False accusations from bf - please help me rise above it

[IrvineScot]

My bf suffers with his mental health, and when he's feeling low, he tends to make false accusations which trigger arguments.

He's working away, and last night we were chatting on whatsapp and he sent me details of a holiday we've been considering. There are some issues with the holiday that I think are better discussed over the phone rather than on whatsapp - he was in the pub, and I was about to go out - so I messaged "Something to think about - I'm just heading out, let's chat about it properly tomorrow x".

We chatted some more, he got in a huff and accused me of shutting down communication and going incognito. I said that was ridiculous and unfair, and that it was just something that is better to discuss on the phone today rather than by whatsapp when we're both out.

I then sent him lots of messages and pics during the evening. He ignored them all. I heard nothing from him all evening. When I got home, he accused me of having shut down the conversation and disappearing to the pub.

It simply isn't true. It's all there in black and white on whatsapp.

He had also posted something nasty on my facebook - which I had to delete. Yes we are both grown adults.

How on earth do I deal with it? I cannot cope with false accusations - I literally don't know what to say when he's accusing me of something so totally untrue. When this happens I usually spend hours and hours trying to convince him to see sense, and eventually the dark clouds clear and he does see reason. But I just don't have the energy for it any more. It didn't happen. It's all there on whatsapp proving it didn't happen.

How do I rise above this and not get dragged into a weird argument manufactured from his own insecurities?

You shouldn't be having to deal with this kind of strop and manage his mantrums over and over. LTB.

@IrvineScot

How do I rise above this and not get dragged into a weird argument manufactured from his own insecurities?

I would even try to rise above it. For my own sanity and future I'd get out of this relationship as fast as I could. Can you imagine dealing with this person's abusive behaviour as you got your lives more entangled for the rest of your life? 🌹

This sounds like a completely toxic and unhealthy dynamic. End it now for your own sanity. His mental health is not an excuse for his manipulative behaviour.

How on earth do I deal with it? I cannot cope with false accusations - I literally don't know what to say when he's accusing me of something so totally untrue. When this happens I usually spend hours and hours trying to convince him to see sense, and eventually the dark clouds clear and he does see reason. But I just don't have the energy for it any more. It didn't happen. It's all there on whatsapp proving it didn't happen.

So stop engaging and trying to defend yourself. Have a sentence ready and rinse and repeat and don’t be drawn into any further discussion. Something like:

“I’m happy to talk to you about anything else but won’t continue to discuss false accusations”

If he says you’re being nasty or similar say it again - and so on.

I understand if you don't want to end the relationship 🙂 I'm in a very similar situation to you and I can't justify abandoning him because he has mental health issues, that wouldn't be love in my eyes. I don't have an answer as such as I've been dealing with this for 5 years now, i do have the same problem as you though where I jump to defending myself every single time Evan though I don't want to. I feel like if I don't defend myself it ends up fuelling his negative thoughts and my repeated defence is the only thing that eventually brings him round again.

We are currently on day 5 of the latest outburst. This time I decided to turn to therapy and managed to get an appointment on day 2. from that first session I walked away so much more switched on and I've finally, not once defended myself and I feel so much more better for it! If you've not tried this option yourself I really do recommend it. Also for your partner, if he hasn't sought help for his issues he needs to. Mine has done and he's engaging well, there's been a huge change and improvement, still some way to go clearly but it has helped. If he wasn't willing to seek help and engage then that's the point where I would have said my back is turned. I totally get you not wanting to turn your back On your partner but between the two of you, you've both got to do things to fix this and if he isn't willing to do his part, that's where I'd be recommending you leave him.

Feel free to message me if you want to chat or rant away, I completely get you 🙃 I know people have good intentions but I also know how annoying it is when the only advice offered is to leave

You're choosing to stay in a relationship with a person who is experienced in emotional abuse. He is an expert in breaking people down and making them lose themselves/their confidence.

One way you can support yourself when he does this is some entertaining his delusions. Change the subject or ignore him until he behaves. You'll be described as sulking or rude/bad mannered and it might trigger him to up his game.

You need to challenge on neutral ground and face to face on each occasion and for your sanity, write down each thing he does with dates. You may see a pattern (when he's stressed with work, when he hasn't eaten etc) and you may need to consider look into his relationships with his family as this is learnt behaviour.

How has your mental health fared over the course of the relationship OP?

I have seen a relationship like this where the struggle to maintain normalcy has severely impacted the 'well' person, to the point their own mental health suffered. Therefore, both of them with mental ill health and trapped in a cycle whereby they both negatively effected each other for years. It did not end well. Please take care of yourself x

Can you not see you are never going to fix him or this relationship?
There are no medals for being a martyr to an abusive man.
Take what’s left of your dignity and leave.

@IrvineScot

You are not a rehabilitation centre.

https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/x940e7/women_are_not_rehabilitation_centers_for/

So he is receiving counselling, so accepts he is doing this and is examining the reasons why and how to work on himself to stop this pattern of behaviour?

The other thing I'd say OP is that it's not your responsibility to fix him. It's his. The more you engage, the more the pattern repeats and enforces the behaviour for him.

I would look into support for yourself whilst you are receiving this behaviour. It may help to have someone who is not emotionally invested and is a professional give you that support and insight as to the dynamic between you and your bf.

Thank you so much, your post sounds so like me.

He has therapy. So do I. neither of us often enough I think.

Thank you xx

Sounds very draining. Posting nasty stuff on SM? Nah that's teenager stuff.
Get rid and find someone who respects you

Please build your self esteem and raise higher up the bar when it comes to men. Google “mothering syndrome” because it’s what I’m reading from your post. You need an equal, not a son.

I just understand people like OP, this is emotional abuse whether she likes it or not. But if it's what she wants and chooses to stay then all the advice in the world isn't going to change anything.
No sympathy for the self inflicted.

Op, he is not only so disordered/mal adjusted that he does this at home, privately....and believes he's justified in doing it.

But he also does this publicly.
In recordable format.

That is the measure of how justified he thinks he is in behaving like this.

You had to delete the post/s, he didn't.

Most of the abusers in the world aren't even that deluded, self righteous; they wouldn't show their behaviour publicly. He's so extreme he will share his behaviour publicly, happy for people to see it. I don't believe he ever truly sees sense. I believe he lets things go, the narcissistic injury fades a little, and probably even he sees that you might walk if he doesn't eventually let it go.

The fact that he's straight back to the same shit, the next time, shows he truly believes he's right, he's justified etc.

This man is not right, and I'm sorry but he's unlikely to ever be.

It would be a fkg crime to inflict him on kids as a father.

I would not be giving you advice on how to avoid, deflect, side step etc his behaviour.... Because I would not give a poster on here advice on how to avoid, deflect and side step physical abuse
And this is the mental and emotional equivalent.

I'm sorry to be very blunt but you have very low standards and expectations for a relationship to be so determined to stay with this man. You're in martyr and masochist territory.

You love him ..... Well, you can love someone else too. That just takes a break, time and new partner. You'd look back and wonder wtaf you were thinking staying and trying to work with this specimen for so long.

You can love someone who's not a water torturer, gas lighting abuser.

His brain seems to be stuck in "need/want/entitled to mummy's instant attention and priority every second of the day" mode Or maybe he just likes punishing people, manipulating them, exercising power over them as well, who knows.

He’s not “in a huff”, he’s actively punishing you. He’s trying to hurt you and by writing stuff on your social media he is also trying to humiliate you. He is abusive.

Id give Lundy Bancroft's "why does he do that" a read too
It's primarily about physical abuse but applied to all.

It identifies behaviour of men like this in the abuser profiles etc.

Exactly.

@IrvineScot

Yes he has counselling - not nearly often enough in my opinion. I saw this coming yesterday in some other comments he made, the red flags went up before he had this huff. That is the point he should have recognised in himself that he needed to step back, arrange more counselling and remove the target from my back

But he doesn't want to step back - that's at least part of the point - because he's getting what he wants; destabilising you emotionally, controlling how you act before, during and after these events, you on eggshells. You must have been so hurt when you saw the nasty thing he posted about you. He thought about it, wrote the words/item and left you to deal with the outcome. Really, where's the good in this relationship for you? 🌹

it’s so difficult when someone has MH issues.
Some people might say I ‘abandoned’ my marriage when my (now X)H had mental health issues. People have said ‘Hmm it sounds like he’s depressed’. Well yes, he probably was. I tried to support him for years, I genuinely mean that. But he wouldn’t seek help and in the end I realised nothing would change unless I changed things. No amount of changing my behaviour changed his. I just ended up walking on eggshells. Then I had two people (who didn’t know each other) say they thought his behaviour was controlling within a week of each other. At first I refused to see it, but I realised after a bit they were right. The scales fell off. All of this was more about controlling me than anything to do with his mental health. He also implied it was me dragging him down! So I set him free. He leapt straight into a new relationship and moved in with her after less than a year. He is still moody and miserable. I am far happier!
It is acceptable to leave a relationship if someone treats you badly, even if they do have MH issues.

Picking arguments out of nothing is not the action of a man who loves you back.

Doing the on/off blocking thing is not the action of a man who loves you back.

Being nasty to you in a public forum by scrawling things on a Facebook wall is not the action of a man who loves you back.

He’s nasty to you in person and in public. These are not the actions of a man who loves you back.

Are you frightened he’ll ramp up the public and private abuse if you leave him? But he’s ramping it up anyway, because he’s not stopping, is he?

I think the timing of the argument is interesting. You where about to go out and that's seems to be when he started. U said u usually would spend hours reassuring him, does that mean you would normally change your plans? Does he tend to have issues with you socialising?

If "mental health" issues are leading to abuse .... And here they are (if his behaviour can even be termed mh issues) then recipient of the abuse has a duty to themselves to get out of there, and not to bring kids into the situation.

That duty supercedes any "duty" you choose to have to the abuser. If it doesn't, you need help.

Behaviour like this, not only the behaviour but the anticipation of the behaviour - causes significant stress and potentially affects your mental and physical health. And believe me, if you have problems; this isn't the person who'll be supportive and kind to you. This is a one way street in that regard.

They aren't worth it.

He doesn't sound a nice person and he's causing you stress. You can do better than that.

Just how much hard work should a relationship be?

And by sending him messages whilst out but ignoring what he wanted to discuss you're as bad as he is.

You should not be together.