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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OLD guy has said we’re not sexually compatible

368 replies

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 12:17

I’m feeling very raw today, see username (created for this thread, I am a longtime MN poster)

I’ve done OLD on and off for a few years since divorce and had some fun times as well as a couple of longer term boyfriends from it.

I had a couple of dates with a guy from an app and met him for a third date for an evening drink on Saturday. We really clicked, there was loads of chemistry and we decided to have dinner too. I was happy to go back to his apartment to sleep with him, we were both a bit merry but happy to proceed. We had what I thought was quite a hot, exciting time in bed together but annoyingly I came on during sex and so inevitably there was some blood on the sheets afterwards, I didn’t realise what had happened until afterwards. Of course I apologised but he went into the bathroom to remove condom. We both fell asleep soon afterwards. All seemed ok in the morning, he made coffee and we chatted and cuddled up in bed but he had to get going for lunch with his family. I thought we left on a nice note, nice kiss and “see you soon”. He messaged shortly after I left saying that it had been great to see me, I had that lovely warm feeling for the rest of the afternoon.

This is the humiliating bit, I messaged him last night to say that I had really enjoyed being with him and when could we get together again for a date. He got back to me this morning with a total shit sandwich, “you’re a wonderful woman, so interesting and warm BUT (here goes) the blood was a turn off and I also didn’t like the way you touched my hair during sex, I am not a baby. I’m happy to see you again as a friend but not as a date.”

I was totally gutted. I have never had a response like that from a man I’ve had sex with, it actually made me feel sick. I wrote back and apologised and explained and even reassured him that I don’t have any STIs (ss to him some recent sexual health check results), he responded by saying - don’t worry about it, we’re just not compatible in bed.

WTF? How do I get past this? It’s blindsided me.

OP posts:
SaulHudsonDavidJones · 11/09/2023 13:16

Feel better knowing someone like that will have been 'incompatible' with many other women in the past and will continue to be in the future. No pleasing some people, he's an incredibly immature guy.

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 11/09/2023 13:16

You dodged a bullet. Women of menstruating age occasionally bleed in inconvenient situations, if he can't handle that he is not a keeper.

Weefreetiffany · 11/09/2023 13:17

Also insulting you but saying then he’d like to stay friends just means he’s made you feel vulnerable/less than but will accept extra attention from you if you’re desperate enough to chase him under the guise of “friendship” as long as you don’t make any demands on him. It’s proper negging/conman/fuckboy behaviour. Don’t let it impact your self esteem or boundaries. Block and move on!

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2023 13:18

Was this guy even decent sexually, did he even help you orgasm? He sounds like a shit potential partner anyway..

TheShinmeister · 11/09/2023 13:20

When I first knew now DH I came down with awful food poisoning. So bad we had to call the doctor out (remember those days?) On one of my trips to the loo I noticed that the bed sheets were smeared in poo. Oh the shame. He still married me ☺️

TedMullins · 11/09/2023 13:24

He’s an immature dick about the blood, sure, but he’s not inherently wrong about feeling that you aren’t compatible or he didn’t like something you did in bed. Have you never slept with someone and been disappointed or turned off by something they did which put you off seeing them again? That’s not a crime. Apart from him being weird over a natural bodily function I don’t think what he said is that bad tbh

GoryBory · 11/09/2023 13:26

WTAF!
How old is he?

He sounds so immature!

I know lots of men and my best friends were boys growing up and now are still very close friends as adults and we share a lot.
I can tell you that I’ve never met a man who gave a shit about period blood and someone touching their hair.

He’s either a very, very odd man or more likely he only wanted a ONS for whatever reason.

You’ve dodged a massive bullet here OP and I’m glad he said what he did so you know not to go back a second time.

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 13:27

GilbertMarkham · 11/09/2023 13:18

Was this guy even decent sexually, did he even help you orgasm? He sounds like a shit potential partner anyway..

No, I didn’t orgasm

OP posts:
SherbertLemons · 11/09/2023 13:28

I imagine the "aim" of OLD is to find "the one". This man child isn't anywhere close!

A blow to your dignity, yes, but also a total dodged bullet. How immature for a man to say that to you about you coming on. He must realise it is both out of your control and something that would have embarrassed you.

The hair thing is just odd. How does one tough hair like a baby? Does he mean you gently touched his hair?!? Gosh whatever next?!? Affection? During sex? Ridiculous! Wink

SleepPrettyDarling · 11/09/2023 13:30

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 13:27

No, I didn’t orgasm

Are you going to reply? I would!

’Thanks for the feedback. I wouldn’t like to meet again, as I feel we do not share the same values and are not compatible as friends.’

HermioneWeasley · 11/09/2023 13:31

OMG, I’ve just seen that you didn’t get come. You have absolutely dodged a bullet

millymog11 · 11/09/2023 13:34

He is a horrible idiot not worthy of one second of your thought. Sadly online dating is absolutely full of them I suspect, I have not been burned in this way but I have heard many similar war stories.
What a total d*ckhead.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 11/09/2023 13:34

Most men would ghost in that situation, if perhaps theyd got the ick. But he didnt, he went for a pass agg negging, with a friend zone chaser. Id say he was properly pissed off that he had to wash his sheets. So consider it a lucky escape.

PansyPolly · 11/09/2023 13:34

Insommmmnia · 11/09/2023 12:56

@C1N1C since when does rough sex kick-start someone's period?

As for not negative feedback- how is "eww you have periods and that turns me off" as if somehow its the OPs fault she's a woman not negative?

He sounds like he would be better off as a gay man if he can't cope with the idea of a woman on her period.

It can for me, if I’m due in a couple of days.

OP, guy is an absolute wankbadger, you are well rid. All he had to say was “I had a great time but unfortunately can’t see us working out longer term” or whatever.

KnobbingtonKnobberson · 11/09/2023 13:35

men can be very peculiar creatures.

workshy46 · 11/09/2023 13:35

I can understand it being a turn off to some guys but he didn't need to be so nasty or humiliate you. There is no easy way to dump someone but there are a multitude of things he could have said.. even ghosting would have been better.

OrlandointheWilderness · 11/09/2023 13:37

One of the first times I had sex with DP I came on as we were just getting into it. I stopped immediately and told him, attempting to leg it to the bathroom. He laughed, told me not to be daft and he really didn't care, then went down on me just to get the point across 😂. He said if you can't cope with bodily fluids you shouldn't be having sex.

Guy is a twat, not for minding as everyone has preferences, but for making you feel bad about it.

DeclineandFall · 11/09/2023 13:38

Oh fuck off! That's not feedback! That's a guy being a power tripping arsehole!

He probably had no intention of seeing her again anyway once he'd got a shag, but just wanted to make her feel bad about it.

A thousand times this. He wanted to fuck women then humiliate them. That's what he gets off on If it hadn't been your period it would've been something else. He's probably told other women a lot worse and ruined their self confidence. I'm really sorry he was shitty to you. At least you didn't spend too long with him.

Fourlegsandatail · 11/09/2023 13:40

Touching a partner’s hair during sex is very normal, it’s not treating him like a baby. What a fucking weirdo.

amispeakingintongues · 11/09/2023 13:41

He sounds pathetic with the sexual and emotional material of a 14 year old. ICK

staceysolo · 11/09/2023 13:42

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Themermaidspool · 11/09/2023 13:46

What? You didnt orgasm and at no point did he put your pleasure first? Dont you dare let him get to you! Whats the point of him then? Be supported by all these outraged women on your behalf!! You can and will do better! Whether that is a ONS or a LTR your pleasure should always come first! No exceptions.

FrogInASock · 11/09/2023 13:50

Maybe you could follow up with an “ahh that’s a shame, you need all the practice you can get with your technique and I was willing to give you another chance since you are missing large chunks of knowledge in making women orgasm. But you are right. So may reasons you aren’t compatible sexually”

scoobydoo1971 · 11/09/2023 13:50

There are loads of players on OLD looking for their next conquest. He just used your period and stroking as excuses to move along to the next pulse to chase. He doesn't like women really and just sees them as a sex things. He did you a MASSIVE favour. No normal man is going to write that, and if he is revolted about body fluids he should have sex in a hazmat suit. Loser aside, your response to him is a bit more worrying. You shouldn't explain anything to him or feel bad about this. Most young women bleed, it is normal and healthy. I've been caught out while having sex, and I dare say most women have. Normal men are so happy to be doing the deed, they don't care. You need to straighten out your self esteem to prevent being hurt by these sorts of 'men'. No excuses for how he behaved, as he is just a bit of a sad act and a weirdo. But don't venture into the OLD bear pit until you get your guard up, and realise you have a right to be respected as a human being.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 11/09/2023 13:51

He just isn't into you. If he was into you the blood thing wouldn't matter. I don't think he is an asshole. I just think he is being honest. He is allowed to not like blood or they way you touched his hair. We all have preferences.

He doesn't want a relationship with you or to take it further.

Rejection is a bitter pill to swallow but you'll get over it.

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