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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating across the pond

114 replies

thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 17:32

I've been talking to a guy that I met online for over five years now. We are both mid 30's. He lives in the states and I'm in the UK.
We go though periods of sometimes talking every day, sometimes multiple times a day.
Then go for a few weeks of not talking at all.
We video chat so I know at least he is who he claims to be physically.
I'm so drawn to him and love our conversations.
He wants to meet up and has offered to pay for my ticket to go to New Jersey for a weekend.
I'm so tempted. I feel you only live once and it's been five years so there's definitely a connection there.
Would you go if you really liked someone or am I being crazy for even considering it?

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 15/09/2023 19:32

Ha. Now I have. I retract my advice. But I still recommend a trip-somewhere-to get yourself out of this weird rut you seem to be in op.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 18/09/2023 04:30

Update for anyone who cares to hear.
I've not slept very well (for various reasons, not because of this) the past few days so I'm wide awake:
I asked him to explain why exactly he can't come over here and what his charges are.
I didn't tell him that I'd posted anything on here, but I did say that I needed to know.
Well, surprise he has read my messages but not bothered to respond.
I did already know after all your comments it wasn't wise to go. But I did just want to hear what he had to say to say for himself::

OP posts:
Mehmeh22 · 18/09/2023 04:58

I had a long term relationship online and he was everything he said he was. We did video calling too. When we finally decided to meet, all the ideas of what he was like were just in my head. Anyone can be nice for periods of time Online but face to face is totally different.

I ended up with him for 4 years after that, with suken cost fallacy. He was so emotionally abusive it nearly broke me. Saying that the experience taught me what I wanted in a relationship and I am now with an amazing man, but I knew that it was important to meet people online very quickly if I wanted to date them because it is easy to get sucked into the idea of who they are rather than the reality.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 18/09/2023 05:45

Oh man I am so sorry to hear that.
There are clearly lots of red flags for me hear too.

OP posts:
Calistano · 18/09/2023 05:50

Please say you don't send him any money. I think he saw you coming tbh

Original poster
thatladyinred · 18/09/2023 06:03

Calistano · 18/09/2023 05:50

Please say you don't send him any money. I think he saw you coming tbh

Oh no way. Never. He's never asked me for money. I wouldn't give him any either.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 18/09/2023 06:48

I've just caught up with the updates on here.

I'm glad ypu posted, OP. It might have been difficult to read some of rhe responses (I agree with them) but I'm pleased to read that you've decided not to go.

You've said it's not unusual for there to he periods where he doesn't respond so he might well do so yet but please keep your wits about you.

He has given you little snippets along the way (eg his life probation) to test your boundaries. Given that you've now asked specifically about his crimes, he might realise he's hit the end of the line with you. He will have seen this before - he'll recognise the light bulb moment.

But, just in case, please don't let yourself be drawn back in to this. Get on with living your real life in the real world and good luck.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 18/09/2023 07:51

GreyCarpet · 18/09/2023 06:48

I've just caught up with the updates on here.

I'm glad ypu posted, OP. It might have been difficult to read some of rhe responses (I agree with them) but I'm pleased to read that you've decided not to go.

You've said it's not unusual for there to he periods where he doesn't respond so he might well do so yet but please keep your wits about you.

He has given you little snippets along the way (eg his life probation) to test your boundaries. Given that you've now asked specifically about his crimes, he might realise he's hit the end of the line with you. He will have seen this before - he'll recognise the light bulb moment.

But, just in case, please don't let yourself be drawn back in to this. Get on with living your real life in the real world and good luck.

Thank you for the reply. It was hard to hear but most definitely important and I did need to hear the comments which I've taken on board x

OP posts:
MoaningMolly · 18/09/2023 11:23

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 09:18

The reason I know I'm going to get roasted is because he can't come here (England) due to being on life probation. He's not in prison but he can't leave the country ever.
I would never normally engage with such a person. But if what he's telling me is true then I don't blame him for what he did and I'd do the same too.

Definitely drip feeding.. more info definitely required

Original poster
thatladyinred · 18/09/2023 12:08

It's not a drip feed. The whole thread is explained.

OP posts:
Ollifer · 18/09/2023 12:23

I am an extremely impulsive person and in your shoes I'd have probably upped and gone a few years ago. However now I'm a little older and wiser (sometimes!) I would be putting this 'relationship' to bed I think. He's never going to be able to come and visit you, he may or may not be lying about his convictions, you can go weeks or months without talking, both seeing other people. Honestly op it's a cliche but there are so many more fish in the sea - I think you'd be better off throwing this one back.

Mehmeh22 · 18/09/2023 12:28

One thing to consider too....you will never meet people IRL or in this country if you are speaking to him. I feel you need a break from it for a bit. You don't want to be late 30s, having spent years focusing on him and then you're no further forward. You're missing opportunities to meet others without realising it

Original poster
thatladyinred · 18/09/2023 13:08

Ollifer · 18/09/2023 12:23

I am an extremely impulsive person and in your shoes I'd have probably upped and gone a few years ago. However now I'm a little older and wiser (sometimes!) I would be putting this 'relationship' to bed I think. He's never going to be able to come and visit you, he may or may not be lying about his convictions, you can go weeks or months without talking, both seeing other people. Honestly op it's a cliche but there are so many more fish in the sea - I think you'd be better off throwing this one back.

You are absolutely right. It's time I left him alone.
Prior to knowing about all his 'shit' I really was tempted.
At the time I had just started my business and then covid happened so I just put it all on the back burner.
But now I do see it with all the red flags so thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 18/09/2023 13:14

I hear all the advice. I'm just feeling so sad and deflated.

OP posts:
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