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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating across the pond

114 replies

thatladyinred · 14/09/2023 17:32

I've been talking to a guy that I met online for over five years now. We are both mid 30's. He lives in the states and I'm in the UK.
We go though periods of sometimes talking every day, sometimes multiple times a day.
Then go for a few weeks of not talking at all.
We video chat so I know at least he is who he claims to be physically.
I'm so drawn to him and love our conversations.
He wants to meet up and has offered to pay for my ticket to go to New Jersey for a weekend.
I'm so tempted. I feel you only live once and it's been five years so there's definitely a connection there.
Would you go if you really liked someone or am I being crazy for even considering it?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 15/09/2023 12:01

OMG surely you have better options, if you want a relationship this seems a waste of time and other opportunities, at best!

CinnamonBear · 15/09/2023 12:01

FYI - https://nj.gov/njsp/sex-offender-registry/index.shtml

You should search for him here, but I don't think he's given you his real name if you couldn't find anything on Google.

New Jersey Sex Offender Internet Registry | New Jersey State Police

https://nj.gov/njsp/sex-offender-registry/index.shtml

ChristopherTalken · 15/09/2023 12:03

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:57

I know he's surely seeing other women. I also date other people. We have never said we are exclusive.
I'm not saying he's the one and only. I'm just cut about him and drawn to him.
As mentioned before, I know it's all crazy. I've just never met someone who I like as much. I guess that's why I keep talking to him.

I think on paper its all very exciting - I get that. I would keep him as a fantasy personally. The reality will be he is either a huge disappointment, or if you do like each other, its unlikely to last in the long term because of the financial strains etc.

Ladyj84 · 15/09/2023 12:04

Crazy,stupid even thinking of going. Guns, can't leave country hmmmm but if you want to be stupid go for it but don't come crying when it goes wrong and besides you only know his half of the story also. Block and move on

EmpressaurusOfCats · 15/09/2023 12:04

Is he saying that he was committing treason by shooting someone?

cheezncrackers · 15/09/2023 12:24

Surely no one is this naive?

CinnamonBear · 15/09/2023 12:27

EmpressaurusOfCats · 15/09/2023 12:04

Is he saying that he was committing treason by shooting someone?

Goodness knows how treason for shooting someone would work. If someone was convicted for treason against NJ it would be all over the internet. I can't find anything.

From the NJ constitution: Treason against the State shall consist only in levying war against it, or in adhering to its enemies, giving them aid and comfort. No person shall be convicted of treason, unless on the testimony of two witnesses to the same overt act, or on confession in open court.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 12:43

I think he was being facetious about the treason.
I already know he's full of shit. Like I said, I'm not actually going to go!
I'm interested to see what he has to say though. A little investigation would be entertaining!

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 15/09/2023 12:47

If he's a sex offender he's never going to freely admit it. He'll come up with the least innocuous thing he can think of that would also give him a lifetime licence and what better than to come up with something that paints him as the hero?

He's probably given you a fake name or he's changed his name since he was released from prison. It's very common for sex offenders to do this when they get out so future partners and employers can't easily find out who they are.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 12:55

cheezncrackers · 15/09/2023 12:47

If he's a sex offender he's never going to freely admit it. He'll come up with the least innocuous thing he can think of that would also give him a lifetime licence and what better than to come up with something that paints him as the hero?

He's probably given you a fake name or he's changed his name since he was released from prison. It's very common for sex offenders to do this when they get out so future partners and employers can't easily find out who they are.

Edited

My gosh, you could be right. I generally like to give people the benefit of the doubt. My mind would never automatically assume that someone was a sex offender!
This is still all speculation though. It's a wild assumption!

OP posts:
Mum1976Mum · 15/09/2023 13:00

It’s not a wild assumption! It literally says….in the New Jersey law books….that life probation orders are only given for sex crimes.

We found this out in a one minute Google. You obviously haven’t thought to check out his story in 5 years which is concerning in itself.

MakeMineADouble81 · 15/09/2023 13:04

I don't think you should go but if you can afford to use the PI firm suggested upthread it might be easier for you to gain closure if you can find out the real reason for his conviction. Although he may be difficult to track if he's given you a false name.

TheLuckyOnes · 15/09/2023 13:07

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 11:15

Playing devils advocate now, I've already decided not to go. But... If someone committed a crime in their teens and are now in their 30's doing well with their own business etc.. do we assume that they must be a terrible person and not capable of redemption?

Even assuming that he's telling you the truth, which seems unlikely given other posters' quick researches of NJ lifetime probation stipulations, why on earth would you want to be the one to 'redeem' a man who has committed a serious crime, when there are a lot of other men in the world who have managed not to shoot someone (to go along for a moment with his explanation)?

You've got a version of the classic Death Row penpal attitude, it seems to me.

BMW6 · 15/09/2023 13:07

Mum1976Mum · 15/09/2023 13:00

It’s not a wild assumption! It literally says….in the New Jersey law books….that life probation orders are only given for sex crimes.

We found this out in a one minute Google. You obviously haven’t thought to check out his story in 5 years which is concerning in itself.

This!

And you are now saying you know he is full of shit - when did that revelation take place?

Your thinking patterns are terribly disordered - wild swinging from one point of view to the opposite in a moment.

I must ask - are you ND? Bipolar?

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 15/09/2023 13:15

You googled him. Nothing. Can you be sure he gave you his real name?
Watch Love After Lockup!!

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 13:20

Mum1976Mum · 15/09/2023 13:00

It’s not a wild assumption! It literally says….in the New Jersey law books….that life probation orders are only given for sex crimes.

We found this out in a one minute Google. You obviously haven’t thought to check out his story in 5 years which is concerning in itself.

He only told about the ban to travel recently. So I had no reason to look this up previously.
I am not completely stupid as others have suggested. I clearly see the warning signs which is why I haven't gone in five years and why I was posting on here.

OP posts:
TheInterceptor · 15/09/2023 13:30

Do you have children, OP?

BMW6 · 15/09/2023 13:31

So when he told you about the travel ban "recently" you didn't immediately google to find out more?

In 5 years you've never discussed meeting up before now??

You have been conscious of all the warning signs all this time but Yet you are so very drawn to him??

Stranger and stranger.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 13:31

@BMW6 no I'm not ND or Bipolar thank you very much 🙄.
I got sucked in and liked him. I've often found his stories sketchy. That's why I said I think he's full of shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 13:32

TheInterceptor · 15/09/2023 13:30

Do you have children, OP?

No

OP posts:
Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 13:35

BMW6 · 15/09/2023 13:31

So when he told you about the travel ban "recently" you didn't immediately google to find out more?

In 5 years you've never discussed meeting up before now??

You have been conscious of all the warning signs all this time but Yet you are so very drawn to him??

Stranger and stranger.

Edited

Of course we've discussed meeting multiple times. He's not always on my radar. I have my own business to run and my own life so I'm not always thinking about him.
We go on and off periods of speaking.
I was just posting a question as I'm curious to meet him.
I don't know why people have to be so nasty about it.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 15/09/2023 13:36

thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 13:31

@BMW6 no I'm not ND or Bipolar thank you very much 🙄.
I got sucked in and liked him. I've often found his stories sketchy. That's why I said I think he's full of shit.

But surely you can see that saying this makes your current musings about going over to meet him even more fucking odd and frankly batshit!!

That's why I'm wondering about your MH. It makes zero sense otherwise.

Original poster
thatladyinred · 15/09/2023 13:40

@BMW6 curiosity, that's all. I would have factored it in with a visit to my friend also.

OP posts:
Blough · 15/09/2023 13:51

‘I didn't say I was dating him’ …re-read your thread title 😄
Very poor judgement to consider meeting a sex offender/kidnapper, which as PP have already said, is what he’ll have committed in that state to get that sentence, which is easily googleable.
And nope, to your ‘devil’s advocate’ question. I’d never date a criminal, I value myself and there is no shortage of penis out there.

mug2018 · 15/09/2023 13:52

Watch "90 day fiancé" .. it may give you some pointers

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