Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

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I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

I think the point im making is that a persons life doesnt have to be broken in bits, thats the decision of the injured party, not the person that committed adultery.

One is one too many for me.

It wouldn't be broken at all or even at risk if the cheater didn't cheat in the first place.

No, I don't victim blame. But I would question the morals of anybody who feels that deception can be part of a healthy relationship.

If you think those two are the same thing, then... well, that's up to you.

They're not.

The victim may have a very high sense of morality but may have a forgiving nature.

Creating a strawman to elicit a response you want to hear and then getting disappointed with the response when it's pointed out said strawman leaks straw is peak Internet.

Thanks for that laugh on a Monday afternoon.

Back in reality one could easily point another case out: if it truly is a one off then I'm sure cheating partner can be convincing about it. If not, ah well, the OH has to do some calculus. No kids involved, yet...

And back in reality OH pick up when somethings wrong. What you going to do, lie to them more? Its not me it's you?

I'm not here to justify my opinions. I don't need you to agree with me.

For me, forgiveness wouldn't be the issue. I may be able to forgive him eventually but I'd never be able to trust him.

Ah but forgiveness is not synonymous with staying in the relationship.

Someone can choose to forgive, but also choose to end the relationship.

No, the decision to ‘break their lives into bits’ is always the adulterer. They choose to blow up their relationship in the first place by cheating. They had many other options if they were unhappy, but chose the option most likely to end their marriage.

I have rarely seen couples recover the trust.

Given the lack of sexual fulfilment in your marriage and your attraction to the OM, it really wouldn’t have taken a crystal ball to have seen this coming.

I think it’s time you were honest with yourself, your sexual unfulfilling marriage brought you here and

Why on Earth would you want to talk about this with the OM? This want to reconnect with your partner in crime is very telling. If you continue you on this path of seeking sexual validation from this man, you will repeat this ‘mistake’.

I think your marriage was a sticking plaster, just as TTC would be. Your relationship has probably run its course but it appears you don’t want to admit it.

You should tell your husband, so he can make an informed decision about whether to continue the marriage especially if you are considering TTC.

Also you should get tested for STDs before sleeping with your husband again.

Once a cheat always a cheat. I would like to know if my partner couldn't control himself on a night out. Getting drunk isn't an excuse. I've been drunk many a time and never once slept with another man when I was in a relationship.

No, she has not done what many many people do, many dont fuck behind their partner's back.
The hipocrisy of this post and a few others is kinda hilarious. Woudl you say to a woman whose husband cheated "Come on luv, he only did what we all do, no biggie, roll over"?

So despite advising OP to tell her partner you are saying it will almost certainly end her marriage?

How do you know what the statistics are for people who commit adultery? Or are you just assuming? Considering its almost half of all marriages that now end in divorce wouldnt you think adultery is quite common?

In a survey conducted five years aho one in five people admitted committing adultery. Half of those said it was only once but 20% did it more than three times. So it is actually very common.

That doesn’t make it right in any way does it? It’s entirely destructive.

That wasnt the point in question. The suggestion was someone who could stay with a partner after they committed adultery did not have high morals.

OP's actions are what would ultimately end her marriage should it end. Her DH deserves to have a choice, OP shouldn't take that away from him.

My reply was to wouldyouguess who said this type of behaviour wasnt common. It appears to be very common. The rights or wrongs were not the point.

Well telling him would ultimately end the relationship. Not telling him wouldnt.

There'd be nothing to tell if the cheating didn't happen in the first place. Covering it up by lying doesn't make it go away, especially since they could still potentially find out months or years later and it would probably make it that much worse.

You mean lying by omission?

Could you be pregnant? That would make life much more complicated