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Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
Rubiconmango · 10/09/2023 22:17

WOW! This is so messed up and unfathomable! Would hate to know what you thought of a 'one off slap'!

Do you even have any dealbreakers in your marriage (I think cheating and domestic abuse really rank high globally!), or do you really prefer to stay in a fantasy relationship no matter what, as long as you dont know, you don't care, but you do know? Or even doubt maybe?

The craziest thing I've read on MN in a while!

MrDirtyBear · 10/09/2023 22:19

Only read two angry comments in the entire thread. But your scenario presupposes OP can contain it (doubtful on what evidence we can see) and the husband won't spend the next two years asking what's wrong? What have I done? Or that someone takes pity on the guy and breaks the truth to him to stop him beating himself up about the relationship getting strained.

It's a hand grenade thrown into the relationship one way or another and there's no need to talk about spite or vengeance. Unless OP is a great actor or lacks empathy (again: not the evidence we see so far this is going to crack open. The damage has already been done.

Ramalangadingdong · 10/09/2023 22:20

I read an article a long time ago where elderlycouples who had been married for decades talked about why they had experienced such marital longevity.

they all said that the first year of marriage was the hardest as you navigate living together and the various compromises entailed. A few of them had had affairs and they talked about how important it had been for them to stick with the marriage because looking back across time the affairs paled into insignificance in the story of their marriages.

As I said before I don’t have a clue what you should do but I wonder why your husband has a low sex drive and can’t help thinking that if you tell him you slept with someone for whom you feel a powerful sexual attraction it might be quite damaging. You have to be careful how you reveal this if that’s what you choose to do.

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 22:20

I wonder what else it's ok to lie about, if it's ok to lie about cheating... I suppose anything goes. Lying to people who trust you is ok, as long as they don't find out!

Gosh, this is a whole new wisdom for me. Should we be teaching this to our kids? Or are we sticking to 'own up and take responsibility', and then just switching our morals when we fuck around?

Watchkeys · 10/09/2023 22:24

It's a hand grenade thrown into the relationship one way or another

This is worth noting, too. The guilt op feels is likely to change the relationship anyway, so going back to 'how it was' isnt really a viable option. It's about picking the best version of 'spoiled', rather than choosing between spoiled or not.

Glowie · 10/09/2023 22:51

The 'one off slap' is a damn good point, though according to some, as long as the OH isn't aware of said slap, then it's all just dandy!

OP - If you have any respect for your husband then you must bite the bullet and come clean. Informed consent is vital [to most people], and he deserves this as much as you do.

Infidelity is not necessarily a death sentence to a relationship, but it absolutely will be if you add ongoing deceit into the mix.

A moral person would not be able to keep this locked up forever, and one way or another it will come out. Getting it off your chest now is better for your soul, and it's the only way you will meaningfully go beyond this.

PurpleWisteria1 · 10/09/2023 23:02

nomadmummy · 10/09/2023 19:59

How do you know someone is a serial cheater? A cheater is a cheater. Lots of men stay in marriages because of staus quo. Statistically American men who are married make more and are less likely to be employed. And plenty of American women stay married to cheaters and serial cheaters because of economics and getting kids into top schools. But a cheater is a cheater is a cheater.

What does that even mean?
A cheater is a cheater is a cheater?
A cheater is someone who has cheated- pretty obvious.
So what does it even mean?

JFDIYOLO · 11/09/2023 00:29

Is this man The One?

Are you his The One?

Find out.

If it's yes, don't condemn your partners to a lifetime of being second best.

Tell them.

And both be aware that you're throwing your chances of happiness into the hands of a cheat.

–

But if not, you have to decide if you're going to tell yours - or not.

(What the OM does is his business, not yours.)

If you tell him, be careful - we don't know your DH's personality, how he'll react if told - there could be a reason you looked elsewhere.

Respect his decision, including if it involves leaving.

Don't have a child in an attempt to mend things and keep him - children are not superglue .

If you don't tell him, it will remain with you for the rest of your life, a secret and guilt you'll have to bear, and will always wonder if perhaps one day it will come out.

Whether you tell him or not, if you stay together, don't do it again.

Have an STI and pregnancy test and use contraception for several months.

Tough, isn't it?
—

Plumful · 11/09/2023 07:03

OP has your sex life with your husband always been like this? It’s not sustainable and you’ll end up doing it again.

Perhapsperhapsto · 11/09/2023 11:09

Your poor sex life may be at the heart of all this…

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:01

One question to all. Assuming you have a happy marriage, love your partner and have no cause for doubting them, would you A. Prefer your OH to tell you if he once got totally pissed and slept with someone else, something he will hate himself for indefinitely, never do again but cant bear the guilt or B. He is thoroughly ashamed of himself, will never do it again, and doesnt tell you? Which is best for you? Are you someone who wants to know, will never forgive them, end the marriage and hate him forever or would you prefer to be blissfully unaware?

Lastchancechica · 11/09/2023 16:05

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:01

One question to all. Assuming you have a happy marriage, love your partner and have no cause for doubting them, would you A. Prefer your OH to tell you if he once got totally pissed and slept with someone else, something he will hate himself for indefinitely, never do again but cant bear the guilt or B. He is thoroughly ashamed of himself, will never do it again, and doesnt tell you? Which is best for you? Are you someone who wants to know, will never forgive them, end the marriage and hate him forever or would you prefer to be blissfully unaware?

Tricky one. I might prefer b if it’s truly a one off and the person would not dream of doing it again.

A if it’s more than once and/or feelings involved.

Thurlarder · 11/09/2023 16:07

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:01

One question to all. Assuming you have a happy marriage, love your partner and have no cause for doubting them, would you A. Prefer your OH to tell you if he once got totally pissed and slept with someone else, something he will hate himself for indefinitely, never do again but cant bear the guilt or B. He is thoroughly ashamed of himself, will never do it again, and doesnt tell you? Which is best for you? Are you someone who wants to know, will never forgive them, end the marriage and hate him forever or would you prefer to be blissfully unaware?

I'd much prefer not to know.

SouthLondonMum22 · 11/09/2023 16:07

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:01

One question to all. Assuming you have a happy marriage, love your partner and have no cause for doubting them, would you A. Prefer your OH to tell you if he once got totally pissed and slept with someone else, something he will hate himself for indefinitely, never do again but cant bear the guilt or B. He is thoroughly ashamed of himself, will never do it again, and doesnt tell you? Which is best for you? Are you someone who wants to know, will never forgive them, end the marriage and hate him forever or would you prefer to be blissfully unaware?

Except the cheating and then lying about it are causes to doubt them.

I get to decide what is best for me, not a cheating spouse who ultimately just doesn't want to be found out to save their own skin.

I would want to know and I'd be even more furious if I didn't find out until years down the line and had that choice taken away from me, especially if DC were now involved.

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:12

You wouldnt know….thats the point im making. I find it interesting that there is such massive anger and the desire for punishment if someone had done this once. You would prefer your life to be broken in bits for this? Divorce comes with no faults now so the ‘injured’ party doesnt get any extra benefits. Just the loss of their home and partner. I guess if someone thinks its worth divorce its their choice.

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:13

Yep, me too.

Lastchancechica · 11/09/2023 16:14

Once the trust has gone the relationship is wrecked. Living with guilt can cause many harms, and many people seem to pick up on a bad feeling or something being off and it erodes the relationship in a different way. On balance, honesty is best.

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:15

I made the point it was a one off….so not an ongoing event.

SouthLondonMum22 · 11/09/2023 16:18

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:12

You wouldnt know….thats the point im making. I find it interesting that there is such massive anger and the desire for punishment if someone had done this once. You would prefer your life to be broken in bits for this? Divorce comes with no faults now so the ‘injured’ party doesnt get any extra benefits. Just the loss of their home and partner. I guess if someone thinks its worth divorce its their choice.

Of course I wouldn't prefer my life to be broken to bits but that's what happens when someone makes the selfish decision to cheat.

I wouldn't want to be living a lie, I'd want to know about it because I wouldn't want to stay married to a cheater.

I'd never believe they wouldn't do it again no matter how many times they said it, the trust would be gone.

saffronsoup · 11/09/2023 16:23

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:01

One question to all. Assuming you have a happy marriage, love your partner and have no cause for doubting them, would you A. Prefer your OH to tell you if he once got totally pissed and slept with someone else, something he will hate himself for indefinitely, never do again but cant bear the guilt or B. He is thoroughly ashamed of himself, will never do it again, and doesnt tell you? Which is best for you? Are you someone who wants to know, will never forgive them, end the marriage and hate him forever or would you prefer to be blissfully unaware?

I would want to be told. There is no basis for "never do it again". Likely if you asked OP a few weeks ago if she would cheat, she would say no, never. There is no weight behind I will never do it again. If you could rationalize doing it once, you can rationalize doing it again. And if you don't have love or respect for your spouse - hence why you were fine with getting naked and having sex with other people even when you knew how much that would hurt them.

And for me once is enough. I want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone who loves me and respects me. And someone who cheats on me and lies and deceives does not love me or respect me. I want the autonomy to make the choice about what romantic and sexual relationship I am in. I want an authentic one - not a fake one where I only think it is good because I am being kept in the dark about the reality.

Annaishere · 11/09/2023 16:24

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:01

One question to all. Assuming you have a happy marriage, love your partner and have no cause for doubting them, would you A. Prefer your OH to tell you if he once got totally pissed and slept with someone else, something he will hate himself for indefinitely, never do again but cant bear the guilt or B. He is thoroughly ashamed of himself, will never do it again, and doesnt tell you? Which is best for you? Are you someone who wants to know, will never forgive them, end the marriage and hate him forever or would you prefer to be blissfully unaware?

I would want to know but I could get past it if I loved them enough

Watchkeys · 11/09/2023 16:26

@Solonge

You would prefer your life to be broken in bits for this

I would. Many would. Obviously it's preferable for the partner not to cheat, but once that's done, what you're asking is 'Would you prefer your partner to lie to you about something important, every single day, for the rest of your lives together, or not?'

I doubt the morals and self respect of anybody who would choose to stay with a lying partner, and hiding the lie doesn't make it right. It's deception. It's never going to be a healthy relationship, if there's deception.

saffronsoup · 11/09/2023 16:29

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:12

You wouldnt know….thats the point im making. I find it interesting that there is such massive anger and the desire for punishment if someone had done this once. You would prefer your life to be broken in bits for this? Divorce comes with no faults now so the ‘injured’ party doesnt get any extra benefits. Just the loss of their home and partner. I guess if someone thinks its worth divorce its their choice.

Do you never want to know things that could hurt you?

If your spouse has cancer, should they keep it from you and lie, lie, lie to avoid hurting you. Better for you to live in ignorant bliss.

What if they spent all the money and are in deep debt. Do you want to just be able to keep spending, spending spending and not ever know that there is no actual money there because that information would be hurtful?

Do you really want a spouse who lies and deceives and does things behind your back for their own selfish need? Do you not want to know that the person you are sleeping with is having unprotected sex with who knows how many other people?

What if they were going to prosititutes. As long as you don't know, you don't care?

The idea of what you don't know can't hurt you...is often proved untrue. Wanting a spouse who lies a lot and keeps major information from you and doesn't respect you and is happy to deceive you is a weird thing to have on a checklist for a partner.

If you had a daughter and you knew her husband was out and about sleeping with others, would you support him and say as long as she doesn't know, do what you want It can't hurt her if she doesn't know.

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:31

You doubt the morals of someone who would stay with a partner who cheated, really? So you victim blame?

Solonge · 11/09/2023 16:33

But I didnt ask those questions, I asked one question based on one event, one indiscretion.

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