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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

False accusations from bf - please help me rise above it

157 replies

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:23

My bf suffers with his mental health, and when he's feeling low, he tends to make false accusations which trigger arguments.

He's working away, and last night we were chatting on whatsapp and he sent me details of a holiday we've been considering. There are some issues with the holiday that I think are better discussed over the phone rather than on whatsapp - he was in the pub, and I was about to go out - so I messaged "Something to think about - I'm just heading out, let's chat about it properly tomorrow x".

We chatted some more, he got in a huff and accused me of shutting down communication and going incognito. I said that was ridiculous and unfair, and that it was just something that is better to discuss on the phone today rather than by whatsapp when we're both out.

I then sent him lots of messages and pics during the evening. He ignored them all. I heard nothing from him all evening. When I got home, he accused me of having shut down the conversation and disappearing to the pub.

It simply isn't true. It's all there in black and white on whatsapp.

He had also posted something nasty on my facebook - which I had to delete. Yes we are both grown adults.

How on earth do I deal with it? I cannot cope with false accusations - I literally don't know what to say when he's accusing me of something so totally untrue. When this happens I usually spend hours and hours trying to convince him to see sense, and eventually the dark clouds clear and he does see reason. But I just don't have the energy for it any more. It didn't happen. It's all there on whatsapp proving it didn't happen.

How do I rise above this and not get dragged into a weird argument manufactured from his own insecurities?

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 17/09/2023 20:36

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:33

This is indeed a long pattern of behaviour that happens regularly and has done for years.

I'm not going to end it over him having a huff over messaging. I understand why everyone says I should - I'd be saying the same. But the reality of people's lives are very different.

I just need to find a way to quash the argument and rise above it so that we get past it.

Your choice. Raise your standards and get rid or put up 🤷‍♀️

QueenBitch666 · 17/09/2023 20:39

Itick8outof10boxes · 17/09/2023 12:38

I just understand people like OP, this is emotional abuse whether she likes it or not. But if it's what she wants and chooses to stay then all the advice in the world isn't going to change anything.
No sympathy for the self inflicted.

👏👏👏

Dotcheck · 17/09/2023 20:40

@Purpleraiin @IrvineScot

Please, endlessly allowing someone to treat you badly in the name of mental health isn’t the same as being in a loving/supportive relationship.

Please love you’re self more.

Mistressanne · 17/09/2023 20:48

Well if you want to stay with him at least you’re protecting some other poor woman from being gaslighted by him.
Good luck.

AnxiousPangolin · 17/09/2023 21:23

This sounds SO much like an ex of mine it’s scary.

I’d have to finish a conversation quickly because I was going somewhere, or someone had come to the door or whatever. He’d insist that I continue talking to him as he wouldn’t be ‘brushed off’ or ‘made to feel like he was an inconvenience’. If I tried to say that I’d call as soon as I was back, that wasn’t good enough. He gave me the silent treatment for a week once because my battery ran out as we were talking, he refused to believe it and said I’d hung up on him and was lying to avoid admitting it. He also had mental health problems.

I spent years trying to be rational and reasonable in the face of whatever batshit thing he decided to accuse me of until I realised that you cannot reason with someone who is being unreasonable.

You have said you don’t want to be told to leave him but unless you want to spend the rest of your life tying yourself up in knots to appease him and damaging yourself as a result, you should rethink this. You must have known that by posting on here, people were going to respond ‘wtf, he’s abusive, leave him’. Even if it’s not what you claim you want, I suggest you listen.

Aishah231 · 18/09/2023 06:58

This isn't about his mental health issues OP. It's about control. He wants to control your evening even when he's not there. See it for what it is and you might have less sympathy for him.

ChristmasFluff · 18/09/2023 09:40

His self-esteem is fine - yours is the problem, OP, if you are unable to recognise that you deserve a relationhsip without abuse.

What you choose it what you get. You've been choosing this for 5 years to no avail. You can continue to choose it, and guess what? It's what you'll keep getting.

There's other choices.

TheDogthatDug · 18/09/2023 11:14

How often does he have these huffs and what's your relationship like otherwise?

GingerIsBest · 18/09/2023 13:49

This man clearly has very disordered thinking - as can be seen by the fact that he posted on your Facebook! That's next level and as a PP has pointed out, is a sign of someone who genuinely does not have any insight into why his behaviour is not okay.

To that end, you say you spend hours and hours explaining and coaxing him to see he's wrong... I 100% guarantee that he never actually truly agrees that he is wrong - no matter what he says to you. The narrative in his head will be, "she hounds me and hounds me and goes on and on and on and on and on and the only way I can stop her from being so ridiculous is to say I'm sorry and that she's right. She is abusive, how can I live with this?"

And if and when you finally wake up to the emotional abuse he is subjecting you to, and you leave him, be prepared for him to tell anyone and everyone that you were crazy, abusive, manipulative, toxic etc etc etc.

AnxiousPangolin · 19/09/2023 11:38

Indeed. My ex used to regularly threaten to post ‘the truth’ about me on social media or email my friends and family. He’d use it as a way to stop me ending a conversation with him when he’d turned abusive or as a punishment for transgressions that he imagined I’d made.

GingerIsBest · 19/09/2023 11:52

AnxiousPangolin · 19/09/2023 11:38

Indeed. My ex used to regularly threaten to post ‘the truth’ about me on social media or email my friends and family. He’d use it as a way to stop me ending a conversation with him when he’d turned abusive or as a punishment for transgressions that he imagined I’d made.

exBIL does this all the time. He even follows through sometimes. Then gets even more annoyed when the rest of us don't take his accusations on board/take his side. But his accusations are so wild and baseless, also often incoherent, it's meaningless to us. Also, this level of narcissistic rage is usually after he's done something so completely out of line but that he genuinely believes is legitimate which just has the rest of us shaking our heads.

The result tis that he gets even more wild and angry as nothing works.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/09/2023 12:00

YoBeaches · 17/09/2023 11:30

His behaviour isn't a mental health issue. It's who he is.

It might feel shocking to hear, but this is abusive. Making you out to be the bad person, trying to make you feeling guilty for being a bad person. Silent treatment when you don't behave the way he wants you to.

You should end this relationship, it will only get worse.

Exactly this. I have mental health issues - anxiety, depression, low self esteem - but I don't use it to be a dick to people around me!

I think I'd say something like "When your mood is low, you have a tendency to pick arguments with me, over non-issues. I am getting very stressed and upset about these arguments, and we need to find a better way for you to deal with your depression, that doesn't cause this level of upset. I love you and I support you, but I am not your punching bag when you are feeling low."

Lillygolightly · 19/09/2023 12:26

Look if this is not something you want to end the relationship over, then I think that when these things start you need to say:

Look I see where this is going and I’m not pandering to it. When you are more clear headed and ready to be reasonable we can talk but until then the conversation is closed.

At the moment what he’s doing is having a wobble, and by having he wobble he manages to manipulate you into doing exactly what he wants. Your scenario in the original post points that out perfectly. You suggested having the holiday conversation another time when you could talk properly. He didn’t agree had a huff and then accused you of shutting the conversation down. He then got the pleasure of ignoring you, while you were sending pictures and a running commentary of what you were up to, to prove what you were doing. So he wasn’t speaking to you but STILL got all the reassurance he needed, all the while I bet you spent the evening not enjoying things as much as you might have otherwise because you were aware that he was having a sulk with you. You need to stop doing this, he’s not going to stop this behaviour because it gets him exactly what he wants…reassurance and you worried, off balance and pandering to him and talking him round.

You need to react differently to this behaviour because let’s face it your current tactics aren’t working. You can’t live with only being able to go out as long as you’re giving him constant contact!!! That’s ridiculous and controlling, how on earth are you supposed to enjoy yourself if you have him metaphorically peering over you shoulder at all times! Worse still your compliance with that does not even stop the behaviour, he still sulks with you and punishes you with silent treatment and ignoring you until he eventually relents, but only until next time!

Next time I suggest that you shut it down and then do not placate him with any reassurance messages or pictures as proof of what you are doing, where you are and who with etc. Silence until he can behave like a reasonable adult and treat you the same. Until you do this all you are doing is rewarding his behaviour and allowing him to punish you when you have done absolutely nothing wrong!

Cola2023 · 19/09/2023 13:24

Sounds like the early days of dating my ex with BPD. Several years in and it got much worse.

This is very mild compared to what follows if you stay.

Sethos · 19/09/2023 14:52

IrvineScot · 17/09/2023 11:38

He usually does see sense and apologises in the end. I just don't have the energy to spend hours and hours getting him to that point any more. I've done it so many times.

Usually it's harder if its an accusation that I've said or done something in person. Harder to prove that I didn't. But this time - it was all on whatsapp. There is no disputing what I said and what he said. No disputing the fact that I messaged him all evening and he ignored me - NOT the other way round as he alleges.

It's so totally deluded that I find it hard to cope with. When he says something that is so blatantly untrue.

I would sit him down when he’s calm and in a good space, and explain that you’ve noticed this pattern and it’s not a dynamic that you’re willing to keep entering into. If he’s not good at listening without interrupting/ derailing, write him a letter (and take a copy for future ref). I’d tell him that you don’t have the energy to keep engaging when he does it, and that in future you’ll be doing x,y,z … eg saying “DP this is one of those times, and as previously discussed, I’m not going to play this game and defend myself against false accusations. I love you, and I’ll be here when you’ve had a think about things and calmed down.” Then just don’t engage with the drama - keep it neutral, don’t get pulled in to justifying yourself, and keep repeating the phrase you’ve chosen.

Either he’ll accept that, or he’ll keep escalating and creating drama… in which case I do think you need to consider your future with him.

ClementWeatherToday · 19/09/2023 17:48

OP, can I ask - what is the reason that you believe his behaviour to be related to his mental health? Is it because he has low self esteem? (You mentioned the two things previously as is they were related, as if you think that low self esteem is the cause of his "mental health issues".)

Are you aware that abusive behaviour is often very closely linked to low self esteem? Much of abuse is focused on gaining/remaining in control, and itsy we'll be that an abuser has feeling a low self esteem which they feel justify them attempting to control their partner. However, this does not make them any less abusive.

Indeed, a person may both experience poor mental health AND be abusive. They are not mutually exclusive. However, there is nothing about your partner's behaviour that screams he is suffering from mental ill health, and plenty that screams he is an abuser. He MAY be both - but he is DEFINITELY abusive.

Yes the timing is relevant. He doesn't have issues with me socialising as such, but he believes that I should be willing to message him constantly while I'm out

This, for example, is controlling, coercive and abusive. I suspect he would prefer it if you didn't go out (any maybe one day you'll be so ground down that you'll decide it's easier not to), certainly he requires that if you do have the gumption to go out he must be at the forefront of you mind the entire time. This is not normal.

I went out for a whole day recently, and returned home at 1am. My husband just expected me to go and have a good time. As it happened I did send him a couple of photos (my best friend and I went to a big city an hour away to see a show for her birthday, and left at midday to see some sights and have a pre-theatre meal beforehand) but there was no expectation on his part. Because he is not controlling or abusive.

Original poster
IrvineScot · 19/09/2023 21:33

Sethos · 19/09/2023 14:52

I would sit him down when he’s calm and in a good space, and explain that you’ve noticed this pattern and it’s not a dynamic that you’re willing to keep entering into. If he’s not good at listening without interrupting/ derailing, write him a letter (and take a copy for future ref). I’d tell him that you don’t have the energy to keep engaging when he does it, and that in future you’ll be doing x,y,z … eg saying “DP this is one of those times, and as previously discussed, I’m not going to play this game and defend myself against false accusations. I love you, and I’ll be here when you’ve had a think about things and calmed down.” Then just don’t engage with the drama - keep it neutral, don’t get pulled in to justifying yourself, and keep repeating the phrase you’ve chosen.

Either he’ll accept that, or he’ll keep escalating and creating drama… in which case I do think you need to consider your future with him.

Show quote history

This is exactly what I tried to do... then I buckled, and chased after him, and then lost my shit. I just WISH I could stick to my guns and do the right thing.

OP posts:
Sethos · 20/09/2023 11:20

Keep practising,@IrvineScot !

Comtesse · 20/09/2023 12:07

i don’t really understand why you want to train yourself to put up with this nonsense.

How funny that he picked a fight with you just before you went out.

That’s just controlling/abusive nonsense.

MrsSlocombesCat · 20/09/2023 12:34

I find it very difficult to empathise with someone who stays in an abusive relationship. It’s like self harming. You need to leave. You know you need to leave, so anyone advocating any other solution (clue: there isn’t one) is aiding and abetting an abusive situation. If you stay with this man nothing will improve. Ever. Stop clutching at straws and take control of your own life, you don’t need him even if you think you do.

cooldarkroom · 20/09/2023 13:34

I used to try & explain why he was wrong, & then try & ignore the sulking, it went on for days, weeks.
I used to carry on going to sport, he would accuse me of having an affair with one of the other participants, ended up hiding in bushes to check
I used to say "I am not justifying myself any more, believe what you want"...
I used to not go out as it was easier than the sulking/moods
I used to be told I didn't look nice in a garment... usually when I looked Great. he didn't like that colour... I was drawing attention to myself...
I used to cut short phone calls when he came home
Lie by omission to avoid his moods. Make plans & only tell him at the last minute to avoid his boiling disapproval.

You cannot argue with batshit.
You will not get him to change, He is getting everything he needs as it is, he IS controlling you, has you almost begging to get him to understand.. sending photos of your evening to appease him. He has set you up.
He didn't want you going out & enjoying yourself, you MIGHT MEET SOMEONE ELSE.
Sorry, please listen to all these women who know.
Do not bring children into this misery.
Drop him, recover, be happy.

AllSewnUp · 20/09/2023 13:45

It's not your job to rise above it. This is his issue for him to deal with. Do you realistically think he will, or will things trundle on as they are?

Honestly OP, get rid.

If you don't, you'll reach a point where you really regret wasting your life on him. If you get rid now, there will come a point where you look back and think "why the fuck didn't i do it sooner".

LookingForPurpose · 20/09/2023 13:46

Why on Earth would you keep toss person around? You desperately need to raise your standards, you are worth SO much more than this.

Escapingafter50years · 20/09/2023 13:46

5 years of your life on this shit! Why? Why, why, why do you not feel you deserve better?

"I just need to find a way to quash the argument and rise above it so that we get past it."

If you haven't after 5 years this is never going to happen.

Do you not realise you cannot control someone else and he is going to do what he's going to do.

He doesn't truly care about what he's done to you, if he did he would be moving heaven and earth to stop doing it. I'll bet he doesnt treat his boss or any friends like this? So he's able to control his behaviour. Think about that, he reserves his abuse for you.

He is controlling - expecting you to be always available to him even when out with friends (they will eventually drop you), he regularly blocks you on Facebook, turns on his Whatsapp privacy so you don't know if he's read your messages, he twists things around so you're the bad person. What the fuck do you see in this relationship? Is the sunk costs fallacy keeping you hooked in?

This is lunacy. If you don't wake up soon you will some day look back with huge regret on wasting your life with this abusive arsehole.

Mmhmmn · 20/09/2023 14:18

@cooldarkroom nailed it - You cannot argue with batshit.

That is all. Stay with him if you want a miserable, unbelievably frustrating and gaslit future. Otherwise, toss the rotten fish back and move on to a happier life.