OP I divorced my ex husband after seeing an Instagram message from a woman (I was using his phone at the time openly in front of him! And didn't even know he had an account because he 'wasn't a social media person'), which I opened, and was absolutely flabergasted when I saw a whole pool of RANDOM ow he'd been exchanging messages with, mainly trashy naked women with absolutely no class or self esteem! It took me 6 months before I actually filed for divorce. My mind was made up. The 6 months was for me to process! In my now touch wood - amazing marriage, my husband came home with alcohol breath. We don't drink for religious reasons. I told him to pack his bags and leave for the night and go be with 'his boys' since their influence was more valuable than the standards of our marriage. Not only did he plead to not leave, he called in sick the next day to resolve his error! IDGAF what the opinion of others is here on my personal account (I expect to be called controlling and abusive by women with low standards for themselves).
My point is, when you have personal standards WHICH YOUR SPOUSE SHARES IN, you know what you're willing to accept or not accept when that bar is lowered by your spouse! A lot of holier than thou comments on here from women who probably accept very less for themselves. And sorry that you've been called abusive and controlling! Women who accept less for themselves tend to drag other women down to feel better about their own compromises in life.
Do what makes you feel self respect. My family and friends were shocked I'd divorced my ex since 'he hadn't had an affair'. I told them he did - my definition of affair wasn't he had to stick his less than decent weeny in someone lol, and that I had to wake up and know I stood my ground with my delabreakers, and could look at myself in the mirror proud everyday.
I'm now happily married (and he'd never be a fool again with drinking ;-))
Point is, I'm sorry for what you'll be going through, but you sound like a woman who has self respect and firm standards for yourself, and wanted to drop by to say, we're not many, but you're not alone in standing up for what you value in a relationship, and you'll be happier for it when you don't compromise those standards. I can only imagine the heartache and questions burning through your mind, all while having to continue adulting and parenting, alongside a generous amount of exhaustion!
Sending love and hugs and hope you're OK. This too shall pass xxx