I am going to ask this guy if he's actually sexually attracted to me. Does this sound ok?

[CandyLollipopw]

I've been having sex with this guy for a year now. We've been friends with benefits but I don't know if he's actually sexually attracted to my body type. I see where he follows models on social media. This is why I'd like to ask him if he is sexually attracted to women with my body type. Or if he is only attracted to models and skinny women.

Even if we are only friends with benefits I still think it's important that both people are sexually attracted to each other because it's physical and we see each other naked. And I don't see anything wrong with a woman wanting to know that I man who sees her naked is sexually attracted to her.

I am going to say this to him...

I'd like to talk to you about something but I don't want you to think I'm trying to start drama or that I'm trying to argue. I want clarity about something. (Are you sexually attracted to women who have my type of body? Or are you only attracted to models and skinny women).
^^
Then I'll tell him why I'm asking because I am sexually attracted to him and I enjoy having sex with him. And I want the feelings to be mutual.

Do you have sexual fantasies OP? Or any celebrity crushes? And if so are they exactly like your FWB?

Cor you are hard work. This obviously isnt working for you so just blow it off.

This is just weird , even men could not have sex for a year with someone they are not sexually attracted to ? And FWB means it works for both of you with no ties or commitments . If it doesn’t then just end it .

YOU HAVE FALLEN FOR THIS GUY! YOU SOUND LIKE A GF/WIFE! FWB IS DEFINITELY NOT FOR YOU.

Are you sure he looks exactly like everyone whose pages you have followed on social media? Small height? same race? same body type? same hair style?

Expecting people to only follow one certain specific height / weight / body that is the same as their partners is DRAMA, DRAMA, DRAMA.

Chris Hemsworth is gorgeous. He looks nothing like my husband. Instagram is full of men who have a body like Hemsworth, but you'd be hard pushed to find someone doing sexy poses who looks like my husband.
What he follows on Instagram is what is most socially acceptable to find attractive. What is readily available.
For example, I find curvaceous women most attractive. But I can't find as many women of my preference on Instagram doing sexy poses, it is mainly images and videos of how to dress a more curvaceous figure and fewer out right sexualised lingerie shoots etc. It's mainly fitness models or highly edited images of women with tiny frames in the sexy lingerie.

I don't think you really like this man though, the situation is fucking with your peace of mind.

Not surprised - I’ve heard this before “ugly girls never say no” also heard it said against fat girls too.

Utterly disgusting and depraved but it’s not rare for men to have this attitude or at least it wasn’t when I was in my 20s. Thankfully I’ve cleaned up my social circle since then but I still see similar comments online.

He’s obviously going to say yes.

Either because he’s telling the truth, which you don’t believe

or

because he’s lying, knowing that you’d end his sex sessions.

You’ve already asked him this question.
I don’t know what more you want.

If you’re only FWB then why are you even going through his friends on SM. That’s too much OP.

You obviously want to be more than FWB
so just ask him outright.

Tell him you want a proper relationship or stop being FWB.

Unfortunately you cannot be FWB with someone you have strong feelings for.

What are you hoping to gain by asking him? You think he's lying because of who he follows on social media, so if he says yes he's attracted, then you won't believe him. If he says no, will you be hurt? Will you stop seeing him? Because you already believe that to be true but haven't stopped seeing him.

People can be attracted to all different shapes, looks and body types. Have all of the people you've slept with looked exactly the same?

I just don't understand why you continue to have sex with him when you think he's settling and you said his comments about his performance are offputting. He must be very hot because surely a vibrator is preferable to being unsure if someone likes you physically.

Does he compliment you, sound eager to see you and say nice things about your face/body/mind? If not, why even bother with him?

You sound insecure. You are FWB and you are getting the benefits. It's a shag. Don't go getting feeling. It is not a relationship.

fair enough but I’d say the difference is that’s your boyfriend /partner. When a man has committed to being in a relationship with you it’s more likely he finds a lot appealing about you including your personality etc which will all contribute towards being sexually attractive to him.

When you’re doing “FWB” many are not actually friends, and it’s often literally based on and revolves around sex. So theres not the same assumption the couple like each other on a deeper level. And this is where the OP has become unstuck, the one thing she hoped to rely on in this arrangement - ie being sexually desired and being found attractive - may not be there.

So she’s left with what? A guy who may not even like her on any level.

PLEASE don't do this to yourself, if he was attracted to you, you wouldn't be FWB, he's a man that's getting a free legover, you do know that the vast majority of them will do ANYTHING to get sex with anyone, that's a fact.
im guessing from your tone and questions that the FWB is his idea and you want more.. sorry too late that horse has bolted, its never going to happen.

Ask if you want but how will it help? If he says he is attracted to you, you won't believe him. If he says he isn't, well that would be incredibly hurtful and the FWB thing would be over.

If you think he is lying to you and using you for sex you can just decide that you don't want to carry on with this FWB situation anymore. You don't paint a good picture of him, you don't sound like you really like him (or perhaps you do, but you feel he doesn't like you as much as you want him to). NONE of this is good for you. How are your self-esteem needs being met? Does this set-up make you feel good about yourself or does it make you feel insecure, needy, and jealous?

I’m laughing at the idea that people are only attracted to one type of person as it’s such a twenty year old thing to say. As you get older you will find this is definitely not true. I used to date only dark eyed and dark haired men in my twenties but in my thirties have discovered a crush on a strawberry blonde, slightly chubby mid forties man. He has a YouTube channel talking about wildlife in gardens and his enthusiasm and knowledge is just very attractive. Sexuality is very fluid and attraction isnt always about looks.

Op, you are thinking in very black and white terms. You have missed the nuance. You have also taken something from a women on TikTok and turned it into a fact, despite all the women here telling you the opposite. Sometimes people say things that are wrong.

If him following models on instagram is creepy to you (and it would be for me too) then end the relationship. I don’t think quizzing him on it will get you anywhere.

Op

On the off chance that you are actually a reall person ( unlikely )

1. Plenty of people follow people on instagram that are totally unlike their partner. Would I like it my husband suddenly developed a six pack and grew back his hair. Yes I would. Does it mean I am not attracted to him. No it doesn't.

Also you have already decided so how do you see the conversation going

1. He admits you're not his usual type but he enjoys sex with you
2. He tells you he fancies the pants of you and you tell him that you don't believe him.

Either way you're coming across as totally paranoid here. I think if he sees that level of crazy he will run a mile regardless. You're fwb not engaged/

@Artesia "I have a fabulous, often filthy, fantasy life with a particularly attractive French rugby player. DH just laughs and says "ahh look, there's your boyfriend" when he's on tv."

Not the point of this thread but still.... I'm intrigued... which one? 😉

Also, back on topic - an online bedroom coach? Wtf? That's a thing? Haven't seen that as a job listed on LinkedIn but maybe I'm just not seeing it 😂

i have reported this thread because i feel the op isnt very well and quite vulnerable

You must be having weird sex if you don't know whether he's attracted to you or not. You can definitely tell. Stop stalking him and being so insecure, what he follows on SM is his own business and is not equivalent to him only wanting to have sex with a particular 'type'. If you're not in a relationship then stop being so demanding and invasive, you're massively overstepping the mark.

I think that’s fair.

Well if he is then he has no business telling me he doesn't like to share.

It is disturbing I agree.

the question op is why are you having sex with someone who you feel doesn’t find you attractive and is just using you for the physical act.

that’s the real question. And that’s what you need support to work out. And help to avoid. Offering up sex to men who you feel don’t find you attractive.

And him telling me how he doesn't like to share because he's insecure isn't overstepping? Yeah, the sex is weird he gets hard which means nothing. Because a man will get hard for any kind of woman. How am I supposed to know he's actually attracted to me?

He sure is a good actor I mentioned how I like coming over and being able to drink coffee and relax. I saw him smiling about that. What an idiot the fact that he pretends to actually like my company is pure insanity.

You're right it's not my business who he follows on SM but it is my business that he lies and pretends to be into me sexually. At what point does a man stop lying? I even told him once that I didn't know men had sex with women they weren't attracted to. He played stupid and said he didn't know that was a thing. And then recently he played stupid again saying he wouldn't have sex with a woman he's not attracted to. So I guess it's okay for him to constantly lie since he doesn't know that I see the type of women he really wants on social media. He's so stupid it's pathetic.

I'd stick with your therapist.