When you hear the phrase ‘She won’t let me see the children’ what do you think?

[Gardenerboo]

This is my ex husband’s narrative to anyone who will listen and it’s simple not the case.

We have 2 teenagers who have (at present) chosen not to see him following abuse.

Although my priority is obviously the children, I have moments where I feel angry at the injustice of what he is telling people. I know it shouldn’t matter, but it’s hard.

What was her reasoning? Had he been abusive and treated her badly or was she just not bothered anymore?

I think, ‘then try harder’, but I’m influenced by my experience with my own birth father, who didn’t.

I think twat.
I just don’t buy it.
Once children are a certain age, they will see their parents if they want to. Or the NRP does not need the RP permission.
Strange how all these adult children don’t see the NRP.
I think either the NRP doesn’t really care that much, or something happened to make the RP angry and think it best if they stop instigating access.

That the mother is protecting her children with good reason.

Serious red flag. To be honest men who blame their exes for anything to do with the relationship with their own children. It’s always your responsibility as a father to own it and be a father. You can do this even if the ex isn’t great, as even in extreme cases you can still be a father, give money, support, put aside savings for their college or deposit, send presents, be in constant non conflicting contact.

Its incredibly rare and a mother would deny contact without good cause.

I'd think that being a single mum is so so so hard that there is a very very slim chance that a woman would refuse the offer of a free break /evening off /babysitting from someone who really loves and will properly care for the child unless she is insane. Which a very very few people are, but if she's that loopy then he should be in court for full custody to protect them. But he's not is he.

I think it is true that some parents don't want to give up nights as that impacts child maintenance payments but to not let them 'see' the children whcih is what the op has asked is different

In my, admittedly, limited experience I've found if a father genuinely isn't allowed to see his kids its usually with good reason.

The majority who trot it out though aren't really being prevented from contact, they just want sympathy or to paint the ex in a bad light.

My ex has had 3 girlfriends, possibly more, over the time period when he chose not to see DD, then had to go through 2 years of court, parenting courses and contact centres ( due to well documented DV and abuse). So there are plenty of women who don't see that as a red flag. The latest one couldn't wait to accompany him and the contact centre staff member for a day out 🤷‍♀️

Yep I said that earlier these posts don’t reflect my experience irl. Most deadbeat dads have no trouble meeting new women and even going on to have other children.

hi@whathappenedtosummer23 no she told me one day she didn't want to go and stay with her dad anymore ( up to that point we had shared care ). She told me the way he'd been treating her and things he'd tried to make her do which amounted to abuse in my book ( not sexual ).
Unfortunately I wasn't surprised to hear it as it was very similar to the way he'd treated me.
I made sure I knew exactly what she wanted, talked it all through with her and backed her up. Then I told her dad.
He completely maintains he's done nothing wrong , that I split our family up and it's my fault DD won't see him.
He's just got married again, didn't tell DD beforehand, just sent a photo of him and a woman both holding up their ring fingers. No words or explanation just a photo.
When I asked what he was doing he said ' I'm not stupid and I know our daughter better than you think I do. I sent the photo to get her to talk to me and ask what the photo is'.
But he's not stupid...

Having been through three years of this with DSS and his mum preventing access as and when she decides she can't be arsed to bring him half way I would be open minded and think the either the man is not making an effort or the mum is controlling and being a bitch because she can. And anyone that thinks family court has any teeth to make someone comply with a court order when they decide they don't want to has obviously never been through family court!

My son chose to cut contact with his Dad at the age of 15, his Dad had an affair with our next door neighbour. It was impossible to keep it from our son as she was also one of my very close friends.

I did at the start try to encourage him to speak to his Dad but he’s almost 18 now he’s got no interest in having a relationship.

Sadly our younger child now asks why my older son doesn’t see Dad. Eventually I will have to tell him.

I certainly wouldn’t date anyone who didn’t have a relationship with their children.

I would usually suspect there is more to the story, and would probably suspect that there's a couple of options:

• he's a lazy father who has made no effort, was inconsistent, has drifted in and out of the children's lives and he's annoyed that his ex is no longer jumping and groveling to him to sort out his parenting responsibilities

• there's potentially some DV, coercive control or history of abuse that means the children's mother is right to keep them safe

• the ex has got herself a new partner/husband and wants to play happy families about how new man is the children's real dad or she's decided (like we see on MN threads) to continue a pregnancy alone and has excluded the father because she doesn't want someone else having a say on 'her' baby.

First two are more likely but MN shows the latter also exists.

I was recently speaking to a family court judge who explained that she and her colleagues don't often punish women for breaching court orders because that would negatively impact the child.
That said I can't imagine many women having the courage to repeatedly break court orders. These cases must be very rare.

when I hear that phrase I figure the person falls into one of two categories. Either they are a risk to the children and access is rightfully blocked or they don’t really care about seeing their children because otherwise they would go to court for access. In either scenario, the person shows themselves to be a bad parent.

I'd think hmmm. For 90% it's an excuse but I did know someone who was an utter bitch to her ex because his career didn't take off as she expected and provide the lifestyle she thought she deserved. He spent many £'ooo going through the courts and he would turn up to collect his DC for a weekend as court ordered only to find she'd gone out with them. On one occasion they'd flown to Spain for a week without telling him. It was her I knew not him, so not his excuses.She was quite open about what she was doing. I was quite glad when I didn't have to work with her any more as she was as bad with her colleagues.

My ex complains he'd like 50:50 and I won't allow it. It's bollocks - he won't pick her up from school, or drop her to school because he is working (as am I). He could get flexitime or arrange and pay for childcare or some such but he doesn't. I won't let him have her every weekend as I want to spend quality time with her so he gets her every other weekend. I had to nag him to take her 2 weeks this summer and he didn't bother to organise anything so she asked to come home early. Basically he is a bit shit and makes little effort when she is there and if he ever pushed for more contact I'd welcome it. He pays no maintenance so it's no odds to me financially how much time she spends at his.

I normally assuming he is a guy who puts no effort in or the courts had good reason to prevent contact.

I suspect this man would not have been whining about his "crazy ex wife". If you spoke with him, he'd have told you what he was doing and how he was trying to spend time with his children. He'd have had specific things he was upset about etc.

it's the generic, "my crazy/bitch of an ex" that sets alarm bells ringing for me!

But @SpringleDingle don't you know that it's only HIS work-free hours that count for custody? Come on woman, get with the program!

So if he is willing to have her for 50% of the time he's not working, then of COURSE you are being a bitch to not agree to this AND that he is legitimately doing "50/50".

I'd think it was bollocks.

That there's a reason she doesn't want him near.

Of I knew the guy and knew he was a decent bloke I might think differently but a random bloke on a date? Red flag.

Well a few of her work colleagues complained she was a crazy bitch so I wouldn't have blamed him.

If this place is anything to go by every other person has a controlling mil, I doubt they just become that way when their children become adults

My violent ex told his new girlfriend all the spiel about not allowing him to see our daughter etc.. its incredible.