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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Done something terrible and need support but don’t deserve it

655 replies

branchscreen · 10/09/2023 12:48

I am 32 my husband is 34, married 1 year together 6 before that, no kids but wanted to start trying soon. Earlier this week (Wednesday) I got extremely drunk and slept with one of my colleagues (not a colleague I work with closely day to day).

I lied about where I was, he suspected nothing. He then on Friday went on a boys holiday for a week.

I cannot tell you how much I regret what I have done. I constantly feel physically sick. I’ve barely ate and slept since it has happened and am crying constantly. I literally feel like the worst person in the world. I cannot believe I have done this. I would give literally anything to turn back the clock.

Originally I had planned to not tell him due to the hurt it would bring him given it was a one off, not an affair. But I don’t know how to bear this anymore without talking to anyone without it. It literally feels unbearable. I honestly hate myself. I can’t tell family and friends and place this burden on them unless I do eventually tell him. It has crossed my mind to reach out to the OM just so I have someone to talk to about it as he’s the only person who knows but my gut is telling me that’s a very stupid idea. I have today then four more full days to figure something out before DH is back.

Any advice, thoughts, similar experiences welcome. I know full well how awful what I have done is which is why I’ve not provided more context as I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to excuse it.

OP posts:
Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 20:29

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 20:14

That's a yes, then.

I don't think anyone thinks it's ok to cheat. There's just a difference of opinion on whether it's always worth dropping the bomb if you do, no matter what the circumstances.

Like I said earlier, it's about vengeance, and that's why you've completely made up the idea that anyone who thinks that in this particular case OP should keep quiet is probably being cheated on themselves and deserves it. Because it's not actually about choice or happiness or honesty, it's about punishing a cheater at all costs...and if you prioritise something else, even for yourself, you are a Bad Person who deserves the worst.

It'll be the same for anyone who tries to work through an affair with a cheater, hence so many posts along the lines of "if he's smart/brave/virtuous, he won't forgive you because good people prioritise punishing cheaters".

It's really solidifying my belief for me, tbh. It's completely spiteful.

Show quote history

I think it’s crazy to think that your needs are more important than the person you fucked over.

Incidentally I do think that if you cheat and you get cheated on you absolutely deserve it so you got me there!

if you behave that way in a relationship how is it unrealistic to think that you’re probably partnered with a person with the same (shitty) morals and attitudes?

Luckily I don’t have that concern in my relationship since we have mutual trust (I.e. I don’t need to preemptively create rules for when we inevitably fuck around) so maybe I’m just not seeing it from the cheaters point of view. Thanks for enlightening me!

Sushiandunagi · 10/09/2023 20:29

I think it’s the norm to not come clean if you do something daft…

Whats the point in being in a relationship or married then? Cheating is practically admitting that you’re with that person only until something better comes along. Wonder how that would feel if the tables were turned?

Susieb2023 · 10/09/2023 20:29

I know of it were my brother or son, I’d want his wife to be honest so he could make an informed decision about HIS life and decide whether he wanted to stay or not particularly with the possibility of children.

We all have a right to our personal agency.

YellowTiger · 10/09/2023 20:30

Perhapsperhapsto · 10/09/2023 20:23

‘No doubt if this was a male poster who'd cheated on his wife, you and others would be saying much different thing.’

Nope, said it before and say it again - it wouldn’t matter it was a man or woman, there’s nothing to be gained in telling the DP in these circumstances

Of course there is something to be gained: her losing the worry that her partner will end up finding out eventually from other sources, and having the guilt on you conscious that your marriage is actually a sham.

By telling him, she's owning it and putting the outcome in her control. By not telling him, she risks someone else (perhaps maliciously) telling him, whether that's tomorrow or in a few years' time.

I personally couldn't live with the worry that a lie I'm covering up risks being exposed at any time.

Perhapsperhapsto · 10/09/2023 20:32

‘There is potentially everything to be gained, but potentially everything to be lost. That is the binary consequence of breaking trust.’

oh ok. Still spilled milk, right? The DH has no idea what’s happened. So trust still there, if anything it’s more painful for OP to live with the guilt that she has than to be selfish and ease her conscience by blabbing.

Yettisrus29 · 10/09/2023 20:32

If this was a man who had a ONS the responses would be completely different.

You need to tell him, let him make his own mind up. Then you need to take anything he throws at you. You cheated and not just kissed another man you slept with him. Does he not deserve to make his own mind up? Whilst you carry on pretending, knowing what you did. It wasn't a stupid mistake, a stupid mistake is putting the wrong bin out or putting salt in your coffee.

I was cheated on by an ex, I found out via someone else which was even more humiliating.

Clafoutie · 10/09/2023 20:34

Perhapsperhapsto · 10/09/2023 20:23

‘No doubt if this was a male poster who'd cheated on his wife, you and others would be saying much different thing.’

Nope, said it before and say it again - it wouldn’t matter it was a man or woman, there’s nothing to be gained in telling the DP in these circumstances

But how do you know this? Shouldn’t that be for the DP to decide?

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 20:35

Perhapsperhapsto · 10/09/2023 20:23

‘No doubt if this was a male poster who'd cheated on his wife, you and others would be saying much different thing.’

Nope, said it before and say it again - it wouldn’t matter it was a man or woman, there’s nothing to be gained in telling the DP in these circumstances

That should be for the person cheated on to decide, not the cheater.

Perhapsperhapsto · 10/09/2023 20:35

‘We all have a right to our personal agency.’

yup. So she has the right to decide what to do.
Op, do you have a RL mate to talk to? Mind you, anyone extra you tell you do run the risk of it coming out somehow.

Perhapsperhapsto · 10/09/2023 20:36

‘That should be for the person cheated on to decide, not the cheater.’

Except the cheated on hasn’t a notion. And happier for it.

occhiazzurri · 10/09/2023 20:38

I think non contact and emergency therapy are the only viable short term options. You need some time to digest what has happened and to distance yourself from it. Also be gentler to yourself and examine why such an impulsive situation happened.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 20:38

Perhapsperhapsto · 10/09/2023 20:32

‘There is potentially everything to be gained, but potentially everything to be lost. That is the binary consequence of breaking trust.’

oh ok. Still spilled milk, right? The DH has no idea what’s happened. So trust still there, if anything it’s more painful for OP to live with the guilt that she has than to be selfish and ease her conscience by blabbing.

But we all know it really isn't about that.

It's about the fact that it is likely that telling someone you've cheated on them would end the relationship and the cheater doesn't want that to happen so keeps it to themselves.

It's simply another selfish decision based on thinking about themselves, not the person they claim to love.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:38

I don’t think cheater is an appropriate term. It ain’t an affair or cheating a way through a marriage it’s a one night stand and she hasn’t decided whether to tell him or not yet

sodthesodoff · 10/09/2023 20:38

Jesus wept

Tell him. No one deserves to live in a lie. The man is about to start a family with you. what about what he wants?

And bullshit to the rest of it. So this colleague you know fancies you and has made it clear over the years. Oops you just get drunk and shag him

Right. I've had colleagues who've been flirty (and dirty cheaters too as they had partners) and I've made it abundantly clear nothing will happen and avoided being alone with them. But you didn't do that.

All this hand wringing. Bottom line is you cheated on your husband of only a year who deserves better.

sodthesodoff · 10/09/2023 20:40

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:38

I don’t think cheater is an appropriate term. It ain’t an affair or cheating a way through a marriage it’s a one night stand and she hasn’t decided whether to tell him or not yet

She had sex with someone who isn't her husband. I think Cheater is an appropriate term.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/09/2023 20:40

You didn't go out one night with no background or build up, no flirtation, no inappropriate behaviour, no emotional affair and fucked him; there was very very likely a build up and a hundred little stop signs you sailed on through

Yes, and OP confirmed as much in repeating his remark that this was "always bound to happen" - also in that her first instinct was to "reach out to him to talk about it", as if he'd be interested beyond the opportunity for a quick shag

Doubtless it sounds better to minimise this as a spur of the moment, one off thing, but even by OP's own account it's pretty clear there's a lot more to this

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 20:40

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:38

I don’t think cheater is an appropriate term. It ain’t an affair or cheating a way through a marriage it’s a one night stand and she hasn’t decided whether to tell him or not yet

It is definitely cheating. Not all instances of cheating are the same and many people might find a drunken ONS easier to forgive than an emotionally involved affair (and many would feel the opposite), but it is cheating.

SouthLondonMum22 · 10/09/2023 20:41

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:38

I don’t think cheater is an appropriate term. It ain’t an affair or cheating a way through a marriage it’s a one night stand and she hasn’t decided whether to tell him or not yet

Of course it's appropriate. It isn't an affair but it doesn't magically make it not cheating because it happened once or because she was drunk.

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:41

Cheating implies an unfair move. It’s appropriate if it’s ongoing deceit to give the appearance of a happy marriage

sodthesodoff · 10/09/2023 20:42

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:41

Cheating implies an unfair move. It’s appropriate if it’s ongoing deceit to give the appearance of a happy marriage

Wow. Wouldn't like to be married to you...

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 20:42

MN really shows the…….inconsistency in peoples opinions. So many people advising to say nothing. Which, in part, I can understand. But, not withstanding what op has done here, if she posted in 2 or 3 or even 10 years time and said she had discovered her DH had done this? The LTB would be pretty unanimous and any suggestion from her that she might want to stay and work it out? That would be met with derision and the usual insults that so often appear on here…..”have some back bone”……”where is your self respect” ….”you are a door Matt”…..etc etc. So, for those of you saying say nothing. If op posted in x years time that her DH did this then lied about it, what would your advice to her be then??

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 20:43

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:41

Cheating implies an unfair move. It’s appropriate if it’s ongoing deceit to give the appearance of a happy marriage

What?

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 20:44

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:38

I don’t think cheater is an appropriate term. It ain’t an affair or cheating a way through a marriage it’s a one night stand and she hasn’t decided whether to tell him or not yet

Incredible

MrReflection · 10/09/2023 20:44

Annaishere · 10/09/2023 20:38

I don’t think cheater is an appropriate term. It ain’t an affair or cheating a way through a marriage it’s a one night stand and she hasn’t decided whether to tell him or not yet

What, in your view then, is an appropriate term?

It's cheating.

Barbiesback · 10/09/2023 20:44

@Buildingthefuture MN isn't real life. Its the posters shouting at others to leave that are usually the type to stay themselves. They ain't leaving! I've noticed this with people I know IRL too...