13:46

Why on Earth would you keep toss person around? You desperately need to raise your standards, you are worth SO much more than this.

Ironically, low self esteem. Coupled with a saviour complex.

Rehab for damaged men. Who don't actually want to get better because they like the power and control.

Cola2023 · 20/09/2023 15:45

Three years in, I made a Clare's Law request. Heard a disclosure as he'd been investigated before.

Even after breaking up he still tried to control who I could speak to etc. Ended up having to show him my phone records. He threatened men I worked with too.

He still calls and messages at least once a week. They never let you go.

Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 16:09

@Cola2023 that's awful. Can you get some kind of anti-harassment order against him that means he's not allowed to contact you?

Grumpusaurus · 21/09/2023 05:49

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/09/2023 11:24

You end it. He's gaslighting you. This is not going to get better.

This!

Grumpusaurus · 21/09/2023 05:53

Why do you put up with this shit?! This relationship is doomed! You cannot build a future with a man like that or have children. His issues are not your problem. You do not owe him anything. He treats you appallingly. Mental health or not, you still do not deserve any of that. Eventually, your own mental health will suffer for being his constant emotional punchbag.

Peacendkindness · 21/09/2023 05:54

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:29

I support him with his mental health wobbles. I love him very much, and I know this is a symptom of his low self esteem.

But it really impacts on me. I find it very difficult to cope with.

The problem is I usually get dragged into the argument, and end up defending myself. When I really have nothing to defend myself over. Ive done absolutely nothing wrong. I need to find the strength to step away from his attempts to manufacture an argument.

It’s not your job to support or help him - he needs to do that.

He is effecting your mental health and is abusive and ruining your social, mental and emotional health - he will always say the sky is whatever colour he wants regards of what you see. It’s exhausting.

No one has the right to be abusive - mental health being poor is not an acceptable excuse.

SnapdragonToadflax · 21/09/2023 06:04

This man is controlling. Just reading made me feel claustrophobic.

I dated someone like this as a teenager. Thankfully the relationship ended naturally when I went to uni, but that feeling of the exasperation of him not 'believing' you when you know you've done nothing wrong - I remember it so clearly.

You cannot win. He won't change. My ex hasn't changed, 25 years later, in fact he now has such severe mental health problems he doesn't work. Do you still want to be doing this in 25 years?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7