I am going to ask this guy if he's actually sexually attracted to me. Does this sound ok?

[CandyLollipopw]

I've been having sex with this guy for a year now. We've been friends with benefits but I don't know if he's actually sexually attracted to my body type. I see where he follows models on social media. This is why I'd like to ask him if he is sexually attracted to women with my body type. Or if he is only attracted to models and skinny women.

Even if we are only friends with benefits I still think it's important that both people are sexually attracted to each other because it's physical and we see each other naked. And I don't see anything wrong with a woman wanting to know that I man who sees her naked is sexually attracted to her.

I am going to say this to him...

I'd like to talk to you about something but I don't want you to think I'm trying to start drama or that I'm trying to argue. I want clarity about something. (Are you sexually attracted to women who have my type of body? Or are you only attracted to models and skinny women).
^^
Then I'll tell him why I'm asking because I am sexually attracted to him and I enjoy having sex with him. And I want the feelings to be mutual.

OP. You have a lot of issues.

You need to end this fwb..its not making you happy

You need to stay off social media and dating apps and work on your self confidence and self esteem.

I’m pretty old and have always been useless at relationships so am a bit emotionally starved and sexually repressed, etc.

In that context, I’ve never really understood the term Friends With Benefits.

But I think it’s because the people involved aren’t really truly friends? If they were, it would be a relationship? I do get the idea of a booty call, I did that often in the early days of the relationship with my partner.

I’m not being judgmental, I just don’t get it. My libido has crashed, so maybe that’s why!

Are either of you sleeping with anyone else, @CandyLollipopw ?

Would you like to go out with him? Are either of you married?

It sounds like this question (yours, not mine) are cropping up because you think the answer is “No.” It also sounds like he’s not exactly giving you unalloyed joy in bed (ok, I think that’s relatively rare.)

Sometimes I start asking myself if someone really likes me, but if I examine my feelings I realise I don’t really like them but it’s easier for me emotionally to put that onto them, probably because I used to be such a people pleaser.

I think if you’re prompted to ask a man you’ve been sleeping with for a year whether he finds you attractive, your subconscious is trying to tell you something, and you should listen to that, and remember everyone is worthy of love and respect, very much including you.

If your goal is a long term relationship, a year is a long time to tread water, and if it’s not, think about what you would like to change?

You're not cut out for this OP.

I agree.

the man is sexually attracted to you and has proved this by repeatedly having sex with you for a year.

It doesn’t sound like there’s an issue here and yet you’ve really put the effort into finding one.

knock it on the head.

This is utterly ridiculous. The bloke in question, was he a complete sex god? Did he have hordes of women swooning when he walked in the room? Was he in fact a Hollywood movie star?

Was he fuck. The fact he thought he would have a huge choice of women to fuck, yet he decided to bestow his greatness on the “ugly one” just shows what a misogynistic prick he was. With an attitude like that, the “ugly one” wouldn’t want him any more than any other woman with half a brain cell.

PS - also, the very fact you’re taking this to Mumsnet rather than relying on your own judgment suggests you need to work on your own self esteem and self belief.

Counselling is expensive but there are some really good books out there. 🌸

I think if your self esteem is fragile enough to be asking these questions, you probably shouldn't be having a 'fuck buddy'. It's the reason I don't have casual sex - it would destroy me.

As a side note OP, you do realize that it's possible for a person to have an ideal body type/look (ie in their wildest fantasies), but still be attracted to people who don't fit into that box?
My ideal is 6ft 4, arms the size of my thighs, bright blue eyes and a lovely tan all year round.

The only thing my fella is delivering on is the eyes - everything else is a bust. But I find him very sexually attractive.

People can be very multi faceted and so can attraction. You are over thinking this

If you’re checking who he follows on social media and stressing over it then you are unfortunately too over-invested in the connection for it to be a simple FWB situation.

If you want it to be something more then tell him you want more, however if you are already sure romantic feelings aren’t reciprocated on his end then the best thing you can do here is cut your losses and walk away. FWB only works if there are zero emotions involved on either side.

I think your problem here is that you are thinking he can’t possibly like you if he’s following women of a completely different body type on social media, But you are making the assumption. Most people, men and women, are attracted to all sorts of different people. My partner thinks Kate Beckindale is beautiful - I look nothing like her and have neither dark hair, or a slim figure. It doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to me. Just like your FWB guy, he probably has a whole range of people he is attracted to you and you also fall into that category. It’s not a linear thing. Just because he follows certain women on social media doesn’t mean that is his one and only type.

The thing is, even if you do ask him outright are you going to be satisfied? He’s already told you he’s attracted to you, he’s already told you that he wouldn’t have sex with a woman that he wasn’t attracted to. I’m not sure what else you’ll get out of him that is any different. For example, let’s say you ask him, he says yes I’m attracted to you (again) - are you going to accept what he says at face value or are you going to keep calling BS?

Just stop shagging him🤷‍♀️ why all the hand wringing? If he wasn’t sexually attracted to you why would he being having sex with you? If you think it’s because he can’t get anyone else that’s your self esteem talking not his.

He wouldn’t be having sex with you if he wasn’t sexually attracted to you. I know men can be pigs and all but they don’t generally stick their dick in people they don’t want to shag.

Why do you have to be his ideal perfect type? If such a thing actually exists, that is a totally unrealistic expectation.

He has not done anything wrong. You don't have any commitment to each other. By your own description, you are FWB.

his answer will be ‘yes, although my perfect woman is a supermodel. Next question?’

Jeez that escalated quickly! OP I mean this kindly but what do you expect to gain from asking him again? He’s already told you he’s attracted to you, he’s been presumably having consensual sex with you for the past year, and I’d guess it’s been enjoyable if it’s been going on for that long, yet you’ve created a frankly batshit narrative based on some woman on tiktok and the types of women he’s following on social media. Based on your replies to this thread I can’t see anything he says convincing you as you’ve very clearly already made up your mind.

Don't bother asking. The reason he likes looking at these perfect women is it's a fantasy! blokes aren't any more expecting to sleep with these women any more than women who admire muscly adonises are expecting to have regular sex with them. They are ideals, not expectations.

If you feel this way then stop having sex with him? It’s really not a situation where you need to message him saying, ‘I know we’ve been having sex for a year but are you actually sexually attracted to me’ is very cringe and quite pathetic.

Why have sex with someone when you’re unsure if they’re actually sexually attracted to you? Doesn’t quite make sense

I follow a bedroom coach. And hot women. And hot men. I'm still attracted to the man I'm sleeping with who is very overweight

you sound very unhappy, which is reason enough to stop this ‘relationship’, whatever you are calling it. It’s clearly doing you no good.

If you believe this to be true you should definitely dump him.

You don't need to have a conversation about whether or not he's attracted to you. Particularly as you're not in a relationship.

I will add that every one of my fellas celebrity crushes are black/multiracial and I am of white Irish descent. Freckles, light hair, crispy bacon in the sun type vibe.
These women are also all very naturally curvy (excellent bums), whereas I kinda have to work hard at the gym to force myself to have an arse
But I never look at them and think 'aaaah he must not be attracted to me then'

Attraction is much more than skin deep & obsessing over it to this degree is your problem with your own self esteem, not his problem. You can't interrogate him about it

It seems like you've already made your mind up on this one OP.
You've already decided you think he's lying.
Even just as FWB it really shouldn't be causing you this much worry.

Gosh you are hard work.

Basic biology. If his penis gets hard, he is attracted to you. You've been shagging him a year. He's not in a relationship or exclusive to you, so you're weird to police a single man's social media. People have certain types, preferences. That is okay. I'm married to a beautiful man who isn't stereotypically my type. I'm still attracted to him and we have an amazing sex life.

Yes, you need to work on your self esteem. You have no right quizzing a single man on what he likes. Butt out, it's none of your business and you look totally barmy.

Just end it and save the interrogation. Maybe work on yourself before you start sleeping with someone again.

so what if he likes smaller looking women, he's allowed to. What's wrong with that?

Sounds like you're insecure about your size and nothing more.

I think this is a troll now. Although people with zero emotional intelligence do exist, this is just blatant bollix.

On the VERY off chance this is true, please ask this guy OP and hopefully it’ll prompt him to run a mile and never see you again. You don’t like him, don’t believe him and think he’s a creepy liar based on instagram ffs. Yet you still have sex with him.

That makes you not very nice.

What a strange thread.

I think the real question is 'do YOU find your body type attractive'? because him looking at women on social media who look different to you seems to have made you feel very insecure. If that's because you're unhappy with your body then do something to change it(diet/exercise I mean, not surgery). If you're happy with how you look then who gives a fuck if he follows models on Instagram. Nearly all men follow those types of accounts and I guarantee they're not all married/in loving relationships with Angelina Jolie lookalikes. Doesn't mean they're not having great sex with their real life partners though.

I think it's time to look for a new FWB by the way coz it doesn't sound like you're that attracted to him anymore anyway.