Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating across the pond

114 replies

thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 17:32

I've been talking to a guy that I met online for over five years now. We are both mid 30's. He lives in the states and I'm in the UK.
We go though periods of sometimes talking every day, sometimes multiple times a day.
Then go for a few weeks of not talking at all.
We video chat so I know at least he is who he claims to be physically.
I'm so drawn to him and love our conversations.
He wants to meet up and has offered to pay for my ticket to go to New Jersey for a weekend.
I'm so tempted. I feel you only live once and it's been five years so there's definitely a connection there.
Would you go if you really liked someone or am I being crazy for even considering it?

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 10:30

The reason he's told me he is on life probation is because of gun charges.
He said someone came shooting at his cousin so he shot them.
I realise this sounds crazy, especially for a thread on MN as guns are pretty much unheard of here.
I'm not saying I believe everything he's told me. But on the small chance he is telling the truth I would definitely shoot someone if they were coming after a family member of mine!

OP posts:
NorseKiwi · 15/09/2023 10:33

Honestly, I would stay well clear, he wont be worth the hassle.

DrivingCadillacsInOurDreams · 15/09/2023 10:41

Have you told any friends or family in real life about him? Not necessarily about going to see him, but just about your 5 year friendship?

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 10:52

DrivingCadillacsInOurDreams · 15/09/2023 10:41

Have you told any friends or family in real life about him? Not necessarily about going to see him, but just about your 5 year friendship?

Yes of course. They've been with me when I've video called. They all liked him. He's a charmer and comes across as a very nice person..
As I'm typing I realise that psychopaths come across as this way too 🤣.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 10:54

Mum1976Mum · 15/09/2023 09:50

Have you actually read why you get lifetime probation in New Jersey?

The sentence of parole supervision for life (PSL) is mandatory in New Jersey for anyone convicted of certain sex offenses, including sexual assault, endangering the welfare of a child and sex crimes against a kidnapping victim under age 16.

You seriously want to be with a man convicted of any of these? I suspect he hasn’t told you the truth.

He said it was treason. What could that be? I'm genuinely curious. I haven't committed to meeting him. I see the red flags. This is why I posted on here for feedback.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 15/09/2023 10:56

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 09:18

The reason I know I'm going to get roasted is because he can't come here (England) due to being on life probation. He's not in prison but he can't leave the country ever.
I would never normally engage with such a person. But if what he's telling me is true then I don't blame him for what he did and I'd do the same too.

I was about to say, go for it, what have you got to lose? But from your update, I'd give this one a miss tbh.

Life probation I assume is similar to being out but on licence. You have to have done some serious shit to be on licence for life and unable to leave the country! Confused

Comedycook · 15/09/2023 10:57

I'd totally go but I'm a terrible decision maker so don't listen to me

Comedycook · 15/09/2023 10:58

Oh yikes just read the situation with him not being able to leave the country!!!! Do not go! seriously.

Gurthnamuckla · 15/09/2023 10:58

So you want to go to the US to meet someone you’ve never met but have been talking to for five years, and who shot someone so can’t leave the country?

No. Just no. This would be a monumentally stupid and potentially dangerous move.

TwoBoysTooMany76 · 15/09/2023 11:01

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 10:30

The reason he's told me he is on life probation is because of gun charges.
He said someone came shooting at his cousin so he shot them.
I realise this sounds crazy, especially for a thread on MN as guns are pretty much unheard of here.
I'm not saying I believe everything he's told me. But on the small chance he is telling the truth I would definitely shoot someone if they were coming after a family member of mine!

Uh, I don't think anyone in their right mind would "definitely shoot someone if they were coming after a family member of mine"! To actually use a gun on someone knowing they could be killed by the weapon (regardless of motive or what happened beforehand) is not a healthy mentality, IMO. I think you have been influenced by him to think this is normal! Just because guns are legal in the US doesn't mean everyone goes HAM on them!

I have a warning tale. My friend went to the States to marry someone she had a two year 'virtual' courtship. They did meet twice - she went over to see him for a few weeks and he did the same. She said they talked about everything and discussed everything. She gave up her well-paying job and moved over with her two teen children. He's turned out to be an abusive arsehole, she can't get a job despite having a green card, he's about to lose his job so it's all fun and games there right now. And she's stuck as her children love the US (he's only abusive to her in private, oh joy!) and they don't have any money now to separate in a way beneficial to both.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:02

Comedycook · 15/09/2023 10:57

I'd totally go but I'm a terrible decision maker so don't listen to me

🤣 I'm clearly a terrible decision maker too! I'm not so worried about it as I know other people out there so if he's awful I have other places to go.

OP posts:
caerdydd12 · 15/09/2023 11:02

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 10:54

He said it was treason. What could that be? I'm genuinely curious. I haven't committed to meeting him. I see the red flags. This is why I posted on here for feedback.

Show quote history

Having googled I can't see anything like that. Lifetime probation seems to only be for kidnapping, child sex offences, luring, sexual assault and aggravated sexual assault or attempting to commit the above.

Even if you found the above acceptable, and I've no idea why anyone would, why would you commit to a relationship where you have to give up everything and move there with no chance of overseas holidays, coming back to visit family together etc.

It sounds like a ridiculous decision.

Aintnosupermum · 15/09/2023 11:03

You are absolutely crazy to consider having anything to do with this man. Lifetime parole is very very serious. It’s a serious crime and it’s repeated behavior.

Nothing good will come from this.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:08

Thank you for all the replies. I truly do appreciate all the input.
I won't be going.
I definitely romanticised the whole situation.
I clearly knew there was a red flag hence why I haven't gone in the five years.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:15

Playing devils advocate now, I've already decided not to go. But... If someone committed a crime in their teens and are now in their 30's doing well with their own business etc.. do we assume that they must be a terrible person and not capable of redemption?

OP posts:
caerdydd12 · 15/09/2023 11:23

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:15

Playing devils advocate now, I've already decided not to go. But... If someone committed a crime in their teens and are now in their 30's doing well with their own business etc.. do we assume that they must be a terrible person and not capable of redemption?

Why would you want to play devil's advocate? He's some sort of sex offender, and to have lifetime probation he must have been a repeat offender.

Lifetime probation can actually be removed after 15 years if they can prove they're no longer at risk of offending, so the fact it hasn't also speaks volumes.

I would also be very sceptical that lifetime probation would be a consequence of a crime committed while underage so I wouldn't expect you've had the whole truth.

But no, to answer your question I don't believe someone who committed sex acts against children for example, can ever be redeemed.

ChristopherTalken · 15/09/2023 11:34

Can I ask why neither of you have met before? Flights to NYC are not expensive.

And if money is actually a factor, then the relationship is doomed anyway. Long distance relationships are expensive.

I think I would take this as a fun fling but not consider it serious and certainly not stop me from pursuing other people here.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:35

ChristopherTalken · 15/09/2023 11:34

Can I ask why neither of you have met before? Flights to NYC are not expensive.

And if money is actually a factor, then the relationship is doomed anyway. Long distance relationships are expensive.

I think I would take this as a fun fling but not consider it serious and certainly not stop me from pursuing other people here.

If you read the thread there's a whole explanation there.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:39

Who said anything about sex offenders and child abusers??!
People are acting crazy on here. I never claimed he was a saint but America hands out hefty sentences for lots of things. Why would anyone assume it's due to child offences?
I have googled him of course. Nothing comes up.

OP posts:
LittleObe · 15/09/2023 11:40

I'd be worried he was trafficking you. Why else would he rather you visit him with him paying than he gets to come to your country for a holiday?

Does he have a criminal history so can't get a visa?

lost78300 · 15/09/2023 11:42

Go for it. As you say you only live once. Just plan somewhere to stay and meet for the first time in a public place.

Make the most of your holiday and see some things.

lost78300 · 15/09/2023 11:44

Scrap that. I've just read the rest of your thread.

ChristopherTalken · 15/09/2023 11:52

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:35

If you read the thread there's a whole explanation there.

Show quote history

Sorry I missed that - but also - absolutely not. Hard enough for a long term relationship to survive even without one of you being a convicted criminal unable to travel internationally. I wouldnt limit myself, personally.

I think my point still stands - if after 5 years there has never been a plan for you to meet, its not going to happen and you would be a fool to think he doesnt see other women.

If he liked you, he would have made it happen by now.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:57

I know he's surely seeing other women. I also date other people. We have never said we are exclusive.
I'm not saying he's the one and only. I'm just cut about him and drawn to him.
As mentioned before, I know it's all crazy. I've just never met someone who I like as much. I guess that's why I keep talking to him.

OP posts:
caerdydd12 · 15/09/2023 11:58

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:39

Who said anything about sex offenders and child abusers??!
People are acting crazy on here. I never claimed he was a saint but America hands out hefty sentences for lots of things. Why would anyone assume it's due to child offences?
I have googled him of course. Nothing comes up.

Because we've googled why New Jersey imposes a lifetime probation and it's ONLY for kidnapping, luring, aggravated sexual assault and sex offences against children. That's why.