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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OLD guy has said we’re not sexually compatible

368 replies

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 12:17

I’m feeling very raw today, see username (created for this thread, I am a longtime MN poster)

I’ve done OLD on and off for a few years since divorce and had some fun times as well as a couple of longer term boyfriends from it.

I had a couple of dates with a guy from an app and met him for a third date for an evening drink on Saturday. We really clicked, there was loads of chemistry and we decided to have dinner too. I was happy to go back to his apartment to sleep with him, we were both a bit merry but happy to proceed. We had what I thought was quite a hot, exciting time in bed together but annoyingly I came on during sex and so inevitably there was some blood on the sheets afterwards, I didn’t realise what had happened until afterwards. Of course I apologised but he went into the bathroom to remove condom. We both fell asleep soon afterwards. All seemed ok in the morning, he made coffee and we chatted and cuddled up in bed but he had to get going for lunch with his family. I thought we left on a nice note, nice kiss and “see you soon”. He messaged shortly after I left saying that it had been great to see me, I had that lovely warm feeling for the rest of the afternoon.

This is the humiliating bit, I messaged him last night to say that I had really enjoyed being with him and when could we get together again for a date. He got back to me this morning with a total shit sandwich, “you’re a wonderful woman, so interesting and warm BUT (here goes) the blood was a turn off and I also didn’t like the way you touched my hair during sex, I am not a baby. I’m happy to see you again as a friend but not as a date.”

I was totally gutted. I have never had a response like that from a man I’ve had sex with, it actually made me feel sick. I wrote back and apologised and explained and even reassured him that I don’t have any STIs (ss to him some recent sexual health check results), he responded by saying - don’t worry about it, we’re just not compatible in bed.

WTF? How do I get past this? It’s blindsided me.

OP posts:
Aubree17 · 11/09/2023 22:31

Ever the biggest idiots I've dated wouldn't be this callous.

Block immediately. You sound lovely and worthy of much better than this idiot. He's out there!

NEXT!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/09/2023 22:52

Honestly this really is a case of it’s not you it’s him

this x 1000000

some folk are weird
he’ll be this weird with another

Tweedlelove · 11/09/2023 22:57

There is a good reason he is single. Lucky escape I think. He was probably after one thing and decided to think of a bad excuse!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/09/2023 22:59

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee

😂😂

JenniferBooth · 11/09/2023 23:00

@GilbertMarkham Madonna/whore complex

Livelifelaughter · 12/09/2023 08:54

I think it's reasonable to end something if the sex doesn't work but to be so vivid is just mean. Sorry OP.

CherryMaDeara · 12/09/2023 09:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MzHz · 12/09/2023 14:44

Feelinghumiliated · 11/09/2023 12:55

I am thinking reading some of these that maybe all he wanted all along was a quick one off shag. But I had told him that I don’t want one off casual sex.

And that’s exactly why he wanted it.

honestly, just turn the page. Don’t allow this crap human being to make you feel less about yourself

SleepWalkingIntoSpace · 12/09/2023 14:45

Try not to let this bother you OP. He’s not the one for you, better you know now than later. Men that can’t cope with period blood and can’t communicate about what they like/don’t, AT THE TIME, are never going to make good partners. They’ll tell you after and make you question yourself, thats fucked up. This could all be an excuse and he just wanted sex. From what you d said, he was selfish anyway do no great loss. Move on, you’ve done nothing wrong.

hair touching and pulling during sex is erotic, the dude is weird.

Just picking up on this, OP said hair touching, you’ve changed it to hair pulling, they’re very different. No, not everyone will find hair pulling (or even touching) ‘erotic’ @DGConsultant. No one is weird for not liking hair pulling, just because you want to push that narrative. Are you a bloke by any chance? Maybe not, but a friend of mine volunteers with young girls/women and the increase in them being made to feel shit if they don’t like things like hair pulling in sex is very concerning. Let’s not call people weird for not liking it, or anything else actually.

Livelifelaughter · 12/09/2023 15:06

I completely agree this guy is cruel and a bit of a shit for explaining in detail.
But there are things that turn us off aren't there ? I have had a boyfriend that I just didn't honestly fancy when he was naked and I didn't think the sex was good. There's plenty of posters on MN who talk about sexless relationships to men they love on every level except this and are often advised to leave. Yet when someone is binned because the guy doesn't like the sex it seems everyone is shocked. Part of dating someone is getting to know all about them including sexuality.

JenniferBooth · 12/09/2023 15:10

@Livelifelaughter The OP couldnt help starting her period What was she supposed to do Shove a cork up there

sallytarific · 12/09/2023 15:24

Livelifelaughter · 12/09/2023 15:06

I completely agree this guy is cruel and a bit of a shit for explaining in detail.
But there are things that turn us off aren't there ? I have had a boyfriend that I just didn't honestly fancy when he was naked and I didn't think the sex was good. There's plenty of posters on MN who talk about sexless relationships to men they love on every level except this and are often advised to leave. Yet when someone is binned because the guy doesn't like the sex it seems everyone is shocked. Part of dating someone is getting to know all about them including sexuality.

He didn't have to be nasty though?
And give her an appraisal?
And he didn't have to lie about not just wanting casual sex (he very clearly only wanted sex)?

Not wishing to continue exploring a connection/dating: Fine

Being a negging misogynist : No not fine

It's not fucking rocket science.
It's not unreasonable to hope and expect to be treated with decency in any arena, work/family/healthcare etc and yes even OLD

DGConsultant · 12/09/2023 15:45

@SleepWalkingIntoSpace sorry should have clarified. Not me pulling hair, I was referring to hair touching from a previous partner. She would pull my hair when I gave her oral, and I absolutely loved It!, hence me thinking the guy was wierd for not enjoying the OP touching his own hair.

Livelifelaughter · 12/09/2023 15:49

JenniferBooth · 12/09/2023 15:10

@Livelifelaughter The OP couldnt help starting her period What was she supposed to do Shove a cork up there

Completely agree with you. It's not about blaming OP. The guy is a shit to send such a horrible message.
But per se I don't think it's wrong to end something because for whatever reason the sex doesn't work.

Livelifelaughter · 12/09/2023 15:50

sallytarific · 12/09/2023 15:24

He didn't have to be nasty though?
And give her an appraisal?
And he didn't have to lie about not just wanting casual sex (he very clearly only wanted sex)?

Not wishing to continue exploring a connection/dating: Fine

Being a negging misogynist : No not fine

It's not fucking rocket science.
It's not unreasonable to hope and expect to be treated with decency in any arena, work/family/healthcare etc and yes even OLD

I am not sure that you read my message , I said he shouldn't have been mean about it and a shit.

JenniferBooth · 12/09/2023 15:59

Well the sex worked for him in that he had an orgasm The OP however................

SleepWalkingIntoSpace · 12/09/2023 17:40

sorry should have clarified. Not me pulling hair, I was referring to hair touching from a previous partner. She would pull my hair when I gave her oral, and I absolutely loved It!, hence me thinking the guy was wierd for not enjoying the OP touching his own hair.

You tried to normalise hair ‘pulling’ which the OP didn’t mention and make out people were weird if they didn’t like it. Just stop. I’m not interested in your sex life or most likely lack of, no need for details at all. I see you are a man, one that only seems to post on the sex board or posts elsewhere to do with sex. 🙄 No need to tag me again. Thanks.

MissHarrietBede · 12/09/2023 19:14

ust picking up on this, OP said hair touching, you’ve changed it to hair pulling, they’re very different. No, not everyone will find hair pulling (or even touching) ‘erotic’ @DGConsultant. No one is weird for not liking hair pulling, just because you want to push that narrative. Are you a bloke by any chance?

Yes he is, and is usually on any dating related thread.

DGConsultant · 12/09/2023 21:54

@MissHarrietBede , Cheers for that. I'll jog on then. Jesus Christ, I was just explaining. 😒

SleepWalkingIntoSpace · 12/09/2023 21:59

Yes he is, and is usually on any dating related thread.

Odd isn’t it. Men posting on mumsnet only on the sex board, or the relationship board when they can talk about sex and shoehorn their own sex lives in. They must seek these threads out and I find it quite creepy. 🚩

toomanyleggings · 12/09/2023 22:03

Honestly sex on the third date from old is highly unlikely to go anywhere. BUT you’ve dodged a massive bullet here. That’s an awful message that says more about him than you. Really does. Just block and delete and wait a bit longer next time

DGConsultant · 12/09/2023 22:04

I'm not trying to "push any narrative". I'm clearing off now, you are well out of order, to be honest.

Birthdayblu · 12/09/2023 22:07

@SleepWalkingIntoSpace agreed. I don’t understand why men like this poster need to contribute to a female-led space. I post on mumsnet to get the opinions of my own sex based on their past wisdom and experiences as they’re far more likely to chime with mine.

the last thing we need is a man revealing his sex and dating life details. Dadsnet is over there, pal.

LadyMcLadyface · 12/09/2023 22:14

OP once I was with a guy (casual partner) and period came on unexpectedly, didn't realise until after until he (gently) told me there had been blood and he just wanted to let me know (in case a medical issue or a tear something). It happens! The guy sounds like a total idiot and you've dodged a bullet there.

toomanyleggings · 12/09/2023 22:18

This guy was never going to see you after the sex happened. He knew that before the night. He not only wanted to use you for sex but he wants to degrade you as well. He probably hates women