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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband hasn’t come home!

698 replies

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 05:20

My husband went to play darts last night as he does every Wednesday. I’ve woken up at 4.30am and he isn’t home!!!
I’ve tried calling him and WhatsApping him- no answer and no reply. He hasn’t read my messages.
his darts team are his old work mates who I have no contact information for.
im worried sick. What do I do!? Do I call the police? Do I call hospitals !? Help, I feel sick

OP posts:
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5
Masterofhappydays · 07/09/2023 15:50

Onwards and upwards OP.
Can’t believe so many men who are fathers of young children think it’s acceptable to act like this, just completely go off radar. But then after reading so many women’s comments on this thread stating OP was overreacting, it’s not surprising these men get away with this behaviour.

myyve · 07/09/2023 15:51

@Samlewis96 your response hurt my brain to read Confused

LadybirdStone · 07/09/2023 15:52

Daisyislazy · 07/09/2023 15:46

It's almost unreal

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aren’t you nice.

sezzer87 · 07/09/2023 15:52

@Samlewis96

Maybe. But I'm not a fan of keeping men hostage. If he loves her he'll beg for forgiveness and learn from this. If not she'll live happily ever after without having to worry that her husband might be dead somewhere.
Either way he needs to learn what he faces losing if he does it again.

Masterofhappydays · 07/09/2023 15:52

Samlewis96 · 07/09/2023 15:48

Oh well if he does actually leave assemblies wa to he can spend as much of his time with mates and crash out wherever he wants. Without having his wife call round alland sundry looking for him, Whereas it will be her stuck indoors alone with a couple of kids. Bit of an own goal really

Show quote history

She will likely be far happier than him and will no longer have to be worrying about where her inconsiderate husband is. Win win. She’ll thrive I guess.

RunDeeEmCee · 07/09/2023 15:54

Oh come on, in this day and age he had no way of contacting you to let you know he wouldn’t be home? He didn’t think after his first or second drink to let you know? He couldn’t borrow a friends phone to message you on social media? Or a charger off one of the many people he would have encountered?
I’d be absolutely furious (in fact, I’ve been in this situation in the past and have been absolutely furious- thankfully no kids involved) Is he usually this disrespectful of you?

Saturdaygirl01 · 07/09/2023 15:55

Why has he been driving to darts if he was actually drinking? Was he with the same people you thought he was with?

RunDeeEmCee · 07/09/2023 15:58

@Samlewis96
This reply was painful to attempt to read. But wow, what an utter twat you are. I’m sure OP will be far better off and happier not having to spend the early hours wondering if her husband is lying in a car wreck somewhere and can concentrate her happiness on herself and her kids…. Sure she can also leave the house with said kids whenever she likes.

SomeCatFromJapan · 07/09/2023 16:00

Oh well if he does actually leave assemblies wa to he can spend as much of his time with mates and crash out wherever he wants. Without having his wife call round alland sundry looking for him, Whereas it will be her stuck indoors alone with a couple of kids. Bit of an own goal really

Not really as he'll be "stuck" with the kids on his access days as well.

Furryrug · 07/09/2023 16:00

I don't see much difference in going to the pub and playing darts with mates and just going to the pub .

3luckystars · 07/09/2023 16:01

Are you sure there isn’t another woman involved? Keep digging!!

OhComeOnFFS · 07/09/2023 16:03

I wouldn't believe a word of that, OP. Would you have minded if he'd gone to the pub instead of playing darts? What's the difference, really? And if he wasn't drinking, why would he want to go to the pub? It doesn't make sense.

I think you'll find there's much more to this than he's letting on, I'm afraid.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 07/09/2023 16:04

Presumably he was "playing darts" in the pub anyways so it's not really any difference and a very weird lie.

The stupid lie is the dealbreaker here. I wouldn't be with someone who can lie for so long and about something so stupid.

Has he been drink driving then each week? In your car?

Ladybug14 · 07/09/2023 16:04

Worried00 · 07/09/2023 15:41

Hi all
Wow I have read all of your messages.
Thanks for your advice and opinions.

I gave you the last update quickly as I made my way into work for the distraction!

As some of you have said..... there IS more to the story.

Turns out for the last 4 months when I've thought he has been at darts every week, he hasn't been. there has never been a darts team.
He has been out with his friends in the pub. Lying to me about it every week.
WHY?! I have no idea. Am i that horrible that he cannot tell me he is going to0 the pub once a week!? WOW. I am in shock

He does drink, I meant it as in he wasn't drinking last night and drove instead.
And he went back to his mates house and he crashed on the sofa.

That's it. marriage done. I cannot accept this.

Good lord. I'm so sorry that you're going through this shit

Sending you love ❤️

SpicyMoth · 07/09/2023 16:06

Furryrug · 07/09/2023 16:00

I don't see much difference in going to the pub and playing darts with mates and just going to the pub .

I think the difference is in "Why bother lying about something so mundane & similar" - Like, he obviously gets something out of lying in that scenario otherwise he wouldn't lie there'd be no point.
I was a bit unsure at first, like oh it's just the pub, but then I talked to my other half about it and he reckons it's woman related. Probably a woman's sofa.

Presumably all his mates who had no idea where he was are all his age, wife, kids, work commitments etc, seems unlikely there'd be room on their sofa's considering they'd all have work and kids drop off the next day.

But then ofc, I imagine there's a boat load of other context that we're all missing

DrSbaitso · 07/09/2023 16:06

I wasn't going to jump to the conclusion that he's cheating, but unless he has some reason to hide that he's been having drinks with mates (a history of alcoholism?) then I would be very suspicious now, because why can't he tell you that?

GarlicGrace · 07/09/2023 16:10

How utterly weird! There may well be more to this, OP, but you may well decide not to spend any more energy finding out. As you say, systematically lying for months is enough.

I'm so sorry. You really are having a shit day. Also, you sound like a kickass woman! Hope you've got some good friends to lean on 💐

NotNewButNameChanged2023 · 07/09/2023 16:15

So despite being sober and having a car, he still decided to go and sleep on his friend’s couch rather than drive home and sleep in his bed (whilst knowing you needed your car in the morning) and also not bother to let you know?

That makes no sense whatsoever.

I don’t think you’re getting the whole truth here OP?

Unless he was drinking last night and couldn’t drive home?

And even if that’s the case, it’s still really shitty of him to do that when he knew you needed your car and to not even let you know. Surely he knew you’d be really worried?!

SallyWD · 07/09/2023 16:16

I don't usually jump to conclusions but I can only think of one reason why he'd lie and why he'd stay out all night. Another woman...

Original poster
Worried00 · 07/09/2023 16:16

Thanks guys.

i agree, all very strange. He was at different pubs with different people than what he told me.

If you want to go for drinks once a week just tell me why lie!?

Maybe there is another woman but do you know what, I am mentally drained, heartbroken and shocked to even bother finding out.

It's over, I will not be able to get past these lies. Stupid stupid lies.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 07/09/2023 16:18

So to me it sounds like OP disapproved of husband drinking, so husband told OP that he wasn't a drinker, when in fact he was. He then lied to her that he was out at darts just so he could get a sneaky drink in.

If OP has conclusive proof, that was all it was, I.e. testimony from friends and proof he was around their house, part of me actually feels sorry for husband. It almost sounds like a controlling relationship???

The "I just needed a night to escape/relax away from my abuser?"

The alternative is that mates are covering for him and he HAS been cheating, but this is an interesting twist...

diddl · 07/09/2023 16:20

So has he been drink driving all this time?

SomeCatFromJapan · 07/09/2023 16:20

If OP has conclusive proof, that was all it was, I.e. testimony from friends and proof he was around their house, part of me actually feels sorry for husband. It almost sounds like a controlling relationship???

But nowhere did the OP say that she disapproves of drinking so you just made that up.

DollyPartonsLeftTit · 07/09/2023 16:20

I'm so very sorry @Worried00 I don't have anything to add, except to send my love and hugs to you. xo 💐

TastingSinister · 07/09/2023 16:21

"I don’t think you’re getting the whole truth here OP?"

I don't think you are reading the whole thread here @NotNewButNameChanged2023