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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OLD guy has said we’re not sexually compatible

368 replies

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 12:17

I’m feeling very raw today, see username (created for this thread, I am a longtime MN poster)

I’ve done OLD on and off for a few years since divorce and had some fun times as well as a couple of longer term boyfriends from it.

I had a couple of dates with a guy from an app and met him for a third date for an evening drink on Saturday. We really clicked, there was loads of chemistry and we decided to have dinner too. I was happy to go back to his apartment to sleep with him, we were both a bit merry but happy to proceed. We had what I thought was quite a hot, exciting time in bed together but annoyingly I came on during sex and so inevitably there was some blood on the sheets afterwards, I didn’t realise what had happened until afterwards. Of course I apologised but he went into the bathroom to remove condom. We both fell asleep soon afterwards. All seemed ok in the morning, he made coffee and we chatted and cuddled up in bed but he had to get going for lunch with his family. I thought we left on a nice note, nice kiss and “see you soon”. He messaged shortly after I left saying that it had been great to see me, I had that lovely warm feeling for the rest of the afternoon.

This is the humiliating bit, I messaged him last night to say that I had really enjoyed being with him and when could we get together again for a date. He got back to me this morning with a total shit sandwich, “you’re a wonderful woman, so interesting and warm BUT (here goes) the blood was a turn off and I also didn’t like the way you touched my hair during sex, I am not a baby. I’m happy to see you again as a friend but not as a date.”

I was totally gutted. I have never had a response like that from a man I’ve had sex with, it actually made me feel sick. I wrote back and apologised and explained and even reassured him that I don’t have any STIs (ss to him some recent sexual health check results), he responded by saying - don’t worry about it, we’re just not compatible in bed.

WTF? How do I get past this? It’s blindsided me.

OP posts:
subolooo · 11/09/2023 12:37

What an absolute cockwomble that man-child seems to be. You've dodged a bullet there OP. If he's scared of a bit of blood he's not going to get very far in life. Forget about it (easier said than done I know) and move on.

fabmaccawhackythumbsaloft · 11/09/2023 12:38

That's definitely not feedback ! Someone else might find it intimate and enjoy having their hair touched

He didn't complain at the time did he !

Ostryga · 11/09/2023 12:39

What a lucky escape you have had that he’s shown you how vile and awful he is so early on.

No need to feel humiliated, I’d be feeling smug at how much better you are than him!

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 12:40

Thank you everyone, your comments make me feel a bit better. There was a fair bit of blood and it was smeared on the covers but obviously it wasn’t on purpose. The hair thing, I like touching a man’s hair and face if I am attracted to him and having sex with him.

OP posts:
Upsizer · 11/09/2023 12:40

He appears not to know how women’s bodies or human affection works.

Don't let this affect you. A woman taking her period in her stride during sex is magnificent.

Actually he IS a baby.

tattygrl · 11/09/2023 12:41

WOW. He's the one who should feel embarrassed! What a silly, immature little boy. If he's put off that badly by period blood he has no business sleeping with women. I'm sorry you had to read those words, OP, it was understandably jarring and I understand why you feel humiliated, but you really don't need to. What a little twat he is. Draw a line under it and move on to better things, OP!

amiold · 11/09/2023 12:43

You shouldn't have replied, certainly not with your results. Or just replied and wished him well. Is he a child ?? He surely know how life works and women bleed.

FWIW this happened to me with my now partner. We had slept together once previously and then due to life we hadn't seen much of each other or not in a home setting until the February.
I bled too, ironically didn't have periods at the time due to being on the pill. I was a bit mortified and said sorry and he was just like don't worry about it and stripped the bed (he was going on nights too so felt bad). He text me when he got to work and said he hoped it wasn't him (I made some joke about it maybe not being as massive as he thought). I apologised again, I laughed it off and said it happens sometimes and explained it had caught me off guard as I didn't really have periods, he said he wasn't bothered about a bit of blood and I don't think he even mentioned it again. I definitely didn't need to justify to it or explain to a grown man why I'd come on my period.

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 12:43

C1N1C · 11/09/2023 12:34

The blood happens... it just sounds like he just has a different style of sex... rougher maybe?

Truth be told, at least you had feedback! This isn't a negative, just a different style... most guys would just ghost you regardless.

Yes, was quite rough but not a problem.

And as another poster commented, no, he didn’t stop so the hair and blood things can’t have bothered him that much.

I’m starting to feel a bit better. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
HappyCatty · 11/09/2023 12:44

Absolutely no need to feel humiliated, this is most definitely a "It's a him problem, not a you problem!"

IsThePopeCatholic · 11/09/2023 12:44

He obviously only likes a sanitized version of women. What a twat!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 12:44

EggInANest · 11/09/2023 12:36

Good grief!

You have nothing to feel humiliated about OP.

What a horrible appalling man. You didn't need to apologise to him after his stupid message, just block him now.

Yes I agree with this!!

Op you're feeling hurt and hormonal now but you will look back one day and be so pleased to have dodged this bullet he's a weirdo.

I think will should apl hold this in mind when upset about ghosting- sometimes the reason is worse!

He has got 'the ick' but it was cruel to tell you those details and body shame you. The hair thing is ridiculous too you could just move someone's hand away or tell them where to touch you instead.

Cowlover89 · 11/09/2023 12:45

What an arsehole. Forget about him. X

Hellosausag · 11/09/2023 12:45

What an absolute knob. The trash took itself out on this occasion.

orangegato · 11/09/2023 12:46

I’ve been in a position where I was excited to sleep with someone but they outright just didn’t do it for me at all and I’ve not continued to see them as they weren’t for me.

It’s odd for him to be grossed out and friend zone you, if the hair thing was an issue he could be a man and tell you. He seems to be making excuses and latching onto minor things and it’s weird.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/09/2023 12:46

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 12:40

Thank you everyone, your comments make me feel a bit better. There was a fair bit of blood and it was smeared on the covers but obviously it wasn’t on purpose. The hair thing, I like touching a man’s hair and face if I am attracted to him and having sex with him.

Yes the hair and face this is very normal!! If that's all he had to pick up on to have an excuse for not pursuing more dates (which was probably his intention all along) then it shows you didn't actually do anything wrong and you're great to date and great in bed x

SafferUpNorth · 11/09/2023 12:48

Agree with everyone saying that a mature man should be to cope with menstrual blood. But maybe he's just a total neat freak or squeamish when it comes to blood in general? Did you rinse out the bed sheets or offer to take them home to wash? I'd at least have done that and not left it entirely to him to deal with. Just a thought. And no, I'm not a man.

Jennalong · 11/09/2023 12:48

You gave him the ick because of your period , but that says alot more about him than you realise.
He's done you a favour. Block him.

Celia24 · 11/09/2023 12:48

He an just an idiot. Similar happened to me the second time I slept with a guy from Tinder. He was a bit taken aback but ultimately fine with it and we saw each other for a few months. This guy is pathetic. Onwards and upwards!

gamerchick · 11/09/2023 12:50

I don't think there are a lot of dudes who haven't encountered a bit of the crime scene on occasion.

It's obvious you were only ever going to be a shag and he thought he had a decent excuse to blow you off.

The hair thing is fair enough however, I don't like people touching my face and hair in general, never mind when getting jiggy. It's ok not to like something.

Jmaho · 11/09/2023 12:50

Oh god what an utter prick
Best advice to take is to block and move on, this is absolutely the right thing to do but I personally would have to respond to him and it wouldn't be pleasant but I'm immature like that!

Stressyfab · 11/09/2023 12:51

This just in: Grown man does not understand female biology

saying don’t worry won’t mean anything but I can express how much I don’t want you to. This man has given me the ick and I haven’t even met him!

TulipCat · 11/09/2023 12:53

Unfortunately with OLD you can encounter men who are single for a reason. I think we can all see why this twat is single - he's unable to articulate what he likes in the bedroom and expects new partners to magically know, and he's unable to cope with the unexpected onset of a normal bodily function. You are well rid.

MrWoodhousecanfeeladraught · 11/09/2023 12:53

So many great comments on here OP; I hope they have helped you to realise that you are not the problem here, he is, 100%. I’m just so glad you’ve found out in time to avoid wasting any more time on him. I think birthdayblue’s terminology is spot on when she describes him as a ‘knobrocket’; I have to say that did make me smile.

Whataretheodds · 11/09/2023 12:53

I'd be tempted to reply with a pass-agg 'not a baby: LOL' before blocking.

DO NOT feel embarrassed.
DO NOT remain in contact with this man. "As a friend" pfft!

OhComeOnFFS · 11/09/2023 12:53

He could have stopped having sex when your period started if he felt so averse to it.

I would have responded re his hair, "So sorry, I kept thinking it was a wig and had to keep touching it to check."

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