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Original poster

Dating across the pond

114 replies

thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 17:32

I've been talking to a guy that I met online for over five years now. We are both mid 30's. He lives in the states and I'm in the UK.
We go though periods of sometimes talking every day, sometimes multiple times a day.
Then go for a few weeks of not talking at all.
We video chat so I know at least he is who he claims to be physically.
I'm so drawn to him and love our conversations.
He wants to meet up and has offered to pay for my ticket to go to New Jersey for a weekend.
I'm so tempted. I feel you only live once and it's been five years so there's definitely a connection there.
Would you go if you really liked someone or am I being crazy for even considering it?

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 15/09/2023 14:07

I'm American. If he's calling it treason, that means it's likely cartel/gang related, and he killed the head of the cartel/gang.

For the love of all that's good and decent. PLEASE STAY AWAY from this man!

Stop all contact. You're close to the mark when you say psychopaths are charming. They are, until they turn on you. You've been warned.

LusaBatoosa · 15/09/2023 14:24

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 13:31

@BMW6 no I'm not ND or Bipolar thank you very much 🙄.
I got sucked in and liked him. I've often found his stories sketchy. That's why I said I think he's full of shit.

You’ve often found his stories sketchy and think he’s full of shit, but you’re still drawn to him, have been talking to him for five years and were considering getting on a plane to visit him?

You must see the issues with that sort of thinking?

LusaBatoosa · 15/09/2023 14:28

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 13:35

Of course we've discussed meeting multiple times. He's not always on my radar. I have my own business to run and my own life so I'm not always thinking about him.
We go on and off periods of speaking.
I was just posting a question as I'm curious to meet him.
I don't know why people have to be so nasty about it.

Show quote history

Not a single poster is being nasty. They’re asking all the logical questions and pointing out that you’re thinking about this is coming across as quite wildly disordered. The things you’re saying and your attitude towards it all are worrying, OP.

Cupcakekiller · 15/09/2023 14:41

There are many criminals much closer to home to date if that's what floats your boat OP. Why bother?

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 14:45

@LusaBatoosa people calling me stupid I would say is nasty.
I've already said multiple times I'm not going. It's just a topic for conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 14:51

LifeExperience · 15/09/2023 14:07

I'm American. If he's calling it treason, that means it's likely cartel/gang related, and he killed the head of the cartel/gang.

For the love of all that's good and decent. PLEASE STAY AWAY from this man!

Stop all contact. You're close to the mark when you say psychopaths are charming. They are, until they turn on you. You've been warned.

He did say he used to be in a gang! Thank you for the warning...
Out of interest, if he did kill the head of a gang wouldn't he have to be in hiding for the rest of his life and wouldn't he have gotten a longer sentence if it was indeed murder?
He said he 'only' got five years.
I'm not entertaining the thought of meeting him anymore, I'm just curious.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 15/09/2023 14:52

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 14:45

@LusaBatoosa people calling me stupid I would say is nasty.
I've already said multiple times I'm not going. It's just a topic for conversation.

What you proposed to do was stupid. That is a factual statement.

And you have refused to address:

  • Why you were ‘drawn’ to a man you think is shady and full of shit.
  • Why you were even considering it (it wasn’t just a topic of conversation when you posted it - this was actually something you were considering).
  • Why you didn’t do basic research as to what offences in NJ carry a lifetime travel ban.
  • How your position on this has swung wildly in every direction on this thread, based on that of whoever last posted.
LusaBatoosa · 15/09/2023 14:53

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 14:51

He did say he used to be in a gang! Thank you for the warning...
Out of interest, if he did kill the head of a gang wouldn't he have to be in hiding for the rest of his life and wouldn't he have gotten a longer sentence if it was indeed murder?
He said he 'only' got five years.
I'm not entertaining the thought of meeting him anymore, I'm just curious.

Show quote history

He did say he used to be in a gang!

Jesus Christ.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 15:11

@LusaBatoosa Ok, fair points and point taken.
Obviously I was considering going to meet him but had reservations, which is what lead to the post.
When I first started talking to him I didn't know any of this and had no qualms whatsoever.
He was local to my friend and I was in the area so just chatted to a guy online whom I thought was handsome and funny. Very easy going and good to talk to. That's why I was drawn to him.
I was considering visiting as I genuinely like our conversations and I go to the states fairly often anyway so thought I may as well.
I didn't do any research on his sentence as I literally just found out about it. So I had no idea.
Of course my position has swung as I'm hearing other people's opinions and some horrible experiences which makes me think.
I'm grateful for all the comments as it really does put things into perspective.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 15/09/2023 15:11

LusaBatoosa · 15/09/2023 14:52

What you proposed to do was stupid. That is a factual statement.

And you have refused to address:

  • Why you were ‘drawn’ to a man you think is shady and full of shit.
  • Why you were even considering it (it wasn’t just a topic of conversation when you posted it - this was actually something you were considering).
  • Why you didn’t do basic research as to what offences in NJ carry a lifetime travel ban.
  • How your position on this has swung wildly in every direction on this thread, based on that of whoever last posted.
Show quote history

Quite. No-one is saying you are stupid OP - but your reasoning is contradictory, disjointed and illogical, based on the insights you have given into your thoughts of this "relationship".

It's also quite disturbing that you are finding your association with such a person and discovering more about their criminal activity "interesting" and "entertaining".

He is very likely a sex offender given the information above about NJ laws. If I had gotten to know someone over 5 years and found out this background I'd be horrified and disgusted and would immediately stop all contact and have a very long hot shower.

I wouldn't be interested, entertained and contemplate for a single second going to meet such trash.

What the heck is wrong with you?

BMW6 · 15/09/2023 15:13

Cross posted with your latest but my remarks still stand.

Zanatdy · 15/09/2023 15:20

I was going to say yes why not and stay in a hotel / meet in a public place. Then I saw your comment about him being on life probation. No, no way. Please stay safe

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 15:24

Right. I said I found him 'interesting' and 'entertaining' before I knew about any criminal activity.
But I do hear your point. I thank you for your input. I take it all on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 15:27

To point out why I didn't look up NJ law is because he's doesn't live there anymore.
When I first started talking to him I was in Atlanta.
Anyway, I am glad I posted this as it given me a huge wake up call! Thank you all for the comments.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 15/09/2023 15:30

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 15:27

To point out why I didn't look up NJ law is because he's doesn't live there anymore.
When I first started talking to him I was in Atlanta.
Anyway, I am glad I posted this as it given me a huge wake up call! Thank you all for the comments.

Did you look up crimes that carried a lifetime travel ban in Georgia, then?

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 15:34

@LusaBatoosa No I didn't. I guess that's where I am stupid then.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 15/09/2023 15:38

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 15:11

@LusaBatoosa Ok, fair points and point taken.
Obviously I was considering going to meet him but had reservations, which is what lead to the post.
When I first started talking to him I didn't know any of this and had no qualms whatsoever.
He was local to my friend and I was in the area so just chatted to a guy online whom I thought was handsome and funny. Very easy going and good to talk to. That's why I was drawn to him.
I was considering visiting as I genuinely like our conversations and I go to the states fairly often anyway so thought I may as well.
I didn't do any research on his sentence as I literally just found out about it. So I had no idea.
Of course my position has swung as I'm hearing other people's opinions and some horrible experiences which makes me think.
I'm grateful for all the comments as it really does put things into perspective.

You’re not addressing what I’ve said.

Obviously I was considering going to meet him but had reservations, which is what lead to the post.

Yes, and you already knew all of the shady stuff about him at the point of writing the post. So why were you still considering going?

When I first started talking to him I didn't know any of this and had no qualms whatsoever.
He was local to my friend and I was in the area so just chatted to a guy online whom I thought was handsome and funny. Very easy going and good to talk to. That's why I was drawn to him.

You know now. So, again, why was going even a question?

I didn't do any research on his sentence as I literally just found out about it. So I had no idea.

You found out before you made this post. It took other posters mere seconds to look up the relevant information. Why didn’t you?

LusaBatoosa · 15/09/2023 15:39

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 15:34

@LusaBatoosa No I didn't. I guess that's where I am stupid then.

Cross post. I’m not calling you stupid. I’m asking you to consider why you’ve acted and reacted this way.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 15:41

I guess I was blindsided. It just didn't occur to me.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 15/09/2023 15:43

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 15:34

@LusaBatoosa No I didn't. I guess that's where I am stupid then.

You also don't generally get banned from leaving the US as a result of a crime, unless one is actively placed on probation afterwards. You get banned from entering other countries by those other countries based on the crime, in which case it doesn't matter if the crime was committed in GA or NJ or anywhere else - inadmissible is inadmissible.

Farmageddon · 15/09/2023 15:43

You're not stupid OP, you've been taken in by a charmer - has happened to loads of us. They always have a reason for things, that sounds somewhat plausible, things that happened were never their fault, and they are used to painting themselves in a favourable light. I'm sure he is handsome and charming, but trust your gut, this guy is not good boyfriend material.

Maybe the reason you are sort of fixating on him is because you're lonely or something right now, and he fills a void. You are able to fill in a lot of the blanks and project stuff onto him because you only know little fractions of his life.

Be kind to yourself, but be firm and realise you need to cut the cord with this guy, he will never be a viable relationship prospect. Maybe just a nice distraction.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 15:59

Farmageddon · 15/09/2023 15:43

You're not stupid OP, you've been taken in by a charmer - has happened to loads of us. They always have a reason for things, that sounds somewhat plausible, things that happened were never their fault, and they are used to painting themselves in a favourable light. I'm sure he is handsome and charming, but trust your gut, this guy is not good boyfriend material.

Maybe the reason you are sort of fixating on him is because you're lonely or something right now, and he fills a void. You are able to fill in a lot of the blanks and project stuff onto him because you only know little fractions of his life.

Be kind to yourself, but be firm and realise you need to cut the cord with this guy, he will never be a viable relationship prospect. Maybe just a nice distraction.

Thank you for the kind words. Truly appreciate them. A lot of what you said is true.

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 15/09/2023 19:02

I'd go and additionally have a nice time somewhere in America. What have you got to lose? Lovely!

piscofrisco · 15/09/2023 19:04

Even if you meet him and it's disappointing, well 1) you've had a trip and a bit of an adventure out of it 2) you can put an end to it and move on.

Option 3 is that he is great, you fall madly in love, and it's ends up roses!

Ragwort · 15/09/2023 19:30

pisco have you actually read the thread? Hmm

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