Page 23 | Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

branchscreen · 2023-09-10T11:48:42+00:00

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day). I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week. I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock. Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back. Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 20:45

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:41

Cheating implies an unfair move. It’s appropriate if it’s ongoing deceit to give the appearance of a happy marriage

Having sex behind your husbands back isn’t an unfair move? I’m learning so much today

Susieb2023 · 10/09/2023 20:45

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:41

Cheating implies an unfair move. It’s appropriate if it’s ongoing deceit to give the appearance of a happy marriage

And keeping quiet isn’t ‘ongoing deceit’ honestly it’s cheating!

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:45

MrReflection · 10/09/2023 20:44

What, in your view then, is an appropriate term?

It's cheating.

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Adulterer maybe

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 20:46

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 20:42

MN really shows the…….inconsistency in peoples opinions. So many people advising to say nothing. Which, in part, I can understand. But, not withstanding what op has done here, if she posted in 2 or 3 or even 10 years time and said she had discovered her DH had done this? The LTB would be pretty unanimous and any suggestion from her that she might want to stay and work it out? That would be met with derision and the usual insults that so often appear on here…..”have some back bone”……”where is your self respect” ….”you are a door Matt”…..etc etc. So, for those of you saying say nothing. If op posted in x years time that her DH did this then lied about it, what would your advice to her be then??

It would not be unanimous because I would not say it.

I wouldn't tell her what to do. That's always a personal decision. But I would say that if it were me, if I had been happy all these years and was very sure it was over and had not been repeated and he regretted it completely, I would factor all that into my decision. I would not necessarily chuck it all away because I felt I must prioritise punishing the cheating above all else or else I was somehow a lesser person.

But that's one reason why, in particular circumstances, I wouldn't want to know.

Yettisrus29 · 10/09/2023 20:46

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:38

I don’t think cheater is an appropriate term. It ain’t an affair or cheating a way through a marriage it’s a one night stand and she hasn’t decided whether to tell him or not yet

Jesus christ. She cheated. She slept with another man that is cheating it doesn't matter if it's a one-off.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 20:48

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:45

Adulterer maybe

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Also known as cheating.

978q · 10/09/2023 20:49

drink and adultery, a common mix, and why would you tell him, to salve your conscience, bad idea.

978q · 10/09/2023 20:51

978q · 10/09/2023 20:49

drink and adultery, a common mix, and why would you tell him, to salve your conscience, bad idea.

Just add, give up drink.

Rubiconmango · 10/09/2023 20:51

I doubt there's a whole region full of them! Team #cheating is nothing if it was unintentional and you accidently drink, and accidently take off your clothes, after accidently hopping into a vehicle, and accidently finding yourself on someone else's weener. Maybe you accidently thought it was your husband? Sheesh!

#Team loyalty, honesty and trust still come out top in numbers. Just not on MN!

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 20:52

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 20:46

It would not be unanimous because I would not say it.

I wouldn't tell her what to do. That's always a personal decision. But I would say that if it were me, if I had been happy all these years and was very sure it was over and had not been repeated and he regretted it completely, I would factor all that into my decision. I would not necessarily chuck it all away because I felt I must prioritise punishing the cheating above all else or else I was somehow a lesser person.

But that's one reason why, in particular circumstances, I wouldn't want to know.

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It’s likely not the same though because you have already agreed with your husband not to disclose the cheating in those circumstances.

Singlemum19802023 · 10/09/2023 20:55

People fuck up. Try not to beat yourself up about it. It’s not going to change anything.

you know you’ve done wrong and your punishment for that is the guilt you’re feeling.

Dont tell DH if it was a one off. It will do more harm than good. Just learn from it and move on.

You’re not a bad person. You’re not the first person to make a mistake, and you won’t be the last.

Give yourself a break! It will be fine!

YellowTiger · 10/09/2023 20:56

Concerning how many people support the idea of keeping something so serious as cheating (even if it's "just" a one off) from the person they claim to love. Clearly, having a conscious is a rare commodity these days...

Perhapsperhapsto · 10/09/2023 20:57

‘Just add, give up drink.’

got all that OP? Confess all. Never drink again - and if anyone asks you why make sure you mention the ONS and how it ruined your life, cautionary tale and all that.
Maybe throw in some light self flagellation while you’re there?
or get thee to a nunnery??

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 20:58

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 20:52

It’s likely not the same though because you have already agreed with your husband not to disclose the cheating in those circumstances.

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Forget me for a minute. To be clear, we didn't have a conversation about "if I cheat I'll do this". We've had various conversations over the years in which we've discussed the abstract and we both feel that if you do it, regret it and won't do it again, it's your burden to carry. Don't tell so you can make them do the work and bear the pain that should be on you.

But forget me. I'm saying that if someone came to MN with that scenario, I wouldn't say "yes you must leave him because punishing cheating is all that matters". If the relationship is truly happy apart from that, if it's over, if it's not been repeated, then I can't say what I'd do but I'd definitely factor that all in. I don't place punishing cheating above all else. Other things are more important.

But I'd rather not even have to know if it was a one off years ago, regret, not repeated etc etc. There's nothing in it for me but misery.

saffronsoup · 10/09/2023 21:04

Perhapsperhapsto · 10/09/2023 20:32

‘There is potentially everything to be gained, but potentially everything to be lost. That is the binary consequence of breaking trust.’

oh ok. Still spilled milk, right? The DH has no idea what’s happened. So trust still there, if anything it’s more painful for OP to live with the guilt that she has than to be selfish and ease her conscience by blabbing.

There is no actual trust, just the facade of trust due to his ignorance. The trust is already broken by her cheating. It isn't telling someone that breaks the trust. It is cheating. He thinks he is in a monogamous marriage with someone who loves and respects him. He isn't. But only one of the two people in the marriage know that. It doesn't change the reality, just the awareness of his reality.

In a marriage where there is trust and love and respect you deal with things togehter. You don't add more lies and deceit and keep them in the dark so you can avoid consequences.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 21:08

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 20:58

Forget me for a minute. To be clear, we didn't have a conversation about "if I cheat I'll do this". We've had various conversations over the years in which we've discussed the abstract and we both feel that if you do it, regret it and won't do it again, it's your burden to carry. Don't tell so you can make them do the work and bear the pain that should be on you.

But forget me. I'm saying that if someone came to MN with that scenario, I wouldn't say "yes you must leave him because punishing cheating is all that matters". If the relationship is truly happy apart from that, if it's over, if it's not been repeated, then I can't say what I'd do but I'd definitely factor that all in. I don't place punishing cheating above all else. Other things are more important.

But I'd rather not even have to know if it was a one off years ago, regret, not repeated etc etc. There's nothing in it for me but misery.

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I wouldn't see it as placing punishing cheating above all else, I'd see it as simply no longer having trust and not believing much of what he says. I also wouldn't see it as me throwing anything away but him doing it not only when he cheated but when he also decided to keep it to himself and not give me any say on if I wanted to continue with the relationship.

If he could keep it to himself for 2 years, 5 years, 10 years etc including having children under false pretences, I'd be wondering what else he was lying about and is he truly sorry if I had to find out from something or someone else (assuming if he didn't tell me, he wouldn't years later so I'd find out another way).

The trust would be gone and it would all feel like living a lie.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 21:19

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 21:08

I wouldn't see it as placing punishing cheating above all else, I'd see it as simply no longer having trust and not believing much of what he says. I also wouldn't see it as me throwing anything away but him doing it not only when he cheated but when he also decided to keep it to himself and not give me any say on if I wanted to continue with the relationship.

If he could keep it to himself for 2 years, 5 years, 10 years etc including having children under false pretences, I'd be wondering what else he was lying about and is he truly sorry if I had to find out from something or someone else (assuming if he didn't tell me, he wouldn't years later so I'd find out another way).

The trust would be gone and it would all feel like living a lie.

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And that's your decision.

But the poster was essentially telling us that if someone came to us in that scenario, we would all definitely say it was insurmountable and terrible etc etc. We wouldn't. I wouldn't. I would not say for sure that a long-dead one-off encounter in my marriage that made me happy was impossible for me to get past. I'd rather I hadn't found out at all. I was happy and at the time of discovery, he was faithful and devoted. Don't raise the ghosts. Leave them to rest.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 21:33

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 21:19

And that's your decision.

But the poster was essentially telling us that if someone came to us in that scenario, we would all definitely say it was insurmountable and terrible etc etc. We wouldn't. I wouldn't. I would not say for sure that a long-dead one-off encounter in my marriage that made me happy was impossible for me to get past. I'd rather I hadn't found out at all. I was happy and at the time of discovery, he was faithful and devoted. Don't raise the ghosts. Leave them to rest.

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It would all be a lie though. You'd be happy because you didn't know and he wasn't faithful and devoted because he'd be lying to your face every day for potentially years including potentially knowingly adding children into that too.

I wouldn't want my marriage to be based on a lie.

JudyEdithPerry · 10/09/2023 21:33

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 21:42

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:38

I don’t think cheater is an appropriate term. It ain’t an affair or cheating a way through a marriage it’s a one night stand and she hasn’t decided whether to tell him or not yet

It doesn't matter what you think is appropriate. People generally refer to it as cheating if someone in a monogamous relationship has sex with someone else, regardless of how many times/how long for.

I think it's inappropriate to call ducks ducks, but who cares?

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 22:02

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 21:33

It would all be a lie though. You'd be happy because you didn't know and he wasn't faithful and devoted because he'd be lying to your face every day for potentially years including potentially knowingly adding children into that too.

I wouldn't want my marriage to be based on a lie.

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And I feel differently. To me, it would not be based on a lie when he loves me and is devoted in the now. He's not lying to me when he says he loves me and is faithful, because the event you're talking about was years ago and a one off.

I appreciate you don't feel that way but I do.

But like I keep saying...people don't want to hear this. You're trying to persuade me to feel differently even though I'm not trying to persuade you. Other posters have decided that I deserve to be cheated on, that due to cosmic justice I probably am, etc etc etc. Have these people forgotten that even in their revenge fantasies, I am not the cheater? What's their actual motivation?

And why do people get so angry about this? Again like I keep saying...vengeance. They don't want a cheater ever to get away with it, no matter what the situation or the cost. That's the priority and it's why people won't just accept that I don't want to know.

We don't know what the husband would want, it's true. But what if he's like me? You can bet that all these people will say to tell him anyway, because their way is the right way, and punishing the cheater is paramount, and if he's like me he deserves to be told he's wrong and be cheated on etc etc.

It's all spite. I'm not into it.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 22:14

It's not spite and vengeance. It's respect. The feelings of the cheater aren't at the heart of the insistence to confess, for me, and, I suspect, for many others with the same view. The feelings of the cheated on spouse are, and yes, it will make him feel bad, but not as bad as he would feel if he found out later and realise that his marriage was based on a lie.

You might think you know everybody's motives, but clearly you don't.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 22:15

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 22:02

And I feel differently. To me, it would not be based on a lie when he loves me and is devoted in the now. He's not lying to me when he says he loves me and is faithful, because the event you're talking about was years ago and a one off.

I appreciate you don't feel that way but I do.

But like I keep saying...people don't want to hear this. You're trying to persuade me to feel differently even though I'm not trying to persuade you. Other posters have decided that I deserve to be cheated on, that due to cosmic justice I probably am, etc etc etc. Have these people forgotten that even in their revenge fantasies, I am not the cheater? What's their actual motivation?

And why do people get so angry about this? Again like I keep saying...vengeance. They don't want a cheater ever to get away with it, no matter what the situation or the cost. That's the priority and it's why people won't just accept that I don't want to know.

We don't know what the husband would want, it's true. But what if he's like me? You can bet that all these people will say to tell him anyway, because their way is the right way, and punishing the cheater is paramount, and if he's like me he deserves to be told he's wrong and be cheated on etc etc.

It's all spite. I'm not into it.

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If you don’t want to know, that’s fine. I accept it but I’m interested to have a discussion about it and attempt to understand your perspective. Of course, only if you want to engage which you have so far.

It doesn’t make me angry that you personally wouldn’t want to know but I’d absolutely be angry if I found out that not only had my husband cheated on me but he’d also taken it upon himself to decide on my behalf that I’m better off not knowing when I absolutely would deserve to decide for myself.

Ultimately we don’t know what her husband would prefer so I’d tell him for that reason because what if he would prefer to know? I just don’t believe in making that choice for someone, especially because it is absolutely about not wanting the marriage to end as a potential consequence and I just don’t feel that’s a choice the cheater should get to make that decision for the other person.

Dolly567 · 10/09/2023 22:17

Can you live with your husband and what you've done for the rest of your life together?
Without him knowing
That's the main question here ..

pocketpairs · 10/09/2023 22:17

Agree with some of the other posters, this'll definitely happen again once this settles down. She's admitted flirting with him, has strong sexual chemistry with him, and second times always easier.

Additionally, OP seems to have a relatively high opinion of OM, and given that she considered reaching out to OM is a massive red flag. Which rational person even considers this?!

I'd definitely tell DH, but doubt she will..sooner or later an affair will ensue and this'll become the classic cliche..